HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Cenicienta - Absolutely 100% - Solost do not think that this will push your H away (although I wish you would) this will only make you have control of YOUR life and what it is YOU need, he walked out and is no longer a part of YOUR life - god I feel like a fraud writing advice because I was the worlds worst but you know what they say.....hindsight is a wonderful thing. Be strong babe xxxxx

Solo, I can only echo the other ladies - this is all about HIM still

How dare he even think you would want him back - and even if you did it would be as simple as him just 'coming back'.

I was stupid enough to take my DH back and part of me regrets is soooo much. I felt I'd really let myself down and realised I didn't want him anymore.

My DH has just started to play his little mind games again - I don't really know why, but all I can assume it that he can't bear how I'm getting on with my life and how well I'm doing, all things considered.

Be strong, tell the fucker to piss off (only in a nice way, you're too much of a lady to say that to his face ).

He has to learn to follow the rules . . . YOU are the only one who can break them.

Having followed this post,Solost, what amazes me is your complete lack of anger, a good thing?

Xales: I don't think he is. I told him to stop her texting me or would contact the police and report her for harrassment. Don't think he would pass on that message and if she saw a txt like that am sure she would go ballistic? Sorry thinking out load, not sure it's logical but, no I don't think so.

Tribpot: No indication at all. He is all over the place at the moment, not his self at all, although putting on a good show of normality for the DCs.

Gone South: Agree with what youre saying (especially the bit about the 60 yr old spinsters!). H is paying for everything ATM, much more than he would be legally obliged to I am sure. Therefore I have not told h about the solicitors appt, don't want to antagonise him.

GoneSouth: He really doesn't see that he's abandoned his DCs. This is a major problem for him. I have brought this fact up several times in the past and hecreally doesn't see it. He is totally deluding himself about it, I sometimes think he cannot face what he has actually done.

I don't think so, roisin, but solost is a nicer person than I

I would have pasted this bloke (verbally, out of earshot of dc) from here to John'O'Groats and back

and I am a long way from John'O'Groats

he is being given a remarkably easy time of it, IMO, the stupid fucker

I'd be strung up for what I'd do to him.

Incidentally, talk about how it goes when the table appears to turn.

I got bit pissed the other night and for some reason insisted on having to switch twitter off on my phone... but passed out fell asleep in the process... STBX (cheated in past, quelle surprise) saw my phone and demanded to know who the F was Lucas North (that bloke off spooks... perhaps not even real, just for a laugh)

Spent the whole day trembling that I was up to no good behind his back.

Ha ha ha.

Lifemoveson: I am sure you are right. I am going to tell him to let me move on, he has and I (we) have a right to do so also. Sorry you are also suffering, what are you doing about it?

Roisinniamh: I was angry, so angry at first. I kind of lost it for a few days tbh. But anger is such a negative emotion don't you think? Now when I think about it I just feel sad, that what I thought we had was worth so little in the end, that he couldn't see what he felt for what it was - a crush, an infatuation and for the DCs who worship their dad and who one day will see him for who he really is and for the time they could have spent together that now they can't.

But I know that I will always be there for them and I will make sure they know that. But I don't want to become an angry, bitter mum, I don't want them to remember me being like that and so I'm not.

Should I feel this way? Is it normal?

nothing/anything is normal

wtf is "normal" in this situation ?

Solost I understand what you're saying, I appreciate that it's hard to cut contact physically and wouldn't advise that at the moment. It just seems like emotionally, for some reason he believes you're still available, waiting for him to "decide". Maybe I've got it wrong, in which case, please just ignore my post. You're getting plenty of other great advice here :)

solost, that's my point. You haven't told him he isn't welcome back. So why shouldn't he continue to play you, particularly as you took the bait by asking him to tell BB to stop texting you? Why would you report her for harrassment, his texts have been far more harrassing (and numerous).

Yes, you really are amazing !

Tribpot: You are right, thanks for pointing that out. Think what it is, is that I have always received texts from H so I don't see them as intrusive whereas BB....

Cenicienta: I suppose I am still attached emotionally. Although I am trying! It is hard though but I'm sure I will get there eventually. I feel I am doing much better now than I was.

AF: not sure either!

I can understand what you mean about him not feeling that he has abandoned his DCs. In my wider family this happened well over 10 years ago and the woman who left her four DCs is still adament that she did not abandon them. Apparently it was the 'best thing' for everyone.

