HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

LIFEMOVESON: Thanks, I know what you mean. The other day a (old) guy at the gym asked me if I had lost weight/been dieting, and I said 'yeah, it's called the husband traded me in for a younger model diet!!' poor bloke couldn't get away quickly enough!

LMHF: thank you. It's DS's birthday party today andlast night H informed me that he would be bringing BB (not to the party) dropping her at a nearby hotel then picking her up afterwards WTF???? Seems I have own personal stalker! H asked for suggestions we he could leave her!!!! I suggested mcdonalds.

Where he could leave her - sorry, bloody iPod

Ha ha at MAcDonalds and well done for not mentioning the local dog pound! Although I would have been tempted. Although - and I know we all sound like broken records - you shouldn't have suggested anything at all, just said it's none of your business where he leaves her and you couldn't care less.

I hope the party goes well and she doesn't decide to turn up - that would be despicable. If she does turn up, tell her firmly that she was not invited, that she is not part of your DS's family or friends group and she has to leave immediately. Be as civil as you can but firm.

One tiny thought about information going round a staff room.

At any point you feel that you or your DCs/family are being compromised, remember that teachers and other professionls have a duty to maintain confidentiality in their work.

When you speak to the school, it might be worth casually mentioning that of couse everything that you discuss with them is confidential and that only those who need to know should be told. You don't need to give them any details. The majority of it is none of their business. Don't feel that you need to justify anything you are telling them. The day to day events are of no consequence to the teachers. Its not relevant to their work with your DCs.

I also think that you do need to keep a degree of distance from your MIL. She does sound very kindly, but this is still her DS and blood ties will always trump those of marriage - in my experience.

(LOL at McDonalds!)

Left with mouth open here, not for the first time, at H's bare cheek. He's asking his wife for suggestions on where his mistress should stay, while he attends a family do? Why the (will you excuse me swearing at this point?) fuck does he run these things past you? What planet is he on? What next, is he going to invite you to help him shop for presents for her? It is but a short step.

Not to disagree in principle with Thumbwitch but I think your suggestion was a good one, as it was clearly not serious and shows in a witty way that you weren't engaging in the question. You do need to bat him off every time he tries to drag you in, but no reason to always be po-faced when you do it. "The dog pound" (hee hee) would have been something he could take home to BB to show what a bitch the "ex"-wife is, whereas Macdonalds is just subtle enough not to count.

Annie - you're right, it was a good suggestion. I suppose I was thinking more that it might be worth developing a Pavlovian response to any mention of BB so that it becomes automatic - every time she crops up in conversation. Then, if Solost's H gets the exact same response every time, he might get the point that it's not worth mentioning her.

Although (and forgive me for thinking "out loud", as it were) - there will come a point where Solost will need to hear about BB - whenever her H decides that the DC "need" to meet her.

Hmm. Not sure now. Need other input!

Still LOL at MacDonald's though - that was inspired.

I am aghast at the idiocy of this prick.

Why the F does he INSIST on involving this woman in conversations with you?

Solo, have you actually said 'Look, I do NOT want to be involved in the ins and outs of your relationship with your mistress. I could genuinely care less where you leave her, or if you ever bothered to pick her up again after. Do NOT bring her to my attention again, do NOT involve me in conversations about her again, or you will sour the tenuously cordial relationship that currently exists between us.' Tell him that every time you have anything to do with him, he has to bring her into the conversation, either to moan about her, try to get the situation to be under HER conditions, or with HER approval.

Tell him that he needs to understand one thing. That YOU DON'T CARE about her opinion, it is not relevant to any part of your life, nor that of the DC.

She is not YOUR problem, she is HIS problem and as such he is ON HIS OWN as far as she is confirmed.

If you feel the need, tell him it's a deal breaker and if he insists in rubbing your face in it, then you will go contact centre for all access.

Huge threat, but ought to put his stupid thoughts into some kind of focus.

Then, If you happen to be on the phone and he starts to talk about her, about how she is unhappy about this or trying to get him to do that, as soon as the conversation heads off in that direction, without hesitation, terminate the call.

If you are face to face, change the subject, a hefty and uncomfortable, "ANYWAY, not of any interest to me, Change the subject please."

Broken record.

He's still checking for a reaction, isn't he. That's why he keeps bringing BB into things - to see if Solost rises to it, then he can tick the "she still cares about me" box for that conversation.

(LMHF - are you American? I didn't think/know that you were, just your use of "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less" made me wonder)

No, am not american... Shite, is that an americanism? Gah! lived abroad for a few years, could have picked it up there... I blame Rachel Ray... for many things, so may as well tack this on to the end. Actually No, DR PHIL!! It was HIM I tell you!

In future I will use I genuinely couldn't care less....

I will hand myself to the Pedant Police forthwith

Hoping they will not be too harsh on me...

"William and Mary Morris, for example, in the Harper Dictionary of Contemporary Usage, back in 1975, called it ?an ignorant debasement of language?

My first ex used to behave a little similar to this, in that he would bring OW into conversation, ask my opinion on gifts for her, tell me their plans, speak disparagingly or her, he even wished that I would take her shopping for clothes as he didn't like her style I didn't of course, I kept firmly out of it but I do think he talked about her and their situation because in some warped way it made him feel less guilty, he wanted my approval and for me to accept 'them' because that made him feel better about being with her and what he had done to me. If I had got involved by giving my opinion and passing comment then he would have got what he seemed to desperately need. So I stayed firmly the hell out of it!

