HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

THank you all for your comments.

WWIFN: Thanks for your comments. He usually texts and rings me on Sundays - the same stuff really 'r u lot ok?' and 'what r u up to today?' but I stopped answering. He then started ringing MIL's to talk to DCs, which i didn't mind, but yesterday was the first timeci asked him not to contact us at all. I asked him this morning why he had gone against my wishes and his answer was that HE needed to know we were OK.

I know you are right and I need to distance us from him. Don't know whether I'm strong enough though. I received a text from him this morning 'i need to think hard. Still think I did the right thing but feel different now. Scared if I leave I will wanna come back. Sorry you married a knob???? I didn't reply. Am finding detatching from ansering his calls and texts easier now but they still keep coming.

I will stop him texting the DCs. during the week there's no problem with school and everything it's just the weekend, Sunday in particular when he has no contact.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

I'm not much help to you about the texting as I have no experience of that, but I am a bit at the whole '...feel different now... still think I did the right thing...'

I just find this totally disrespectful to you as a person and I hope that someone else on here will give you some good strategies for dealing with this. He seems to be throwing in a curved ball by telling you he is not sure he made the right decision, but then again he wouldn't know that until he came back to you??????

Argh! I want to go and wring his neck for you. I get the impression that he is still of the opinion that he has kept his marital home and his wife on the back burner and that nothing has really changed. If he wanted to, he could waltz back in again and it would be OK. Oh but he might be so weak that he might waltz back out again.

If this is not proof that you need to erase him from your life, then please read through the details again. The way things are, he can still hurt you on a whim and he left several months ago. You need to shift up a gear and wrestle some control back.

ARgh! and this is why we said to block his number.

He is NOT respecting your boundaries, and now because you are trying to establish a routine without him, as is your right, he is trying to muddy the water with the "I might wanna come back" bollocks with a liberal sprinkling of "Woe is me, you married a nob"

Still thinks he did the right thing eh? The right thing by WHOM exactly????

Well Fck him, the horse he rode in on, and actually, to be sure, fck him again!

If you are wavering, and finding this hard then for the love of God, please block his number (and hers). He is ramping up his manipulation again. You need to protect yourself. Again.

Block the number, get caller ID, tell your IL that his calls are not welcome and that if he calls while you are visiting, as far as he is concerned, You are not there. He is not calling out of concern he is calling to be able to say that he does call.

My dad has been like this, great at ticking boxes, went to see my sister in USA after the birth of her DD, didn't go to see her until the evening, went shopping the next day and only saw her briefly, then flew back to London.

What does he mean, 'scared if I leave I will wanna come back?' Scared if he leaves BB? Surely he can't mean leave you, he already did that?

Does he actually think the door is still open for him?

I bet he's thinking that if he comes back, you'll be rolling out the red carpet for him.

What a tosser!

yes perfumedlife, that struck me after i hit post actually too.

I actually think it means jack shit, it's purely to manipulate and to confuse.

Lets not forget what happened the last time he didn't get what he wanted, he threw a breakdown..

DISTANCE, DISTANCE, DISTANCE.

LMHF I love your 'horse you rode in on' saying, can I steal it?

I wonder if he is estimating, its a New Year, solost is bound to have a lawyers appointment, must get her back fully on side?

I pilfered it myself.... by all means! It does get trotted out on here by others though, from time to time....

I don't think he's thinking that consciously, I think, like all the other times it's about control, getting what he wants at the expense of all others, and flipping out if he doesn't.

He is desperately insecure, thinks that Solo is getting on with her life, has asked him NOT to constantly call, and it's freaked him out.

That I still think I did the right thing, would be enough for me to never, ever speak to him again.

Hi
Have been keeping up with things Solo and wishing you well. So much wise advice coming your way from everyone that my head nearly falls off with so much nodding every time I return to the thread!

I really strongly agree with what WWIFN said about not allowing him to play with you all any longer. You need to decide that. It doesn't just happen. Maybe tomorrow's the day you decide? See how it goes - give it a go that tomorrow is the day you won't feel confusion any more about his "games" you will only feel ANGRY!

The person above who said:

"The way things are, he can still hurt you on a whim and he left several months ago. You need to shift up a gear and wrestle some control back." I found this very poignant. It really is that way. He is still capable of causing you so much hurt. Don't allow it.

Also he speaks the truth on one issue at least! so please listen to what he says regarding this issue: if he came back he will go again and again...etc.

If he came back it should only ever be on YOUR say so and with a hell of a lot of changes on his part (and yours i.e. not putting up with him being this self-indulgent twat) any longer. That is a long, long way off and I don't know whether he's ready to ever wake up to how much he would need to change to deserve you back!

I am confused that he is still thinking that "coming back" is still an option

Is he actually deluded, or have you been guilty of not making it perfectly crystal that is no longer an option for him ?

solost ?

What a HUGE sense of entitlement he has. Agree with other posters, block his number (maybe get a pay-as-you-go phone for him to text you on and just leave on at set times), block her number, caller ID on home phone. His sense of entitlement is not your problem, the choices he has made are not your concern.

Most of all Solo, start looking forward and getting on with your life. Book a holiday, have a weekend away with the children somewhere fun or new, you don't need to tell him. Crack on with that decorating and erase his presence from your home. Arrange a regular babysitter, but not him, so you can get out more. Set up new routines that he isn't part of, tea out for you and the children once a week?

You've moved on so much, strikes me now that a final push is in order for your own peace of mind.

He's testing the water the git!

AF, you said he'd do this (I think!)

Be strong Solo, don't blink. don't flinch.

Caller ID, Block phones, insist on email contact, keep DC phones off unless at prescribed times and when at MIL, ask unplug the phone. Just for a while. Tell MIL that he is manipulating (he is) and using the DC to get to you (He is)

Shut the bastard down.

I don't think that this is legally the case, but I do feel that any contact he has with his DCs at the moment should be seen as a priviledge, not a right.

His moral standing is zero so don't let yourself be drawn into his view of his choices.

At the end of the day, he walked out on his DCs. Whether it is a male or female doing it, it has to be one of the most despicable things a parent can do.

Please don't forget that.

Yes, LMHF, I did say he would do this, as did many others

I can predict everything else he is going to do as well, I'm psychic ya see

I've heard about you and your Crystal Balls....

Thanks for your comments.

AF: Think he's deluded, have given him no indication that he is welcome back. Nor has he shown any inclination to return.

Scaredofcows: Think that's the problem. He knows we are moving on. Took DCs out for tea after he left on Saturday and was he knows about me redecorating (DDs told him after i let them help choose colour scheme).

So why can't he be happy for us moving on? He has after all. Would love to discuss his text but I know what you ladies would have to say about that!

He doesn't want you to move on because he wants to enjoy his new life but he wants you and dc to be desperately waiting for him in the wings.

He did not need to be sure you were all ok. He needed to protect his "image" ( the deluded one he has of himself) so that he keeps feeling ok about what he's done. He wants you to think he's a good guy who cares for his family... Lol what an idiot.

The text is just to test the waters as someone else said. He'd love to see if you'll bite the bait he's dangling in front of you. But... What the twat doesn't realise is that after what he's done, it's not bait, but a deterrent.

solo, have you given him any indication that he is not welcome back?

He's playing you, and he wants you to think he's considering leaving BB to come back but not sure whether he will then want to return to her. He seems to be leading up to a classic bit of head fuckery where you're persuaded that he does need both a wife and a mistress, perhaps for his mental health. Fine, but he can marry someone else to fill the wife vacancy!

I would simply reply "I think it would be best if we discussed access arrangements for the kids via email in future. Please do not text me again. Thank you".

And then never reply to another one of his texts (or block his number) whatever the temptation.

Do you think he is leaving these texts on his phone and hoping OW will see them to keep her on her toes thinking you and he have talked about him coming back to you?

He is still playing/trying to play you both. Glad to see that you are wise to him now even if she isn't.

OMG Solost, this is a carbon copy of my H's actions. Please please please take the ladies advice, I wish Id discovered it earlier. Mine did come back and left again, basically used us for Christmas. I learnt the hardway what a knob he is and can now see right through him. Please please I know you are hurting and praying he will regret this, you soften when he asks how you are doing, thinking that he still cares, he probably does but he cares about himself MORE. I used to be so scared my H wouldnt want me back but you know what scared me today.....I heard him talking to the DC's and I felt nothing and it really shocked me. Please Solost you are worth so much more and if you do pull away and he ends up on his knees, crying, begging YOU will be in control not the other way round. Dont let him fool you honey, routing for you xxxxxxxxxxx

I've been following your thread but this is the first time I've posted. Excuse me for interrupting, I just feel I have to say something... Solost please please tell him you have already decided it's over so he should stop wasting his time deciding what he wants. The decision isn't his any more. Please tell him that.

If at some point in the future (after a lot of soul searching and grovelling on his part) you decide to change your mind, then that's your perogative, but right now he really needs to hear that you don't want him back! [returns to lurking position]

Totally agree cenicienta. It's the only way to reclaim the power.

CENICISNA: Thanks for posting, I appreciate your comments. Tbh, I just want to be left alone, th adjust and get on with my own life. But with the DCs it's so hard. It would be so much easier if I could just cut contact, but I can't. For their sakes I feel I need to be civil to him, don't want the DCs to think we hate each other, i need the transition to be as smooth as possible for them.

I do agree with what you are saying though.

Bananahammoc: Thanks chuck, how are you doing? I wouldn't take him back ATM, he's all over the place, a total mess. I know it wouldn't work. He would be back to her within the week.

I'm just trying to get through this on my own. I have really surprised myself on some ways. I have never been on my own or lived on my own, been with H since I was 15. And I have found that, I like my own company, I don't feel lonely at all (which i thought I would) I am learning a lot about myself, who I am.