Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Yes i think i will have to see a solictior,we have no money/assests just the house which is in my name but obviously he has a right to ask for some money,but as most of the money was a deposit put down by my family and the discount the council gave me as it was my old council house i think he should only have half of the mortgage payments that have been made in the last 3 years,obviously he wants more,it sickens me as he can get on and work all the hours but i am having to give up my job.
As for acceess i cant see how we are going to agree,he had become very agresive towards me and ds2 before he left,and i am worried about him having the children on his own as now he is on his own he is probably smoking dope everday,i said he needs to prove to me he has gave that up before he can see them unsupervised.His hours are different each week with only 1 day off that is the same each week but this is the day he has his other son from previous relationship and as he does not drive ,lives 5 miles away its not going to be practical for him to collect from school and drop back before bed as well as fitting in his other son and i think him and 3 dc in a bedsit overnight is just not practial.I had suggested once he is off the dope he has them on saturdays,10-2 but as he will probably be working thats not going to work.Not sure what my rights are in terms of how much time he should have/what say i have eg supervised and not sleeping over.Am worried about the cost of solicitor as from what i can read i will get legal aid but then as i will have at least some of the house,they will then make a charge against it and i will have to settle that when i sell?

Fairy, if your H honestly believes he is entitled to 50% equity in your house he is living in dreamland. Don't agree to anything without seeing a solicitor. The cost will be more than offset by the saving you will make by taking professional advice.

The fact that you are thinking of the practical details regarding the house and access is amazing given how recent this bombshell has hit you. I'm 6 months down the line and still haven't managed to get a formal arrangement from xp. At the moment he is giving me one third of his take home pay for ds plus paying the mortgage but it would be a relief to have it all sorted properly as it's just another psychological block to detaching. Good on you girl. You're a pretty tough fairy, you know .

Hi all, realised I feel like a large black cloud is sitting over my head, just want to feel better.

New rumour from work is that he is off on holiday to Rio with OW! He doesn't even like hot weather! These rumours make me feel so bad, I know I can't change anything but my heart just dropped when I heard the latest rumour. Ps unless he has got a new passport he isn't going anywhere as I have his passport, and I have accidentally mislaid it!

Hope ur ok Rom ,feeling bluesy these last few days and trying to work out why I am still bothered about Xs behaviour and actually someone said to me ,ur only human,eventually ur feelings will fade but he was ur partner for 16yrs

romney-hehe,mislaid passport,nice one.
lc-thanks for the words of encouragement-am not doing that great,just dealing with the things i have to because i have no choice,inside i am breaking,wishing each day to end so i can get kids to bed and take the fake smile off my face.Cry myself to sleep every night and feel totally worthless but no way can i let the kids see i am so broken,they need me to be strong.I feel so lonely its untrue my mum will probably die this year (advanced cancer) i was relying on him to help me through it,grrrr i hate him today.
He has payed the mortgage and some bills this month but as from next month he wont ,have asked for a third of his income from then on but he is not agreeing at moment,will see.

Hi everyone - just back from work. Patience - your friend is right - you're only human you can't be strong without a few downs and you can't just magic away 16 years. Sometimes you will need to grieve. You have a big heart and you've been hurt. Love to you and all the dumplings.
Fairy - you are doing well you know. Lots for you to deal with - I'm so sorry about your mum. Don't bother wrangling with your ex over money. See a sol, or CAB and get in tough with CSA asap. Wrangling with someone who has broken your heart is not good because they have the upper hand and you need someone objective to deal with it for you. Good luck. You will do it girl and he will have to pay his dues.

