HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Thanks to you all. I really do need a stern talking to and I do appreciate it.

I don't want him back ftr definately not.

I couldn't have him here with the DCs the way he is behaving atm.

He is a mess, a complete total mess BUT he is still the DC's dad.

AF: I know you are right. The truth hurts. I am trying so hard to close that door - H is making it easier for me to do this as every day passes. I wouldn't have him back you know. If he knocked on my door tonight I wouldnt let him in.

KETTLECRISPS: You are probably right. Its hard to know how much you are controlled when you have only known one man - until that man is not there anymore. There is so much I need to think about regarding your comments. Thank you x

When my dad left, I still saw him. didn't actually speak to him for a while, but I went out with my sister to see him.

I don't agree with what he did. I don't have much respect for him, all things considered, but I do have contact with him.

Mind you, we got an anonymous phone call to the house that put us ALL out of our misery. My mum wasn't even in, only his mum, and my sister and I. Nice.

He's not a mess, that is what he is telling you to get you to do what he wants!

If he drops the dicking about shit, he can BE the DC dad, but not when he's so apparently unhinged like this.

Solst, your motives for not telling the children were exactly the right ones. But you've been describing the impact it's having, especially on the little ones. I guess everything is coming to a head as Christmas does tend to magnify things.

OH is frightened of facing up to their distress, anger and disgust, but that is the reality of what he's done - hard cheese.

I found out about my father's affair by a overhearing my mother talking to my gt aunt on the phone, shocked for sure, and then talked just to her so I knew how she felt/what was going on. She was honest. It also gave me time to prepare what to say to my father when he came home. Your children might appreciate that time, to collect their thoughts before they see him.

I haven't posted but been following this. My DH made lots of similar threats when I left him. Suicide, moving away, not seeing DCs etc. Actually managed to break a limb during breakdown!

They are empty threats, believe me. It is all about control, which I think has been much more of an issue than you have realised throughout your relationship.

I stopped contact, saw a lawyer and got on with it. It was hellish but ten years on we are all in a much better place. He sees DCs regularly and our relationship is amicable. I have a wonderful DP who enhances our lives.

Your children suspect, if they don't already know what is going on. The uncertainty is much much worse than the reality. You need to tell them the truth. It is a marriage ending, not the end of the world.

On the other hand if you still want him back, you should at least be honest about it. For what it is worth I think that you will all be so much happier if you don't

That's interesting solo. It just struck me that to know someone was capable of such temper but sure they wouldn't use it on you was actually quite a revealing comment. Sounds like a good way to get what you want and control people.

It sounded like you're aware of things about him you haven't wanted to see previously. When I say you have got a lot of waking up to do I don't mean it is critically. The way to control people is to not let know they are being controlled. Otherwise it doesn't work - and that's when controlling people lose their patience.

I also agree that I wouldn't have told the children straight away after he left. It was right to leave a bit of breathing time for things to settle so that you would be able to cope with the fall out from it all. Really it was time for you to tell them a few weeks ago now but that time has come and gone as you didn't believe him capable of creating more mayhem.

It is utterly selfish of him to think they should have been told when he said so back whenever. It's you coping with the rug being pulled from under you by him leaving. You'd have been the one picking up the pieces with the children. You choose when they are told.

Sorry I missed this tonight; I was on an errand of mercy .

Solost he is bluffing. He is following the script I predicted he would when I suggested a few weeks ago that you set a date of December 17th to tell the DCs. Re-read your old thread. I told you then he would get nasty, either with you, OW or both of you. I cut him some slack then and foretold that he might start threatening you about finances (which will come soon enough) but he has surpassed himself with this stunt.

Like I said last night, I don't doubt that the closer it came to having to look less than perfect to his DCs, the more reality intruded, but in a nutshell, he would stop at very little to get out of having to face the consequences of this.

What's the worst you fear? That he will end his own life? That risk is infinitesimal, I assure you, but if he does, it will NOT be your responsibility. Just make sure he doesn't have unsupervised access to your DCs until he can show you copies of a mental health assessment.

Now to tomorrow. Press ahead and don't delay. Tell the DCs as early in the day as you can. State the facts first of all, but be very clear and don't use euphemisms. Start by telling them that both you and Daddy are safe and well but that you've got something to tell them that might upset them. Tell them that their Dad left you in August to live with another woman and that he had been having a secret relationship with this person for some time before that. Remember to tell them that she is childless.

Apologise for not telling them the truth before, but explain why and be honest. Tell them that you would have preferred to have told them with their Dad at the start of the hols, but that snow and Dad not being able to come put paid to that.

Having given the brief facts, open it up to their questions. Pay close attention to the one(s) who ask the least questions. I think you said your oldest is a boy and he might ask the least and want some time on his own afterwards. Give him that space, but after a short while, go and see him on his own and gently ask a few "open questions"; those that start with "tell me..." "What" "How" "Why".

