Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Crazee I don't look at him on FB - but by God..I look at the OW most days. And it's only her bloody photo I can see!!

I still check his Flickr Page though...to see if he's posting photos of her! But every day I do it a bit less, so that's progress.

When they both begged me to not go into the office where they work to speak to them - I said I would send an email instead (really felt I had to address the whole "I've not loved you for years" bullshit that they use as an excuse and tell the OW some home truths about him )- they both work in IT..so gave me a very fake email address.

So smug of them.

Didn't matter - for the first time, I loved FB..and sent email to her via her page...and a couple of other people in the office as well.

I know that sounds a horrible thing to do- but he's treated me like crap and I'm not having him pretending to be the bloody family man in his office - when he's tupping it to the woman at the desk opposite!

She was so vile when she rang me - it was the best closure I could get. Not mentioned her or their relationship in a detrimental way since I heard from her.

He's made his bed, she sounds awful - but she's new and I can't compete (and now wouldn't want to!) and now they can lie in it together. TWUNT

Hey tea I am doing the photos - really helping. I post them on my Twitter and FB, and get loads of support from there as well.

www.blipfoto.com/katesphotos

One of the good things - is I can look at days when I've not posted (apart from xmas and boxing day when I was too busy / lazy)and see when my bleakest days were...and how they are getting further apart.

Hope you like them - I'm not on there very much...but maybe I will get someone to take my piccy at NYE :)

Thing is Starting now I know what he is capable of ie Mr charming to everyone he wants to con but a cruel cruel Liar in RL,he talks to 5yo re visits but when I phoned tonite to confirm what Ds had said I got "Fuck off u dick,"

Oh Kate the new pics are lush and I love your lines underneath.

Patience lovely I am speechless at your twat of a H

I have looked after my kids with very little help from him for over a year now ,I guess I just struggle with the total lack of respect.he didn't want to be with me fair enough but I would love a nite out iyswim and he is out all the time and still thinks he can swear at me .

Selfish doesn't even cover it Patience. He's a shocker.

Is there anyone who you trust or know at church who could babysit for you?

urban Do you know what one of my friends said to me about conversations like that? It sounds really crap but actually the psychology behind it is spot on...

When someone is abusive on the phone to you..be calm, imagine you are holding up a huge mirror to them and while you are serene reflect it all back at them.

I was told this when I told my friend that the OW rang me spouting bile...and TBH at the time I thought it was a bit of new age rubbish...but actually, i think it's about realising that other people's anger / rage /shortcomings are being reflected on you but have nothing to do with you at all.

I used that tonight - when dickwad was on the phone instead of being with his girls..when he was slamming doors and telling me to fuck off...I held up that big mirror to him and knew that he realised he was in the wrong, was angry at himself (maybe for being found out and pulled up for it??)

Hope this doesn't sound like I am making light of the situation...it's just how I dealt with the abuse tonight

Patience, as you know I had that with xh too & it's so bloody hard trying to work through that. I know you don't like the sad emotion but I am sad that you & dc's have to put up with that crap.

If I had someone to do hand overs that is what I would do,I do not want to see this guy .I guess I have to work towards that.

Thing is Kate if I had done what u did 2nite my x would have just throttled me.I understand UR thinking but this is just an abusive bloke and leopards don't change their spots.

Kate, I love love your mirror trick. I really find stuff like that works a treat. I remember posting in one of the earlier threads about something similar I read in a book it involved imagining the person hanging out the window of a mental institution shouting that vile & would you really shout back in those circumstances. Something like that anyway but it really helped me at the time when I was struggling to rise above xh's verbal attacks.

urban hope you don't think I'm making light of your situation - it's horrible. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and it sounds like that's what's happening with you. I was married before I met ex - he was violent, started off with just 'restraining' me during rows...ended up with him trying to strangle me...so I know what it's like to not say something back for your own self preservation.

We are all doing so well - let's keep it up. I used to joke to my sister about living in a female commune...using men for sex and procreation....but that's all...and us women would do the rest! *I'm thinking that's not a bad idea at the moment.

sending MASSIVE ones

And once these guys know they can't charm u anymore then ime they just hurt u emotionally til UR on UR knees.as starting says I had to become the perpetrator to leave the drama.now he will always treat me like a bitch.I have to work hard everyday to reaffirm who I am not who he tells me I am.Im just upset because I am handing my kids over to someone I no longer trust.

Kate I very rarely speak to him now,only regarding visits and that's not often. He could text me -he doesn't,he could ring me - he doesn't and when he starts swearing I just put the phone down.one of the first things starting and happy said to me about a year ago was stop looking for reasonable behaviour from somebody incapable of giving it. It's still true ,I'm still looking but the difference is its regarding visits now ,not anything to do with our marriage iyswim,but its the same behaviour that's why he discusses everything with a 5yo boy rather than me.

It's so hard - when we've had kids with these bastards.

I wish I could say something to make it better, but they are right, you can't reason with someone who is unreasonable. Who can say why someone acts like this - it's just awful that you have to deal with it.

I would love to be able to come and rescue you from this crap. We can support eachother, please know you are not alone.

Very wise words Kate & ((Hugs)) about all you've been through. I had physical violence with my xh too & most days realise how lucky I was to have escaped with my life & I'm not being dramatic when I post that. The police officers who witnessed him in action said in all their years dealing with dv cases they had never witnessed a dv perputrator as bad as my xh. That is not to say that I ever had black eyes or broken bones more that he was completely psychotic & thought himself above the law. Sends shivers down my back when I think about it.

