New man has "stage fright" - what can I do to help?

[QueenStromba]

I've recently started seeing a guy and even though we've slept together a few times we've never managed to have sex due to his stage fright. He does get hard and it's fine if I just stroke it gently with my finger but If I do anything more than that it starts getting soft, there have been a couple of times where I thought he'd stay hard but he goes soft at the sight of a condom. He says he doesn't have this problem when he's alone so it is just nerves. I've not been putting any pressure on him to perform because from a purely selfish point of view I couldn't care less if we never had sex since he's amazing with his hands (I really never thought I'd say that!) although it does bother me that he's given me countless orgasms and I've not even given him one.

Has anyone been in this situation before that can give me some advice?

In his bisexual relationships has he penetrated so to speak?

I personally would not knowingly date a bisexual guy - that is just another added large piece of baggage that I can do without.

Anyway, without meaning to sound horribly sarcastic have you suggested a strap on? Either for him to use on you or you on him? Could you even contemplate suggesting such a thing?

It does sound to me that he just cannot get turned on by vaginal sex.

How many is a 'few'?

This happened when I first met my DH also and he was very embarrassed and concerned about it.

The third time (and I REALLY wouldn't recommend this BTW) I knew I was at a safe period in my cycle and I encouraged him to try it without the condom - and voilà!

I did take the morning after pill and crossed my fingers that there were no nasties.

But it doesn't necessarily mean that your bloke can't do it, in my case, I was the first woman he had had sex with since his marriage breakup, so I was the first new person in the best part of 17 years - so he was nervous.

Persist a while longer before writing him off, if you think it's worth it.

What woman in her right mind would have unprotected sex with a bisexual man?

I don't know anything about his past sexual relationships. I don't even know for sure if he has had sex with a man (I would class myself as bi but I've never had sex with a woman). I wouldn't be adverse to the idea of a strap on - might be too early on to suggest it though.

I do think it is just stage fright though. He does get hard when he's giving me the multiple orgasms so I don't really think it's that he doesn't like vagina - afterwards would probably be the perfect time but I'm incapable of actually doing anything then and he doesn't try to take it further. Maybe if I show him where I keep my condoms so he can have his way with me once I'm a quivering mess it could work.

Malificence: I've said before that I wouldn't have unprotected sex with any man before they got tested. When you get tested at the STD clinic one of the questions they ask you is "have you had sex with a man who has had sex with a man" - my answer so far has been "not to my knowledge" because it's not the sort of thing that a man will normally tell you about but I think it probably happens more than we want to believe. In this case I at least know about it. Every time I've gone on the pill for a man I've told him that if he cheats on me and uses a condom and I find out afterwards I might forgive him and if he cheats on me and doesn't use a condom but tells me before having sex with me I might forgive him but if he cheats on me without a condom and then has sex with me then I will have his balls. To be honest I'd be more worried about having sex with someone who went to the world cup this year than a bisexual man.

chrysanthemum38: We've slept together maybe half a dozen times but I've only gotten the condoms out twice. Most times he's just turned me into a quivering mess and I've fallen asleep.

Any chance he may have any symptoms of diabetes? Tiredness, thirst, weeing a lot? Erectile problem could be an early sympton.

Can't believe I'm posting after years away but had to say something on this one!

This was exactly what happened when I met my now DH 6 years ago. It was just nerves (he'd recently been through a bad divorce after 25 years with the same woman so understandable).

He went to the Dr and got some pills (Cialis I think they were) and that solved the problem.

He used them for maybe about 6 months off and on but hasn't needed them since and we have a full and fab sex life now.

So have a heart - he's not necessarily gay or anything like that - just a shy, sensitive guy like my wonderful dh?

I don't get this man - or you.
If he says he is bisexual, that means he has had sexual encounters- or would like to have- with men. Similarly your claim that you are bisexual.

We are all evidently on a scale of our sexuality with complete hetero at one end and complete homo at another. It may be that he is really more on the homo side than he is willing to admit.

The fact that his willy wilts at the idea of penetration is telling you both something. I suspect it is because his sub conscious is telling him very firmly "Don't go there."

I think you need to know more about his sexual history and he needs therapy of some kind as I suspect he is in denial.

I was thinking maybe he's submissive? Some sub males aren't really into penetrating but love giving pleasure in other ways, which he seems to. Suggest bumming him with a strap-on, great fun.

Thanks Listmaker. I really do think it's just nerves - I think he's the chronically single type (like myself). I'll see if the problem resolves itself before suggesting he sees the doctor.

He may well be a bit submissive but itmight be a bit early in the relationship to ask if I can do him up the ass - I'll wait and see if he brings it up.

Viagra?

Viagra works if it is a physical problem. This is not a physical problem as he gets an erection and loses it presumably because of what is going on in his head.

OP- I am sorry but I think you need to wake up. being single is not really an explanation for what is going on.

It is his call surely to suggest he sees a dr- he must know that what is happening between you is not "normal" for want of another word.
when it does happen does he say sorry, or try to offer any explanation?

I'm sorry-I think he is gay and needs to accept it.

I'd agree with the gay 'diagnosis' too. Maybe you should just ask him.

We never got to a cock ring Queen, he just couldn't maintain an erection long enough. In 15 months we had very short penetrative sex 3 times, obviously though no long enough to satisfy either of us. He had previously tried viagra to no avail and even couldn't climate masturbating. To be honest it all became far too frustrating for both of us.

I wish I hadn't mentioned the bi thing now. I'd know if was just gay - he likes my boobs way too much for that to be the case for a start.

That sounds worse than my situation Jaqui. He can at least climax when he's on his own. Last night I told him I wanted to watch him masturbate so I stroked his balls and whispered dirty things in his ear. I think it would have worked if he hadn't been in the pub all evening - he stayed hard but just couldn't come (which I often find is a problem for men after they've been drinking).

are you sure he can stay hard/come on his own ?

you only have his word for that, and last night puts the kybosh on it, tbh

you are making an awful lot of excuses for a bloke who is suffering from erectile dysfunction

call it what it is, fgs

I have a bit of confusion here too

you say you are both bi...but neither has had sexual contact with a member of the same sex

how does that work then ?

I like to look at pretty ladies and think a nice pair of boobs is waaaaay more attractive than a bawbag...does that make me bi ?

Oh AF, all my dreams have come true! I always knew I could turn you...

as you were.

CV...am I bi then ?

show us ya boobs

bawbags are pretty ugly though aren't they ?

like a strangled xmas turkey

have I been denying my sexuality all these years ?

God, yes - not the best bit of the male anatomy, at least in terms of looks.
Pfft, you want boobs, I give you boobs:

oo loverly boobs

very perky

my question was a genuine one though, I don't get why OP is describing both of them as bi-sexual

I always find it harder to make myself come when someone is watching and I've been with a few men who find it harder to come when they've been drinking (including one who would come within minutes while sober but took a lot of effort after a few drinks) so I really don't think that is making excuses.

I've never had sex with a woman but I'm definitely bi - I've just never actively sought out a female partner and it hasn't happened naturally. I don't know what the situation is with him - we haven't talked about it yet. He may have slept with loads of men or none at all. I can guarantee I'm not the first woman he's been with though - he definitely knows his way around a vagina.

nope, still don't understand

never mind