Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

LC - you are sounding so strong, I want to know your secret! Have you got a date for returning to work?

wow romney thats an age gap,my h is 36 his ow 18 ,ithought that was a big gap,im with you i am still obsessing but hope time will make this fade

Er, can I just ask a quick question about home start please? Is it just for parents of little kids, or would they help out someone with older kids that's stuck in an area with no support?

sjm. I dont know enough. Best to give them a call and ask, I know theyve also got to have volunteers available in your area to be able to help you.

sorry mum,forgot to thank you earlier for the advice,have friends who have been helped by them,not something i need at the moment but thanks

It?s 2 days since I last decently responded on this thread Sorry ladies, so some of my comments are probably a little behind now as the thread has moved on so far now. But I really want to respond as from a quick glance it sounds like some hard stuff is happening on here right now

DD is slowly settling into nursery, I think she?s struggling to adjust still, as they?re not very touchy/ feely there and it?s very structured compared to Pre School. Hopefully give it a short while longer she?ll be happier there. Bought her a little bike today that was cheap cheap, was really nice to see her on it. She cycled it back from nursery with some help. I attached a set of reins for a wrist to the handle bar so I could help her steer and pedal along by pulling on it.

Seen a lot of ex H as we?ve both been there for her new days at nursery but things have been ok.

Fairy my lovely I?m so sorry to hear about the affair. Just remember what the horrid man said to you in the weeks leading up to him walking out. (I took it from your other thread) ?unfortunately yes i am sure this is the end, he says he has not loved me for years, i am fat and disgust him ,i have put on a lot of weight since we married 3 yrs ago.? I hope you can now look at those comments in the cold light of the affair disclosure and know how they simply aren?t true. It?s so much easier for them to walk away when they have someone to go to (especially a naive 18 year old) and they re-write history so much on what they think about the past. If he was a decent man he wouldn?t have cheated nor said all those hurtful things, nor even thought them quite frankly. He?s a shallow man and has left you with a 1 & 4 year old and elder 2 DCs and with your mum being unwell, when you needed his support the most. He?s despicable and I?m furious as he made you think there was no one else and he just didn?t love you I don?t think you could have done anything better to stop the affair, as I notice you suggest that in your post on Tuesday at 4.30pm ish. This is nothing to do with you. Listen to the girls on here who tried so hard, Googoo peeling tomatos etc. This is a flaw within him not you. Kate?s post sums it up so much better, she?s so right. I had trouble for a long time looking too deeply into what H had done when and what it would mean. That?s ok for now. You can peel the layers back like an onion when stronger with some good counseling. You?ve got 4 kids though and just do what you can for now to survive. Homestart are good 2 of my SILs have used them. I also didn?t truly hate my H either. In fact I was more angry with the OW, even though it takes 2 to have an affair. Trust me the novelty will soon wear off with an 18 year old and what first attracted him will irritate him ultimately I suspect. He?s a shallow, pathetic man and he will reap what he sows. He told you last as he was ashamed and was probably also afraid of the fall out too as you may have been angry. Completely ruins his image too in your eyes and DCs. No wonder he avoided it so long. My H didn?t admit the full truth to me for 5 months after separation. Would have helped if he?d been honest sooner but I?m not sure he even knew what he wanted in my case. He?s a wimp and coward, nothing to do with hating you Fairy. I hope the doctor can help tomorrow.

?in my own case my X told so many lies he completely lost sight of what was a lie and what was the truth? My Ex H was the same with so many crazy lies, some of them I think he thought were real after a while, even told the church pastor and his best friend the same story as me and they were shocked.

?My ADs are having a miraculous effect. I have never felt this emotionally stable for years. It's such a gift because I don't take it for granted? Me too Googoo Hope Romney these new ones work too.

I deleted all music from itunes that reminded me of ex H and lots of other little things to help me move on. Still haven?t decorated my bedroom but I really want to when I can find the funds.

?They think, that as long as we are caring for our dc, the kids are OK. They don't care if we are OK...because to them, we are 'just' mothers. Not sexual beings, not people who may need a rest from the kids once in a while. They think we just need the dc. and we'll be fine? Oh Kate how true is that, you speak such sense, that?s exactly what my H thought too. Although our sex life was terrible as he didn?t find me attractive when pregnant or breast feeding. Didn?t suit his image from all the porn he watched eh? Nor match the pert 21 yr old he shagged.

