Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

its very quiet on here hope everyone is ok?i am feeling worse not better,when he had just left i was gutted but thought,well he might come back but now i know the truth about this ow i can barely function,cant talk to anyone with out bursting into ters,worse still i hear this girl is a bit of a bike so i am going to have to drag myself down the clinic just as i thought this could not get any more humiliating

Hi Fairy
Try not to second guess what he's doing or what his next move is. He's got his own issues and is not facing up to them. On the other hand, you are absorbing the truth and reality and that is why it so incredibly painful for you. I am very tearful too at the moment but I've had periods of feeling quite strong. Your feelings will ebb and flow. You HAVE to go through it even if it's little by litle. It can't be rushed. Give yourself permission to feel crap and cry. It's ok.
I also had to to go to the GUM clinic and it was fine. Not humiliating at all.
Opening your eyes every morning is progress. Taking the dc's to school is a big achievment. Keep going, day by day.

LC and Fairy - I feel the same tearful and sadness, I am starting to know that as you say LC little by little we will get there, two steps forward and three steps back but in time we will do it, but it is a long hard hurtful process.

Just remember karma!!

the thing that guts me the most is why did he not tell me,a week after he left he was up introducing her to the family ,yet still couldnt admit it ,i asked him loads of times he denied it and let me find out 3rd hand thats what hurts the most.I wish i had took all your advice earlier and gone to the dr then i might of been slightly cushioned from the complete awfulness of this.

Ah Romney, you know I always look aout for you because we have a lot of similarites. But I am going to disagree with you here: it's got to 3 steps forward and 2 steps back because we ARE going forwards not backwards.

Sadly, our stories are less similar now as my xp is being a hostile pig and trying to paint me as the baddie which is a new turn of events.

You still there Fairy?

Fairy it is so horrible Im sorry. I really know what it is like. I went through it for ages and just existed day by day. I did start to try to do little things for meand di let people be kid to me and support me. DDo tell people you are finding it hard and get as much support as you can - even by phone. I heard people say it would get better and I thought it couldnt posssibly - but it did.

And dont feel embarrassed about the bike. Loads of them go for lower class women.It because they feel so shitty about themselves and what theyve done - they choose a woman to match how they feel. Im not joking. For example on my other site there is a girl who is a real highflyer with amazing qualifications and very attractive. Her H who earned a lot less than her went off with a local bar girl who lets say has a reputation. Madness - the bar girl thinks he has loads of money as he is flash but its his wifes money and when they divorce (with no children - not in the UK) he wont have the cash.

Keep posting here lovelies as Tea would say it. It will get beetter, You will still have bad days - but as the months go by they will get less and less. And go to the GP as you need. Mine were amazingly supportive - hope yours will be too.

mum-really hope he can give me something,i am only just holding it together,starting to see odd things in my behaviour and its scaring me.

Hugs to u fairy this is the worst pain,he is only humiliating himself,u have done nothing wrong.
Lc the stronger UR the bigger their tantrum they are used to getting their own way .then mine just detatched altogether .
Mine didn't ever give me closure re 21yo I know there is a history of friendship extortionate phone bills etc but he doesn't ever give me peace to grieve.prob will find out after divorce maybe not.just tears me up that he leaves me tormented .I just have to let it go .

Patience, I don't feel particularly strong but I am starting to properly detach now. Starting to actually think about things that are for just me and ds. Like, can we still go on holiday? I mean going on holiday is neither here nor there but actully accepting that it is just me and him on holidays now is a big step for me. Really, truly accepting it and not being absolutely terrified.

I was driving the car this morning and I thought, who would I call if I had a crash? I'd call my insurance company, of course . Why would I need to call anyone else unless I was injured? And then it would be DD, not XP.

Fairy, my behaviour went a bit weird. I became hypersensitive to everything and felt like I was having an out of body experience quite frequently. I found it hard to work out what was real and became very absentminded. Take all the help you can get.

Hello, Mumfun .

yes lc thats the kind of behaviour,probably not helped by lack of sleep and food.Got a friend round this afternoon then kids back fom school another day over and the dr tomorrow,hope it does not take to long for them to kick in as i am scared i am going a bit mad.

Lc I thought that when I moved into town and the bad snow meant I couldnt get my car out.i thought what do I do .most of the time once I have a cup of tea I have found a solution .hope u do manage a holiday ,I would love one .

Fairy there is a scheme to get help for yourself though depends what are you are if it works well.

Called Home Start - www.home-start.org.uk/homepage

But if you have family close it might not be relevant.

Your body is in shock - and you are processing a lot of horrible things - it is normal to feel weird/out of body.Please dont think you are going loopy - your holding it together at a very tough time. And you might not be eating much - please eat - soup and drinks with something in if you cant do much food.

Should have said I havent used Homestart so just saying about it as Ive seen some folk on sites saying its helped them.

LC - you are right 3 steps forward and only 2 back!!

Its strange, I said to a friend yesterday I dont think I will ever stop loving DH, but I suppose in time the love will diminish as I accept all the horrible things he has done to me. But I know now with all the support from the ladies on here that have moved forwards, that I will one day get to a better place, the thoughts of not wanting to go on have subsided and in time all my obsessing about DH and OW will subside too.

Romney, did you ever put your questions to your H? Sorry if I missed it but I was just wondering if you had managed to get any more answers.

I have no desire to ask xp why he had an affair. I should imagine I have a better insight into that than he has. What I really would like to know is why he introduced ow to me and my 3 dc's and encouraged our family and hers to socialise, even go on holiday together. Yuk. Perverse.