I just find it so confusing because I felt stronger than this ,but basically although I am well on my way to divorce and I know all the answers why I need to stay away buy I keep having flashbacks of him stood at the sink shaving just out the shower with a towel on.I know this is the same as what would have happened if he had died ,I know this too shall pass but right now I just weep and I'm shocked tbh because I've not felt like this for so long.I guess the way I dealt with this for a year was to fight it.I don't know any other way .When he started to let down the kids I just got angry then sad .I really think this is a neccessary step for me though. It's just me saying goodbye to my husband ,its like attending a funeral for my marriage and my husband .Acceptance is seeing him as my X husband.I think I'm at least 3 quarters of the way there.
I agree Pink in answer to why he did it ,its simply because he wanted to.He left to have fun and our feelings didn't come into it.
I have to accept this and move on.
He continues to act as if he is completely entitled to splitting us up ,living the single life ,spending the maintenance money in the pub and not seeing dcs for a month .
Just sad to watch the kids getting let down.I wonder if that will be phase 2,X detatching from his kids more and more then throwing them some scraps to keep them hooked in emotionally .Oh Ffs ,these guys will do it to their children too ,is that to get at me or just because its grown up work ie childcare.a bit of both I expect.Then I tell him off then he moans complains but does turn up.a bit like the money
,he posted some today ,because I phoned him to say I needed money.if I don't say anything he thinks ,like a child ,he has gotten away with something,if I do speak to him he calls me a nutter and is abusive.
So why is my brain thinking of him all steamy and sexy(this week only )Do U think its because I'm not getting any.

Just not had the 'kryptonite" head fuck attraction thing ,for so long and I guess its because I didn't see him for a month and the kids were so xcited .But I was also very angry and I think watching the sound of music just tipped me over the edge .its when they sing the song,
"And here I am standing here next to you,whether or not I should "
Just never recovered from that, just so weepy
I just need to start thinking of someone else to stand next to .
Unconditional love is ok if its my kids
Not for some undeserving X that had treated me so cruelly and with such disrespect making me beg for money.

Fairy, so sorry to hear about your mum. My dad died of cancer 2 years ago. It's rubbish, isn't it?

Patience, I have those longings for xp too but it is more about the memories of what we had. It's tainted now. As for these feckless men evading their responsibilites I think the key to it is to completely stop having any expectations of them. How that is achieved, I really don't know.

Hi Romney. Holidays aren't always quite what they're cracked up to be. Maybe they'll get food poisoning.

I have found the weather so depressing here today. Dull, grim and grey. Roll on another day. Each day means I'm one closer to getting through this nightmare.

Just had a friend phone me she got divorced a long time ago she said it took her 3yrs to get over it and I was doing amazing.

Hello all - just popping my head round the corner

Patience - I agree that he has done everything he has done because he wanted to and for no other reasons. I don't even think he's not seeing the kids just to get back at you (although that may be some of it) but it's mainly because he just can't be bothered. He loves them but doesn't want the ptractical things that go with loving your kids. So really he doesn't love them enough. And that's hard for you, probably harder than it is for them because they are very little and you are the centre of their worlds, not him. They might miss him a bit but not as much as you might think.
And yes, you feeling a bit sexy about him is probably because you are missing that side of things. After a year apart, I suddenly felt very lonely and really wanted a relationship. I think after three years now I am just really completely over my divorce, it even took two failed relationships after the divorce to make me understand that I have to be happy with me and what I've got. It is a slow process. You will get there. This sadness is temporary and will pass x

Patience I think it may be that year anniversary expectation thing, where you were on a buzz thinking yep I am ready to start a new year everything has been done once etc. Instead its had the opposite effect. I think I was having a bit of that too. Dont worry you will wade through it like you have everything so far and then be a few steps further to utter detachment.

Fairy no matter the cost see a solicitor even if you do have to pay later. My limited understanding is as long as you dont have more bedrooms than people then he cant force a house sale until the youngest is 18 yo.Every case varies though and I dont know if it being an ex council house comes into it but I doubt it.

LC yes the weather certainly adds to the gloom doesnt it

Instead of thinking that's my husband when i see him I want to think that's dcs dad does that sound about right.

sorry to hear about ur mum fairy x

Like the name change Patience :) If it's any help, when I see my exh now I just think here's the boys' dad.

