HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Great that you're feeling more upbeat.

So, what colour are you thinking of for YOUR room?

Solost questions of whom? I certainly don't want you asking questions of him - perish the thought!! The last thing he needs is thinking you still give a fuck!

What I was suggesting you did was to re-construct the story of the affair yourself, from first contact with the OW - not, as is usual, from the date the affair started. If you don't want to do that on a thread, I'm happy to help you with this via PMs. I expect also, that when you asked him questions about the affair and timelines, you concentrated on what he was feeling, rather than what life was like for you during this time.

Yes, "you can't help your feelings" is a typical platitude, but in fairness to her, the comment about not being disappointed in him because it was none of her business, was a polite way of saying "I don't need to hear about yet another middle-aged man who can't see further than his dick."

WWIFN: I never looked at it that way. Just shows how people interpret things differently depending on how they are feeling/what they are experiencing etc.

With regard to BB, H first met her in Nov 2009, she took over as a contact for H from some old bloke. There were a few meetings between them then they went abroad togther through work in feb, at the end of feb H went abroad with her co to a vip event. This was where she made it clear that she's was attracted to him and she subsequently spent a night in his room although he says he spent it in the chair!

When he got back, although he says he felt terrible and guilty he was the one who contacted her again and they began to meet regularily.

H also says they only met once a week and yet by May he was already talking of leaving us for her.

So there it is, the whole sorry tale in a nutshell. I have all the intimate info and more personal details but for obvious reasons am reluctant to post them. Is that the into you meant, if not apologies and let me know what else o need to look at.

I really appeciate your help in with this. Thank you.

My friend's dickhead H gave her his version of the story as well. It was very similar to yours .

Well, she believed him when he told her that they never slept together, that it was only meeting up and talking...etc. Then, she found evidence that they had met up while he was away on business a few times, and other times that she was absolutely adamantly convinced that there was " no way " that it could have happened at that time. :(

Can you afford counselling privately? I just know that sometimes this is more convenient and personal than through NHS, if possible. I don't mean to push you toward it I just want you to realise that it's ok and it does help and it's not just for people who are depressed/on the edge...etc.

Solost - I had feelings for someone other than my DH. I talked it through with DH, and realised it was a crush. I don't even like this person, in retrospect, and it had a lot to do with things in my own life I was fed up with, and the other person bringing out bits of me that actually aren't very positive, but do create intense emotions. And a certain degree of self-destruction.

I've recently supported my cousin through the exact same scenario. Both cases, we went to our spouses and talked. Not the other person. In both cases, the marriages were actually stronger afterwards. I don't think your DH having feelings elsewhere needed to be a disaster - it could have been as simple as he needed to make more of a fuss of the two of you as a couple, not just parents, however good the relationship always was - but he chose the retreat from adult life, into a fantasy, instead. He's still there.

I think crushes outside the marriage occasionally are normal. Life is long. I asked my DH when we got married what he'd do if he fell in love with someone else, and he said, "run away. Very fast." Which is a sensible answer, far more so than "I couldn't!" IMO.

Your DH couldn't face having a crush, so he turned it into a huge Mills and Boon production. Bluntly, if this were indeed twu wuv he'd not be subtly slagging her off to you all the time - much less sleeping with you even after leaving. The whole true love thing is utter bullshit, in my view. Too many people think they've fallen in love when what they've actually done is mesh neuroses. All too often very intense feelings come from very unhealthy parts of our personalities, and a lot of what he may think is passion is actually adrenaline from the drama. After a while, non-stop drama is draining, boring and awful - and a huge antidote to any love at all.

He's too gutless to accept aging, or that he's had a hormonal moment over some bint. That is not about BB at all IMO - nor you.

SCAREDOFCOWS: A deep purply berry on the 'accent wall' - ooh listen to me doing a Linda Barker! Then cream for the other Walls. Am thinking new bedding to match, obviously!

STAREXPAT: Oh they definately slept together but not that first night, think see was too pissed, a common theme throughout. H always maintains they had sex but not intercourse until he left. I do believe that. In his twisted way he seemed to think that holding back on having intercourse made him not totally unfaithful, obviously a load of bollocks!

Can't afford private counselling so will have to do the nhs route.

He also slagged OW off to friend loads. Telling negative things about her, how she was lazy and wouldn't get up early, only wanted to go shopping...etc. Rolled his eyes...etc. This sucked her in and he saw the glint of happiness in her eyes as he told her of troubles in paradise. I saw it happen a few times.

It was so obvious that he wanted to keep her holding on to the possibility of him returning, so she wouldn't move on... and in some twisted way, he actually thought that by telling her that all was not fabulous in his new life with OW, that it somehow justified everything and made him less of a bad person - as if he was suffering for his mistake, so needed sympathy... didn't deserve further consequence... etc. Ok I'm rambline.

