Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Where is everyone tonight? I've created a profile btw and added some photos. The pics are available to people on this thread only - if you can't see them it's not cos I think you're a weirdo and I've blocked you - it's just because there are so many people on here! Let me know if I haven't added you and I'll put you on so you can have a look if you want :)

Hi, I'll have a look in a mo, goo.

I've got a book: Getting past your break up - how to make a devestating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you by Susan J. Elliot.

It is American and the bits I've dipped into make a lot of sense

Where - I hope you are ok. Skimmed your other thread and I know you've had wobbly time today. Much love as always. You are going through it to get over it you know. This too shall pass...x

Lovely photos!

Why does it say 'she does not have children'?

Thanks - worst day yet. Must be patient.x

Evening ladies, thanks for your kind messages. I am really considering contacting him- its now the end of the 8 week period that I orignally gave him to consider what he wanted and think its time to face the music. Just need to work my way up to do it- whats the worst that can happen, he tells me its over and i get my things from the house and move on- its gotta be a hell of a lot better than being stuck in limbo??

Where - I don't know why it says that - I can't make it change!!!
Crazee - yes good idea - it will be better than the hell of limbo. My exbf kept me in limbo - he was only a bf and it only lasted for about 4 days but it was such hell that I eventually called time on it. Obviously your situation is much worse - I don't know how you've done it strong lady. Just end the waiting now - it's a new year, new start and however painful it is (and I know it is) this time next year you will be a different woman :)

Where - yes, I guess patience is a good thing but also as my latest book has taught me, be proactive if you can in your recovery. I'm finding this hard re getting going in th morning, actually getting out of the house with the boys but I'm doing little things for myself and for them and I'm getting there gradually. You are doing the same love and remember, it's such early days for you and has been such a shock. Your book sounds good btw. You should get mine - it's good too!

I think on my mumsnet section you need to add your children details and on the public profile bit change the settings to show ages and sex I think too.

Ah ha - just done that Tea. Happy days.

hello

I haven't been on here for a while. My internet was down for almost a week before Christmas and I have had my mum staying since 2 days before Christmas until this morning - She asks me so many questions about what I am doing (in general and when I am online ) that I actually prefer not to log on to things like this thread when she is here as she would get really involved and I would have no privacy! However I am still waking up for night feeds a plenty (hmm 6 months old DS - was not expecting so much nocturnal activity at this age!) and normally manage to read a few pages at 12, 3 am etc to see how everyone is getting on -and it really does help and give me strength in those lonely hours of the night.

I have had meltdown today after my mum left - actually on that note -does anyone's Mums come and stay much ? I don't have any family near so it's kind of working out that I am on my own with 2 DCs (DD IS 3.5 and DS is 6 months) for about 7-10 days - then I collapse - mum arrives for about 5 days then leaves and so it continues... She does all the mum type things like empties overflowing laundry basket, makes decent dinners and even has DS sleeping in her room sometimes and just brings him into my for night feeds - she's such a big help but I feel like I should start trying to cope better for longer by myself... She's not getting any younger -lives about 3 hours away and also I feel like my little family should be able to go it along a bit more (but I admit I really struggle)... also DD seems to misbehave a lot more when she is around - could be a 'Daddy's not here so you re instead' type things going on- not sure. Anyway Just interested to know how you all cope - Is it just me that feels like I can't cope ?!

I went to my bosses house today with huge house, 2 perfect kids, lots of soft focus family pictures going on and felt really inadequate - then got a call from my MIL saying how she had seen H over Christmas and she was aware of 'how hard this whole thing has been on both of us'... BOTH OF US ?? Hard on him running off to shag OW and leaving me to have his second DC on my own ? hmm yes terribly hard - Told her I had to go as was too upset to talk - think that relationship could be drawing to a close - at least between me and her anyway. I think someone said the other day that the MILs will one day have a similar relationship with the OW as they had with us - I suppose the loyalty is always going to lie with their sons and I can't expect any different but I couldn't resist mentioning that he is now co-incidentally with the same OW that he was with that he left me. (ok made me feel marginally better)

