Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Hi everyone, hope you are all having an ok evening.

Someone asked me to link to my thread - it's http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1031123-I-am-in-pieces here if anyone can bear to plough through all that misery...

Romney, I am really interested in the "list of questions" - I have come firmly to the conclusion that I really need some answers if I'm going to get on with my life. So will be very interested to see what you come up with. I don't think my soon-to-be-ex husband really understands my need for answers, and he clearly finds the whole idea of having a discussion about it very tedious, but the way he left was so sudden (really, he went from having spent a perfectly nice day with me and the dcs to walking out the door and never coming back) and I've really got no idea what happened or where it went wrong. Was thinking about trying to get some answers out of him tomorrow night.

Tea - how did you initiate the conversation, and how did you get an answer out of him?

I thought today was a better day - back at work, new year and all that. But then I spoke to my MIL and feel miserable all over again. She's been wonderful, and very supportive, but I can't quite get over the fact that she hasn't cut off all contact with him. I know she wouldn't, and I wouldn't if ds did this in the future, so I don't blame her, but it's still hard. She rang to tell me he had asked if he and OW could come for lunch next weekend - she's obviously very uncomfortable about it all, and would much rather it wasn't happening, but doesn't feel she can say no. I respect that, and am grateful she told me, but I still feel very hurt and sad.

And I'm tying myself up in knots about money - I think in theory the settlement we've reached should mean the dcs and I are fine, but every time I turn on the news I hear how prices are going up, and I am now slightly irrationally worried about money. We've always had plenty in the past, and now I've got to learn to budget and keep track and it's freaking me out. Just a case of getting used to a different way of thinking, I suppose, but it's still a worry.

OK - that link clearly didn't work. Should remember to preview first. How about this?

Romney! Hello there . I thought I wanted those answers from xp and considered writing a simple tick list. But then I thought that's tantamount to wiping his arse for him. Why should I do all the hard work? Like Tea's xh, mine will take a long time to process all this. I've given up expecting anything from him. My xp is way too defensive to consider anything rationally atm but if yours is amenable to the idea then go for it. I think I would wait to see what he says first though or he might see the questions as leading.

Crazee, your h really likes to string things out, doesn't he? You have the patience of a saint.

Tea, happy birthday to your ds. You are a fab mummy .

Fairy, how did your day go? Longdarktunnel, hope you are ok too.

Hello and hugs to Patience, Pink, Mumfun, Getting, GGM, Sov, Starting, Happy and everyone else. Whatever happened to Armbow/WQ?

LDT - I dont think they feel there is any need to explain why, its just move on, but after some initial counselling that is one thing that did come up that I didnt have any answers and this could be why I am struggling, I dont know if knowing will make it any easier and maybe he really cant answer the whys yet.

Tea - how did you find out that DH and OW are having troubles?

I am still taking one day at a time and can only hope that in many more days and months that I will get there. When I fed my horse tonight I thought thats one more day down and hopefully one day closer to recovery of my broken heart. I think I totally agree with my head and heart are not in sync.

Im a member of another forum and had to tell you a snippet from one of the members there :)

Her husband had an affair and left her during 2010 for OW. She had always had a good relationship with her MIL.

Well her MIL refused to spend Christmas Day with her son and insisted on spending it with her DIL (DIL happy)

And her MIL refuses to meet the OW at all and calls her 'the transient'

I love her MIL!

LC I was thinking about Armbow WQ today. DH is amenable but he knows how desperate I am to find answers and I think that he will start to make up the answers. When I saw him last week and asked a question he still said I dont know why I did it I knew it was wrong but still did it, a bit like stealing you know its wrong but some people still do it, so I actually think my friend might be right in the fact he actually doesnt know why, and you could be right in the fact he will need time to process his decisions.

I know I shouldnt be thinking about him and OW but I still cannot believe that she has spent the last 16 days at her parents without DH, so their first christmas, his birthday and the new year were spent separately??? I would have moved heaven and earth to spend it with my new love of my life!

Mumfun, I think that's probably what I wanted...though I know that's not realistic. But it really really hurts to think of her there, in their house. It feels like that's another thing horse-face has stolen from me.

