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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he hasnt even replied to my happy chridtmas text.....

167 replies

icepick · 25/12/2010 09:07

Am seeing someone who I've know as friends before that. He has said he loves me, and I've said the same
We aren't spending Xmas together as he hasn't met any of my family, nor me his. I did ask if he was free before Xmas but he said he was busy and would see ne after it.
I've just text him about an hour ago to say happy Christmas and he has nor even replied. I know he is up and not doing anything as he's been logged into his pc since 630.

I shouldnt bother with him anymore should I.

Am not going to let it ruin my day. But its made me a little bit sad.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 28/12/2010 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 08:41

i havent stalked him into loving me at all.

Most, if not all of the moving the relationship forward has come from him.

Ive not been on my knees chasing after him at all.

I can tell he is not currently into me. But i also know that he will be again. In the mean time i shall date other people and shall not contact him.

I am just a little sad about it, as i thought seeing as he told me how much he loved me and wanted us to move in together, that he wasnt going to be like this anymore. And i guess i was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 09:27

i just get a bit confused. 10 days ago it was all talking for hours. staying up late talking into the early hours. Racing home from work, not being able to see enough of each other.
Talk of the future, the things we both wanted, really opening up, and i felt secure and happy.

Then for no reason, hes just stopped that. Ive not had more than a snatched 10 min conversation with him since the monday before christmas. Ive not seen him since then.
My texts have been ignored. He has spoken to me online, only a few times. He was online when i logged on this morning, but did not contact me.

I dont understand really.Im hurt.

OP posts:
kyotokate · 28/12/2010 09:39

I have followed this .. OP you said in an earlier post that he is known for being fickle.... he is living up ti that. If you can tolerate the blowing hot and cold then continue the "relationship" if you cannot then BIN him now.

It sounds to me like you cannot tolerate the blowing hot and cold behaviour he displays. So for the sake of your sanity get rid. He will NOT change.

allgonebellyup · 28/12/2010 09:47

Aw i really feel for you Icepick. ITs SO hard when you can remember how lovely they can be sometimes. i have only just found the strength to end it with my twat, and even then i kept to-ing and fro-ing. He doesnt talk to me now since it happened last week, and tbh i feel miserable as sin.
But i know i will get over it.
Better to be hurt now after a few months, i decided, than in a couple of years time when it will take me even longer to recover...

Ironwilledmama · 28/12/2010 09:55

icepick,

I remember relationships like this when I was younger (late teens/early twenties) I obviously had low self esteem as I'm now in my thirties and I've learnt the hard way that you don't walk away from someone treating you like this, you RUN. Take the focus off this idiot with issues and start thinking about why you're allowing this to happen. Your looking at online dating but that sounds like a distraction until idiot man comes sniffing back around which you've stated he will and which frankly you sound relieved about! Save yourself a crappy year ahead and only allow people in your life who treat you with respect.

Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 09:56

ive said to him about being fickle before. His answer was this ' sometimes i am fickle, or single minded. But i still love you. I need you to stick with me when im like this, to be strong and to remind me what it is i want'

Crock of shit.

I said to him yesterday he was being fickle and disinterested, and he said no, he was just busy.

crock of shit.

I feel like such an idiot. I felt secure enough in our relationship to tell people i was seeing him ( thats quite a big deal for me to do that) and stupidly i had even told people we were moving in together in the new year.
And now, he isnt even talking to me.

Ive ended it with him before. Manged no contact for all of 3 weeks. It was a very painful three weeks. He contacted me.

OP posts:
kyotokate · 28/12/2010 09:56

allgonebellyup is right... binning this "man" will hurt a lot in the short term and I feel for you but, tolerating the hot/cold behaviour will hurt you far more in the long term.

Look after yourself. x

kyotokate · 28/12/2010 09:57

X posted ...

SlartyBartFast · 28/12/2010 10:01

why does he want you to tolerate his fickleness?
what is he up to then?
Sad for you

Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 10:06

I know. Ive had 18 months of this behaviour.

But he hasnt done this for a good 4 months or so, which is the longest time period. Which is why i thought it was all working out.

I do love him. But this is not what i want. When hes there for me, he is wonderful. but the times that he isnt, im just crushed.

Ive signed up on match, ive been talking to a lot of people. Distracton or not, my ego needs to know its not my fault.

Ive got some dates lined up for next week. I think i need to know that there are other men out there, who find me attractive and are a bit more attentive than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 10:07

i dont know what he is up too.

I have asked him why he gets like that. What is the cause.

