Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

930 replies

solost · 19/12/2010 19:11

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

OP posts:
Original poster
solost · 14/01/2011 22:07

TALLWIVGLASSES: Thanks for your support. X

KATEONMN: WWIFN is spookily accurate isn't she? So much soci sometimes think she knows H in RL!

STAREXPAT: H has been through the 'I hate myself and everything I've done to you all' phase during his 'breakdown'. Haven't had the begging to come back yet!

OP posts:
bananahammoc · 14/01/2011 23:56

Solost: Im so with you and want to come and give you a big hug. I too dont think I will ever trust again but I am starting to have hope (although it doesnt last very long). I have a 4 and 7 year old and it makes me hate my H more to think of the example he is setting them, but they dont understand (how can they when we dont). My 4 year old shouts at me "Mommy you sent my Daddy away" and it truly breaks my heart, I want to tell her what an absolute SHIT her Daddy is but then I think well I will take the blame because at least Im here and I will never leave you and I will be the one that wipes your tears and cuddles you tight. My 7 year old DD has had to grow up so fast and that makes me sad too. I feel guilty constantly for all the pain they feel but all we can do is be there for them as they are for us in their own little way. We could not prevent this and my goodness Solost what a fine example you are setting your DC's, wot gorgeous strong young women they will grow into, who will definitely hold their own when it comes to boyfriends. You are doing so well Solost, believe me. xxx

WWIFN - Admit it, you are an angel sent to help us arent you. Amazing advice and always so spot on. THANK YOU. I agree, any good books for us to understand why, so we can maybe stop blaming ourselves???

Kate - You are my guru

xxxxxxx

KateonMN · 15/01/2011 00:45

Banana gonna come and see you soon hun x

StarExpat · 16/01/2011 21:42

I hope you're having a great weekend, solost. :)
Are you finding time to do some things for yourself while H has the dc on a weekend? I hope so!

Original poster
solost · 16/01/2011 21:57

Hi Starexpat,

The weekend has been good thanks. H came over yesterday and took DS to football and DCs to a panto. He always has to rush off about 4pm though.

Have been practicing the art of detaching today. Asked H yesterday if he would not contact us at all today until the DCs bedtime. He sent a couple of 'r u ok today?' texts which i ingnored, however giving the DCs mobiles seemed to have backfired somewhat as H texts them instead. Stuff like 'r u all ok' and 'what r u up to?'. It seems he can't stay our of our lives?

Not sure what to do about it really, if anything. Thought he would be glad to have us out of his life, to be able to concentrate on his new life for the weekend. But he seems unable to let go?

Hope you had a great weekend too. X

OP posts:
StarExpat · 16/01/2011 22:04

He just wants to be reassured that you aren't moving on :)

But you are.

He is also likely worried that you're seeing someone else (regardless of what you have told him, if anything... his lies will have made him wary of trusting others, regardless of their honest history...etc.).

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 22:10

OK, if he texts the DC when you have said no contact until bedtime, you will have to have the phones off until bedtime.

Close the loopholes. Shut down and manage the access.

He is keeping tabs. Tabs he no longer has any right to expect to keep.

Him leaving at 4pm is OK though, gives you time to do tea and baths etc. Let it go. Don't worry about that.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 22:13

Turn of the dc's phones except for the times you would be ok for them to receive his ridiculously-needy texts

job done

alhough you shouldn't need to police his parenting in his way, it seems you must

christ, he's a pathetic twat

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 22:13

turn off

Original poster
solost · 16/01/2011 22:24

STAREXPAT: yeah, I think so too. What is it with them? That they can move on but they don't want you to?

LMHF: thanks for the advice. You have confirmed my feelings re the mobiles. Upthread some posters suggested giving the DCs mobiles for him to contact them rather than me but as I said earlier, this seems to have backfired as he is keeping tabs on us all through them rather than me. Unsure why he feels he needs to do this though, he left us after all?

OP posts:
Original poster
solost · 16/01/2011 22:28

AF: My thoughts exactly, however how do I do this without appearing unreasonable to the DCs? After all it was me who suggested they took the phones with them in case Daddy wanted to speak to them and now I'm going to have to ask them to turn them off.

Think I might have to just let them run out of charge(the DCs are rubbish at charging them!)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 22:39

you are the mummy

tell dc's they are allowed calls/texs from daddy but not constantly as it is distracting them from school, homework, quiet time, CBeebies, XBox whatever it is that your kids do

they won't need nor even welcome these needy texts from him, you know that, whatever they say

take charge

if a mate from school (for example) was sending unwelcome texts to your dc, what would you do ?

do the same

Original poster
solost · 16/01/2011 22:42

Thanks AF, just needed confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
plupervert · 16/01/2011 23:02

To me, 'r u all ok' and 'what r u up to?' sounds more like his paying lip service to "being in touch/ being there". Terse text speak to his own children is pretty pathetic; it sounds more as though he set an alarm to "touch base" with his children than that he is trying to engage with them - either for themselves or to find out what you are up to. If he really wanted to engage with them properly, he would have called.