"H asked for suggestions we he could leave her!"

He was probably hoping you would flinch and betray yourself at the term "leave her"....

Good answer. Sharp, but does not sound hurt. You are too right to be annoyed and flippant!

AHEM Thumbwitch. American here. An American who would never ever say "could care less" as it is not grammatically correct!
:)

Agree, he's looking for a reaction from you, solost.

Macdonalds - respect sister!!!!

Just thought I would keep the line of slang going!

Hope all goes well at the school tomorrow; don't forget that a) they will have had a lot of experience of this (sadly) b) their only interest is the well being of your children and c) I am willing to bet that if they have any other thoughts they will be about admiration of you

X

Yes, I did at McDonalds, too! What a great response. Cool, calm, collected and he still knows she's not welcome there. Perfect :)

If he brings her - he is the biggest prick in the world and if he blames it on her having a strop, that is total BS.

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments.

Well DS's party was great, we went karting and he said afterwards it was the best party he had ever had.

I had a crap time, H turned up 10 mins late, BB couldn't get her arse out of bed apparently. I saw her drop him off through the window. I was completely civil but felt really hurt, when do I stop feeling like this?Feel strong and then on days like this I seem to go backwards again.

When we left the party, DS asked where Daddys car was? How he had got there and I had to tell him.

Afterwards I sent h a text, thanking him for attending his sons party but that I felt that he had treated me and DS cruely and insensitively by bringing BB to what was a family party to which she was not welcome.

I then said if he continued to insist rubbing my nose in Then he would not be invited to any more events. Probably not the right thing to do but it kind of made me better to vent my spleen.

He sent a text back later saying 'you were right, I am sorry, will make seperate arrangements in future'

Was talking to DC's later re: any questions about daddys gf, DS asked if we were going to live in poverty now!!!! And whether he would have to meet daddys gf. I asked if he wanted to and he said 'no way' middle DD said 'never' and littlest DD said 'yes please!!!'

I think Good Call! He needed to be told that actually he is only a member of the family unit BY INVITATION, that he has lost his automatic right.

good for you. stick to your guns!

Glad the party was great :)

Well, H has gotten a reaction.... I know you don't want to hear that. Your text was fine and definitely let him know that he needs to be invited, but :( he's gotten a reaction from you, which he has been wanting.... Any morsel of evidence that you care about him/his new relationship.

So sorry if that sounds harsh. I do realise that it's hard, though and it hurts. :(

StarExpat - I think I love you! But it is a common mistake by some Americans, I am glad you aren't one of them. :)

Solost - you absolute STAR! Well done, and I agree, you needed to say it. He really does need to know that he is only there because he's been invited and you showed that well. How very bloody rude of him, I have to say! Did he have to wait to be picked up by her as well, or did he make his own way home?

Glad your DS had a great time and interesting responses from the DC re meeting BB. I think you'll need to play that by ear for now - your DD2 might not really realise what she's asking for just yet.

It is entirely natural for you to feel even more shit at events like this. It's because a part of your brain is still going "oh look, it's just like we're all together again" and then the realisation hits again that you're not. And all of this can be in your unconscious mind and you just cop the biochemical fall out from it. but you will be back on an even keel again tomorrow, I'll bet.

For future, perhaps leave out the emotive side of how you think he has behaved and concentrate on his supreme lack of manners and civility.

Solo - I think you did the right thing sending the text. He needed to be told, you needed to vent, and hopefully it will reinforce to him that, as others have said, he now only has the right to attend family events 'by invitation'.

LMHF, SOC, Thumbwitch and Starexpat: Thanks for your comments. Glad you think I did the right thing resending the text (except Starexpat - I do see where you are coming from). I am feeling better this morning as you wisely predicted. However, BB has taken it upon herself to send me texts on an evening. I received another from her last night, they just say 'nite from us too xx????? Have ignored them so far, should I have a word with H?

Btw H was waiting for us to leave the partybefore contacting BB for his lift back.

And am sure DD2 had no idea what she was asking re last nights discussions about BB!

NO - do NOT have a word with your H about the texts from BB. PLEASE just change your mobile number. I know you think your H needs to be able to contact you, but he doesn't - not by mobile. I presume you have a landline? If not, the DC have mobiles, don't they? So he can always phone those.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE change your mobile number.

She's vile - trying to involve you in her little drama. You are doing so well to not engage. She's trying to get a reaction because your ex spent the day with his family.

My girls ( 6 & 9) are looking forward to meeting the OW as well, I'm in a similar situation and I know that ex is talking about them meeting her because I have detached from him, her and the drama of their affair - and it's the only way he can hurt me now.

I just smile sweetly when the girls are telling me how the 4 of them are going to visit the museum and tell them that sounds lovely.

sorry solost to be a bit negative on that. I do think that letting him know that he needs to be invited to things like that and not assume he's part of it was very necessary and good that you did it (as I said before).

I just think the "rub my nose in" comments and such - while it's great to vent, it sadly gives him a reaction and some fulfillment that you still care about what he's doing. Sorry for that.

I agree not to talk to him about BB's texts. What other things does she text about? The one you have posted about seems like she's really insecure and just wants you to be sure that they are together, do things as a couple...etc. I would totally ignore her because you don't care about their life.

It is infuriating, though. Stay strong x