HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Doha: Thank you. I just took me by surprise tbh. How long does it take to get over something like this? Thought I was doing ok but..... Tommorrows another day!

Doha: Thank you. I just took me by surprise tbh. How long does it take to get over something like this? Thought I was doing ok but..... Tommorrows another day!

Fantus: I was! (for a while anyhow!). All three!! Crying, rocking and wailing! But it passed, eventually. Am feeling better this evening thankfully. Never been depressed in my life - is this what it feels like?

Solost you're allowed to have a wobbly day. It happens.

It is difficult to mull this stuff over :( I saw my friend do this a lot and it turned out to be a good thing because each time she thought more about it, she thought "he spent x amount of time lying to me.... What else has he lied about?" it took a while to get to that because at the start it was always "no... He's been honest. I know him..." etc. But finally she can now see him for what/how he is... At first she didn't want to admit it because she thought that would have made her seen foolish. :( she now realises that it had nothing to do with her and he could have pulled the wool over anyone's eyes.

Apologies for any typos or horrible grammar. Posting from phone

No, Love, this is not depression, this is understandable sadness.

You wouldn't have been able to have achieved what you have achieved if you were depressed.

January is a horrid month anyway, after the rushing about of Christmas etc, the New Year stretching out before us all...

You telling the teachers would have been enough to knock you down a little as 'telling people' RL people makes it all real, more real than it is here.

Give yourself some time, know that everyone that matters loves you, and you have the support of literally hundreds of good people.

Stay strong, please look into getting a block on the BB/Ex numbers to your phone please, set up the email.

Agree, January is a horrible month and frankly February is worse. Valentine's Day will be a kick in the guts for you (my oh-so-thoughtful ex actually left on Valentine's Day - ruined it for years for me!)

Remember it has only been a few months, not even half a year yet! At this stage, I was still 50:50 over whether I'd take the tosser back (amazingly!) so you are far more advancd down the path than I was. You have to give it a year - it's like a bereavement (only in some ways so much worse because the bastard CHOSE to put you through this) and you have to get through all the significant dates the first time before you can really think - "ok, I've managed all of those, I'm going to be fine"

Also agree that telling teachers etc. can make it all more real - plus sometimes sympathy can be counter-productive.

But in the end, having the bad days, accepting them and allowing yourself to wail your heart out is GOOD for you. You are releasing your emotional stress, rather than bottling it up - that is far better, healthwise, for you.

And get those numbers blocked! Contact exH by email from now on and tell him that it's the only form of contact you are willing to have with him as you are sick of the nuisance calls/texts (DO NOT say "from BB" - allow him to think that you are finding HIS texts/calls a nuisance, which, to be frank, they are).

have another ((hug)) because you sound like you could do with one - and remember - you can do this! :)

Solost it's understandable that you have those days and agree that telling the teachers must have been very hard for you. I don't know if you've ever seen the bereavement cycle? It starts with shock/denial, then anger, then bargaining, then sadness/depression, then acceptance. Some people skip stages, some go through the various stages over and over. The only one that always seems to be left till last is acceptance.

I think while you are still living in the drama, you tend to get stuck. It keeps the true depression/sadness at bay, but it also means that acceptance eludes you.

You'll recognise the shock, denial and anger, the bargaining might be less obvious, but are the "if onlys", the self-blaming, the blaming of the OW, the delusion about his true motives and character etc. Perhaps what happened yesterday was that you finally allowed yourself to step out of the drama and think more critically about what he did to you .

This is a good thing and although I sense that you want to shout at the screen when I keep turning up to tell you what I think he is really like , I do so with the right intentions, because I don't think your interests are best served by thinking that his core values are sound or that he lacks the ability to manipulate.

If you're now stopping and reflecting on what he's like and seeing him with truth and honesty, that's a good, if painful thing to do.

