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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man has "stage fright" - what can I do to help?

139 replies

QueenStromba · 21/12/2010 17:39

I've recently started seeing a guy and even though we've slept together a few times we've never managed to have sex due to his stage fright. He does get hard and it's fine if I just stroke it gently with my finger but If I do anything more than that it starts getting soft, there have been a couple of times where I thought he'd stay hard but he goes soft at the sight of a condom. He says he doesn't have this problem when he's alone so it is just nerves. I've not been putting any pressure on him to perform because from a purely selfish point of view I couldn't care less if we never had sex since he's amazing with his hands (I really never thought I'd say that!) although it does bother me that he's given me countless orgasms and I've not even given him one.

Has anyone been in this situation before that can give me some advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 14:42

I'm not saying it isn't a problem - of course it is, it's just not as bad as people are making it out to be. There is definitely a silver lining - we know each other's bodies way better than we would have otherwise (and have even learned a few things about ourselves).

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 15:02

AF: so you're saying that if your DP developed a problem you wouldn't want to help him, you'd just send him straight off to the doctor to get some viagra? If you stopped being able to get fully aroused would you not want him to try and help rather than have the attitude that it's your problem and you should deal with it yourself.

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 24/12/2010 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 24/12/2010 15:09

QS....if you go back the the beginning of your thread, I noted that this is a new relationship for you

I have been with my DH for 20+ years

there is a difference

even having said that though, if there is a sexual problem, I do think that personal responsibility should play a large role in getting it sorted

it is purely the kind of issue you simply cannot resolve on someone else's behalf (if all else in the partnership is ok)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 24/12/2010 15:09

oh give over, swc

smallwhitecat · 24/12/2010 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 15:19

Thanks swc. I posted this in relationships rather than AIBU for a reason! I really should have posted this on the other forum I'm on but we're quite a tight knit community there who've known each other online for a long time so I don't think anyone there would want to admit to having had this particular problem.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 24/12/2010 15:19

not exactly, swc

I am still here, still interacting, as is she

does my last post to her look like a "right tousling"...whatever that may be Xmas Hmm

she may not like my opinion, nor my brand of reality, but she hasn't told me to get lost just yet and nor do you have the right to do so in her name

CheerfulV · 24/12/2010 15:46

I think AF is simply saying what many of us lurkers here on the thread are thinking. Most people probably can't be bothered to post because it seems the OP is in denial about the extent of her new mans problem.

For what its worth, my first thought as soon as you said he was 'good with his hands' was - he's had this issue before. It not just you, it's not stage fright and as such there not a lot you can do unless he's honest and communicative with you.

Can I just say though that it's all very well getting to know one anothers bodies, and nobody's knocking you for that. But sex-play and a positive 'we'll sort this!' attitude is no replacement for frank, honest verbal communication about what is clearly a deep-seated issue on his part.
And lets face it, if he can't talk to you about it in more detail, he probably shouldn't be having sex with you or anyone in fact. We're all grownups here, it's hardly round the back of the bike sheds and all blushing and not daring to talk about what's going on - is it? Xmas Grin
I hope he gets it sorted OP, I really do. You sound like you have the best of intentions, but your head is somewhat in the sand. Which perhaps is par for the course in a budding relationship. Anyway, I wish you the best.

purplepeony · 24/12/2010 15:52

It really must be Xmas AF as you picked up on the same point I would have:
this man is not her DP FGS! he is a new few dates boyfriend!

OP- it might help you to know that I was with a man for 5 years who had problems- all down to guilt and a public school/upper middle class background.

After a few feeble attempts at sex ( he was a middle aged virgin when we met- I was much younger) we then had a platonic relationship for years.
I went to see a sex therapist to see what I could do. You know what the advice was? "Back off. Anything you do will make it worse."

We eventually split. He wasn't gay,but was def. screwed up.

This is not your problem. But at the same time, it is a problem- and just because you don't like some of the advice dished out, it's not good trying now to back peddle and say it's not really a problem any more.

This man has a problem.
Some men get nervous- but he doesn't sound nervous when it comes to playing with your fanny- so why is that?

