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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New man has "stage fright" - what can I do to help?

139 replies

QueenStromba · 21/12/2010 17:39

I've recently started seeing a guy and even though we've slept together a few times we've never managed to have sex due to his stage fright. He does get hard and it's fine if I just stroke it gently with my finger but If I do anything more than that it starts getting soft, there have been a couple of times where I thought he'd stay hard but he goes soft at the sight of a condom. He says he doesn't have this problem when he's alone so it is just nerves. I've not been putting any pressure on him to perform because from a purely selfish point of view I couldn't care less if we never had sex since he's amazing with his hands (I really never thought I'd say that!) although it does bother me that he's given me countless orgasms and I've not even given him one.

Has anyone been in this situation before that can give me some advice?

OP posts:

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 09:38

Queen darling you are making far too many excuses for this guy.
it is well known that gay guys are good at all kinds of things- such as being a listening ear, emotionally intelligent etc etc- like a good girl friend. it doesn't surprise me at all therefore to learn that this guy has perfected foreplay and gives you pleasure. But how many men without an ED problem would be able to hold back when you are so turned on? I think too that youhave to accept and understand male sexuality a lot more than you appear to. men can do all kinds of sexual things and remain utterly detached.

I don't know how you can describe yourself as bisexual either if you have never put this into practise. Like AF i can look at women and appreciate their assets . I might even think about touching a great pair of tits-- but would I want to go down on them? no. I don't think this makes me bi.

I'm sorry but it sounds as if you are really forcing something that is never going to come right!

At the bottom of this is poor communication- by both of you. If you don't know any of his sexual history yet know he is bi, what does that tell you about the level of your emotional intimacy, never mind the physical side?

JaquiChan · 23/12/2010 09:40

Queen, my ex's first sexual encounter was with a guy, I think this was subconsciously the problem, coupled with a frigid ex wife and excessive use of porn, he is totally messed up sexually.

Listmaker · 23/12/2010 13:09

I think the Cialis worked the other way - so took the 'head' part out of it so as long as you are OK physically when on your own etc then it would let your body work without the nerves overtaking?

My dh was devestated at this happening and desperate to make love to me fully so he took himself off to the Drs fairly early on and I always respected him for doing that and sorting it out.

As I say we have no issues at all now so it was definitely never physical - all just mental.

And I've definitely had the experience many times of men unable to climax after a few drinks so think you are right on that one QueenStromba

Original poster

QueenStromba · 23/12/2010 19:25

I think listmaker is the only person on this thread who's really paid attention to what I've said. He does get hard when we're together but was losing it when I tried to do something about it. I think he's starting to relax more with me because I now have first hand knowledge of the fact that he can come. I'm just going to think of the sex as something to look forward. Oh, and I talked to him last night bout the bi thing and he never has actually been with a man.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 20:23

I think it's hard for any of us to get what you are on about Queen because you have never actually said that you have experienced him coming- since when?

The face that he wilts when you make any move is very worrying.

As for being bi- why does he think he is- and why do you? You ignore lots of questions that posters ask.

Original poster

QueenStromba · 23/12/2010 21:09

The fact that he fancies both women and men makes him bi. He came last night when I gave him a hand job.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 21:12

well you didn't say that- you said he had been drinking and couldn't come!

I am leaving this thread now as I don't know if you are being totally honest with us, yourself, or him. It all seems a very odd muddle.

Sorry.

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 21:14

This is your last post on what happened.

He can at least climax when he's on his own. Last night I told him I wanted to watch him masturbate so I stroked his balls and whispered dirty things in his ear. I think it would have worked if he hadn't been in the pub all evening - he stayed hard but just couldn't come (which I often find is a problem for men after they've been drinking).

Original poster

QueenStromba · 23/12/2010 21:25

That was two nights ago, it was last night that I made him come.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 21:32

it was last night that I made him come.

whoopee-doo

how many times have you "tried" to get that to happen in your presence ?

I have lost patience too

You are not engaging with people who are trying to help and understand (and also to get you face up to what is really happening here)

if listmaker is the only one who you are paying atention to...have the rest of us been completely wasting our time ?

cheers for that

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 21:59

So despite everyone doing their best to help you, you decided to omit the fact that you had made him come?

I think you are not telling us everything. The whole thing should not be such hard work and you are in denial.

Unless you start listening and answering the points people are making, then you can't be helped.

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 21:59

So despite everyone doing their best to help you, you decided to omit the fact that you had made him come?

I think you are not telling us everything. The whole thing should not be such hard work and you are in denial.