Now that the family events are over for a while, keep going with some more introspection. Writing it all down might help, but if not, your threads will be a good record, but only for the aftermath. You might want to write down the story of the affair, from your perspective. You've obviously been thinking about that in the last couple of days and it might be that in all the drama of coping on your own, you haven't yet processed the feelings of utter betrayal connected to the affair itself.

This process will hopefully lead to some new resolve about formalising your arrangements and detaching more obviously. Around this time, I think it would be worth considering some solo therapy, because before you get to that acceptance stage, you might then hit a wall of sadness and situational depression. Knowing it's coming can help you to prepare for it and therapy can really help.

Thinking of you and rooting for you, as always.

Hi solost - to be honest your responses sound like perfectly natural ones to the situation you have been put in. Like you I had no experience of depression until last year when I was diagnosed with PND after having my second DC. I know the circumstances are completely different but the counsellor I saw told me that their is no difference between depression and pnd, the symptoms are the same, it is just the timing of pnd that gives it its name iyswim.

It is so hard to describe but I feel like I have lost 6 months of my life - sounds dramatic but it has felt like swimming through treacle, constantly struggling and getting nowhere, nothing to look forward to, unable to find joy in anything and going from feelings of utter despair to feeling totally numb and unable to feel anything. Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me but just wanted to share my experience. If you really do feel you could be depressed though please do arrange to see your GP.

As I said before, I hope today is a better day for you x

FANTUS: So sorry you are feeling like this. I can identify with some of your feelings especially the feeling about losing 6 months of your life. In fact I sometimes feel that the last 27 years have been wasted. What was the point of giving my love and loyalty to someone who just threw it back in my face as soon as 'something better' came along. I also (this sounds terrible, I know) regret having the DC's although they keep me going and I love them so much. But I would never have chosen this life, I don't want to be a single parent and I hate the fact they had a full time, hands on dad and now they have a stupid wanker who's in the middle of a mid-life crisis who sees them a couple of times a week.

Sorry for the rant. And hope you start feeling better soon. X

Honey, you need to stop that. I am not being smug, but the one thing I didn't do (once I got better) was regret the 11 years I had spent with my ex.

For one thing, there's no point. They happened - regretting them is futile. For another thing - would you really want to be without your DC? And I think the answer to that would be "no!".

I totally understand where you're coming from - the reminder of him every day, the fact that you can't just cut the ties with him completely but still have to see him because of them, seeing him in their faces, all of that - but still. Regret is an awful waste of energy. So is hate, but we'll stick with regret for now.

Focus instead on the here and now, and the future. Think of all the things you can do now that you couldn't have done before because of your exH. Admittedly you might have to wait a while because of the DC - but on the other hand, you might not! You could paint your bedroom a different colour and be happy in the knowledge that YOU can choose exactly what YOU want without recourse to anyone else!

Single parenthood I cannot comment on as I haven't tried it. I can see why you wouldn't want to be one, such hard work! you're "on" all the time, no one to take the load off you for a while... but again, would you prefer to be without them? Betcha wouldn't.

So... have your thoughts but then put them away from you as a pointless waste of time and energy and focus on the positives instead. In my case, I wouldn't have had the house I got if I hadn't put the time in with my ex - and I adored my house. I wouldn't have been able to afford the various holidays we went on together (he mostly paid as I worked for the NHS) - so I would have missed out on various experiences. I couldn't afford to regret the time - I'd enjoyed most of it!

Sorry if that all sounds a bit "pollyanna" but it really did save me a fair bit of angst and a lot of bitterness.

WWIFN: I think you are right. And it is hard. I read an email that he had sent an ex-colleague the other day, I know I shouldn't have but it was sent on an email account that we both shared. This is what it said "hi xxx glad you and yr family are well, here is anupdate of the disaster of my life. Left (job), met a girl through work, went to (xx) for a demo, went to (xx) with her co for a VIP event, started seeing her as often as I could. Left my family for her in aug. Things so difficult for all concerned. See kids twice a week. I am not proud of what I have done. Hope you too disappointed in me". It just seemed so clinical. I suppose that's as honest perspective as I will ever get from him.