Anyway having lots of discipline and 'is she shutting me outt ?' issues with DD - might have to ask your advice on this sometime soon if that's ok as I feel like I am making a hash of everything at the mo by shouting too much when tired and exasperated, always being too busy and just not giving enough quality time - just the diluted bits.I got so angry tonight at teeth cleaning time that I came into her room to give myself ten seconds to calm down and decided that throwing her milk cup onto the bedroom floor might allow me to vent my anger and the thing flew open and covering EVERYTHING in the room in milk. I actually had to laugh at that point as it had been such a shit day - but she came in and I pretended I'd dropped it but I know that she knew. I just get to the point where I am SO angry I don't know what to do with it. My cousin said going out and digging the garden worked for her but in winter ?!What does everyone else do at times like this ? I just feel like a crap mum,

Anyway sorry have gone on far too long. Its so lovely to read how you are all doing every other day even if I am not posting. I would soon LOVE to be one of the strong ladies on here offering words of support and strength to the new faces but for the time being I'm afraid I am finding it tough at the mo.

Tea - thanks for your message
Kate - I clicked on the link to your blog - beautiful, lovely and really positive - It made me feel like setting one up there and then.
Sovereign and GooGoo - You both gave me some really good advice last time I was on here - then my Internet went down and then It was Christmas - but thanks so much.
Everyone old and new - goodnight and so sorry for the long post - needed to vent!!!x

Well, I've made a cuppa date with CD man. My new found scepticism as regards men meant that I didn't think he would email me the dates he was free like he said he would but...he has. Heigh ho. Field trip. And my new rules apply. I'm going to be myself and think of him as a new friend to make and nothing more. This is, afterall, 2011, no man heaven! :)

Hi clouded! My lord woman, go easy on yourself will you? You are doing a great job ith very little support and your ex left you when you were pregnant...enough said on the stress front!
I hope this helps...I also found myself getting very angry and shouting a lot and then going through hell once the boys had gone to bed feeling guilty. Things are a lot calmer now but being a single mum and doing everything yourself is completely exhausting and unrelenting and especially when you are still getting up in the night everything is slightly distorted and bedtimes can be a nightmare. I think one of the reasons, apart from complete exhaustion, is that when you are a single mum you have a very intense relationship with your children. You are with them all the time and when you can feel yourself getting exasperated there is noone there to say "OK kids, come with me, mummy is just going to have a moment to herself". My younger son didn't sleep through until he was 3.5 and I wsa getting no more than 4 hours sleep a night until then and holding down a really demanding job AND grieving for the divorce and it was shit. That's normal though. Times will get easier. I get respite every other weekend when exh has the kids but my mum NEVER comes to help. She likes me to visit but she's not interested in practically helping. So I know what you mean. Yes, it's really hard and if you're not very laid back (I'm not - I'm a nervous soul) then I think it makes it worse. I found that in the early days if anyone had my kids and I had a couple of hours to myself (so when your mum is there) the best thing to do was go to bed - even in the middle of the day, just to catch up on sleep. It always made me feel better. And I promise that when they get older they get a bit easier and you they can amuse themselves more without you constantly being there. If it makes you feel any better, my youngest is now 4.5 and still very demanding, obssessed with me and sleeps in my bed every night - I've got to break that habit but it's going to be a struggle! We ALL feel exhausted most of the time I think. So when your mum's there, take some time out. Leave her with the kids, go and have a coffee, get your hair done, go to the shops etc. Try and carve out even a miniscule amount of me time :)

Hi googoo
Reading that makes me feel calmer.... I like you am a 'nervous soul' and think WHAT SLEEP? RELAX ? I have the future to panic about, solicitors to contact, veg to puree, a library of self help books to read, to do lists coming out of my ears, a career change to plan and so much fcking stressing to do about how DD has been affected and how she may or may not be surpressing all of her emotions and internalising everything that she is going though and FCK we can't afford to live and Fck Fck F*ck so much ANGER and just the whole Overwhelmingness and responsibility of life in general now. I guess my situation must be similar to most dumplings on here but I just seem to be beating myself up a lot at the moment and not seeming to be able to cope very well - It all just seems so massive and bloody hell I feel better already just coming on here - I'll shut up thank so much .....phew

Just had a lovely night - I've posted it on FB, Twitter so I'm just going to leave the link while I get tucked up in bed with......

my laptop.

