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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is in pieces, didn't expect that reaction

128 replies

domeafavour · 21/12/2010 02:12

Just one of the threads here
solicitor cancelled today and friends cancelled on sat night, so was actually going to try to get through Christmas, but just had huge row and I told him I had had enough.
He knows I mean it and is now begging, saying he will do anything.
I think he is only saying it because he has realised he will lose his son, but he is broken.
I know there is no good time for these things, but he has seriously had a shit week.
Talking about staying at home alone for Xmas and skyping ds when we are at my parents. Sad

help me be strong and stick to my guns. My resolve is weakening.
I know this is manipulation but it's working.
I'm so tired.

OP posts:
Slightly · 21/12/2010 02:36

Oh god, you poor love.

I'm not one that has much in the way of advice, but I'm awake as I'm in the US and the UK helpful people like AF and WWIFN must be asleep.

I've read your other thread briefly, and it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Only you know whats best, but from what you've written your P sounds like a nasty piece of work.

For what its worth I've had a shocking week, but would never dream of talking to my DH like he talks to you, and I cant imagine he would last long if he tried it...

STAY STRONG

Can you get yourself to bed? xx

Binfullofgibletsonthe45 · 21/12/2010 02:47

Not been a reg for a while due to move, but just read your posts and no-one deserves that treatment....you were supposed to be his equal partner and there is no respect from him.

Keep strong and you will get some peace believe me, have done this myself.

It's all mind tricks and manipulation, you sound more intelligent than that so don't fall for this sh*t - he's sounds like a descpicable baby.

Let him skype - tell him what time the pc will be on and when you are free so that is his window of communication.

He's worried about losing his son? Any son I know wouldn't stand around and let their mother be called a cunt by anyone! He'll do a good enough job of effing up that relationship by himself.

Just concentrate on being a fab mum and giving you DS the best Christmas surrounded by people who love and care for you.
x

Brad79 · 21/12/2010 04:20

Stay strong.

You are doing the right thing.

No woman should ever be called that name, especially by a loved one. It is a word that is one of the most offensive terms that can be used.

From your previous posts it seems that you are doing all the right things. You are clearly unhappy in this relationship. Your little one will benefit so much by having a happy mother. Don't forget that you are worth so much more and you should not be dragged own by his actions and behaviour.

Although Christmas is close it should not be used as an excuse to delay any plans that you have in place. Additionally I feel that Christmas is about surrounding yourself with loving family. Which your little one will cherish more.

If your H is emotional about losing "his easy life" with his child. That does not mean that he will change his disrespectful behaviour. He can still be a good father without having a relationship with you.

In a nutshell a relationship should be able being equals and loving and respecting each other.

Sorry for the late posting. Working nights and I had great advice given to me about 18 months ago on this forum.

I wish all the best.

diddl · 21/12/2010 05:24

"I think he is only saying it because he has realised he will lose his son"

But he doesn´t think enough of his son to not shout & swear at you & call you revolting names with him in the house, does he?

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 21/12/2010 06:43

If he loved you, he would not have been treating you how he has. Just remember that.

Any tears now are for himself, not for you or losing you or what he has done to you.

He wants to keep you under foot, keep you where you are because it suits him.

Just remember all that he's done to you, all that he's said to you.

That's not love.

Original poster
domeafavour · 21/12/2010 08:06

Thank you all, when I get the time I will document his unreasonable behaviour. You will be horrified. But somehow that's all fading , I can't seem to hold on to it. All I am thinking about is separating a child from his father. I know he's a shorty father, but still.
He has taken his passport to work and is threatening to resign. He has nothing to lose, his bonus got paid yesterday, he has money in the bank, a poorly mum in aus, a job he hates, that has turned him into a horrible nasty person and I'm kicking him out.

OP posts:
arentfanny · 21/12/2010 08:33

He is manipulating you, be strong, keep your mind on your goal which is a peaceful household for your son to grow up in, he can have access, you are not denying him that.

He is making you feel guilty, once he has got you where he wants by being nice, i.e. not leaving, he will turn back into the man you want to leave and the cycle will start again.

marriednotmulled · 21/12/2010 08:54

It's all about him then? Hmm

You cannot contemplate raising a son who will hear him and then think that is a ok way to speak to a woman.

Stay strong, you know this is the final straw. He's not going to have a head transplant so this behaviour is not going to disappear.

Do what's right for you and your ds, no father is better than one so toxic. There's enough threads on MN to prove that point sadly.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 21/12/2010 08:58

He is manipulating you. Latest tactics. He is probably shocked that you are fighting back, that he had NOT managed to grind you down yet.

YOU are not separating a father and child. HE is. The way he behaves you are doing your son a favour by kicking him out.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 21/12/2010 08:58

Can you find another solicitor?

lucky1979 · 21/12/2010 09:29

Wasn't he all full of remorse once you caught him out cheating? Or am I thinking of someone else? He's crying because he's being held to account for his actions and he doesn't like it, not because he's upset at his behaviour.

Also, if his only concern is losing his son, and not losing you, then your relationship is over anyway. You would be better off without him.

malinkey · 21/12/2010 09:40

"He has taken his passport to work and is threatening to resign. He has nothing to lose, his bonus got paid yesterday, he has money in the bank, a poorly mum in aus, a job he hates, that has turned him into a horrible nasty person and I'm kicking him out."

So, he's planning to leave without giving you any money to support your DS? Who is he putting first here?

And I'm sure lots of people manage to survive jobs that they hate without turning into horrible nasty people.