Hi Romney - I don't know what you should do re questioning exh, as there wasn't an OW that broke up my marriage (although he was with new gf 3 or 4 months after he left). I woudl take advice from the other dumplings but I think Tea is right - he will invent his own history and this might make it worse for you. Judging by his so far rather ambiguous musings by text I would say don't let him ramble on anymore - let the distance grow between you in order to let yourself grow stronger. But as I say - listen to the others :)
Crazee - well done! You were brave today and you'll be ok tomorrow with students. When my marriage was breaking up I did cry in front of the 13 year olds once - we were practising songs for the Christmas show and one of them was about being alone and lonely and I started to cry. Bless them they asked if I was ok and I just said oh it's such a sad song. And it was quite funny cos they just rolled their eyes a bit and said oh miss, you're so soft!
Longdark- it's so hard isn't it? I was really pleased when my exbf said he wasn't popular in his village because of finishing with me but then life goes on and all the people who were his friends are still telling him on fb how wonderful his photos are and inviting him to parties. What can you do? And you are right - your MIL is probably deeply ashamed of her son's actions but he's her son. You will never know how this has affected their relationship but it will have. Part of detaching is eventually thinking "I'm not going to think about this and torture myself with it anymore". You are doing well. These things come up and it makes it all real and difficult again but this too shall pass. And when I first split with exh I was terrified about money but then found that (contrary to what he said) I was actually very good at saving bits here and there and budgeting - and by God but the food bill went down once I wasn't making bistro meals every night! Have you contacted tax credit people? If not, do it as soon as you can. You can do this. If I can anyone can!
Well my exh has been completely awful to oldest ds tonight, called him a girl, a cry baby, told him he's going to "yark" (hit) him. It was awful. And all because he cried when he came back from football training (at bloody 7.15pm) because his boots had given him blisters. He's 7. Then phoned once he's left, told me I could get ds to speak to him NOW or I could "fuck off", ds to his credit didn't want to speak to him, so exh said he would "yark" him outside the childminder's house tomorrow night when he picks them up for their tea. Then he texted to say "This is why they run rings round you. You're their mam not their mate". Fab. So glad I'm divorced!

And Rmney - you always sound so gentle and lovely. I would love to give you a big hug and tell you it's going to be ok :)

Googoo - your exD sounds lovely (not), he wont yark your DS tomorrow really will he. Poor
thing!

Thanks for your advice, I know your right in your great advice but its soooo hard to let the distance grow in order to make me stronger.

I know I am torturing myself and I know that the only way I will move forward is to get stronger and detach. But I must be lacking in some braincells as I cant do it at the moment but I know that is my only hope to heal.

You're not lacking in any brain cells love. You have been hurt and you are trying to heal and part of that process is to try to make sense of everything. And it is so hard. Your heart will eventually catch up with your head I promise.
If exh yarks ds tomorrow the childminder will knock him out :)

On a different note, I've got a friend who got divorced in May, after finding that her h was addicted to internet pron and had had an affair with someone at church (a 17 year old). Anyway, she met someone in June or July and is now engaged. They are besotted with each other. She's beautiful, he's quite gorgeous and I feel very inferior, which I know is completely stupid, but she's jsut fallen straight into paradise after her divorce...where did I go wrong?

GGM, please don't let him hit your ds. He doesn't mean it, does he? He sounds vile. Neither my xh or xp ever swore at me, thank goodness. It is so disrespectful.

LDT, your MIL sounds nice. She is in an awful position. My inlaws have been lovely and said I can stay with them at any time, they will do anything to help us both. I would really feel like disowning my sons if they ever do something like this. But of course I wouldn't.

Rom mine only told lies and asked why i kept bringing up the past.he has lost track of what is the truth now.sorry that doesn't help at all

Hello long thanks for the link I do remember your thread . I understand about MIL I posted yesterday about this , mine told me they wouldnt judge so I never actually heard a word spoken against xh after 17 years together.

I echo your feelings about money I am finally getting a perspective on this but yes my lifestyle has been downgraded hugely which I am fine with but the jump between then and now does feel scary still.

Romney I dont know really I used my time when xh was here before he left to talk about the past and how I felt about things that had happened between us. Strangely I asked very little about ow she was as beneath my interest and attention then much as she is now .

googoo you are right its not that I want to be on the beach its impossible to explain really. Anyway rose tinted specs are off and I feel much better.

I posted on the new thread earlier for those moments when you think "oh I am moving on a bit at last". Hilarious really as it was the most gloomy self pitying post I have done in a long time .Anyway if anyone is looking for AWOL senior dumplings they may be found on a thread for those times when you can see light at the end of the tunnel it may not see much action

Well I am trying to buck up and be positive it is sort of working and hopefully routines starting again today will propel me along. As I said to someone a couple of days ago I spent far more days sad and lonely when I was married than I ever do now

LC - if he hits my ds he will never be seeing them unsupervised again. And he knows it. He is a bully of the highest order but the thing is, after 3 years divorced he just looks like a pathetically overgrown toddler to me now. I told ds that daddy could be very nasty sometimes and that daddy hadn't been nice to him and how much I loved him and what a lovely boy he is and we had a big cuddle. And it made me realise that if we'd been together these past 3 years my sons would by now be disturbed. And my exbf made exh look good in some ways. Imagine that? I've really picked em! Not anymore though. I'm my own boss and barometer now :)