However, now that the DCs are grown up, they have put the pieces of the jigsaw together themselves. She doesn't come out of it well.

Your DCs will not always be this age and he will have to face them as they become teeneagers and young adults. He may not be able to hide behind his new soulmate/fell in love/'whatever' story - although be careful because he may try and create a scenario which blames you. I strongly suspect that he will not want to take the rap for this in the longer term.

GoneSouth: I remember at the beginning when I found out him saying to me; 'the DC's will be happy for me one day, when they see how happy I am then they will be happy too'. I thought at the time he must have lost his mind if really believed that. Maybe that's what gets people like them through, helps them to live with what they have done?

I wish I knew what had been going round in her head at the time, but in retrospect we were dealing with someone who was amoral and was able to walk away from her DCs without a backward glance - it was chilling.

When the DCs talk about it all now, they comment on how much they WERE aware of what was going on. The hardest things for them to deal with are the lies. They are still uncovering things now - as their mother told more and more elaborate lies to distract them from the truth. ( I could write a book!!)

They just wanted their Mum and Dad to be together and feel they have missed out on what their friends/cousins have.

I do agree with you that this person's lies became the truth in her eyes as its the only way she was able to live with what she had done. The other thing is that anyone she has met since she 'walked' has been treated to the sanitised version of the story. Thats the bit which makes my blood boil. She reinvented herself as Mother Teresa!

Sorry Solost. I don't think "not wanting to antagonise him" or "needing to be civil" is for the DCs' sake, or at least not more than a fraction. I think you decided long ago that this was the best way of making him come back to you and so it's for your sake.

For the DCs' sake, it would be better that you gave up on him and put this separation on a more formalised footing.

No wonder he thinks he can send texts like that to you and that all it might take is a bit more patience from you for him to change his mind. Ignore that text and if he puts you on the spot about what your reaction was, just say your romantic relationship is over forever and you want to confine your conversations to the children and division of assets.

I once told you on your other thread that the only thing that would make this ghastly man want you back was if he thought he had lost you forever. I hoped that by that time, that would also be true, but sadly I don't think it is and by Christ, it should be.

"'the DC's will be happy for me one day, when they see how happy I am then they will be happy too"

Oh yeah right. My dad married the OW over 20 yrs ago, my mum married her BF of 13 years some 6 years ago.

I have no contact whatsoever with his new family, she made sure we were not welcome, he never fought.

Mums H is a tiny control freak with an unqualified and moronic opinion on everything. He's hateful much of the time.

Whenever he's a shit, I blame my dad for the affair that eventually inflicted this buffoon on our house.

Your DC will NEVER be happy for your DH. Not EVER.

And who told you that anger was a negative emotion Solost? Anger is appropriate and healthy, as long as it doesn't harm you or others undeserving of that anger. It is entirely justifiable and appropriate with your H and always was.

Anger is in fact a great emotion if it galvanises us to tell people who are mistreating us, that we won't tolerate it any more. Discharging correctly targetted anger is assertive, not aggressive. If it is not discharged properly on the other hand, it can lead to bitterness, which is what I think you are confusing this with.

No need to get bitter, but definitely a need to get angry with the right person, in the right way.

Hello Solost - I am a touch concerned reading your latest posts that you are STILL in the belief that your H is "not himself" and that he is "a mess" and "all over the place".

Rubbish. Sorry, it really is absolute tripe.

HE is fine. He might be putting up some kind of "poor me, I still don't really know what I'm doing or why I've done it, it felt right at the time, not quite so sure now [that you appear to be getting away from him], will just keep you hanging on in the hope that I might change my mind" front - but HE is doing what HE wants to.

PLEASE get over this idea that he is having some kind of midlife crisis and that you should feel sorry for him - why the fuck should you? He has torn your family asunder, he has upset you, his parents, your parents, and not least his children! all for some woman who apparently is his "soulmate" (let us not forget that gem) - and it's not all quite as rosyposy as he thought it would be, PLUS he still has to deal with his responsibilities (and now he has new ones too). What a shame! what a crying shame that the moronic fuckwit couldn't see past the end of his dick to realise what situation his actions would create.