Sorry I am rambling, I think what I am trying to say is, all we had together including the kids and when it came down to it we meant nothing, he didn't even want to try to salvage our family. And he can't even give me a reason why, except his feelings are deeper for her.

Do you think that it's possible to meet 'the love of your life' or 'soulmate' in this way? I feel if that's the case I have been living a lie for the last 27 years. And what's the point of ever getting together with anyone if they can bump into their 'soulmate' and disappear into the sunset.

Sorry for the rant, think I needed to get all this of my chest. Agree with you re the counselling. Am going to sort that out.

Looking forward to your reply.

solost - honest and brutal truth? this woman makes him feel younger again. That's it. Bollocks to the whole "love of your life, soulmate" shite - he's just feeling the release of being with a younger women and without the responsibilities of every day life with a family.

It's so classic, as a symptom of mid-life crisis, it's actually not funny.

He HAS no acceptable reason why he considered his dick above his responsibilities - not one that makes any sense to anyone other than his hormones, anyway. So he's not going to tell YOU that she makes him feel young again, that he can behave as though he doesn't have kids again - you'd go ballistic (rightly so).

Rant away - this is the anger coming out and good for you.

THUMBWITCH: just sent you a long heartfelt post, then the sodding battery ran out on the iPod!!! Have to govout now but will reply later. Just want to say THANK YOU. Don't think I could have go through this without you ladies. X

OFFS, will he ever stop fishing for sympathy?

hope you are not too dissappointed in me, update on the disaster that is my life...

Oh Boo FFing Hoo.....

HE DID THIS, to himself. and He STILL can't take responsibility for it.

What a total loser. really.

And LOL that he sent that from a shared account. Of course he's going to as LMHF says, "fish for sympathy" in an email from this account in the off chance that solost sees it.

Thanks solost, I am so much better now so don't worry about me

And by all means rant away - I think it does you good to get it off your chest and also to remember what an arse he is. You called him a stupid wanker. I think that is the harshest thing I have heard you say about him on this thread. And you're right, he is.

As for the soulmate guff, no I don't believe it at all. I think we are lucky to find someone we are attracted to and share similar values with and you make a decision to be together and work hard to make it work. I agree with everything thumbwitch said. He has copped out and that is why he cannot give you a good enough reason.

And he is still playing the woe is me card to everyone. As LMHF said, HE did this to himself, he is a grown man with free will and these are the decisions HE has made.

Solost No, I don't believe he met his soul mate or the love of his life. I think he was such a pompous prig for years that when he developed a perfectly normal crush in mid-life, he couldn't recognise it as that and instead convinced himself that this "must be love".

Instead of recognising his own human frailty and telling himself that "this too will pass" or better still, taking a relational risk and coming to you to tell you about these strange new feelings, he convinced himself that this love was "bigger than both of them" and that the honest, moral thing to do was to come clean and leave, to be with that "love".

Others' opinions of him are terribly important. I've always suspected that and this is further confirmed by that pathetic E mail to his friend. It would be great if the friend knew him well and challenged him about his actions, but I expect he will offer platitudes, such as there must have been weaknesses in your marriage, or that the OW must be special and we only get one life and all the other dreary cliches people spout, when they really should know better.

I firmly believe this was just a crush that got out of hand, that's all.

However, it is precisely because he is so self-absorbed and pompous that it will take him a long time to recognise all this - far too long for you, Solost.

I genuinely think you need to spend some time going back over the affair, for some lightbulbs to come on. I understand why you haven't done that yet; you have been in crisis mode ever since. You have always thought that he would "come to his senses" and that the re-construction of the affair and your lives leading up to it, could come later.

However, as you may have seen me say on other threads, even if a couple parts, it is terribly important that the one left behind understands what happened to them. That process gives you not just your past back, but also your present and future. Understanding the personality and character traits of the person who has had the affair is essential, because it liberates you from thinking that you could have prevented this happening, either then or in future relationships.