Tell them all you will be honest in your replies and that you'd rather know what was on their minds. Reassure them throughout that you will always be there for them and don't be afraid of disclosing that this has made you very sad too.

I am so sorry you have been frightened today and that his poor parents have been through the mill too. Since we've only ever had his word for the dramatics that have allegedly been happening at his new home, unless BB verifies any of this, I would believe nothing that comes out of his mouth.

Solost - if exH is mentally losing it here then all the more reason for the truth to be out. He is illogically building up the DC knowing as a complete catastrophe. If you are worried about the effect on him, in the long run it will be better once it's done. How many DC, especially ones as young as yours, reject their parent forever over a divorce? Very few. He's building up his fear and by facing the fear, he can move on.

Your oldest has surely talked about this at school, probably middle DD too. Many will already have parents who are separated. The story of him working away and popping back every now and then but not sleeping there really doesn't wash and you are insulting your DCs' intelligence by expecting them to believe it. They will be relieved to know the truth.

You did the right thing talking to the PIL, they can be there for him and find out if it is true that he smashed up BB's flat. If it's true and she hasn't kicked him out, she must be a desperate woman. I think it sounds like a good idea for them to be there when you tell DC too. That way they can reinforce that they are still loved by both sides and you have witnesses that you have not blackened ex's name. You will also receive their support so hopefully feel less alone in the task.

Wishing you all the best.

Solost - you have had a shock tonight and it has knocked you endwards.
I hope you are sleeping now and will read this in the morning - and I hope you will feel and strong - ready to tell the DC.

Perhaps just after breakfast or lunch - before they scatter to do their "thing" - just tell them mummy needs to talk to them about Daddy and why he doesn't live in your house any more. Then tell them why. Include BB but obviously try and stay neutral when talking about her.

If you need your PILs to be there, I'm sure they would get there, if not immediately then sometime in the afternoon. However - I think if you can manage it on your own, it might be better for the DC - better in terms of seeing you being so strong for them.

Remember it is them you are doing this for - for their mental wellbeing and future health. Tell them as well that Christmas Day will be a bit different than was planned a while back because the situation has changed.

You CAN do this because you MUST. If they needed a tooth out, you'd get it done, wouldn't you? They'd hate it and it would hurt, but you'd still do it before the tooth caused more longterm damage - this is very similar. You are a Strong Woman and you can do this for your DC.

Switch your mobile phone OFF. Unplug the house phone from the wall or set it to silent. HAVE ZERO CONTACT WITH YOUR H.

He is running sooooo scared, his tactics have been despicable and vile so far, stay well clear of him.

As I said before, cancel Christmas at the restaurant; and I would be asking the PILs to look after your DC on Boxing Day regardless - I wouldn't trust him alone with them, especially in light of his suddent "mental health" ishoos.

Solost - my goodness - he is really playing with you. He is using every ounce of your good nature to keep his lie going and making you feel like utter shit while he is doing it. Not content with leaving you, he has to make you suffer even more. Grrrr makes me angry for you.

Please do not think you are letting anyone here down. At no time must you think that. The posts here are to give you some independent comments, not a timetable for how you behave. It must be unnerving that so many of them are accurate and you must try and take as much on board as you can before making decisions.

Reading the latest pages make me think even more that he is playing this for all it is worth. OK, he might be feeling the stress of the situation, but saying that he doesn't want to ruin the children's view of him - he did that in August when he walked out. Their Daddy left the building AGES ago. . He can't get that back now. Ever.

I can see that Christmas is putting unnatural deadlines and pressure on everyone, but it is really just a diversion tactic with him. Focus on your DCs. If he is ill, he needs to see a Doctor and I would like to repeat that your DCs deserve to know the truth. They are witnessing this and need to know for their own mental health, even if they are very young.

So sorry that you are going throuigh this. Stay strong.

Solost - my goodness - he is really playing with you. He is using every ounce of your good nature to keep his lie going and making you feel like utter shit while he is doing it. Not content with leaving you, he has to make you suffer even more. Grrrr makes me angry for you.

Please do not think you are letting anyone here down. At no time must you think that. The posts here are to give you some independent comments, not a timetable for how you behave. It must be unnerving that so many of them are accurate and you must try and take as much on board as you can before making decisions.

Reading the latest pages make me think even more that he is playing this for all it is worth. OK, he might be feeling the stress of the situation, but saying that he doesn't want to ruin the children's view of him - he did that in August when he walked out. Their Daddy left the building AGES ago. . He can't get that back now. Ever.

I can see that Christmas is putting unnatural deadlines and pressure on everyone, but it is really just a diversion tactic with him. Focus on your DCs. If he is ill, he needs to see a Doctor and I would like to repeat that your DCs deserve to know the truth. They are witnessing this and need to know for their own mental health, even if they are very young.