He kept on his wedding ring and said he was "proud to be her wife" even though he was with OW... Such a tosser.

(P.S. Is "tosser" appropriate in this sentence? I'm not British, but I think this word is so much fun to use!)

rambling not rambline

Starexpat - absolutely correct use of tosser, yes. Also applicable: wanker, knob and twatmonkey.

New bedroom sounds a brilliant idea, as well, Solost.

Cool, thanks, perfectstorm I've heard it a lot but wasn't sure if it was reserved for a particular group of wankers or if it applied to all. Brilliant word!

StarExpat - perfect use of the word "tosser"!

Solost - your new room sounds gorgeous - are you thinking new light fittings / wall art too? Might as well go the whole hog. What about flooring?

I'm really glad you're feeling better today. Hopefully you won't have to wait too long if you are referred for counselling. I was told it could be up to 8 weeks but was actaully seen within 3 which wasn't bad at all.

I'm beginning to feel like Sherlock Holmes on here at the moment, but thanks for the timeline Solost .

Are you saying that he didn't know her old boss had been replaced before he set eyes on her in November 2009? No E mails or phone calls before that meeting and of course, in between subsequent meetings? No browsing on her company website before he met her, to see this new woman? When did she actually get appointed?

There are some massive gaps in this tale. If there is stuff you don't want to post, then do PM me of course.

I agree unreservedly with posters who are pointing out that crushes are normal and the sensible thing to do is to discuss them, not convince yourself that this is true love. As someone once famously said on MN - I've had cheese in my fridge longer than your H's crush....

Solost - very pleased that your run helped clear your head and VERY pleased that you are going to repaint your room.

May I also suggest that your exH does NOT get to see the inside of it, however much you feel like you want him to see that you've redecorated and are moving on - he has NO BUSINESS in your bedroom now.

Counselling through the NHS might be of benefit to you but it might not - in general, the NHS route is to push you into CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which will give you 6 sessions, in which you are given strategies to cope with your situation and/or change it. This sort of counselling has its own benefits; but it isn't really a talking therapy, so you won't get the understanding and clarity of thought from it that you could from a different variety, where talking is more the focus.

Have fun painting your room - love the sound of the colour combo, beautiful!

WWIFN: No I don't think he did know. At their first meeting I presume it was a handover meeting, the guy he used to dealwith introduced bb as H's new contact (the co which she works for supplied H's co). She had been transferred from a different dept. H always said she seemed bolshy and full of herself - a typical 'marketing person' in his opinion. Then a couple more meetings before their first trip abroad (which incidently there was other people travelling/staying with them). I believe during that trip was when she made it clear she was attracted to him. There was an incident on the plane where he bought us gifts and she was sat next to him, he said her demeanor changed abruptly and she became moody and distant.

I don't know if any of this is helping but he said afterwards he bought the gifts 'to get her off his back', the one to me was a piece of jewellery with 'i love you' inscribed onto it, kind of ironic eh?

I suppose that was he half hearted attempt of telling her he was committedto his family, pretty pathetic when you think about it.

The second trip was 10 days later and lasted 5 days. H says he was outside having a cigarette when she followed him. She was drunk and he didnt want her wandering around so he took her back to her room and... Things moved on from there. When he got back from that trip I remember he looked like shit, he had lost at least half a stone in weight. At the time he told me he had a stomach bug, later he admitted his guilt had stopped him eating. Yet within a week he called her and arranged another meeting and within two more months was discussing leaving us with her.

I knew something was wrong but assumed it was work. He was stressed and snappy and not very interested in anything much. We went on holiday and it was awful, H couldn't bear to be around us and drank far more than he usually did - I still thought it was work. I remember once going to the loo and h being on the phone, work did contact him during our holiday I know this is a fact. Anyway, I heard him say 'got to go' that was the first time I had an inkling that he was seeing someone else. He still maintains that the call WAS work related and not BB but the look on his face....

He maintains he never contacted her on holiday. Never contacted her on a weekend. Only saw her once a week. Does this help?

Hi Solo - glad to see you've bounced back from your little wobble. They do happen, but they will get less and less. I actually can't remember the last time I had one now and I've just celebrated a whole year of finding out my Tosser was still seeing his OW.

His was a mid-life crisis, coupled with an escapist world - while he was down in Devon with her once a week (he used to cover that area for business, she one of his clients) he could escape from the 'mundane' - menopausal wife, hormonal teenager, mortgage, normal home life - instead they were in this nice little "Mills & Boon" loved up bubble, so far removed from the real world I think he actually started to live the fantasy.

