New man has "stage fright" - what can I do to help?

[QueenStromba]

I've recently started seeing a guy and even though we've slept together a few times we've never managed to have sex due to his stage fright. He does get hard and it's fine if I just stroke it gently with my finger but If I do anything more than that it starts getting soft, there have been a couple of times where I thought he'd stay hard but he goes soft at the sight of a condom. He says he doesn't have this problem when he's alone so it is just nerves. I've not been putting any pressure on him to perform because from a purely selfish point of view I couldn't care less if we never had sex since he's amazing with his hands (I really never thought I'd say that!) although it does bother me that he's given me countless orgasms and I've not even given him one.

Has anyone been in this situation before that can give me some advice?

Malificence, I was wondering at one point if the OP was indeed the man. This made me think

I really do think that society puts an unfair amount of pressure on men to perform sexually. They're supposed to be rock hard and ready to go whenever a woman wants them to be, not come until the woman has and then come straight away. Women expect their man to finish them off using their hands or mouth if they've not come during sex but don't expect to have to do the same for their man

And the backtracking, getting very defensive in parts.... dunno tho!

QS - in late 20s mos men are running on full if not overflowing tanks and many men in their 20s are thinking of having sex several times of the day. Not all, but the physical drive is not far off peak then. IT is therefore worth get clearance on conditions such as early diabetes. Also, does your beau exercise/is in fair physical condition?

Then, if he is physically fine, why do you presume that he to penetrate for full enjoyment? Why not let him lead you to whatever pleases him the most? Given that you are open-minded then you might be well suited to take him on whatever journey floats his boat if you are not already doing so.....he could be that man who lives to give pleasure....a giver not a taker.

We (dh & I) have had this problem. We had it for several weeks, several months ago. It wasn't stage fright tho, as dh & I have married 16yrs.

It started as one failed attempt & then continued from there really. He was fine getting an erection, maintaining it during foreplay etc but as soon as it came to penetration, it was gone. We tried all sorts, but nothing seemed to help. I am pretty sure the pressure of the first failed attempt knocked him sideways, tbh.

He could come through masturbation & I had no problems making him come. Just couldn't get it to happen 'together'.

So we just stopped trying. Did all but the penetration. After several weeks it seemed to have fixed itself. Your posts do all seem to be about penetration, even though you have said you can wait/do other stuff etc...asking about cockrings, not using condoms as a solution etc. Yes, I know you want a solution, but there is an awful lot of pressure from you on him in these posts & I wonder if he gets that when he is with you? Regardless of your demeanour at the time. My dh always picked up on my disappointment & I know that made it more difficult for him. Which is why we took penetration off the table for weeks.

I don't know if your man's problems are down to him being gay-not-bi/or stage fright/a medical problem/a more long term problem. But would it not pay to have a conversation about it, a bit more than 'oh I am bi & it is stage fright'. Because regardless of anything, this is your future too & surely it is better to know what you are dealing with now, than flogging a dead horse for the rest of your life, only to find out he is gay 20 odd years down the line?

He ought to go to the GP & rule out an underlying physical condition

I don't get the bi-angst. You suggest you are sexually experienced & proficient & open to experimentation, but in all that time not had a female partner? or him a male one? sounds like some denial there or misinterpretation thinking that to find the opposite sex attractive must equal bi. Think we've seized on this as it does not compute.

All you other suggestions re devices to maintain an erection, hike the pressure to perform. Go with the Tracy Cox suggestions if that fits your circs best but be prepared to be patient.

I really wish I hadn't mentioned he was bi. It really has clouded the issue and I have thought about it and have come to the conclusion that it really isn't the problem.

But you can't just ignore that fact that he is bi- or thinks he is, or is gay and is calling himself bi- it is a very important issue.

As the previous poster said, it is possible that you yourself are misinterpreting your own feelings towards women. If you are late 20s ( you do sound a lot younger)then I wonder why, if you are bi, you have not put this into practice?
I don't feel you are right to give yourself this label if you haven't actually had any sexual contact with women. Many women are touchy-feely towards each other but it doesn't mean they are bi sexual.

The same goes for your boyfriend. Without a homesexual experience ( in late 20s) it is odd that he regards himself as bi- and I'd say the most likely explanation is denial of his sexuality.

How much do you know about him? Has he had relationships with girls? Or do you not know?

As another poster said the advice any sex therapist would give you is to leave off any notion of penetration for weeks and just enjoy doing other stuff.

I think you are giving him very mixed messages- on the one hand you are trying to make out it is no big deal, yet all your posts here show it is- he will pick up on this.

Crikey- just seen the time of your last post!

Another thought that struck me is- does he do drugs? Any smoking of weed etc will ruin his performance. But I still go along with the idea this is mind rather than body-based.

I just thought I should report back that we had sex with thanks to a cock ring. Haven't needed the cock ring since the first time but we've graduated onto the problem of there being no range of condoms for the larger man. I've got a bit of thrush and there are actually no non latex condoms that will fit a well endowed man. I even tried to get some femidoms but two branches of boots didn't have them.

Well thanks for that info.
Bit confused over your other points though.

Are you saying he can't get a condom to fit?
or are you saying that you need non latex because of thrush ( and I don't understand that so please enlighten me) and they are too small for him.

TBH if you have thrush you should abstain anyway until you have treated yourself and are clear of it, otherwise you will end up more sore, condom or no condom.

Also your partner will need to be treated for thrush as well, I used to get it rather a lot and it can spread back and forth between you.

Glad to hear things are going better.

TRUST ME there ARE condoms for the 'larger man' - gotta say that really made me laugh. Have you never seen the act where the condom can be fitted over a 'human head' - the one up top that is - so there is no way it wont fit over the head of are also bigger than normal so I dont think they should be a problem either.

Latex free condoms are also slightly larger so there should not be a problem with them either.

If you have thrush I suggest you try some lube (the sachet type) to moisten things up (even put it in the fridge first to get it cooler).

To get ANY supplies (including femidoms) go to your local GUM clinic or family planning clinic and you will get them supplied FREE OF CHARGE.

Sorry re last posting - bit missing - .......... there is no way it wont fit over the head of a cock. Latex free condoms are also bigger ...........

Sorry bout missing words as it just doesnt make sense without them ROFL. My lappy went askew and deleted part of the posting and I hadnt noticed till I re read.

It is a school boy boast to say that "there aint ever no condom to fit a man like me"

Ha ha! Oh i believe this is very clearly a thread about how fantastic and smug the op is with her deliberately trying to be unconventional sex life!!!