HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Well done Solo! You are rounding a corner.

Sure you may have some wobbles, but try and hold onto this feeling of calm, this feeling of regained control, because it is precisely these strong feelings that will carry you through those wobbles.

I am so proud of you Solo, I am so proud to be a witness to your growth and strength!

Hey Solo!

Great to see you back and sounding so positive and "together". I'm glad DD's concert was such a great experiene with no traumas's for you or her. And I am really glad H is playing fair with the DC's and hopefully putting their feelings first.

Well done you xxx

There is life after marriage! Being alone doesn't have to mean lonely and your children will mean that you never are. It is better to have some peace of mind and contentment (yes it will come!) than being with the wrong person. A couple of people gave me some advice when I found myself single again. 1) Live as well as you can. Concentrate on the positives in your life and don't let bitterness pervade. 2) Never refuse an invitation! Doesn't matter whether it's an offer of a coffee or a night out, or just a chat, go with it - as long as trust the invitee, of course. Wish you all the luck with your new life.

Welcome back to t'internet (and MN, of course)!

That behaviour (from him) is much more like it, and it's really good to hear about. You made him do that, you know! Just as you made us all hang about waiting for you online.

You've done really well to strengthen your centre, and it can be felt. It should make your children feel more secure, too. After all, if it is clear you can get what you want openly (asking for what you want, organising for things to happen), there is no reason for you to try to escape (since all you would have to do is say "no").

Also, if you show you know your worth, your good opinion and love and care for your children will be that much more valuable to them.

Finally, if they see you asserting your authority for them as much as for yourself, they will know that you are not spending your will just for yourself, but that you are sharing your strength with them. This shows that you really identify with their interests and won't let them down (even though it's a pain to go to bed on time, not be allowed tattoos, etc.).

Welcome back! Nice to hear from you. I'm glad that the concert went well for DD and that H is starting to get his priorities straight.

:)

Was the ride to the concert with H ok?

Fantastic update Solost, well done you :)

Lovely to see you in such a great place Solost and I second Mummymunters advice

Delighted to hear that all went well, and that your H has remembered how to behave like a human being.

It was good that you got legal advice so you know where you stand. Nobody will be able to bullshit you now.

Yay! Glad it all went ok, weird or not, and that your H has remembered he is a human being with children and responsibilities for now. I hope he keeps that up when BB gets back from her trip overseas.

GOod news re. the solicitor - sounds like she has given you all the options that you might need - just remember as well that even though he is currently more than meeting his "obligations" to you, he could change that at any moment - I'm not saying he will, just that he could and it's a contingency that you need to keep in the back of your mind.

Am also very pleased to see that you are doing so well in the general scheme of things - long may it continue! Remember we're here if you have a down day again though; or even if you have an up day! Let's hope the latter are starting to outweigh the former.

Have a !

THUMBDABWITCH: Thanks! BB didnt take the overseas trip apparently! So hopefully this new attitude will continue.

I agree completely with your comments regarding his financial commitments to us - he told me that BB is going ahead with buying her 4 bed house BUT that he is not involved in the financial side and that he will continue to pay the mortgage. He gave me his word?? on this and told me he always keeps his promises (I couldnt resist mentioning his marriage vows when he told me this!) but I think he really means it (at the moment). I am aware though that this could change at any time and am now fully prepared for this.

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: You are right, and I do feel in a much better position now I have seen the solicitor. In fact, I don't really know why I was worried about it now!

GETTINGEASIER & ROBBERBUTTON: Thank you x

STAREXPAT: The journey down there was OK, weird but OK. We talked, mainly about the DC's but I did ask him some questions about the affair (couldnt resist I suppose). There were some things I needed to know about the timings etc, I think I needed to do this to get some kind of closure on that part of my life, it was quite therapeutic really. H answered my questions honestly, some of his answers hurt but again I needed to know. And what I got out of it was this: I always felt before that I wasn't good enough in the end for H, that he had found someone better but now I feel that I (and the DC's) were TOO GOOD for him and that basically its his loss!! Hope that makes sense?

PLUPERVERT: Thank you. I see exactly what you mean and I DO feel stronger now.

MUMMYMUNTER: Thanks for your advice. You are right, I don't feel lonely at all any more. I used to, once the DC's were in bed but I enjoy watching what I want on TV, reading, being on MN! or doing what the hell I want! In fact I was thinking the other day, I feel less lonely now than I did towards the end when H still lived here. I remember us both sitting on separate sofa's, not speaking, feeling v.lonely back then!