Patience, also v wise words about reaffirming to yourself that you are not who he tells you you are. In fact I need to start doing that for myself now with court case pending & recent behaviour from all my in-laws.

Patience, I remember for a long time after I gave up looking for reasonable behaviour regarding our relationship I still held out hoping to get it for dc's but eventually the day came when I gave up that battle too. It's a slow process & of course every mother wants their dc's to have a good relationship with their father if at all possible & you do everything in your power to facilitate that but at the end of the day it's up to the father's to work their relationship with dc's. With my xh unfortunately his hatred for me is greater then his love for dc's & so it was easier for him to walk away. It was either love or hate with him, no in between & the minute he realised the game was over & I wasn't taking him back the love turned to hate & the hatred spurns him to try & destroy me at every available opportunity

That's it startin and what I find hard now is the kids getting their hopes up ,when I fear he is already so detatched he is never going to take on the responsibility of regular visits

Patience, I remember going through this with a counsellor & at the end of the day we can only protect dc's so much. I protected my dc's from as much hurt & rejection as possible but in the end they had to go through some pain to be able to accept that they are better off not seeing daddy if that makes any sense. My dc's used to pine after xh and the first time he cut contact it hit them v hard but 2nd time the bounced back v quickly & now life goes on as normal & he's rarely mentioned. Which reminds me dd3 said today in passing 'when daddy's happy again we'll see him' didn't knock a feather out of her & tbh I don't think any of them really miss him much anymore. Obviously I hope it never comes to this with yours but my point is that even in the worst of circumstances i.e. no contact at all, dc's can still be fine.

Lol was just thinking I'll be on here screaming blue murder if my xh looks for & is granted access in two wks!! My faith & serenity will be gone out the window lol............

My dd 4 said out of the blue on boxing day mummy locked daddy out of the house we used to stay in,that wasn't very nice was it mummy
I just said daddy was a bit mixed up and mummy just wanted everyone to be safe.
Then everyone finished their turkey sandwiches.
She was 3 yo at the time I had to lock him out.anyway all these posts re access are all normal maternal instincts to protect out kids. Who wants to hand their kids over to a man with a history of dv and addictions .will see the sol in the new year re divorce ,will see what she says.

For crying out loud, why do i have to go and dream about him. The only dream I have had since he told me to leave and it was about him. I so want to contact him,going to be hard not too I just want him to put his arms arund me and tell me things are going to be okay xx

Patience your xh sounds unhinged tbh, how can he go into such a fury within seconds over a reasonable question about seeing the dc ? Actually saying that after spending almost 5 years with someone in the past who did give me black eyes I know what they can be like.

As you say maybe speaking to a solicitor in the NY will get some good advice.

I do wonder though ultimately if its going to be better in the long term if he does not see your dc. A year on and he is very hit and miss and I think not seeing them over Christmas is the pits. Its not just that you are concerned at them being in his care but that every time he says hes going to have them and doesnt is another kick in the teeth for them and as they get older they will feel it more. Maybe like either ripping off a plaster or taking it off very slowly you are better to deal with the pain of making a decision that he wont see them and going from there.

Also theres the fact that trying to organise access means enduring his nonsense and on a day when you feel vulnerable that is going to affect you and you just dont need it . Why all this time later should you have to put up with it.

I know a night out or time off at the weekend is the least you deserve but is it worth this grief for those few nuggets of freedom because as you say I dont think he will knuckle done to a routine of regular contact.

I dont know what the answer is and its so depressing the way men like him get to make the choice "Oh shall I bother seeing my dc or not" whereas we are by default responsible for them come what may.

Being positive though you have two lovely dc and all the fun things you post about them in their tiaras and Ben 10 gear - they sound like fantastic kids. They will be older and less hard work before you know it and both be at school and your freedom will gradually increase and everythings gets easier.

Remember what LC said about her dc and how they will know what you have done for them and how close you all will be. You are without doubt a big enough parent to do the job of Mum and Dad and if their Dad continues as he has been sad to say they are better off without him around.

Well said getting.

Crazee I'm not surprised you're dreaming about him when he won't communicate with you apart from about bills and you've had no closure on why it's over. etc. Your brain is trying to process it all, whilst you sleep. Big ((hugs)) lovely, there's no point in contacting him though as he hasn't replied to your last meaningful e-mail saying you wanted to work things out. More ((hugs)) lovely

Patience (and everyone else with young dc's) - one day your dc's will be young adults and I promise you that they will recognise the huge efforts you have put in to parenting them. I divorced my xh when the youngest were 7 and 9. They are now 21 and 23 and are my best friends. They love their dad and while I know it's not a competition, I think my relationship with them is different (would like to say closer?) because they always lived with me. It's hard to imagine when they are so young but one day you will be repaid for your hard work. It is the best feeling in the world when your chilren are also your best friends. I took mine to Manhattan in September and it was the best holiday I ever had.

Crazee, don't phone him. Go and buy something indulgent like a cream cake, silly gossip mag or a pair of shoes if you can run to it. But you are only allowed to eat/read/wear your treat if you don't get in touch with him today. Do whatever it takes to not phone him and you will feel a real sense of achievement and control. That feeling of control is incredibly empowering.

Right, off to buy myself a cream cake .