www.blipfoto.com/katesphotos

be right back to catch up

You don't need to shut up - that's what this thread is for! Best to get it out.
I only realised what a perfectionist I was when some kindly friends told me that they thought I was doing far too much...my house was like a show home, I was trying to prepare meals from scratch every night, my garden could have won a bloody competition, all washing was immediately folded (ok I still do that one)...So I gradually stopped doing as much. And my house is still clean, just not polished to perfection every day, the kids are still fed but sometimes I but a lasagne instead of making one and they eat turkey dinosaurs and pizza too. And I only realised how hard I can be on myself when listening to some conversations made me realise that I certainly wasn't the only mother to lose patience or feel crap etc etc and yet the other mothers who did that were all married and had loads of help! So now I'm proud that I get by on my own and yes, we ALL make mistakes and we all juggle thigns and lots of those things can't be kept in the air IYSWIM but we should be so proud that we are doing this mainly on our own. And when people compliment my kids I feel so good because I know that it's me bringing them up. This doesn't mean that I don't secretly want to kill all of the smug marrieds who get loads of help from everyone but hey - I quite like being a single mum acutally - it's a bit like being a warrior - atomic mum I call myself!
And try not to panic. What's the most irksome job you have to do? The solicitor's? Do that job first. And don't worry about pureed veg unless you really have to either :)
And I've found some self help books quite good. Just about to read Paul McKenna's book I Can Mend your Broken Heart. It has mental exercises to do about positive thinking and how to "minimise" your ex - I'll let you know what it's like.
And listen - you are doing a wonderful job. Keep repeating that to yourself. It took me at least two and a half years to believe that I was. But I know I am. Sometimes I sit in work and think - wow, I don't look that bad and I'm really cheerful. If most of the mums in here had my life they would be on their knees. And I feel proud inside and think "F**k you" - don't know who to, I just think it!

Oh Kate! Just read your blog and seen the photo! It's very moving. And my sentiments exactly. Why be wasting time in a relationship that is superficial? You are an amazing woman...thank you :)

oh and Googoo - hats off to you doing it with no support from your Mum etc - I think I keep falling into the trap of trying to keep things running the same as when ex was here for sake of DD but it's not sustainable is it ? I keep stressing about going back to v pressurized job when mat leave finishes and being woken up 3 times in the night, putting a suit on, getting them both to childminder's, looking/feeling as If i am together at work but that's just it - I think as you say - you just get used to operating on a new level of exhaustion and you keep on going because you have to. hmmm time for bed I think - too much thinking and I'll be tempted with another glass of wine if I don't go now.

Oh quite funny yesterday before I go. Took DD to panto yesterday and there were 4 cute kids up on stage at the end from the audience - the dame was asking the kids their names, Mums and Dad's names, if mummy and daddy love each other etc and then he asked the mum in the audience what the little girl's Dad's name was to which she replied 'I couldn't possibly tell you what I call her Dad in front of all these children'! It was quite funny as all the adults laughed but it went over the kids' heads completely. My DD had been asked up but had been too shy to go but was quite glad in the end as it was kind of a bit sad too. anyway night x

Oh Clouded I remember feeling like you and that anger. I actually regret not seeing the GP sooner as now I am on ADs I feel like a different person. There's so much to feel guilty about too isn't there? I used to beat myself up with the proverbial stick all the time once the kids were in bed on what I could have done better and where I'd gone wrong and the anger I used to have would fly up from no where if the children pushed me. I spent a lot of time praying and asking for help in those days

Counseling was very helpful too.

My children didn't sleep through reliably until 9 months and even then if teething or ill they woke still. So I feel your pain, especially as mine are 17 months apart and still young. They watched a lot of CBeebies still do

Talk on here as much as you need too lovely.

I think when I went to the lone parents section in the job centre and discovered I was eligible for income support and how they'd support me until I felt ready to go back to work that was a huge relief for me Clouded. So I'm doing some studying on the side at the moment and getting by on benefits. Not a situation I ever thought I'd be in but for once despite all the benefit bashing that goes on on mumsnet I am grateful to the system and I do not feel guilty as I worked and paid my taxes for 10 years beforehand and will go back to work as soon as my youngest is in Pre School and DD is in school.