I do need to get out more though and will take your advice about accepting all invitations. I think because I am so used to being here for the DC's and only really going out occasionally I need to change my mindset into 'single person' and get out there!

FANTUS, LMHF, SCAREDOFCOWS: Thank you X. Have really missed your wise opinions!

"I always felt before that I wasn't good enough in the end for H, that he had found someone better but now I feel that I (and the DC's) were TOO GOOD for him and that basically its his loss!! "

Reading that has put a huge smile on my face. It is so good to hear you say what everyone else has been telling you. It sounds like you have come on leaps and bounds in the last couple of weeks and I am so very very pleased for you, well done xxx

You are a fantastic woman. Truly inspirational. Your children are so very lucky. How are they by the way? X

I always felt before that I wasn't good enough in the end for H, that he had found someone better but now I feel that I (and the DC's) were TOO GOOD for him and that basically its his loss!! Hope that makes sense?

How wonderful it is to see you type those words

It makes perfect sense

Ahhhhh - Solost has Got It! Well done, you are making such fantastic progress and am very pleased to hear that you are starting to revel in your evening time when you get to do Exactly What YOU Want.

So she didn't go abroad after all.. couldn't trust him to behave while she was away, hmm? [heh]

FANTUS: Thank you x

DONTDISS: Thanks x. The DC's seem to be doing OK. There were a couple of issues when DD went away - it seems that although they all fight like cats and dogs when together, they don't like being apart! Littlest DD asked last night when H went, where he was going, I told her and she said 'why? they are not even married!!, when are they going to get married?!'. I had to smile and told her to ask her Daddy when he rang!.

AF: Thank you. It means a lot coming from you. X

THUMBDABWITCH: No, she cancelled the trip apparently. She spent the evening texting H random questions about various surveys she needed to get for her property sale. I just kept telling him to go and ring her as it was obviously important and imperative that they spoke! I just thought, thank god its not me - that I didnt have to text or contact anyone - no-one was keeping tabs on me, that I could do what the hell I wanted to! - Being single is sometimes underrated!

Hello Solost!

Long long time no mumsnet. It's been so long since I posted you've forgotten who I am I'm sure! (not really a very regular regular at all ). I just wanted to say I've been thinking of you and your DC a lot since last posting and have just caught up on your thread - it's great to see that despite many ups and downs you are, basically, moving onward and upwards like blazes! Being so strong for so long is a real achievement, you should feel immensely proud of your strength in all this - I take my hat off to you!

Great about the solicitor. Hmm, a difficult one - I can see the logic that if he is paying more than a court would order right now, why rock the boat. However, the very length of this thread and the events within it demonstrate just how right you are to remember that you can't trust a word he says, and things could change in an instant. So if there is one piece of advice I would give now, when things seem to be settling more, it would be to REALLY think through what you'd do if (when!) things start to change, and he looks to either start divorce proceedings OR cut his payments. Please think through the ramifications for you of either of these changes, and have a financial as well as an emotional strategy in place.

Finally I second all those who have homed in on your comment - yes, he just wasn't good enough for either you or your lovely children, sadly. Not a great enough person to know the real value of staying faithful to what's important in life. Silly, weak, self-deluding man. What shines out from your writing on your threads is that you are a fab, fab person...loyal, thoughtful, interesting, fun - worth so much more than settling for a 'partner' like your H. I have no doubt that you will one day meet someone who DOES deserve you. I hope I'm wearing earplugs on that day as the sound of your voice going 'AHH, NOW I SEE!' will be echoing across the whole of Yorkshire

Hope things continue to improve for both you and the children :)

Hello again Solost.

I just thought I would chip in a bit about the financial side of things.

My xh left last christmas and he too has paid generously in order to continue my SAHM stuff and our expensive lifestyle.

6 months after leaving we began negociating an agreement which we signed yesterday. This has been fair on us both and I am happy with my deal as all good things must come to an end and my dc are 11 and 14 and so I accept I must go back to work.

The thing is in the 13 months from him walking out the door to signing yesterday very gradually his attitude changed and luckily we agreed on amounts of money quite quickly and the time has been spent on minor changes. Were we to be starting from scratch from now I wonder how he would be now...

So what I am saying is why not think about agreeing terms officially while he is being generous rather than waiting until his frame of mind changes because sadly it probably will

Oh and I agree its not all bad being single

THEBEEFYDWT: Not forgotten you at all! Thanks so much for your post. I agree I need to be ready for when things change - I'm sure they will at some point and now I know where I stand financially I will be ready. Regarding the divorce issue, I have asked H if he wants a divorce and he said no, not at the moment - again this could change but he did say he couldnt see himself ever getting married again .

GETTINGEASIER: Thanks for your advice. When you were negotiating your agreement, did you do it through a solicitor or between yourselves? I understand totally where you are coming from and I know that H's generosity cannot continue indefinately, for the simple reason that BB is funding his lifestyle over there and she will not continue this forever. H cannot afford to continue to pay for everything here when this happens. Therefore at some point things will change. Am taking each day/week as it comes but I am prepared for changes.

Errrr..... Solo. Who cares if he wants a divorce? He has ripped your marriage to shreds. Don't you want a divorce?

Ok tough question. Verging on harsh. But for fucks sake who cares what he wants?

Absolutely agree with dontdisstheteens - the question of when you divorce is up to you, not him!!

Do it in your own time, when you're ready.

I went for it straight away, something I had to do for myself - god the cost of it is just shocking, especially since my DH was being such a total arse about money we had to have many sessions of mediation (mainly because of all the money he spent on his mistress and trying to get out of any financial obligation to his daugher whatsoever).

Waiting for the decree nisi to go through, oh happy days . . . .

We agreed it between ourselves with our solicitors kind of overseeing a couple of times. Although it was made straightforward by a straight 50:50 split on all assets so it was the monthly maintenance that took a bit of negociation and caused a few arguments.

"Therefore at some point things will change "

Yes they will which is why you should steel yoursef and open talks on this now , I am sure other posters will back me up in saying that the chances of time making him more generous and amenable are slim so why wait

Do YOU want a divorce Solo? Cos this guy so far has had 2 women and his DC dancing around to pander to what HE wants.

The HE that cheated, the HE that left his family, the HE that faked his mental breakdown to manipulate you into not telling the DC the truth.... need we go back and remind you of more?? Hmm? Hmm?

IF a divorce is what YOU want, then tbh you know what you have to do. Oh and get him to pay for it. All of it.

Great to have you back and most heartening to see you so strong!

I'm not fully up to date on divorce laws - but if you petition for a divorce on the grounds of his adultery, doesn't he have to pay costs or something? I know a friend of mine did this ~10 years ago and he was liable for her solicitor's costs and the court fees etc.? Or maybe that was just part of the deal she hammered out (she did a very good job of it!) Getting divorced is not the worst thing that can happen, it can be a very good thing.

Of COURSE he doesn't want to get divorced - God forbid anything should be formalised, or that you might be freed to live your own life again!! Selfish fucker, seriously. I don't give a flying fuck that he's being more reasonable about stuff - IME that's a prelude to another bombshell, "softening you up", as it were.

Get the finances formalised asap. It doesn't HAVE to be 50:50 - you can push for what you need, if he's feeling so reasonable then he can bloody well pay you as he is already doing. But get it in writing.

In my case, one bombshell was that he didn't want to sell our house after all, he wanted to move back there with the new bint. Prior to finding this out, he'd been ever so reasonable about stuff - of course he had, he wanted me out of there asap so he could get his life back on track!

Anyway - remember that he is completely UNTRUSTWORTHY now.

Hi Solo, I was thinking of you the other day.

It looks like you are feeling better about the situation and you and the children are doing ok.

I would love to know why your exh has changed his attitude and is showing you some respect now, I wonder why he is trying to keep you sweet at the moment? I wonder what he wants from you?

I know when my exh left for ow, he was telling me he was telling me the truth and stringing me along, then nasty, and would be nice when he wanted something and when he got it would turn nasty again.

you take care.

Hello, long time lurker quickly going to pop up now. My parents separated 17 years ago. It was amicable, there was no one else involved, just alcohol, and they verbally agreed the financial split.

Over the years my father has gone back on every single promise he made - even took his pension early, in the process losing a lot, just so my mum didn't get any.

Now he's started sending solicitors letters saying he's entitled to half my mum's flat, which she bought with her half of the house sale, because they're still married. Of course it's BS, and I find it reprehensible that any solicitor would encourage him in this ridiculous behaviour. But the fact is that it's causing my mother a lot of stress and anxiety, worrying that she's about to lose her house, just because they're still married.

Know why they're still married? Because neither of them saw the point in getting a divorce because "neither of them saw themselves getting married again". Ring any bells Solost? It's irrelevent whether he or you want to re-marry. It's about ring-fencing what's yours. It's about knowing what assets you have at your disposal to help you raise your children. It's about never, ever having to look over your shoulder and wonder if he has a claim before you make a purchase.