HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

So, so suspicious of "BB couldn't get her arse out of bed" comments. That's the second time he's used that story. It implies she's a slattern who can't hold a candle to the wife - but he is still choosing to make his life with this woman, not the "better" one. He's in a love-nest with his bird, after all, and I bet if he was telling one of his friends (assuming any are still speaking to him) why he was late for a rendezvous he'd have put a completely different slant on why they didn't get up till late; not that this is necessarily any closer to the truth, but tailored to the audience. On the other hand if BB was apologising to her family, for example, for being late would she say "I couldn't be bothered to get up" (unthinkable), "we were too busy wrapped in a gossamer blanket of bliss" (to her parents?!), or the far more likely "OH had a heavy night's drinking so I decided to let him sleep in"?

There are lies, damned lies and half-truths. It's all in how you tell it.

I hate that she is texting you but sadly not surprised. She is clearly a silly tart who deserves nothing but contempt (she has gone way beyond pity). Change your mobile Solo, get one that recieves emails if you are worried about missing messages when the children are with your husband. Inform him all contact needs to be by email. I dont think she will bother to email you and that daft man will soon learn that email works even if you tend to respond when it suits you!!!

I have been troubled by the 'giving him a reaction' but I will apply toddler logic to this.

A toddler needs boundaries. They will however push those boundaries at any opportunity.

I see little difference here. He's pushing his luck, he needs calling to heel. Solo, you do need to tell him off when he is overstepping the line.

I am aghast at the BB sending you messages, WTF is that about, what is she thinking? If that is not rubbing your face in it, what is it?

She is craving drama isn't she? All that time it was a secret, she got her kicks by stealing about and taking him from you and you never knew a thing. Now it's all out in the open, she has lost her edge, her secret. This is to get that guilty pleasure at having been a naughty girl?

Oh FFS. You have to ignore, ignore, ignore, she really doesn't need you to give her the reaction she so craves. Your Ex needed telling off, she needs nothing, you even breathe in her direction, she will have got something out of you, don't give her the satisfaction. Just change the number.

CHANGE THE MOBILE TODAY. I can highly recommend HTC Wildfire, they have everything you need, email, FB, Twitter all can come direct messages to you. Please Solo, for your own safety and sanity, you need to make this break.

She sounds absolutely vile. She definitely enjoys the drama of all of this and I am so glad that you haven't responded to her.

Change your mobile. Today.

Other possibilities of what may be going through BB's mind:

She has got such a distorted picture of you and your marital situation from H that she believes you don't really mind that she's swiped him (although you may be having a little difficulty moving on)

She wants to be able to tell her family she has a good relationship with her OH's "ex", why she even texts her goodnight, isn't that nice! This regardless of how the recipient may actually feel

H is encouraging her to do it because he feels if you two got to be friends everything would be so nice and civilised (or, because he wants you to be wound up by her insensitivity)

She was so drunk that texting her OH's wife seemed like a good idea

Er, I can't actually think of any scenario that paints her as (a) pleasant (b) sane. Actually who cares? It bothers you so she shouldn't be doing it.

.....Another spin on this however is that is it him sending the texts from her phone. I wouldn't put anything past him. I also agree with Annie that although you still seem to enjoy his barbed comments about the OW (and I understand why, you are only human!) it shows him yet again as a duplicitous, disloyal slimebag.

Like I said downthread, I'd have more respect for him if he showed some loyalty to her in front of you, but just as he loves seeing the momentary facial expression on you when he slags her off, he will be doing the same about you to her. It has always been in his best interests to have you two pitted against eachother.

I'm also disappointed he got the reaction he was after from you Solost but I think this is going to go on happening, while the boundaries are so blurred.

You don't of course have to wait until the 30th to start making changes to the way he sees the children and for him to stop coming to the house and treating it like it's still his home. I don't think changing your mobile is going to work either, because he will wheedle the new number out of the DCs. You can block numbers though and deal with everything by E mail though.

I hope today's chat at school was bearable.

LMHF - "He's pushing his luck, he needs calling to heel. Solo, you do need to tell him off when he is overstepping the line."
I agree with this. I said I did. This part I totally agree with. But he is also trying to provoke a reaction. It's a catch 22.

I also agree that changing mobile numbers won't do much. Ignoring the messages is much more powerful than blocking or changing the number. But that may be much more difficult to do.

why did she say "night from us too"? it sounds like you texted him goodnight first and she was using this as a chance to stick the knife in. Apologies if I am wrong on that. If I am wrong then I would imagine she was probably drunk and thought it would be a good idea in some twisted way. I really don't understand why you have her number in your phone at all solost - why don't you block her? that way you will have the satisfaction of knowing that she is unwittingly wasting her time with these little missives of hers.