Clouded - go easy on youself. I think my exh leaving made no difference to the amount of work I was doing, as he left the house at 5am and came back at about 9 every night and did absolutely nothing to help me, he just swore at me a lot (and I didn't swear back, not that kind of girl).
Hilarious about panto. I remember being in garden centre not long after exh left and little one was choosing a plant and a lady said to him "Ooh lovely, will your daddy like that one?" and before I could think I said "We'll never know because he's left us". Poor woman! The kids didn't hear but she was mortified! I was so angry about being on my own and so angry about the shit marriage I had endured. But it does get easier :)

Tea I work part time - as was OUR plan when we had dc...but now I get by by claiming Housing benefit and my tax credits (and my bloody visa card!)

FFS - he has said that he can afford £12 per girl per week...as he has to get a new car! I did point out that I spend more on bus fares and taxi's than that just to get us around!

I have the offer of a FT post at work - but the PT hours I do suit me and the girls - it means I can take the girls to school and get to watch assemblies and volunteer at school if I can.

I'll be dammed if I'm going to change my plans for being a mum because of the choice HE's made! Our long term plan was always to accept we would be skint while the girls were small - then I would go back FT and we would be fine financially...he is now using the 'no money to have a flash car and big telly' reason for why we split...yes, nothing to do with miss Perky tits he gave a job to...then gave her a little bit more!

So while he's round at the car showroom picking his new car with OW..and I'm having to claim HB, I just think about what he misses out on - and I can honestly say, I know where I would rather be.

Not dissing any mums who work FT at all, but my situation is that I earn the threshold of not being able to afford morning / after school club fees and come out with enough to live on. I'm hoping to be able to stop working alternate weekends soon...and work more in the week :)

Ha .I think I may have done similar to gardening centre incident.I was at work Christmas do a couple of weeks ago-black tie, everyone sits next to a stranger etc and the guy next to me kept refering to my husband ( not that surprising given I'm on mat leave I suppose) and after a few glasses of wine I took some strange sort of pleasure in reeling off ( a much simplified version)of the last 13 months to him.I was feeling quite proud of mysf when he said ' wow-I bet you can't wait to get back to work - your life sounds worse than an eastenders storyline' cheers!
Anyway just finished another feed.is there anything so lovely as feeling two v warm chubby baby legs inside a sleeping bag?!

Googoo - you speak a lot of sense thankyou
tea: have def considered ADs then get scared off by one or two friends who seem to know someone who know someone who had a bad time with them etc that said the disapproving ones are friends who don't have
much to worry about --apart from when the boden sale
starts-- would you recommend and do they work ok
with counselling?

Evening all

Hope everyones ok

Clouded, good to see you back, i get v. v. stressed out most days, 3 of my DC are boys and very boisterous too, i have been known to stand in the kitchen and scream, kick furniture and turn some music up really loud and sing along blocking it all out till i feel better, you just have to find what works for you, how about bouncing on the beds? lol
Dont worry about DD too much she will be fine it's just an adjustment for her and she is probably picking up on your stress too, let her jump on the beds :o
My mum lives 2 minutes walk away from me but she never helps practically unless it's for her benefit ie: gong shopping with me to push trolley cause she needs heavy stuff and can jump in cab back with me (i cant push trolley whilst pushing double buggy and she wont look after DC, infact no one will unless their asleep)
Your story about panto made me LOL literally that would be me if asked :o

Where did you say you live again? i'm in essex on border of london

Kate, go to CSA hun £24 per week for 2 dc is not what he should be paying you, bollox to his new car your children are more important and he needs to realise that

Tea, hope your ok hun, our DC are similar ages well my 3&4 lol my secret is bedtime all my DC have a night routine and are in bed by 7.30, thats what keeps me sane i get me time after that :o

Goo, let me know about the Paul McKenna book please, am doing well re X but have had a few dreams last couple of nights and would like to get him out of my system completely iykwim, i feel numb when it comes to him atm, no feelings what so ever and i'm not sure if i've just shut my feelings down or if their subsiding so would like to find ways to make sure it's gone

Waves to all and wishes a goodnights sleep x

Well i never .. have just woken this morning to a missing call from "my house" at 1.04 am. Hmm im sure daughter said she was sleeping out last night. This has got me in a stir. Was it him?, does does he want to talk? did he accidently press recall? Was it dd? At that time in the morning was it an emergency?

Dont know what to do???