One of the ways I think this process can help you is to let you see your H, the way we do. To see that the lies, deceit and manipulation that were present in the affair, didn't stop when he left.

Counselling would be great, I think.

Hi Solost
I keep checking this thread to see how you're doing because as I said before you're inspiring me to go through my own separation with dignity and grace.

I missed the part where you said the OW was younger than you. If you don't mind me asking, how old is she?

Crikey Solost I cant offer any advice over and above that which you are getting.

I particularly agree with thumbwitchs views on refusing to regret my 17 years with xh and preferring to enjoy the memories of things I would not have had or experienced otherwise.

The cycle WWIFN talks about is very true and I think you are hitting another nasty phase but it will pass and each time you come out of it you will be stronger and further down the road of recovery.

Regarding being a single parent ? Well I never really see myself as a single parent with all the negative connotations that tends to bring but more that I look after my dc and can safely say just over a year on our house is peaceful, happy, calm and overall a nicer place for us all. You are clearly equal to the task of giving your dc those things too.

Keep going Solost as per my name it really does

I second the counselling suggestion from WWIFN. Advice here is all well and good and do keep coming here and chatting to us :) but counselling would be so beneficial.

It is not only for crazy people or those who are depressed or have some sort of "problem". It is just a way to help you see things more clearly and move forward after this affair.
As I have said before on this thread, I think it would be extremely beneficial for you. I think you are handling this so well, but even the strongest person in this situation would benefit from counselling.

xx

STAREXPAT: I think I will sort some counselling, I have a doc's appt tommorrow and will ask to be referred. Thank you.

GETTINGEASIER: Thanks, when I think about it, the house is a calmer, happier place since H left. But it's still quite daunting to think about being a single parent for the rest of my life, I try not tbh. But I know or hope things WILL get better, they can't get any worse can they?

Was shopping with a friend today and she said, talking to you makes me feel so much better about my own life! So I'm providing so kind of service I suppose!

That e-mail sounds like the cheater in the film "Sliding Doors". I understand why he (the film character) kept Telling All to his pub mate - it was needed to tell the story - but for a real person to do this - "total" frankness coupled with utter lack of self-knowledge - is extremely weird.

WANNABEFREE: THanks. She's 36 almost 37, Im 42 so not (that much?) difference but enough for H obviously. Btw I am a "young" 42, people usually think I'm younger! - just thought I'd point that out! I

WWIFN: I'm beginning to know you are right about the crush. Regarding the affair I have spoken to H about what happened several times and he has always been honest and open and answered all my questions re timelines, meetings etc. The only thing he cannot or will not answer is why he started the bloody affair in the first place, the million dollar question I suppose?

Could you give me some advice re working out the 'history of the affair' what questions I need to ask?

Regarding the email, the reply was entirely predictable as you said. 'The second one this week, a friends husband told her he was leaving on new years day! And they say it comes in 3's! Not disappointed, none of my business really. You can't help your feelings. How are the kids? This is from a woman he worked with. Can just imagine her saying 'you can't help your feelings' to her own husband as he abandoned her, can't u?!!!!

THUMBWITCH: im sort of glad I lost this mornings post as it was full of self pity and general wallowing in my misery - a trait I hate in others, but which I seem to have adoped subconciously!

So here's what happened. I lost your post then went for a run, the first time for over a month. Had forgotten how it's sorts your head out, felt much more positive when I got back. Then took a looooong bath, never get to so this with kids - they are always bobbing in and out! Then went out for lunch and shopping with a good friend - bought a totally frivolous and non-essential scarf (6 quid bargin from accesorize) and picked up a paint chart on the way back. I am definately going to redecorate MY room (that part was in the original post!).

So thank you, for letting me wallow in my misery this morning and being a listening 'ear'?? I am feeling much better this evening - not sure how long it will last but enjoying it whilst it does. X