Patience, I'm trying to brace myself for the attack.

Fairy, each day is one step away from the crap. We are all here for you.

i dont know lc it seems each day is finding out more crap and making the pain worse.
i just really dont get even when it was common knowledge at his work and loads of others knew ,why not tell me?i think like patience i think it was said,i may never know the answer and need to accept that.
romneyi hope that is not true,sorry, but i dont want to keep loving my H for ever just in a diluted way,he does not deserve my love,even though i still love him now even with all he has done i know this is because the reality of this vile situation has not sunk in.

LC - No I didnt ever ask him as I havent really had any contact with him since before the New Year. My friend who is a counsellor said that he hasnt told me the answers I seek as he probably doesnt know the answers himself, so therefore he would make the answers up (eg rewrite history) just to give me what I want. I think it was patience that said I might never get the truth and maybe one day I will accept that.

Fairy - I agree they do not deserve our love and I hope one day they realise what they have done to us, but I dont know if they have a conscience!

I just think if they don't have to tell everything ie they don't want back with us then they have no reason to fess up to anything.in my own case my X told so many lies he completely lost sight of what was a lie and what was the truth . He has moved on and declares non of it is my business.more and more now I don't think of him but working on letting go,moving forwards myself and improving my self esteem is the only road I know to keep sane.

Fairy, the pain is getting worse because you are absorbing the full truth. That in itself is progress. It may not feel like it. But it is necessary. The truth will help you to process this. Are you sleeping ok?

patience i know why he didnt tell me when it was happening but i mean after he had left,why not admit it was cause he had someone else,i think i have to face up to the fact what your saying is true,he had no reason to tell me,he didnt give a shit or want to make things easier for me,that hurts like hell but its the only answer.
lc i cant remember the last time i had more then 2 hours uninterupted sleep,decided to co-sleep,breast feed on demand dc4,huge mistake so am used to lack of sleep.

Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind me butting in.

I like to think that just because these 'men' have dumped us and found ow and seem to be living it up/feel they are in love like never before and all the other crap they enjoy hurting us with, it doesn't mean these relationships will last, does it? I don't imagine these relationships will last as long as our relationships with them. Also we must remember these stupid ow forget that these men could dump them like they did us. Maybe I'm deluded or stating the obvious. I can't get my head around why they seem to enjoy hurting us further when they have left. As for regret? Only when they realise the grass isn't always greener on the other side - it is full of manure. Maybe when DC are old enough to understand what their fathers have done they may be forced to think about it.

Excuse my ramblings...

Hi Where for me - that was a massive concern and caused me lots of anxiety at first.

..but now I don't think like that, their affair is not their little secret any more and he's skint and stressed and they have to work togther all day and proably spend the night togther. They may be happy in this honeymoon stage and although I used to really hope it didn't last and she dumped him....now, I'm at the stage where I can manage not to be that bothered one way or an other.

I make sure that I look fantastic when he comes to collect the girls, make sure he knows I have plans and leave him in no doubt that I have moved on.

Stil hurts of course - but talking to people about what he's done to me, chatting on here has really hammered it home...how he's followed the script perfectly, how he treated me and his girls and how he expected me to lay down and let him and the OW walk all over me

I hate putting stuff on here that someone else has written when I don't know who wrote it...but in my early dark days when I would lurk through my tears...I used to copy stuff and read it back when I felt low...

This was in my file called 'wise words and lol' apologies to who ever wrote that I didn't credit you!

"Let them have a good dose of each other , without all this excitement and drama . Often its the excitement and drama thats exciting , not the other person.

She wont be so glam when shes taking a big smelly dump , or when shes got morning breath or bad farts.

And he wont be so glam when hes skint , stressed about finances or has a couple of kids hanging off him.

I think the only thing to do now is retain some dignity and let him go."

This - is my mantra! Chin up ladies, bedtime stories beckon...back later x

Where - I like your post and would love to think that DH and OW's relationship will not last (in fact I pray that it doesnt last and that he has regrets) but I sometimes think that maybe I am deluded. When I recently said about his relationship working out, a friend pointed out that in reality it isnt working now, as they didnt even spend christmas, his birthday or the new year together. In fact no one thinks that it can last with a 27 year age gap, that started as an affair, her on rebound etc etc, but I am told from other mumsnetters to stop obsessing and that I need to think about me now and getting over this. (obviously still obsessing)

In time I am sure I will stop but at the moment I am still obsessing.

Hi Where, I do try to follow your thread and realise you have been through some serious shit. Statistically, I think it is extremely unlikely that any of these illicit relationships will flourish. Only time will tell whether our exes will fall into this category. The odds are stacked against them because their new relationships are borne out of deceit. But that's their problem, not ours. We've got bigger fish to fry. Like staying sane and looking after dc's. As long as ds and I are ok I don't really give a flying fuck about the ow . And I never thought I'd hear myself say that. Seriously.

Fairy, I think a lot of the deceit is to do with shame. It's not so much about admitting it to you, it's more about the fact that you, of all people, will make him see himself for what he really is. He can't face that. You are the only one who has the power to do that. There, you didn't realise you still had some power, did you?

Romney, you can't just switch off from obsessing. It's like telling someone to 'pull themselves together'. It will happen when it happens. But you can't spend the rest of your life feeling like this, can you. So, deep down, you KNOW that you won't always feel like this. Don't you?