You are so doing the right thing. He is only upset about himself - he doesn't seem to be thinking about you and DS all that much. Keep strong.

Original poster
domeafavour · 21/12/2010 09:41

well he's now saying he needs to find a flat, so I guess he's calmed down from resigning.
Quint, I have another appt after Christmas with the solicitor, I did have a good chat with her beforehand, so feel like I have had some advice.she was coming in to London for one free appt with me and the weather messed that up.Took me ages to find them, and they are a stones throw from work.
He is now asking me to write a list of what he needs to change, and he will do it.

I'm not taken in at all, it's just hard to articulate to him why ds will be better off without him. He talks a good argument. he know DS's welfare is my weak point.

it's not specifically about him calling me a c**t,
its about his selfishness, nothing comes between him and what he wants to do
his anger, his intolerance, his unreasonableness. His treatment of Ds, his behaviour toward DS
His inability to be a good father. He has changed a handful of nappies in his life.
Even on Sunday, when I said I had to do some Xmas shopping, his response was " well I can watch Toy Story with him, that's 2 hours"
then he test me to ask if he needed lunch... er it's 1.30, what do you think? So I told him what to feed him, and when I came in an hour later, Ds was not fed, not unless a mini magnum counts!!

Laughed at shorty father, he is huge, I meant shitty father!!

OP posts:
mamas12 · 21/12/2010 09:44

Yes don't disolve, you know you are doing the right thing really.
Go now go today. Pack everything you need and go.
He is all about himself feeling sorry for himself, he has only brought it all on his own head.
Perhaps you leaving will be the catalyst and he could change and treat you right.
You will never know until you go. Now.
You lo will thank you in the end, he knows about it don't you worry.

mamas12 · 21/12/2010 09:46

You don't have to answer to him in htat way at all.
Give him a list so he can refute every item, no thanks.
No need to justify at all, if he hasn't got it maybe you going will make the penny drop.
Don't get into all that nitpicking itemised bullying thing. Honestly, how many times do you need to say it ?

Original poster
domeafavour · 21/12/2010 09:46

and now he is turning on the waterworks re DS. Making a big deal of going in to kiss him goodnight last night.
this is the man who once went days without even looking in on him in his cot.

I haven't caught him cheating lucky, although very nearly once earlier this year and it wouldn't surprise me if he had been unfaithful.

yes malinkey, it is all about him. he said " i cant believe you are doing this after the week I've had, after x, y .z after we finally have the money stress sorted and money in the bank"

i think leaving the country was an empty threat, although he might eventually.
he will support us, and if he doesn't I don't care. I will do it

OP posts:
malinkey · 21/12/2010 09:52

Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you and trying all the tricks to see what gets a reaction.

Don't bother writing him a list of what he needs to change. You don't have to articulate it in a way that he approves of. Why don't you say exactly what you said in your last post and leave it at that? You don't have to debate your reasons with him. He can't argue that you are wrong. You know how you feel.

As mamas12 says if he really wants to change for himself maybe you leaving him will be reason enough.

mamas12 · 21/12/2010 09:53

That's the spirit. What about thinkng about you? No it's still all about him.
" i cant believe you are doing this after the week I've had, after x, y .z after we finally have the money stress sorted and money in the bank"

How about, @so sorry I've treated you abdly after the way you've supported me through this last week you don't deserve that'

No it's me me me.

Go now stop engaging he will try anything to keep you in your place.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 21/12/2010 09:57

Do not write that list.... If he does not even realize what he is doing wrong....

Original poster
domeafavour · 21/12/2010 10:14

I am going to write a list, but it will be to remind myself of all the shit I have put up with. All the abuse, hurt, disrespect, lack of support.
I think I need to do this to help myself to focus on the real issue

OP posts:
mamas12 · 21/12/2010 10:25

Good idea and stick it to your sons forehead so you can remind youself that this boy is not to be treated or to treat anyone like that ever.

StuffingGoldBrass · 21/12/2010 10:29

Oh they always boohoo and promise to change. But if you fall for it they will simply carry on as before. Sooner or later they will be abusive again and when you complain will say 'But you're not giving me a chance, you provoked me' or somesuch.
His sorry arse is dumped and it's all his fault. Hold that thought.

cestlavielife · 21/12/2010 11:01

behaviour sounds familiar - seen it with my exP....it is hard but you need to stick to your resolve.

if he choses to leave the country /not see his DS - well it will be his choice not yours.

orangina · 21/12/2010 11:07

Hi domeafavour.... was thinking of you today as you were going to see a lawyer yesterday..... sorry to hear this has happened. FWIW, if he is really going to change, then let him move out and PROVE it to you. But don't let him make you change your mind. And let him prove that he can have a NORMAL non manipulative relationship with your son. Ther eis no way you should take him back just because he is having a tantrum now and throwing all his toys out of his pram.

If you are feeling charitable, then perhaps this is the wake up call he needs to be able to sort himself out and prove himself to you. I don't know what the awful things are that he has done, so perhaps it is all too late for anything. But anyway, don't budge.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2010 13:00

if you give in now, you are not just back to square one, you are further back

because to cave now, cancels out all the hurt and humiliation he has meted out to you over the years

you will basically be saying "it is ok that you treated me like that, I will take you back so you can be nice for a little while and then revert back to the real person that you are"

a bit of crying and a bit of a "mental breakdown" doesn't cancel all that out

as someone wise on another thread said this isn't a breakdown, this is a reality check

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