He does have form for checking on you, but this does sound more like box-ticking to me. In any case, are the children going to bother to respond to such a no-effort-made, impersonal query? Even if they do respond, children are notorious for being uncommunicative; are they really going to be writing a diary of your movements, to relay to him? Your eldest might be able to provide desired information, but at the same time be unwilling, thus frustrating success.

Hope this makes you feel a bit better and less persecuted! Smile

Original poster
solost · 17/01/2011 07:03

PLUPERVERT: You are right. I checked through DD's phone and all she answered was 'yes' and 'no' to his texts. I don't really think he is checking up on us, don't know what I'd call it really, I suppose it's 'keeping in touch' but I still don't know why he feels the need to do this? Thought he'd be happy to be left to concentrate on his new life.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 17/01/2011 08:37

oh no, solost. He's too clever for that. He's not going to just disappear. Then you could accuse him of not being there for the kids... or just dropping out of their lives. If he keeps doing this, then he feels justified that everything is ok and he's doing his part.

He'll do anything to assuage his guilty conscience and make himself feel better about enjoying his new life.

StarExpat · 17/01/2011 08:55

See how manipulative he is?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 17/01/2011 09:23

Solost This is not the first time he has tried to manipulate the DCs. He doesn't actually want to know that they are okay and functioning well without him - his every action remember, is about him. He is using his own DCs to assuage his guilt. It is the text version of manipulating the girls into saying they loved him.

You need to put your own need to see him and your own hope that these text messages are evidence of his new love faltering, to one side. The DCs will look back when they are older and remember the guilt he induced in them and the phone and text conversations that they didn't want to have.

As the only responsible parent they've got, you need to protect them from his manipulation. Take the responsibility away from them and impose those mobile curfews. Inwardly, they will sigh with relief even if outwardly, they express complaints. As a parent, sometimes you need to take being the bad guy on the chin, knowing that in fact, your motives are to protect.

It is time to face one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do, for the imminent sake of your DCs and in the long term, your own.

Separate your lives now. It's time to give up on him.

StarExpat · 17/01/2011 09:23

Blush oh, I see that plupervert just basically said that. I was responding to your response to plupervert, without reading her post! That will teach me.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/01/2011 09:25

It's called great minds thinking alike :)

StarExpat · 17/01/2011 09:31

Agree with WWIFN, to put it bluntly, it does seem like you want to think that him texting and wanting to know what's going on is a sign of him not really enjoying his new life. Or that he wants to be back in his old life. Or that he really cares...

:( Sadly, it's not. It's just him trying to make himself feel better about it. It's all about him.

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/01/2011 09:36

It's not keeping in touch, he's doing this to keep HIM well and truly UPPERMOST in everyone's thoughts.

Great, fine, understandable in some respects... BUT, he was the one to walk out, why should an entire family be held to ransom due to HIS libido?

Shut down this support structure, stop him keeping his hooks in. He left his FAMILY for someone he barely knows, he has faked MH issues and he has threatened you. He chose this, and he is trying to call shots he has no right to call.

StarExpat · 17/01/2011 09:43

Same goes for why he texts you the "are you ok?" ...etc. Like LMHHF said, to make sure you're keeping him in your thoughts and so he can think to himself that he's being a nice guy and showing concern, so that he can then happily go about enjoying his new life. He feels pangs of guilt about it, so needs to send a quick text once in a while to feel better. I've seen this before.

plupervert · 17/01/2011 10:47

Yes, I did say lip service;sorry if it wasn't clear enough that I meant he didn't mean it (otherwise he wouldn't be so lazy as to text his children with a vague question and hope that counted for "touching base").

GoneSouth · 17/01/2011 16:23

I couldn't agree more with everyone's thoughts at the moment about distancing yourself and your DCs properly from him

This is especially important as the date for your solicitor's appointment draws near. You will need that distance when you start to nail him about a more formal separation. He's had an easy ride at the moment (even although he is not restricting money) but I can see that he will really start throwing his toys out of the pram when he gets missives from your legal team.

And on another note I read earlier in the thread. Yes its funny how these men don't 'save' the 60 year old hairy-chinned spinsters. But I can't help but think that his 30++y ear old spinster probably has more in common with the 60 year old than he realises yet. Peel off some layers and they will be very alike! Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread