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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is in pieces, didn't expect that reaction

128 replies

domeafavour · 21/12/2010 02:12

Just one of the threads here
solicitor cancelled today and friends cancelled on sat night, so was actually going to try to get through Christmas, but just had huge row and I told him I had had enough.
He knows I mean it and is now begging, saying he will do anything.
I think he is only saying it because he has realised he will lose his son, but he is broken.
I know there is no good time for these things, but he has seriously had a shit week.
Talking about staying at home alone for Xmas and skyping ds when we are at my parents. Sad

help me be strong and stick to my guns. My resolve is weakening.
I know this is manipulation but it's working.
I'm so tired.

OP posts:
Katisha · 22/12/2010 08:56

My advice would be not to start carving up things like this already. Get the divorce sorted first.
Absolutely no need to start bartering about next Christmas or anytihng else at this stage - he is up to some sort of mind game for sure.
Do the broken record technique and keep saying that you are not going to discuss this sort of thing at this point. You don't need to demonstrate a watertight legal-sounding reasoning. You need far more essential things in place than access for next Chrsitmas.
The more I think about it, the more it seems like emotional manipulation at a very emotionally manipulative time of year.

Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 08:58

Thanks chippingin, I'm proud of me too!

OP posts:
Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 09:16

I agree Katisha, but if I say I am not going to agree to him having DS next year, it's gonna cause a huge row, that's what he's counting on, I bet.

Oh and he posted some stupid Facebook status about this being his last UK winter.
He does rant on about leaving the UK, so hopefully no-one will think too much about it

OP posts:
Katisha · 22/12/2010 09:26

He can only have a row if you engage back. (Easily said I know)

allnightlong · 22/12/2010 09:36

I cant see the issue with him having next Christmas, you have your DS this Christmas. You need to get used to this way of life, when a family splits up it's not just the father that looses out but you do too it's only fair.
It sounds more to me he's testing you to find out how fair you will behave in terms of access.

malinkey · 22/12/2010 09:48

Can't you just say you'll talk about that later? Does sound very much like he's trying to hurt you as he knows Christmas is important to you.

cestlavielife · 22/12/2010 09:57

you dont need to agree anything about next xmas now. just say "that and other issues will be discussed as part of the separation agreement". repeat ad nauseum.

yes long term it may be the case that you alternate xmases - but you dont know what will happen between now and next year - he is just testing you .

Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 10:02

allnightlong, I am talking about sharing Xmas day, I think that's the only fair way if you both feel strongly about it. And I know people who make it work.
But he hates Xmas, he has big temper tantrums about it,he would happily ignore it. Seriously.
And this is the man who missed his son's birthday this year to go to Aus for a long weekend to see his mum.

I know there will be heartache about access/custody but I know I will be fair, I just don't want to upset the applecart right now. And I don't want to lie.
Cestlavie, that sounds like a plan, thank you

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 10:19

Domeafavour - just agree to keep the peace for now, it doesn't mean you have to stick to it, it can get sorted with all of the other stuff. Why do you have a problem with lying to this complete and utter wanker? DO it for DS. You are not setting a precedent this Christmas you are merely carrying on with the plans that had already been made and doing what DS is looking forward to - do not upset DS to keep this moron 'on side' because you wont. He's a manipulative bastard still working you.

Sharing Christmas is a really good option if you can do that, but please don't even think about next year right now. Take DS go to your family and have the best time you & DS can.

ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 10:20

IF you say it will be discussed as part of the access stuff he will only make this Christmas horrible for you and DS :(

Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 10:25

oh bollocks, crying now.

haven't even had any conversation about it yet, I am just waiting for it to kick off.

thanks chippingin, I know you have seen a fair few of my posts!

ok, gonna put it to the back of my mind now.

OP posts:
allnightlong · 22/12/2010 11:00

Domeafavor: sounds like it's all empty threats then if he can't be bothered to attend birthdays never mind Christmas.
He's changing his attitude and plans to throw you off just smile and nod.
On the aspect of Christmas day sharing, this doesn't always work out and it has to be something both parents agree on but at the moment thats a year away so don't worry to much.
Sorry didn't mean to sound harsh in my previous post I just read it as you having you head in the sand when in fact your just tying to cope. For what it's worth he sounds like a complete prick.

ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 12:17

DoMeAFavour are you otherwise organised for Christmas? I'm not - I look like a swan, all calm on the surface and flapping like fuck under the water! LOL I have a couple of tricky presents to buy yet - I am hopeless at shopping for presents - then there's all the wrapping etc arghhhhhh

Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 12:31

well, not got anything to organise really cos going to parents. H bought them wine and champagne, DS has too many presents, all small, but going to mount up massively.everyone else has one present at least, but seeing as I have only been able to do 3 hours christmas shopping, because H is so useless with DS, then I haven't really got what I wanted for them.
But they would be happy just to see me, they wouldn't care if I didn't take anything.

the last 2 years, despite receiving his substantial bonus in Dec, it never occurred to H to give me money to buy presents. As a SAHM. All presents went on my store cards.
Funny enough, I havent bought H a present. Well I got a massage voucher, but I guess that's all mine now!!

he is now sending really sad messages
it's really doing my head in.

OP posts:
Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 12:33

oh i love wrapping the presents
we(my family) do it on Christmas Eve with a glass of bubbles or 2.
Actually it gets really tedious if you have loads of pressies, but it's usually fun

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 12:37

Either ignore his texts or send one back saying - I don't care how you feel now, you should have thought about that before sticking your dick into someone else and cosying up with HER.

Is DS with you? If he is you could turn your phone off.

Yeah, that's my plan for the presents, but tonight not Christmas eve, white wine & bubbles in the fridge, red & mulled on the side - I can choose which later :)

ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 12:39

Just going to have a bit of dust, hover quickly, then have a shower, after that I'm off out to hopefully get the last few presents and visit some friends - then back home to wrap :)

Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 14:47

not sure if you are mixing me up with someone else chippingin. there is no OW. he has probably been unfaithful, but I have no proof of actual infidelity and there is no affair as such.
i did say he was a liar and a cheat on one of the threads. He is.
last week I found some sex text message to some stripper.
they had a clients lunch and it seems it all turned into some debauched affair with strippers. He told me about the strippers, but not how he got this girl's number.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 15:42

DoMeAFavour - sorry, I thought that a while ago you had actually caught him out? NO? Well, probably best not to say that then! But no, I'm not mixing you up with someone else, just remembering the outcome of one of your threads a bit wrong. Sorry.

Well, I have had a bit of a dust/hoover/tidy & a shower and now 2 hours later than planned I'm off out. My major mistake was calling a friend about our plans tomorrow night, I should have sent her a text - I know she is incapable of a quick chat - one hour later.... LOL

Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 16:23

you know what, it would be easier if I had found him out.
He just sent me an email "do you still love me, yes or no"

bollocks
going to talk tonight. not looking forward to it

OP posts:
mamas12 · 22/12/2010 16:28

Dome you don't HAVE to talk, you don't have to do anything.
I would bpack up everything and leave to go to your parents now.
He will go on and on and on and then make out you are the baddie in all this.
I know I and many more on here have been there.

Go to your lovely parents and have a lovely xmas and tell him you have nothing else to say to him until it goes legal.
Honestly, don't put yourself through thisat.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2010 16:39

dome...you have said all that needs to be said, yes ?

he is just trying to put the screws on you

tell him you don't want to have a talk, but that you are going to tell him what is happening

this xmas as previously planned you are going to your folks with ds

any future arrangements will be discussed through the solicitor, and as and when they arise

you do not have to talk to him any more

please be careful, the more you listen to him, the more he will convince you that your arse is your elbow

before you know it, he will have got you back under his will

fuck that

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2010 16:40

btw, the stripper thing is totally fucking out of order

tell him to spend xmas day with his new girlfriend

Katisha · 22/12/2010 16:43

And anyway, the answer is no, is it not? Has been for a long time?

Original poster
domeafavour · 22/12/2010 16:53

thing is, as far as he thinks, I have made this decision for us to divorce because things haven't been good, and we had a huge row the other night, which we have had plenty before and had the same kind of fall out.
He doesn't think it's because I think he is a mean, nasty horrible person and I don't love him anymore. He can't see how awful he is.
He is a bit delusional

I knew you'd like the stripper story AF,that was the trigger last week which I couldn't bring myself to write about. It's worse, he sent photos to his mates, who then told him to make sure he changed his password on his phone.

anyway,gotta go.
Don't worry, I'm not giving in to him, it's just hard, it's gonna be a big struggle, but I can do it.
And hopefully you can all help me get through it when I am crying and whingeing about what a bastard he is.

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