Sjm123 ? Look after yourself and keep going on counseling etc. He sounds toxic.

LC ? loving your wise words as well as Kates.

Wherewillihide ? so true my ex H is having problems as his relationship with OW is now floundering due to being based on lies, with mistrust, paranoia and all sorts now.

I have tried to proof read it but I'm going cross eyed and need a drink, so apologies for typos.

Tea my ex was a massive porn user - and users of porn are more likely to seek out OW a recent survey on infidelity said.

Our sex life was really good, but he was addicted. TBH, when I think about him and the OW, I am starting to think, God, she's welcome to him.

It was so much harder when he was being nice to me (before he admitted to the OW - and was hedging his bets)

but now, after I sent the email to work and have made him pay for his kids...any attraction I felt for him is gone. He came to drop the girls off tonight and there were a few brisk words but I didn't feel much towards him at all. Not hate, dislike, or yearning, or nostalgia....just a big heap of nothing.

I still have quite an anxious feeling in my chest - but I think that is more to do with me never having been on my own, always having a bloke - and not so much to do with him and the OW.

I only have it when I'm home, not in work or when I'm with friends - so I'm putting it down to that.

Was a bit pissed off that he's introducing her to the girls less than a month after it came out, but I guess to him and OW they are months down the line and it's the next logical step toward their validation of their relationship.

"and users of porn are more likely to seek out OW a recent survey on infidelity said." I believe that, definitely!

Can you play peaceful music when at home in the evenings to help with the feelings? Rescue remedy maybe as well?

thanks tea,your wise words give me great comfort as always.
katedid he warn you the first time he introduced dds to her?not sure how i feel about dc seeing her straight away and do i have a right to say?

I won't let my H introduce the OW until really serious but I think the fact he appears to have respected my request is unusual sadly.

How are you tonight now?

better thanks tea,you and your xh sound like your doing a great job of co parenting,cant be easy ,you come across as very mature and balanced,how long has he been with ow ?

I'm not mature, I'm only 32 My children's welfare is important to me and their emotional wellbeing, so co parenting well is top of my list, but it's also only possible if they step up to the plate and do not opt out or behave in any other counter productive way. So far (touch wood) Ex H takes spending time with the children seriously and being there for important occassions. So I'm lucky. Just lucky. May all change if OW moves here and in with him. They've been together for almost 2 years now but dating long distance as she's at university. I discovered something wasn't right and separated in Oct 2009.

When he was still denying the OW and unsuprisingly I was going though the 'mad woman, not knowing what's going on or why it's happened?" stage - he said to me "I worry about how you will react when I introduce the girls to someone"

lol, the 'someone' he was banging and had clearly already talked to about meeting my girls.

At that point, I said that would be a decision that me and him would make and he would have to be in a serious realtionship. And he made all the right noises in agreement.

BUT, as I said, when she rang she was vile to me and they were both very wounded when I let the office know about their affair....so I see this 'meeting' as another way to add to the drama of it all.

He has not asked me about them meeting her - it's all being passed on through my girls.

So, if I start arguing, ringing him, laying down the law - then she can start the drama of 'wanting to be part of the girls lives" and he will have an excuse to start to tell me it IS serious and she's his soulmate.

None of which I am going to indulge. They are doing this because after the email and me making him pay for his girls...it is literally the only way they can try to hurt me.

I don't see the happy family scenario happening very often, he can't be arsed with his kids at the best of times.

