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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man has "stage fright" - what can I do to help?

139 replies

QueenStromba · 21/12/2010 17:39

I've recently started seeing a guy and even though we've slept together a few times we've never managed to have sex due to his stage fright. He does get hard and it's fine if I just stroke it gently with my finger but If I do anything more than that it starts getting soft, there have been a couple of times where I thought he'd stay hard but he goes soft at the sight of a condom. He says he doesn't have this problem when he's alone so it is just nerves. I've not been putting any pressure on him to perform because from a purely selfish point of view I couldn't care less if we never had sex since he's amazing with his hands (I really never thought I'd say that!) although it does bother me that he's given me countless orgasms and I've not even given him one.

Has anyone been in this situation before that can give me some advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenStromba · 25/12/2010 16:01

So you agree that talking about it would be a very bad idea then?

OP posts:
JuJusDad · 25/12/2010 17:38

Talking about his ED, his "bi-ness", and any other issues from this thread or whatever is in your relationship is fine.

I meant not to tell him you were giving the relationship a set amount time to become "properly physical" etc., as that's hardly going to help his performance anxiety.

Or a set amount of time for you and or him to
realise that he's a bit more gay than bi. Sorry, but that's what I think - I get the performance anxiety thing, but it seems to be taking a lot of your input to sort it...

JuJusDad · 25/12/2010 19:40

As extra clarification (before the g&t removes any clarity at all), I really do get the performance anxiety thing.

But given that you know each other, and that as far as is possible pressure is off him, it's rather rubbish that it's still a problem. Hence my opinion that he's more gay than bi.

Original poster
QueenStromba · 26/12/2010 05:26

I really have been shocked by the replies I've had on here. This is exactly why mumsnet has a reputation of being a den of evil harpies. I posted an honest question asking how I could help my man and you've all pounced on me. You really should be ashamed of yourselves. I've had people PM me because they're too scared to talk on here. Women like you are the reason men have problems like this in the first place. I'm glad that my DP will probably never have to brave this again but I'm very sad for all of the men who will have to put up with bitches like you.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/12/2010 06:25

Jolly good. Merry Christmas.

Ilovecoffeeandchocolate · 26/12/2010 09:33

I have been following this thread and I have to agree with QS some of the replies and nasty comments have been appalling. The OP wanted some advice and has seemed to have got nasty messages back. Is it really wrong for the OP to want to help her DP because she cares about him and if you care dies it matter if she has been going out for 6 weeks 6 months or six years. It is interesting that Tracey Cox (who make a living out of giving sex advice) gives much more helpful and understand advice than some of the posters here.

Original poster
QueenStromba · 26/12/2010 10:24

Thank you Ilovecoffeeandchocolate. I really am amazed at how negative and down right nasty a lot of posters have been. You'd swear I'd started a thread entitled "My OH can only get off when he feels like he's fucking rotten meat"

OP posts:
TDada · 26/12/2010 11:17

Been lurking on this thread ...... I saw the frustration of sincere posters building up here.....I also saw how QS might have been offended.

I think your relationship is slightly unusual ("bi man" + possibly "bi-woman") made it harder for posters to understand/empathise but I think that the posters above were sincere.

Can I offer some flippant advice.......grope your man very early in the morning at hourly intervals from 5:00hrs. At some point he will be involuntarily rock hard....you can then ride away into the sunset Smile......seriously his tank should be full and running over in the early mornings. Can I ask how old is beau?

TDada · 26/12/2010 11:19

nothing against "unusual" relationships; just making an observation as to why OP vs posters might have been missing each other BTW

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2010 11:24

Don't be offended, feel complimented. This is more common than you think. It's very easy for men to get erections with women they don't really care for because it doesn't matter

So going by that, my dh of 16 yrs - who has no problems getting and maintaining an erection doesn't care about me....think it is high time I had words with him about that!Hmm

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2010 12:55

I'm very sad for all of the men who will have to put up with bitches like you.

that comment is much worse than any of the sincere (if blunt, trying to pierce your denial) advice that people have been attempting to give you

I am sure you see me as one those "Mumsnet vipers" (that is becoming such a cliche ) but then equally I see your posts following the classic pattern of "ask for advice, don't listen to replies, get increasingly defensive when you don't hear what you want to, then blame all the bitches on Mumsnet for everything"

it's quite silly really, because people really were trying to help you

Ilovecoffeeandchocolate · 26/12/2010 13:09

Some of the comments have been helpful but others really haven't I'm not sure how the post below could be considered as constructive:

You really like each other.

I am glad. Have a lovely festive season togeher x

(He is impotent though.}

That sounds really nasty if you ask me. It's such a shame as comments like that aren't giving advice but just being nasty this maybe why people make the mumsnet vipers comments.

Malificence · 26/12/2010 13:41

Am I the only one who doesn't even think this is for real?

It's basically, "he has a problem, oh wait, no he doesn't". Hmm

There hasn't been a thread this surreal for quite a while.

Funny how we are vipers when OPs don't get the right kind of advice.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2010 13:57

no not nasty, Ilove, not when read in the context of the rest of the thread

taking one comment, out of context, is unfair

read the rest of the thread...or contribute to it at the time, instead of coming on at the end with your addition to the "ooh, you lot are bitches, aren't you" bandwagon Xmas Hmm

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2010 14:04

mal, will you tell me sternly to get the fuck off this thread please ?