He even admitted to me one day that he'd told so many lies and stories to cover his ass that he lost the plot as to what was a lie and what wasn't.

His OW was the "love of his life, the reason why he was prepared to walk away from everyone and everything he loved to be with her, he'd never loved nor would again somone as much as her, blah blah blah".

Two weeks after he'd left me and she'd told him to bog off, this great paragon of his being was sadly forgotten and he'd moved on to his sister's best friend!!

He knew within about 3 months for real what he'd done, what he'd thrown away. But couldn't deal with it, knew I'd never take him back (did that in the previous Nov for 7 weeks before I caught him still cheating).

Their perception of reality is not the same as ours; I do believe that your DH knows exactly what he's done, but can't undo it so he has to get on with this new life he's made.

As for your new bedroom, would you believe it sounds very similar to mine! And I read in a magazine only last week that deep reds, purple and plum colours in a bedroom show a very sensuous side

Keep smiling honey, keep saying it but you really are getting there

THUMBWITCH: Thanks. Am really looking forward to changing it all now.

FANTUS: Might as well change the lot. In for a penny and all that!

Can't for the life of me recall how on earth I got the information for it, but the brief time I did psychoanalytical therapy, there was a charity that subsidised therapy.

google it and see if you can find a similar scheme. The one I saw just now asks for £25 per session + 1/1000th of your salary.

[[http://www.london-counselling-psychotherapy.co.uk/Fees.&.Charges.htm details here]

I know you are not in london, but if you get the general idea, you can ask for similar in your area!

PERFECTSTORM: I am sure you and all the other wise ladies are right. But what a waste eh? To give up your whole family for a crush. And now I feel he is desperately trying to make it work.

I asked him once, why he couldn't have come to me and told me before it went too far, his respone was 'you'd have gone mad' which is exactly what I did when I found out! He also said he hoped it would 'burn itself out' or she would end it???? But obviously that didn't happen.

arse! link here

forgot 2nd ]

Oh ha hahahahahahaha!!! He thought the affair with his "soulmate" would burn itself out, or that his "soulmate" would end it??? Ha! That's just dropped him in the sea of his own lies, hasn't it! Obviously he knows he's fucked up majorly but he's too spineless to do anything about it. Too bad now!

I wouldn't even bother kicking this bloke in the gonads as they've obviously disappeared up his own arse.

LIFEMOVESON: That sounds exactly like H. He is living an alternative reality. I also think he knows deep down what he has done, hence the 'breakdown' before Xmas.

Sadly he's going to stick with his new reality, and make it work. He's already rewriting history. Earlier today I asked him if he could stay later tommorrow as DS has a theatre trip and is not due to be dropped off at school til 10pm. H said he would do it but would let me know forcdefinate later. I asked why? He said he had to run it past BB just to check they had nothing on. I made a sarky comment re checking his 'calendar' he said 'well I always had to run everything past you when I lived there' . Utter rubbish and I told him so. Also said, just sort it out and let me know whether you can do it, if not I will make alternative arrangements.

It's so easy to get drawn in isn't it?

Solo, you are crediting him with too much thought here, he didn't think, not with his head anyway... Everything he has said is post-rationalisation. Face-Saving.

This is why he is concocting all this crap, fishing for sympathy.

He simply did't think, he just fcked. Sleep-fcked his way into all this.

..and then when he got caught, thought that to stop and back off would look like he made a mistake and he'd have caused all that crap for nothing.

Weak, spineless and thinking with his dick. Now trying to cover his tracks, re-write history to make his stupidity look like he had no option, was swept off his feet, powerless to do anything and therefore he is avoiding all responsibility for his sins.

MISSHISSYFIT: Thank you x

Also explains his mental health episode, except that he is not a good enough actor to follow that through and you didn't fall for it.

I despise this bag of useless skin masquerading as a man (apparently)

Solost I have posted on here before - I am in quite a similar situation, although I am pretty detached from my ex now.

We are on a similar timeline - but despite me asking him in June about the OW he didn't admit it till Dec (and only when I said I would go into their work and ask HER)

I just want you to know that you are a real inspiration - these men are following a script and it stinks.

After I read about your ex H 'breakdown' mine did the same! When I said I would go into his work and ask the OW directly...he started crying and wailing and telling me how he was losing his mind. I remembered this thread and said quite calmly to him..

"So, you are saying you're having a mental breakdown at this precise moment? How did you manage to go away with OW this past weekend - socialise with her family then have a cosy meal and fuck with her in my house if you are suffering from severe mental problems?"

He had no answer - and when he rang again 5 mins later, the tears had stopped and so had the pretence.