Hello everyone, I was having a really serene day (Reading End the struggle and dance with life by Susan Jeffers and trying to put it into practice)Then it was our son's play so x came along too. The play was great but then he came back here and I asked him what the bank had said. ( he was to find out about getting an interest only mortgage so we don't have to sell the house now, as I'm moving he could stay here) Anyway the news is grim we have an 88% mortgage too high for the bank to let us go interest free. I paid the deposit on the house and the move etc but we took out equity 3 years ago to get a decent kitchen and x bought himself a plot of land in his name only! So I was pissed off and he got really defensive as usual and I asked him did he not expect me to be miffed under the circumstances. he said he has been remorseful and empathetic for ages now! Anyway we had an argument which culminated in him telling me I was the one leaving whereupon I threw a cup of cold tea at him and he said 'oh yes more violence from you' and I told hm to get out. I phoned him and just got an unreasonable rant. I've thrown cold water on his head before and I know it is wrong but he can be so mean and nasty and unreasonable. I also lashed out at him in the v early days but he retaliated with a vengeance! I am not a violent person with anyone else but have been pushed v hard by him. I will see a solicitor on Thursday. I'm so mad. He has taken all my hopes for our family and destroyed our home twice. Financially I have lost so much more than him. Anyway I told him he can no longer come and see the boys here so he said I knew that was coming and hung up. What do I do now? My 8yr old loves seeing him here. Now it looks like my move to Ireland might not be so easy after all.

I'd see a mortgage broker and see what they can do, as different lenders have different rules, maybe a re-broke is better with a different lender. C&G with me let me go interest only when my mortgage was very high.

You can always back track on him seeing your DC at yours if it's purely heat of the moment tonight and you do not mind him being there. See where the land lies tomorrow. As you're both angry tonight. You only threw cold tea on him, and the whole situation is frustrating as you just want to move on with your life. I'd ignore most of his rhetoric tonight if you can, sounds like he fell into old patterns with you in the heat of the moment. But I'm no expert, but I'm sending you sympathy and ((hugs)) you must be feeling very mixed up now

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts since the last time I posted - crazily busy at work, and masses of domestic admin (I had no idea being dumped created so much work...) plus preparing for dd's birthday on Sunday.

I have filed for divorce. It was weird and horrible going to file the papers but I felt strangely light when I came out. As if I am finally the one in control.

Just reading what people have said about their exes' new relationships - am I alone in really really hoping he makes it work? Otherwise he is not only going to be a miserable and screwed up excuse for a father, but all of this will be for nothing. I told him the other day that this really had better be for life - I could swear a look of vague horror crossed his face. I don't actually want him to be miserable - he will be a much better dad if he's happy.

If only I could start to feel a bit more positive about the future maybe I would be well on my way to getting over this...

Oh Coffee I see what you mean about your thread being quiet I'll link it here for the girls to read.

Welcome x

And here is a MASSIVE ((HUG))

Maybee, just let the dust settle for a couple of days. Then, think again. I'm having difficult financial communications with xp too. It's the worst bit. But tonight it's dawned on me that whatever I've lost in money (and I've lost a lot) it really doesn't matter because I've got 3 wonderful dc's.

Kate, your ex takes the biscuit, he really does. Does he not realise what a prat he looks by being so blatantly STUPID?

Fairy, hope you are ok. When I wake up tonight, as I undoubtedly will, you will be in my thoughts. Nice that you have your bubba with you. I so miss that.

Romney, I don't know what's come over me tonight. I just feel ultra positive and mega powerful. Maybe tomorrow I'll be back to my sorry sad self but I dont like feeling like that and I just don't think I can do it much longer. He's broken my heart but not my spirit.

Coffee can someone be with you when you meet him?

Have you spoken to womens aid for their advice on how to handle this?

Thanks Tea Are mortgage brokers expensive? Where is the best place to look for one? Welcome Coffee you are a brave woman and seem to have done the right thing.
Longdarktunnel It has actually crossed my mind that my x might have thrown us all away for nothing too. He says the relationship is over but he lies compulsively so I don't know. In any case in some ways I would rather he had somebody than nobody when I move back to Ireland with the boys. I also think it is more of a waste when so much pain has been created for nothing. Saying that I'm furious that he has messed our lives up and created such a mess. I hope you start to feel positive again soon. I'm sending you warm wishes you sound caring and downtrodden by someone who didn't deserve you.

Hello coffee glad you are here and I hope it helps. These lovely ladies got me through some bad times.

maybe don't be so hard on yourself, its stress and a lot of frustration. We are having to sell our family home and I hate talking about stuff like that with ex...because I can't quite believe that it's come to this! And it's not of my making and it's my dreams and hopes for the future he's wiped out - for the lure of new sex.

sending big hugs to both of you. It's crap, but we are all here together.