You seeing it as your mission to sort it, or make him come or whatever, is not the way that "normal" relationships happen.

I think you have lost sight of the norms in trying to defend him- and your own behaviour.

purplepeony · 24/12/2010 15:54

oops- that should be pedal- can't stand spelling mistakes.

Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 16:33

CV - the reason I'm on here talking about it is because I can see how talking to him about it could make it worse since it's obviously a psychological problem rather than a physical one. Is there anyone on here who has had this problem and found that talking about it helped?

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 24/12/2010 17:02

QS, you misunderstand me, or perhaps I wasn't clear enough, in which case sorry. I meant that he should be talking to YOU about it. Off his own bat.

It's awful but everything I say on this thread seems laced with innuendo Xmas Blush I can't help it!

Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 19:10

I've just found this from sexpert Tracey Cox:

www.lovehoney.co.uk/tracey-cox/blog/2010/10/09/ask-tracey-cox-09-october-2010/

Seems like it's a perfectly normal thing when a guy really likes a woman.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 24/12/2010 20:54

well if it's THAT normal, whi aren't loads of posts here about it?

purplepeony · 24/12/2010 20:55

can you repost that link- it doesn't work.

Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 21:34

www.lovehoney.co.uk/tracey-cox/blog/2010/10 /09/ask-tracey-cox-09-october-2010/

Does that work?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 21:38

Hmm. Very strange link problem there. If you just paste the link in it doesn't work but if you're already on the site then it's fine. this is what is says anyway:

Tracey Cox Home
Why can't my boyfriend get an erection? He only has a problem when he is with me.

Posted on: October 09, 2010 15:10 | Posted by: Tracey Cox

This is more common than you think. It's very easy for men to get erections with women they don't really care for because it doesn't matter.

QuestionQuestion:

I've just started seeing a new man and after three weeks of playing around, we finally decided to have full sex except he couldn't get an erection. He still hasn't been able to and it's been a month. He told me this hasn't happened with anyone else, just me.

He also tells me he feels more for me than anyone he's ever gone out with and he's terrified he'll lose me because of this. I can't help but feel a little offended that I'm the only one he's ever had this problem with.

AnswerTracey Says:

Don't be offended, feel complimented. This is more common than you think. It's very easy for men to get erections with women they don't really care for because it doesn't matter. There's zero performance anxiety with someone you'll never see again, which is why some men have no trouble getting erect for casual sex but find themselves impotent when it comes to doing it with someone they could fall in love with, or are in love with.

The first time it happened, it was probably a simple case of stage fright. But because it didn't 'work' it made him even more nervous the second time, virtually guaranteeing an erection no-show. And so the cycle continues.

So, yes it is you - but in a good way. If he didn't care, he'd probably get an erection in a flash! The way to solve it is to load on reassurance: that you not only like him as much as he likes you (if indeed you do) but that him not getting an erection won't put you off.

Tell him you don't need an erect penis to keep you happy in bed and let him satisfy you using his fingers, tongue and a vibrator. Once the pressure is off, he'll start feeling more comfortable and the problem will right itself.

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 24/12/2010 21:41

Oh well, that's alright then. problem solved Xmas Hmm

Original poster
QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 22:36

Well it does seem like the problem is that he really likes me and the Tracey Cox link does make perfect sense to me.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 25/12/2010 09:24

You really like each other.

I am glad. Have a lovely festive season togeher x

(He is impotent though.}

strawberry17 · 25/12/2010 09:38

Ouch.

Original poster
QueenStromba · 25/12/2010 15:31

Looks like I'm not the only person not getting any.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 25/12/2010 15:38

I think that advice is rubbish.

JuJusDad · 25/12/2010 15:48

The Tracey Cox thing is all well and good, and certainly more supportive than much of this thread has been, but there is still a very strong sense of large unanswered questions in your posts, OP. And that's what the posters having been trying to get at. (IMVHO)

My suggestion would be to give it a set amount of time to improve - say six months - and I mean physically as well as for the deeper stuff to be properly talked about. And obviously, if you go with that idea, don't tell him...