Malificence · 26/12/2010 14:09

Step away from the thread and get back to Christmas AF . Smile

I'm attempting to eat my own body weight in trifle today - back to work tomorrow and we have a mountain of food in - DD and her BF have gone back to Derby a day early Sad, she had a phonecall from the restaurant she works in to ask beg her to go in today, poor girl she's knackered.

Ilovecoffeeandchocolate · 26/12/2010 14:10

I most certaintly did not and would not say anyone is a bitch. I just said the comment I highlighted may be the reason someone makes the vipers comment. I really cant see how the post I highlighted could be viewed as constructive. I did not come in earlier I I felt that if I said my views I would be torn apart. But after reading some of the last comments I thought who cares if I get taken apart as I felt the comments were really unfair.

Original poster
QueenStromba · 26/12/2010 14:19

Excuse me for wanting some reassurance that this would all be ok in the end. When I posted this I was hurt and confused and wanted some advice from people who have been in this situation. The last thing I was expecting was a load of people who claim to have never experienced this problem to tell me that I should just give up now because if he can't get hard for me then he's not worth it.

OP posts:
EverSoSlightlyDubious · 26/12/2010 14:50

I have been in this situation with two men. The problem just got worse not better, the longer it went on the more upset me and my partners became. I couldn't continue in the end.

I've also posted quite a few times asking for advice (am a name-changer) and accept I always have to take the rough with the smooth. I've had some really tough things said to me but most posters were only trying to be helpful.

No-one on here sets out to hurt other people I don't think; but this is the risk you run when you post to a host of strangers. You really shouldn't post if you just want positive affirmation or to be told that everything's going to work out the way you want it.

Vipers? I don't think so. Just a bunch of disparate women trying to help eachother.

cabbageroses · 26/12/2010 14:51

QS- I have been following this.

Do you not perhaps acknowledge that the reason so few posters have come along to say they had this problem too, is that most of them/us haven't?

"Stage fright" as such is usually what men get a couple of times with a new woman- but you two seem to be spending a lot of time together and you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on him to perform.

re. your defensiveness and the spat that has just broken out- perhaps if at some point you had said "Okay- maybe he is more gay than bi, maybe I have got it wrong..." people would be more sympathetic.

As it is, you are being an ostrich and looking for any reason, other than the one that is perhaps the most likely.

Can I ask how old you both are?

CheerfulV · 26/12/2010 15:01

QS, I have had this happen once: It lasted all of a few hours, and then we both gained confidence (the first few times with a new partner can be nerve-wracking) and went on to have the best sex ever.

Also, in my case it was more of a condom-based nerves issue; they can be a mood killer to some extent, because putting one on can be too much performance anxiety for any bloke at first. But then, that has already been said earlier on the thread.
Stage fright doesn't last and last, and is generally about the thought of penetrative sex making things wilt rather than anything more than touching him gently with a finger.

It's not the issue or the fact you are both bi that has got a lot of posters backs up, in my opinion. It's your lack of openness about hearing things, and your desperate quest for the only 'right' answer. You are looking for people to say one thing and don't want a range of opinions. So, MN may not be your best bet.

Think I'll bow out of this thread too because just feel like a stuck record and I'm getting a bit bored now!

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 15:06

CR...you are wasting your time

And I have finally got it through my thick skull that I have wasted mine < raises glass of sherry to mal >

Enjoy the rest of Boxing Day, all.

QS, one last thing. At the points I have wished you well on his thread, they weren't meant to be an ironic piss-take (although they have been taken as such). I hope you do work it out...why the hell wouldn't I ? But I sincerely think that isn't going to happen while you and him pussy-foot around his impotence problem, looking for any affirmation as to why that should be, apart from the one staring you in the face because that one doesn't suit.

Good luck x

Original poster
QueenStromba · 26/12/2010 17:08

Thank you EverSoSlightlyDubious. That isn't what I wanted to hear but at least it's coming from somebody who's been in my situation.

CR: I hope I haven't been putting too much pressure on him. Condensing several hours into a few sentences will sound like that though. The reason I posted this thread was to get advice on how to let him know that while I really want him inside me I can wait and am enjoying the journey.

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 26/12/2010 17:41

QC- forgive me for saying so, but I suspect that both you and this man are very young. 20s?

You are very good at coming back to defend yourself but never respond to points people want answering- such as your age and whether you will at least entertain the idea he is gay, given that he is at least confused about his sexxuality- bi but not really bi, IYSWIM.

Original poster
QueenStromba · 26/12/2010 21:44

Yes we're both late 20s. And of course he's confused about his sexuality. Being bi should be the best of both worlds but it's really not - what it is is a constant nagging feeling that you really are gay but haven't been able to face up to it. Gay people aren't interested because they think you're going to leave them for a heterosexual relationship. It's not too bad if you're a woman because men quite like the idea of you having sex with another woman but most women find the idea of two men together a bit icky and even if you can get past that you can't help but wonder if he'd like you better if you had a penis. Being bi really sucks - I'd much rather just be gay because at least that's a definite thing, being bi just makes me feel like I've not made my mind up.

OP posts:
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