Hi all - just catching up as I've been trying to get my head back into work.

Hope your ds had a lovely day Tea

Romney - if he hates hot weather chances are he'll not protect himself properly and come out in a heat rash and get burnt - not a good look

Fairy - so sorry about your mum - I went through the same thing. Sending you big hugs. I'm going to the solicitor on Friday - can't afford it but feel at least it's taking control.

Patience I'm sorry you are going through it. I've found myself thinking fondly about XH and his potential (rather than the reality) - so I've started a new mantra - it's called 'This is the man'

So it goes:
Feeling like I want him back?: Well this is the man who when dd had a temp of 104 and rising went to bed at 9.30pm and left me to it because he 'had a cold' and when I woke him up because her temp was rising to help me give dd Calpol said "You fucking bitch you're doing this on purpose - you could do it on your own" (I have a bad back so find balancing her and calpol spoon tricky!)

Feeling like I want him to touch me?: Well this is the man who when it looked like we were losing the house because of debt refused to give up his hobby for a month (even though I said he could have any spare money after I balanced the budget). He would rather see us lose the house than give up playing in a band.

Feeling jealous of OW?: Well this is the man who forgot I'd found a lump in my breast and when I'd said I'd got an appointment at the hospital said: "Why are you going there?"

And finally for now - feeling like I'm missing his presence?: This is the man who after my nephew died a week before our wedding said to me recently that I should have tried harder on the honeymoon which I spoiled.

I'm finding this very helpful in my moments of wishing him back. I'm sure you've all got ones to fill in of your own.

Sending good thoughts and big hugs to everyone

I think I am just at a stage when I still have feelings for him even though logically I shouldn't ,but its just habit.I think I am 3/4 of the way there,and another 6 mths should make all the difference.
re name change that was my previous one ,its taken from a prayer and I think summer will soon be here ,be patient stay in the day and have Faith.
I truly didn't think he would opt out of childcare but I guess I won't be surprised if it happens just helps to push him further away .Does that just happen gradually ggm the complete detatchment.

Makedo - that is a great mantra.
Patience - what a lovely prayer. I think it was slightly different for me because I didn't really fancy my exh by the time he left. I loved him but I never got the feeling that I wanted to be passionate with him, so perhaps it was easier for me. Although I have sort of blocked out how awful it was now - bit like you don't really remember the pain of childbirth. But yes, the detachment is a bit like a veil lifting very very slowly. You are struggling along and then one day when you see him or think about him you realise that you have no feelings left for that person and can't even remember what it was like to be married to them. It's been 3 years now and I can honestly say that's how I feel. Mind you, I thik I've probably made the mistake of looking for another relationship too soon, so i've spent more than a year feeling heartbroken or on edge about two other men. Weirdly, I think that this was also part of the healing process from my split with exh, if that makes sense.
Found this talk by a US social work researcher on another thread. It's 20 minutes long - the end is especially moving and quite inspiring. It's about loving yourself and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Give it a watch if you can
here it is

Hope all you lovely ladies are ok tonight. I think we all need to have faith Patience. I am feeling serene for the first time in about 10 years. It may not last, there may be wobbles and upsets along the way - there will be! - but I'm feeling so relieved that normal life feels, well, normal. It's been and continues to be a long journey but I'm really glad I'm on it actually. I will look back over my thirties and think that all the shit has made me stronger.