Block his number. Block hers too. You should have done this a while back - you are still using the frequent texting as a sign that he cares about you - he DOESN'T! He is doing it for purely selfish purposes - either to make sure that you are still all thinking about him, or to keep tabs on you, or to keep you believing that he cares enough about you to maybe ditch the bitch and come back. Whichever it is - NONE OF IT IS GOOD.

I am sure there is more for me to rant about but you STILL have a lot to do in terms of the emotional detachment - you are getting a small amount of pleasure from the frequency of his texts and misreading the motivation for them, and this is keeping you static, rather than moving forward.

You can try telling him to leave you alone; you can try telling him that you want to be allowed to move on - YOU DON'T NEED HIS PERMISSION! It all comes from within you.

Just do it - don't tell him, just tell yourself.

harsher than normal from me but necessary, I think.

"I remember at the beginning when I found out him saying to me; 'the DC's will be happy for me one day, when they see how happy I am then they will be happy too'."

Sorry, but I find that chilling.

He's an adult. A parent. Who is saying he expects his children to be happy, in later life, that he did everything possible to utterly destroy their growing up in security and stability, despite having by his own admission a good relationship and happy home... so he could follow the urgings of his cock?!

That is so self-centred it's genuinely sociopathic. It sounds the reasoning of someone with some kind of personality disorder. The utter disregard for their happiness and welfare, when set against his own, sets huge alarm bells ringing for me. A man who can think about the needs of his kids that way is not someone who thinks about them at all. No wonder he doesn't think he's abandoned them - he doesn't seem to think of them as people with real interior lives of their own at all, does he?

Sorry, but that shocks me more than everything else. Anyone can behave badly. Few can come out with shit like that about kids, one of whom is really very tiny. It's the thinking you expect of a kid about a parent, not the other way around.

Perfectstorm: I found that chilling too. It's the one thing he said that really stuck. How can someone change so much? He was NEVER like that, awns I think that's what ei struggle with. Is it possible teo know someone for 27 years and not have an inkling of their real personality? I suppose these questions are pointless really and I must deal with the reality that this is the person that he is NOW but it makes me feel like my entire adult life has been a lie.

Thumb: harsher than normal but thanks. I don't feel I am getting pleasure from his texts but I can see that it appears that way. I think what it is, is that I see them as a validation that he hasn't forgotton about us completely, that we still prick his concience now and again and as I write this I already see how pathetic that sounds. I know I have to move on and mostly I feel positive about this but sometimes..... Thanks for your comments, I do Appreciate them.

LMHF: thanks for sharing your experience. It's exactly how I thought and it's good to hear from someone who has actually been through it. Not sure whether H really believed what he thought or that it was just a way to assuage his guilt at the time. It's hard to believe anyone could be so naive and self centred. He never showed any of these 'qualities' before all this.

GoneSouth: that is one of my fears. That because all my friends/the DCs friends parents are together that they too will feel they are missing out. Already they all have to be dragged en masse to their various activities rather than staying at home playing with their friends. DD's hate standing on a cold touchline for 2 hrs! I try to make arrangements for them to be elsewhere if possible but it's not always so.

WWIFN: thanks for that. Most days I do feel that I wouldn't have him back, that is the truth. And there is no point even thinking about it as he has no intention of coming back anyway. I didn't respond to the text as I have no comment. I don't respond to his texts at all any more unless they are about childcare arrangements.

Regarding the anger thing, although I don't appear to show it, I do feel bloody angry with him when I think about his treatment of me but then think, what's the point - it's happened, move on, don't dwell. Maybe I should use that anger but I didn't want to end up a bitter person because of it especially for the DCs, I hope I'm better than that.

It really helps to get my thoughts down on here, almost like a journal but with comments. I appreciate your comments, they always challenge my thoughts and I need that. Thanks again.

Solo you say that detachment is difficult or impossible because you want the children to maintain their relationship with their father. But if he is saying/texting these things to you, what might he be saying/hinting to them when you are out of earshot?

Emotional detachment between you and him will not in any way damage their relationship with him. On the contrary, it will clarify the situation to them and help them to move on. Do they wonder if he is coming back? They might well do, and if they are, that must be as confusing and heart wrenching as hell for them. They, he and you must all be clear, explicitly and vocally clear, that this change is permanent, that he will not be back. They must be given the ability to move on and enjoy the next phase of their childhood without any kind of limbo handing over them.