So sorry that you are going throuigh this. Stay strong.

Morning Solost I understand more now I had been wondering what you had been saying to your dc to explain where he was. I am amazed you have been able to keep this up so long and I agree with what lots have said that it seems unlikely your dc will not at some level know they arent hearing the truth.

I empathise with how until recently you intended to wait until the New Year to tell to give them a last family christmas. I doubt you remember but I posted ages ago about how in a different set of circumstances I was keeping the knowledge that my xh was moving out in the new year a secret. He decided to move out around the end of November and we agreed it would be better to leave it a month.

During that month I agonised about how my dc would cope , how they would be in pieces that their Dad was moving out etc etc. It was the pits.

In the event an ow came into the mix and it all came out Christmas Eve and all my plans of how to tell them etc went out the window. In spite of this they took it very well and were more or less fine.

We both went to great lengths to immediately put in place access arrangements and show them how life would be run and how they would still see their dad all the time etc.

In my rather long winded way what I am trying to say is dont get over embroiled in the actual telling Solost what is going to affect them far more is how you go on from here. Of course its really important that you choose your words with care etc but dont put too much pressure on yourself about this.

Regarding your h and his behaviour ? Dont worry about his stupid threats about not seeing the dc its just attention seeking controlling nonsense. Also worry about Boxing Day nearer the time , one thing I know from my experiences this time last year is one day can seem like a lifetime when there is so much going on and you just go one day at a time.

Finally no doubt I will get flamed for this but if you decide you want to wait until after Christmas to tell your dc then do that. Just make sure that the decision is because you feel its not the right time having kept quiet all these months that you may as well wait.

If it was me I would tell them today and make this christmas the one that is a new start for you and your dc - the shape of things to come. You have a few days for them to recover although I would bet a great deal that they will be fine. Then you are ready in 9 days time to begin a new year free of lies and subterfuge and hopefully free of a man who however much is suffering in the grip of his MLC has behaved atrociously.

Good Luck Solost although if you can see what we can see ie just how strong you are you dont need it

Solo I think that you have certain priorities here -

You CANNOT let him have the children on Boxing Day. Either you take the day off work (compassionate leave?) or you ask someone else to have them and MAKE SURE that the 'someone else' is fully aware that H must not be left alone with them or take them anywhere if he should show up. I think that this is your number 1 priority - their physical safety is at risk, whether he is having a breakdown or attention seeking. The end result has been the same, he has used violence to display it. You simply cannot know whether he would be violent towards you are them.

If he still has a key to your house, at the very least get some bolts on the doors - today - for your safety. Could FIL do it if you can't?

You really must tell the children today. If he is having a breakdown, they will need some kind of plausible explanation as to why he is being kept away from them, and you cannot allow the lies to keep stacking up in this way. If he isn't having a breakdown, they still need to know anyway, as they are obviously suffering and distressed.

Ensure that on Xmas day, you are not alone with him and that the children are not alone with him. He is clearly unstable and you and they are potentially at risk.

Remember, he has made his choices, and he continues to make them. If life is so bad with BB, he could choose to leave. If he wants to return to you/the children, he could choose to have that discussion with you, regardless of what you might say in those circumstances.

As long term lurker not posted before.

But do you think that he just hurt himself while drunk. As you have mentioned before both him and BB have been drinking alot.

I also think that there would be no reason for BB not to contact the police if he realy trashed her house.

Please tell your dc about whats happening. I also think you should forget about going out for dinner on christmas day with him.

I agree that he does not look after your children alone at all untill this is sorted out.

Look after yourself and dc.

Some of the posts in here remind me why I don't often let people know that I had my own MH issues about 12 years ago. My issues surrounded perfectionism and failure etc.

I'm slightly disgusted at some of the misconceptions that people are coming out with here.

FFS you can't 'fake' walking out your job of 19 years. You can't 'fake' walking out on life long friends. Whatever way you look at it, he is going through mental anguish. I really identify with how he has handles things - so please do not tell me that becuase I don't fit in with conventional expectations of a breakdown that I did not suffer. (Nothing to do with infidelity btw)

As I said in previous posts regardless of this do tell the DC, this is the right time for them. Regardless of H protestations. It is right for them - he will see that one day.

Also remember he had the opportunity to tell ds at his football game, and afterward he said he didn't think he wanted to. He choose not to tell them also Solost it's not just you. Please don't take any blame here.

I would love to support the group that say he is not your concern, and be so blase that ohhh the worst he can do is kill himself.

Arrgggghhhh. He is there dad, and his main point of contact the person that probably knows him better than his parents is is wife of 17 odd years. He's been a shit - a complete shit. But that doesn't exclude you from compassion.

I think there is far too much hiding behind 'whats best for the children' by posters when actually it's more about punishing him.

The kids need a dad that is 1. Alive! - and 2. In a better place mentally.

And just to really cause absoloute mayhem. I do think there is a road back. I do think this will be the eruption that causes all the painful out pour. But from there he will start to heal.

If my parents had not had the faith in me,that I would recover and how out of character I was, and how I was in self destruct and how much my perception had changed, I would be living a shitty life.

I don't know what else I want to say. This has really upset me, it has brought up lots of old memories of frustration and people 'just not getting it'. I often felt it would of been easier if I could say I had a tumor or something physical that people could see as a tangible thing that made me go 'loopy'

Please keep an open mind Solost. Keep your own MH safe, keep your kids safe. But please keep an open mind. Not hope for the man he used to be returning, but just an open mind. Not so it intereferes with your recovery.

Just another point - get PIL to call BB to check about flat. If he did not smash her flat - then I'll be at the head of the pile to smash him in the nuts.

I know I'm not fitting in with a lot of people here. But I've been the one making stupid reckless decisions for no attainable reason. And then out of my 1 year fog, i've spent the other 31 as i was. I am happy, I have a lovely life.

Good luck for today. I hope I havn't caused you more anguish by my point of view.

H&C - sorry to hear that you have had problems of your own and that you had trouble with other people understanding.

I don't believe anyone here has been blasé about the idea that Solost's H would kill himself - it hasn't even been mentioned by him. Some other poster had a H who threatened it.

It is possible that Solost's H is having a breakdown - but it is equally possible that he is lying through his teeth to prevent her from telling the DC.

At this stage, our thoughts ARE concentrating on the DC because they are innocent and vulnerable, and they need to know the situation. Once they have been told, THEN Solost can maybe worry more about their father - but at THIS MOMENT it is more important to focus on what is right for the DC.

Solost has done the right thing - she has alerted her PILs. They are the ones who have the responsibility of care for their son. Beyond that, at the moment, she needs to leave him to his own devices and look after herself and her DC. Otherwise she will end up in knots again!

Thank you all for your comments.

I have just had a call from H. He told me he is not seeing the DC's til after Xmas now, I asked him what do I tell them when he's not there over Christmas, he said tell them anything, tell them everything. He told me he would 'check his diary' and let me know when he was coming over next that he was sick of ME?? being in control, then he put the phone down. Tried to call back to clarify but he's switched off.

What am I going to tell them about Xmas now? He's coming?/he's not? - how do I explain that to them? I told him I thought he was dispicable using the DC's to hurt me but nothing seems to touch him anymore - the 'real' H seems to have 'left the building' for good.

Going to tell DC's now - wish me luck.

Thank you all for your support - I REALLY appreciate it. x

Tell them he's not coming for Christmas. It's the most likely scenario, because he has probably caved into BB's demands that he spend the time with her.

I am so so so :( for you that he has dumped this on you - what a shit.

I think you will be fine explaining that he has a new womanfriend now, and that he is living with her, but still loves the DC very much; but I can't imagine how you are going to explain his lack of presence at Christmas. :( and

Good luck, with you as the fantastic, loving Mum that you are, they will be absolutely fine in the long run xxxxx

Sorry, he really is a first class shitbag pile of wank and I am utterly FURIOUS on your behalf. Fucker.

Thanks Thumb. Sorry that was a bit of a rant. I didn't mean to be so brisk. Obviously touched a nerve.

Solost I'm really sorry for you. That is a really shitty shitty thing.

I'm not sure how you should handle this. I will have a think.

Sending you positivity and strength for your task - you WILL cope, you WILL be wonderfully strong and your DC WILL be better for knowing the truth. Hope you can plan to do something nice this afternoon to help them think about other things if they want to.

(((Hugs))) to all of you. x

Solost - I am sorry he has, YET AGAIN, run away from his responsibilities, and put them all on you - even getting out of being a man and facing his dc.

Coward.

Thank goodness they have a mother like you.

He is off with the OW to hers for Christmas as she wanted all along isn't he?

Of course he is sick of you being in control.

What he means is he is sick of you standing up to him, making your children a priority and putting them first.

Not hanging around hoping he will come back to you like the whipped puppy he expected/wanted. He has lost that control over you and really doesn't like it.

Shows you just how much he is still not putting the children first. He can't be bothered to be there for them at Christmas now.

He knows that you are not backing down and so he is hurting the children deliberately - to hurt you. He knows this is his best method of hurting you.

Good luck with telling them. You are a very brave strong lady even if you do not feel like it. They are very lucky children to have you for a mummy.

Hi, I've not posted before but I have been following your story.

Just wanted to wish you luck with telling the kids.

I'd take H at his word- he won't be coming for Christmas- and make the best of it with the kids.