Unless you start listening and answering the points people are making, then you can't be helped.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 22:13

PP..we seem to be agreeing a lot recently

perhaps the spirit of xmas has blessed us

or summat

Original poster

QueenStromba · 23/12/2010 22:49

I'm sorry that I wasn't clear that I was talking about an occasion after the last failed attempt.

I really do think that society puts an unfair amount of pressure on men to perform sexually. They're supposed to be rock hard and ready to go whenever a woman wants them to be, not come until the woman has and then come straight away. Women expect their man to finish them off using their hands or mouth if they've not come during sex but don't expect to have to do the same for their man.

Can you imagine the amount of pressure women would feel if society expected them to be wet straight away and then come as soon as the man does?

OP posts:

PercyPigPie · 23/12/2010 23:04

'He does get hard and it's fine if I just stroke it gently with my finger but If I do anything more than that it starts getting soft' - I'm sorry, but that sounds like a pet mouse, not a penis.

If you intend to continue with this guy, I think communication is key. If you can't discuss it fully, then you are in for a very frustrating [literally] time.

Original poster

QueenStromba · 23/12/2010 23:43

It's not been in the least bit frustrating for me. We stayed up all night last night and it was amazing - better than any sex I've had and when we do finally have sex it will be even more special. I'm actually quite happy now that we've had this problem.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 24/12/2010 09:37

AF- how odd- I noticed that too .it must be the Xmas spirit- bet it won't last lol!

OP- you are now intellectualising
the topic of male sexuality to try to explain why it's not working with this guy. Men and women are different in their responses anyway.

I think you are coming at this from completely the wrong angle. You appear to have made it your goal to get this guy to come- and have sex with you, whatever.

If that doesn't put him under pressure, I don't know what will. You seem to be seeing him every day and every day you notch up another achievement on the road to full intercourse!

Even if you believe that you are not putting him under pressure by saying you enjoy all this extended foreplay, you still are- in his own head he will know he is not behaving like a "man".

What's missing from all of this- and by that I mean your posts- is his side of it. Has he not offered any explanation for his impotence- as that is what it is.
I agree with someone else wo said "you bet he's good with his hands" - he has had to use them so much as this is a long-standing issue I believe. You wown't be the first.

I think the reason why me and AF are getting impatient with you, is because you appear to be on a mission with this guy yet totally unwilling to either a) talk about it to him rather than a bunch of internet strangers and b) can't entertain the idea he could be gay or at least have some deep-rooted psycho-sexual issue.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 24/12/2010 10:24

"I really do think that society puts an unfair amount of pressure on men to perform sexually. They're supposed to be rock hard and ready to go whenever a woman wants them to be, not come until the woman has and then come straight away. Women expect their man to finish them off using their hands or mouth if they've not come during sex but don't expect to have to do the same for their man.

Can you imagine the amount of pressure women would feel if society expected them to be wet straight away and then come as soon as the man does?"

What?? Have you been living in a totally different society? Because as far as I can see the pressure is on women to be constantly available (especially in a relationship), not necessarily to come at all, or to fake it to spare the guy's ego, and even to carry on if we change our minds during sex. If for whatever (rare) reason sex is interrupted I have always felt it's expected that the woman will help finish the guy off with a hand job, blow job, etc. Before my current partner I have never had anyone offer to finish me off after sex and I never would have dared to say anything if I changed my mind during sex.

deludedfool · 24/12/2010 10:56

Bertie - we must not hurt their egos.

deludedfool · 24/12/2010 11:00

sorry, ego's. Bless them.

But OP, shame you have these difficulties (well, he has) right at the start. Please talk to HIM.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 24/12/2010 11:30

No you were right the first time - egos :)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 24/12/2010 12:00

OP...it isn't your responsibility to cure this guy's impotence

Original poster

QueenStromba · 24/12/2010 13:53

You're all talking like this is the worst thing in the world - no wonder men get so neurotic about it. Penetration really isn't the be all and end all of sex and anyone who thinks it is should really try an evening with their partner where everything but that is allowed.

PP: He told me that it's nerves and I believe him. And our sessions haven't been all about trying to make him come - we were in bed for a couple of hours on Wednesday before I paid any particular attention to his cock. He could well have some psycho sexual issues, I'm not going to make him talk about it though - he'll do that when he's ready. I imagine an ex girlfriend messed him up.

OP posts:

MrMananger · 24/12/2010 14:04

Well you're the person who started the thread!

If it's suddenly not a problem, then congratulations, but I don't see why you're so defensive when you invited opinions.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 24/12/2010 14:39

precisely MrM

and interesting that the opening title was "what can I do to help rather than What should he be doing about it...

I wish you well though, love, I hope he can sort himself out, for both your sakes

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