He says he doesnt know. Thats just how he is.
He isnt just like it with me, i know he was like it with other girlfriends.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 28/12/2010 10:09

Stop.
Internet dating is the last thing you need right now. WHy do you feel the need to jump from one man to the next? Take some time out to be by yourself and work on that self esteem. Why do you need to feel that another man finds you attractive? Why not work on feeling good enough by yourself before throwing someone else into the mix? Signing up to Match is a huge mistake.(and I speak as soneone who met my dp online.) I find it very difficult to understand the attitude that it's better to be with anyone than be on your own. You need to work on your self esteem.

emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 10:11

Errrrr hate to say it but if you NEED a man to make you feel good, you're going to attract the nasties and abusers.

A decent man wouldn't come near you, you are to dependent, needy, desperate, wanting others to fufill your self worth.

You already are attracted to one this pull me push me bollocks is all a form of emotional abuse to keep you hanging,

Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 10:16

my self esteme is fine.else i wouldnt be saying id had enough of this.
Im awesome :) and i say that and mean it.

ive been on my own for years. Im more than happy with that.

But the end of this ' half, and not quite a relationship' with someone, has made me feel that i want to go out and live my life.

I dont want to be stuck in wating for him to contact me. Or thinking what he is up to.

I need to do something for me.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 28/12/2010 10:18

Doing something for you is not going on lots of dates. It's just not.

emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 10:22

Icepick your posts speak volumes.

They are desperate, needy, and full of issues.

You are going to attract more of the same, the smell of desperation is like bees to honey with these sorts.

If you truly were ok with yourself, you'd be doing something for yourself, not signing up to match, looking for a man to fill the gaps and prove how worthy and attractive you are.

It reeks of desperation and any decent man would run from you, but all the nasties that like the mind games a bit like this tosser will be queuing up to play with you and declare love

Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 10:23

i dont need a man to make me feel good.

Im the most independent person there is. Did you not read further up i said i finally told people i was seeing him, and that that was a big deal to me.

Because it was. I dont flit from man to man. I dont need a man. Im not needy. Im the opposite of that. This silly man did say that my lack of needyness sometimes bothered him. Because im not like that. You have got that totally wrong.

Im not some sad, desperate, needs attention from losers woman. or just goes out with anyone because they paid me some attention. Im not like that at all.

I dont know why im attracted to this man. I suspect its something to do with wanting what i cant have. Ive known all along that it wouldnt work out, but chose to do it anyway.

But enough is enough. Im done.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 28/12/2010 10:24

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emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 10:27

Yes sgb it does seem like that.

Your posts reek of desperation, that's a fact, expect more of the same. No decent man would come near some one so needy and dependent.

You can lead a horse to water....

piratecatClaus · 28/12/2010 10:28

Well, sounding out opinions and sifting thru means you can process.

There's a reason for this thread, and i truly believe you have come to the right conclusion.

It is very difficult to close the door on someone, when they are saying one thing, but then pissing you about the next. It's natural to want the bit that's good and happy, but the time HAS come for you now.

Good luck, and stay strong. Focus on a new start.

Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 10:28

doing something for me is.

Ive an already very full and varied life.
I go out, i do things. I enjoy life.

And im done being treated like this.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 28/12/2010 10:29

You're cpntradicting yourself. Had you not said you'd signed up to match and have lots of dates lined up it might be different. But you are looking for someone to validate that you're ok imo. That stuff doesn't come from someone else, it has to come from you and I totally agree that by signing up the same day you break up is highly needy, and not a little passive aggressive. You are essentially trying to 'show him' that you're fine without him, see all these dates you have lined up? It won't work, he doesn't care, and you will ultimately feel worse. But if you thnk it's a good idea to go and meet men atm then you go ahead.

Original poster
icepick · 28/12/2010 10:33

well. thank you for calling me desperate.

why am i desperate, becuase i believed, for a few months the things someone said to me?

Im needy, because when he said he loved me and wanted me, that i believed that? and finally let my guard down to show my feelings ( which is something i DO NOT do, EVER)

If i was needy and desperate i would go out with anyone that asked me. I get asked all the time. I got asked for my number in damn zizis yesterday.
I said no.

A drink with someone, and some harmless flirting is not sad or desperate. its just a distraction.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 10:57

You are needy and desperate because you are signing up to match to fit as many dates as you can, to validate your self worth. To prove how attractive you are and it's not your fault (your words).

This is needy and desperate, it should come from within, you are looking for validation, not harmless flirting.

It's not your fault the push me pull me emotional bollocks this guy has been playing is designed to do this to you. You need to improve your own mind first. You shouldn't be needing a man to validate yourself.

You are contradicting yourself as boo said. This is because your actions and words do come accross as needy, whatever you say and guys will sniff this out. You also sound quite hysterical.

The minute you need a man to prove to yourself how worthy you are, you are dependent on someone else and you'll attract mind fuckers all day long.

Until you realise this, the cycle will go on with other relationships but ho hum. All the best.