If my Ex H's OW texted me I'd be livid. Anniegetyourgun's scenarios are probably fairly spot on. Well done for not replying. Get her number blocked if possible imo.

remove her number from your phone and then ignore any unrecognised numbers

it ain't rocket science

Oh I thought it was a typo and "night from us two"

I am confused now

solost, did you send him a "good night" text first ?

AF, no I didn't, just assumed it was a drunken misspell. She has also rung me on H's fone. I never answer when it rings but asked H why he had rung when I asked him not to and he said hadn't. I believed him, why would he lie about that? It's impractical to change my no, I have a small business and so many people have my number. Will block her no and H's to if necessary.

Fair enough - just block her then (and him if he gets too annoying or she starts using his phone or he says she is using his phone).

To me, it sounded as though your H had told her (wrongly) that you were texting him goodnight. She therefore replied sarcastically from her phone. Her aim was to show she "knew" you were texting H and they had no secrets between them.

I can't think of any other reason she'd text you in that way, other than H is playing games with you both.

yup

someone is playing games here

her

him

both of them

who knows ? who cares ?

I agree with Cretaceous. I suspect that's exactly what happened, or it's actually him texting.

Why would he lie, Solost? That's obvious isn't it? He has always wanted you you to think the woman he's living with is a deranged bunny boiler, just like he's always wanted her to think that you were a vengeful wife unwilling to let go. I so wish you'd see him like we do. How did the school go?

OK so if there was a late night text to HIS phone, and he's said to HER that it was Solo saying goodnight... but it wasn't

Could he be doing the double dirty, cheating on the OW already? Oh ha ha ha....

Block the numbers, both of them. If need be block them on the DC phones too and insist on email only between H and Solo only.

Set up a new email account only for that purpose too.

WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS? This behaviour seems mad, almost gaslighting by proxy, is this guy as seriously F*cked up as he is presenting himself? He is a monster isn't he?

Ugh, I could write a book on mobile telephone/home telephone abuse by the old slapper my DH was having an affair with.

She stuck with her partner of some 20 years when the soon-to-be-ex told of his undying love for her and that he had left me and my DD for her . . . her psycho partner called me at home at midnight one evening with all sorts of the most hideous stories and tales. I am ex-directory and I asked him where he had gotten my number. Oh, he'd got all sorts of information about me - some incredibly personal, and my DD (even knew what time her bus to college was) - it was terrifying.

Once I had (stupidly!)taken DH back, the OW then started to try and play mindgames by calling on my mobile - and home phone - telling me I was deluded if I thought I could keep him, to leave her partner alone (what???!!!} and so on.

The police were involved - but that would have meant losing the H his job since they told me they would need his and her laptops, mobile phones etc to check for evidence (she was one of his clients so instant sackable offence). Of course I couldn't risk that so had to let the case drop; the police were disappointed to!. (needless to say he managed to lose this job - and his subsequent one - because of her off his own back.

I changed my mobile number but really resented having to do that.

I had a call from the OW's psycho partner (he threatened me on a number of occasions, hideous person) in November congratulating me for a year of hell without my ex!!

Just ignore her/his silly texts and phone calls - even better, just smile to yourself when the they come and understand how unhappy they must be to do such things, how boring and insecure their lives are

Rock on, Solo x

Wow, what a pair of nutjobs!! In total agreement with all on here - someone's playing games, but really, you're a grown up and you don't need games in your life!

If you can't change your number, then block his AND hers from your mobile, and provide a designated email address for correspondence re: the DC's - getting a Blackberry/HTC that handles email well is a genius ides (can't remember whose!), then he can't use the excuse that he's worried you won't get the messages...

Yes I'd say s/he was either drunk and it was a typo or a game he has played with you both.

Just block both their numbers, will solve the issue in an instant.

How are you solost?

Hi Starexpat, I'm fine, thanks for asking!

I had a really bad day yesterday. Not sure why? Maybe post Xmas blues combined with this dismal January weather. I just kept going over and over H's affair, the way he could deceive me so easily and leave without a backward glance. I have now pulled myself back together, I think? H texted last night to say he had booked his hotel for DD's concert so it appears he is coming. Will have to wait and see whether he actually turns up!

The chat with DC's teachers went ok. Think that could have been another reason for my 'wobble' yesterday?

You are allowed a wobble now and again solost.
You are coping well and being so dignified, l am not sure l could have behaved so well under the circumstances.

Hey Solost, sorry you had such a bad day. You are coping amazingly well in the most awful of circumstances. If I were you I would probably be rocking and sobbing in a corner somewhere - or screaming like a fish wife - probably the latter!

Hope tomorrow is a much better day for you