Hello fabulous beautiful ladies

The only way I got ex to tell me about OW was to say...I'll go and ask her if you don't tell me now...so despite me asking way back in June and mentioning her by name - he carried on denying it till Dec. dickwipe

Re: money for recent dumplings

I left ( to give HIM space - my story is on here and on old thread)

I work PT - come out with approx £500 a month from work ( I have a fantastic job...never been bothered about the money)

When I rang the Tax credit people the first time in Sept...I started crying on the phone when the adviser asked "When did you start to live separately?" I started sobbing and said the date when we got back from our holiday...and the adviser just said "oh, love - lets just backdate it till them eh?" It was like a guardian angel helping me...3 days later - I got £900 back dated tax credits in my account. A sign! Done - deposit for rented house and month in advance paid for.

I get as much as my wage in tax credits ( working and children) and I get some of my £450 a month rent paid as well. I have had to put Xmas on my credit card...but I'll try to pay as much off as possible in the next few months. Tax credits, Housing benefit, child benefit - and you can make do. It's hard - but there is no reason to stay with a bloke for the money.

I realise I'm being very open...but when he told me on holiday...I was wandering around a bloody cliff top sobbing at 4am in the morning - thinking "I'm so vunerable, I can't manage on my own - how can I survive without him?" and begging the bastard to think about me...I was wrong and I was weak.

... turns out I can survive. I can and will.

That's why I'm getting a divorce ggm ,to keep my kids safe from some bullying narc bastard.my X never had that privilege.That's what I meant b4 LC ,I would see glimpses of the boy my X was but he has been exposed to such dysfunction in his life and copied so many of the patterns his only survival is denial .I will never understand the grip of his addiction that meant he didn't fight to save his marriage or nowadays to control his behaviour and see his kids.

Hi all, just a quickie,

too much for me to read but Romney.....I didn't ask him any questions re ow. I didn't want the answers. Each answer would have been another kick in the teeth and I didn't want to give him the pleasure of hurting me even more.

Men are programmed to be attracted to younger, more fertile women, it's a fact. Most of them would have flings if they knew they wouldn't be found out.

your h did it because he wanted to. That's all you need to know.

Stop torturing yourself. I think that the more you ask him, the bigger his ego will become.

BTW, you're doing well Romney

update anyone?

for those who read my thread heres what happened tonight (for those who didnt it wont make much sence but youll probly get the gist!)

ex phoned tonight and told me hes getting back with his skanky ex (the one that caused all the trouble) so ive told him im moving back to my parents (130 miles away) and although im moving im not going to stop him being a dad, if he wants to be part of her life he has to make the effort.

glad he wa honest with me and glad i had the balls to stand up to him but gutted its come to this. hate the thought that i have to leave my life and my friends because of him and that my baby wont have her daddy around but at the end of the day ive been driven to it and its the best thing in the long run.

hate that its come to this but ive done the right thing havent i? i told him ill stick around til shes born so he can spend his paternity leave with her as long as he puts off getting back with her til ive left (im not naive enough to think this will happen but at least ive given him the final chance right?)

opinions? x

U have to put urself first and trust ur instincts u need practical and emotional support at this time so family sounds good x

Hello lovelies, busy day ahead here with my little boy. But I'll catch up tonight

Darnsarf, I haven't read your thread but I would strongly advise you to be where the support is when you give birth. It doesn't sound like your ex is going to be the one to do that for you. Who is going to be with you when you deliver? If you are close to your parents then go back to them sooner rather than later. Don't waste your time giving your ex ultimatums. Patience is so right, this is about you and your baby. Your ex can just fit in with what you want. Don't give him a second thought.

hope everyone ,
tea-hope your little boy has a lovely day.
feel so low,priority for today is sorting things out with work.
H and i exchanged several texts yesterday trying to agree on a plan for contact/money,he is not happy with the contact i have offered,says he wants half the house which is a bloody joke as most of the money in it is mine and he has left me financially screwed.
am coming round to the idea of going to Gp,will make an appointment for next week,thank you all for your kind words of support.
Had only told a few friends/family about what had happened,so last night i updated facebook,tacky i know but it got the message out there without me having to speak yo everyone.

Hi Fairy its awful having the practicalities of contact money to deal with , are you going to try and agree it between yourselves then ? Thats what we did and it was quicker and cheaper but did involve some painful contact/conversations. We did involve solicitors though , unless its very very simple I think you need to. Dont worry about what he says until you are ready to seek legal advice he can text into the wind in the meantime it doesnt mean a thing. Keep going and get as much support as you can.