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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is in pieces, didn't expect that reaction

128 replies

domeafavour · 21/12/2010 02:12

Just one of the threads here
solicitor cancelled today and friends cancelled on sat night, so was actually going to try to get through Christmas, but just had huge row and I told him I had had enough.
He knows I mean it and is now begging, saying he will do anything.
I think he is only saying it because he has realised he will lose his son, but he is broken.
I know there is no good time for these things, but he has seriously had a shit week.
Talking about staying at home alone for Xmas and skyping ds when we are at my parents. Sad

help me be strong and stick to my guns. My resolve is weakening.
I know this is manipulation but it's working.
I'm so tired.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 24/12/2010 10:45

... or even a lovely one :) Were there enough lovelies in there, even the incorectly spelt lovely.... lovely.

ChippingIn · 24/12/2010 10:46

incorrectly .....

spell.....

... oh I give up... off to find the lemsip!

Original poster
domeafavour · 28/12/2010 10:32

Well now he says he's not leaving.
Don't know who he has been talking to. But he still wants me back.
He has told a few of our friends, but his version of the truth is not quite right to say the least. I don't want to get into " I didn't say that" with them, am just going to leave it, they can make up their own minds, but he is lying to gain sympathy in a very subtle way.
I don't want to go back, I hate him, I hate my job.
I want to stay here in the comfort of my lovely family.

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 28/12/2010 11:17

Can you just stay where you are then, is that possible?

Original poster
domeafavour · 28/12/2010 12:04

I need to go back to work next week, I need this job more than ever now. I'm staying for a couple more days, but he was supposed to be gone by the time I got back.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/12/2010 12:22

ohhh, so sorry

no great surprise though that he will now refuse to leave, and rewtite the history of the situation

he is certainly following a (abusing) script

you are right to not respond to what he is telling friends...it just becomes a more public argument and tbh, if I were one of your friends I would have had him sussed as a bullying arsehole a long time ago, so I wouldn't worry too much about that

am not sure what else to say except enjoy your last couple of days with family, hen get straight on to the solicitor on your arrival home

I wouldn't even discuss any more with him, he is obviously going to make it as difficult as he can

mdavza · 28/12/2010 13:03

He sounds really dangerous. Get out while you can.
But good luck to you, I can't imagine how hard this must be.

Original poster
domeafavour · 28/12/2010 16:19

Yeah I have my rearranged appt with solicitor next week. I do worry about our friends, some of them think he is wonderful, but I think some of the girls wonder how the hell I live with him. The only person who has really seen it is his mum!
Mdavza do you really think he sounds dangerous?
He is horrible but I've never been scared.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/12/2010 17:16

our friends don't have to live with him

I expect Ted Bundy seemed nice to his friends...

AnyFucker · 28/12/2010 17:18

your friends, sorry, my keyboard is fecked

Original poster
domeafavour · 28/12/2010 22:36

This is really hard. Sorry for whingeing. I don't even have anything constructive to talk about.
He's just a wanker.
Hopefully seeing some friends tomorrow. Will be tough to break it to them, they think we live a charmed life, but it will be good to talk.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/12/2010 22:40

< hug >

keep talking to your friends, and on here

and yes, he is a wanker, and has been for a very long time

ChippingIn · 29/12/2010 01:51

He is a wanker - there's no doubt about it. Be straight with your friends. A break up sorts out the wheat from the chaff with friends anyway :)

As for him not moving out - I'm not actually sure what you can do to make him move out, but ringing the CAB, Womens Aid etc is a good start, then your appt with the Sol - there will be a way.

Stay strong though wont you, don't let him brow beat you into backing down for an easy life... because you know it wouldn't be 'an easy life'!

You don't need to say anything different/specific on this thread - just say how you are feeling/what he's saying - anything you like, it's not whinging, it's venting/sharing and it's just fine to do that OK x

mdavza · 29/12/2010 12:38

Hi Dome, how are you? Just reading through your thread, he just seems so unreasonable and totally incapable of making rationsal connections - yeah, he seems dangerous. But good to know you've never been scared. Just an opinion, really, trust your instincts!
And your family, are they supporting you> You're really going to need them now.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2010 12:40

