New man has "stage fright" - what can I do to help?

[QueenStromba]

I've recently started seeing a guy and even though we've slept together a few times we've never managed to have sex due to his stage fright. He does get hard and it's fine if I just stroke it gently with my finger but If I do anything more than that it starts getting soft, there have been a couple of times where I thought he'd stay hard but he goes soft at the sight of a condom. He says he doesn't have this problem when he's alone so it is just nerves. I've not been putting any pressure on him to perform because from a purely selfish point of view I couldn't care less if we never had sex since he's amazing with his hands (I really never thought I'd say that!) although it does bother me that he's given me countless orgasms and I've not even given him one.

Has anyone been in this situation before that can give me some advice?

Er, could I suggest you take matters into your hands/mouth and reciprocate that way before moving onto needing a condom? I'm guessing but I imagine that if he's climaxed with you once it may help to ease the stage fright.

How about (don't all shout at me)

You turn your back on him and kind of, um, snuggle in. Pretend to be dozing slightly. It might take the pressure away - you know the "It's time to make your willy really big now" pressure - as you aren't looking at him expecting to be serviced fantasticaly.

Cynic in me says he's good with his hands for a reason. And maybe this is a bigger issue.....

But think just time and becoming more comfortable and relaxed with one another will help.

He goes soft if I try and give him a blowjob or handjob and I know what I'm doing in that department (I've had guys tell me that there is no chance they're getting it up again but I've had them ready to go in a few minutes).

I too think he may be being a bit economical with the truth too

seriously, I may just never have met men with sexual dysfunction but although a one-off failure to stay hard can be excused for all sorts of valid reasons, a persisent problem is not so easily explained away...

what is his relationship history like, or has he not gone into much detail ?

horseandchickens: I was thinking the same thing.

coldtits: tried it. He does get hard but then loses it again as soon as I go near it.

You sound very experienced. Could it be that he feels intimidated?

Anyfucker: I'm not sure on his relationship history. He is bisexual so there is the worry that he is just gay but just hasn't admitted it to himself.

How about explain your not bothered about sex, but you want him to experience orgasm because of you.

Is there a strip tease you could do or similar. He could then 'use' that memory when alone........ And then recreate for real once he's done his homework?

oh bloody hell

are you sticking around to see what "turns up" then ?

< sorry for terrible pun >

if you were me, I would walk away

hairy: Maybe. I'm not really sure how much he knows about my sexual history. We were friends before we started seeing each other and I'm pretty open about that sort of thing so I wasn't keeping stuff back like I normally would.

He's got plenty of material in his wank bank horses! He said he has no problems when he's thinking about me just when I'm actually there.

Anyfucker: As I said - he's great with his hands. I honestly couldn't care less if we had sex except for the fact that it feels a bit one sided that I'm having multiple orgasms and he's having none.

Has anyone tried cock rings? They seem like they might be the solution. And what would be the best way to go about it? I did ask him if he'd ever tried them last night and he said he hadn't. I was thinking I could get him one and let him try it out by himself before we tried it together - what does everyone think?

fairy nuff...not a great longterm situation hough is it ?

if you wanted longterm, that is...

though

if he goes soft at the sight of a condom, imagine cock ring would have same effect.

My ex had exactly the same problem, it was never resolved, he too was great with his hands.

I'm not sure what I want at the moment. If it did get serious I could always go on the pill then it could happen more naturally rather than having to stop and fiddle about with condoms. And maybe the cock ring could be like bike stabilisers and help him get over the nerves - he might feel less pressure once we've done it the first time.

er, forgive me for saying this, but wouldn't you still need a barrier method for protection against STI's ?

unless you both got a test first, of course

Jaqui: Ah - his talent is because this is a recurring problem then. I'm relieved that it's probably not to do with me. I've never had this problem before - I could normally get an erection out of a corpse (not that I've actually tried). Did you try a cock ring with your ex or know if he'd tried it before?

Anyfucker: Don't worry - I always send new partners to the STD clinic before I go on the pill.

Shouldn't it be the person with the issue who is seeking out advice? Is this not something he needs to solve? I know as a couple it affects you both, but it is his body.

Personally, I'm inclined to believe it's his body telling him something and given you say he is bisexual, I would be wondering if he wasn't gay.

ok

am going to leave you to it now

but I think you are actually past the point of calling this simply "stage fright" and needing to acknowledge he has sexual dysfunction

if everyhing else about him is bloody fantastic, then stick around if you wish

but if he's a bit meh in other ways, I would cut my losses, tbh

it isn't your job to help him sort out his erectile dysfunction (since this is a new r'ship)

good luck x

You haven't said what you think of him outside the bedroom. Do you really like him?

He's a great guy and because I knew him for a while before I started thinking of him that way I never tried to hide my little neuroses from him so I can be myself with him - he's seen me at my worst and he still likes me.