Hello lovelies just bookmarking, will catch up tomorrow with you all

I think its fallout from co dependence really .
I read the lundy bancroft book re dv in April and stopped making excuses and put boundaries in place it was amazing to see his reaction the guy that I knew just started to dissapear over the next few months .The selfishness really started to shine thru .He felt the change to ,he could no longer control me like he did b4.But every night out he was having he was
thinking he was getting away with it ,he was telling me he was safe and staying with a friend to get sober but he was in the pub every night getting pissed.I found out and found out about s divorce. He new i didn't want a divorce and said we would try again but it lasted about a week .I knew I would never be happy or safe in a relationship with him.my kids are safe and secure with me.he gives me the creeps when I think what he might have been up to but in spite of all the lies humiliation violence etc I still have deep feelings for him as my H .I suppose they have lain dormant under all the pain and anger.I know I will never be able to move on while i feel like this but how do I switch it off .he has shown me no affection since July.he has /is taking the piss out of me since he left.progress for me is I now don't believe anything he says,also I've managed to keep off the fags so stress levels are down,also I am aware I am in denial. I filed for divorce should be thru by Easter ,I will be subjected to his headfuckery for a long time to come this disrespect re co parenting is my problem I see 3 kids involved and one adult.and although I am aware of/ working on my codependence something is holding me back from moving on and letting go ,everytime I see him I want him to show me some emotion. its deeper than sex.its losing my best friend of 16yrs its making him into something that he isn't looking for emotion from someone incapable of giving it .I just feel stuck.right now I can't feel I will ever not have feelings for him .I just loved him so much but why am I still crying.I know its over.

I would never say any of this to him ,it would just feed his ego but I still can't believe he doesn't want to be with me and his kids.I have been seperated for 12mths and completely understand my situation but in an illogical way I can't take in what a weak selfish cruel detatched narc bastard my H is.He hasn't tried to charm me for months ,obviously no point now,nothing in it for him,he doesn't get in my house,tried to get him to buy car seats for 6 mths ,he hasn't managed to do it .he is homeless.I know I can't rescue him and I know I shouldn't rescue him ,I know after the pain he has caused me the journey I have been on is mental and physical self preservation then slowly the healing will happen.But why do I feel the connection still ,why do I feel safe just thinking about him,why do I feel one cuddle would take all the pain away when I know it wouldn't ,when o know he had hurt me more than anyone I have ever met .I have been over it and over it a hundred timed over in the last 12 mths,its over he has moved on ,why can't I ?

Counsellor (looks across room at Patience)
"And you want to be with this man ,why?'
Patience "ah fuck knows ,he's an arsehole isn't he "

Just saved myself 40 quid

Question :Why ?

Answer : Because he wanted to.

Reason : Free will .

Advice just fucking get on with it , ur marriage is over,he has moved on .

Resolutions ,to read all 5 books I got at Xmas.
to start studying my crystals again.
to get out once a week on an evening on my own.
To accept my X is no longer my life partner .
to reverse park in any situation.
to run a profitable business.
to have a holiday.
to have sex in 2011.
To read some more self help books x
To enrich my children's lives.
To lose my rage of injustice re my husband being a selfish opt out bastard fucker.

Hi ladies just on way bk to sleep after a night feed.I have not managed to post on here for a few days due to internet being down for 3 days and my mum being here for the last 2 but have been reading all posts from my phone at night.will beback on properly in next day or two just wanted to send all of you wonderful, amazing and courageous ladies lots of love and strength for the new year ahead that we all face..alone but very much together on this thread.

Annoying typing lots on this phone so wl go but just wanted
to say to patience that sorry u r feeling crap .You have been so strong , supportive and lovely to me.it does sound like it's part of the crap process...and you are v much aware of it.your feelings are totally understandable and sometimes how your are feeling and logic are wildly mismatched -we can control our heads but feelings are slippery little suckers aren't they? baby crying again teeth coming through like crazy aghh it's times such as this that make me so angry that he is five minutes round the corner either in bed snoring away
peacefuly or shagging the marriage wrecker
whilst I am up at night cuddling and rocking worrying about the future grrrrrrr

Sending u strength cv,UR doing the most important job in the world right now.big hugs.I wish I could just buy a broken heart repair kit off the internet.would be so much easier.I think losing the anger means feeling more pain for me .
Back to school 2 day best get going x