I think his self-delusion is scarily efficient, tbh

that is not OP's problem though

BreakFree · 29/12/2010 16:52

Hi Dome I have just read through your thread and I wanted to say that you are an inspiration to me as I am going through very similar to you at the moment(bar the stripper thing!)
My (x) P is not getting the message that its finished either and keeps trying it on with me. He is verbally and mentally abusive, has occasionally been physically violent eg pushing me, slapping me, holding me down threatening or intimidating me.
When I first told him I wanted to split and wanted to spend Christmas with my parents he said in a fit of rage that he would murder me if I took the children away from him.
On Christmas Day after another row I said I was going to go to my parents and he told me he would knock me out if I went to leave with my DCS. After both occasions he denied saying those things or that I "took him up wrong"
Also said that he would tell everyone what a b I am and then informed me, wait till my family hears this implying that I would get hell from them.
Last night I came back from a friends house and he firstly asked me did I still love him to which I replied no, and then he pulled out the "will you marry me" card. What a load of bollocks. I obviously said Er No! and then he said "Lucky I didn't buy you a ring"
He refuses to leave the home as well. Though he sways from claiming he cant afford it to claiming its his entitlement to live here in this house even though I pay the rent. He has no job and hasn't worked for 3 years due to a work accident.

Its so awful I feel for you and I understand where you are coming from.
My x is now trying the charm this afternoon by offering me cups of tea and being so niceynice. I'm just not interested though.In my mind its over already, no excuses. I have confided in family and friends of what I have been going through and if I could just get rid of him I know myself and my DCs could have a calmer life. Although I am still worrying how I will cope with two young DCs (one with SN) on my own. Confused

Is he still living in the house now?

FrostyAndSlippery · 29/12/2010 16:56

Sorry he's making it so difficult for you. :(

Original poster
domeafavour · 29/12/2010 18:59

Yeah, he's in the house. I'm at my parents. He's not being nasty saying he won't move out, he just thinks we can make it work and he says he will try and change, yeah yeah. He's actually taken the day off today cos he has the flu. He us the worlds worst patient, so glad I'm out of it!!
I'm ok, I didn't really expect it to go smoothly, was surprised when he was being amenable.
Breakfree, that sounds very similar to my h, he has said all those type of things before.
Will write more, just trying to feed 3 hyperactive children!!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 00:22

Try to enjoy the time at your parents and ignore lots of his communitcation. If you do reply, basically just say 'It is over. I will be home on x and would appreciate you having moved out by then as we agreed'.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 30/12/2010 00:32

Hi dome

It strikes me that the fact that your H has been such a pig and given you real reason to split up is a help now that he is trying to rewrite history. When he is ladling on the charm and trying to convince you that as all your friends think he is lovely you must be deluded to want to part with him, you can go back and revisit those occasions when he has behaved abusively. You know you are not imagining it and you are right to split up.

You don't need to convince a jury of friends that your marriage is over or provide evidence. You just have to say to yourself quietly "I don't want to live with him any more". No reason or justification is needed.

I am in the same situation but my H refused to leave so I moved out. He is still struggling to believe I meant it when he is such a caring husband and good father.

Original poster
domeafavour · 02/01/2011 01:06

I think he is full of shit. I think I need to give up trying to figure out what he is thinking. He is quite mad.
I am home now, brought my sis with me for support. Ds didn't ask for him or mention him once while we were away. But was quite happy to see him. He's still saying he is not going, we can sort it out. I can't wait to get to solicitor on Thursday. Just watched this very disturbing episode of the accused, where the H wants custody and sets up the wife, hope he didn't see it.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/01/2011 01:58

Just found this thread - it would be worth checking through all your family financial papers and through your home computer if there is one, in case he tried anything funny with the money or with your internet privacy while you were away. I don't want to add to your worries but while he is acting deranged, none of it is random; it's all in the service of his aim of not letting you dictate to him (he doesn't give a fig about the relationship or about his DS, all he wants is to 'win' here).

Original poster
domeafavour · 04/01/2011 19:09

He's still here, but my sister is now in hospital with pnemonia!! She's on the mend fortunately. But my mum has come down so the atmosphere is not good, very civil but strained to say the least! Fortunately he is just staying out of the way now. But on Sunday the drama when he had to put ds to bed, and i asked him to put a few toiletries in a bag for my sis. He cannot cope. All hell broke loose. Yet he thought he had done really well! And on nye after I had done the long drive from parents, he kept going on about cooking me a nice dinner. Well he couldn't even set the table, and he couldn't even wait for me. I ate off my knee by myself, yet he says that he tried!! Just more evidence that tells me to stick to my guns. Just ranting now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 19:12

rant away...

keep focussed though

Katisha · 05/01/2011 10:04

He is throwing you scraps and expecting you to think he is a chamged man.
Well he is quite probably convincing himself...

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