HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Happy Birthday to your DS, Solost :) I hope it all goes well for him today.

Your poor mother. I hope she's feeling better now. How responsible of your DD to ring you. Is your job really flexible? Good that you could get to her.

Will H be gracing you all with his presence today as it's DS' bday?

Happy birthday, Solo's DS. Hope you ALL have a happy day (not including the twunt, of course).

Sorry to hear your mum's poorly, speedy recovery for her.

Keep smiling, kiddo - you're getting there xx

FANTUS, STAREXPAT, LIFEMOVESON: DS had a lovely birthday thanks. H came over and we took DCs bowling and out for tea. The DCs and H seemed to have a good time. I find the family days like this hard but DCs wanted us both to go bowling so we did.

Mum seems better in herself too, although she looks like she's gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson!

I am glad your DS had a lovely birthday and all the children enjoyed it. How is your DD coming along? has she opened up any more about stuff yet?

I am not sure what the protocol is now, regarding what the DC want vs your preference for days out. It's beyond my experience - but I can't help feeling that you having to walk over hot coals to keep them happy all the time is perhaps a step too far? Perhaps someone else who split with DC has a better idea of how far you can take the self-subjugation and can give you better advice?

Hope your mum recovers well - arnica cream might help with the bruising.

Have you got everything together for your meeting with the solicitor on Monday? I expect it's weighing a little heavy on you - but be strong, remember the shit things he's done to you, stay angry and get good advice based on ALL the bollocks he's put you through since August.

SOLOST: I'm yet another stalker of your thread, and had to put my 2 cents in...

You are AMAZING. I don't know how I would cope if it were me in this crappy situation, but you're clearly incredible, and you should never forget that!

I also want to add that your excellent "therapists" on here are ALL right about your husband, and his manipulations, and the danger of bringing the blame solely to the doorstep of the OW (not that she isn't a total and utter bint for her role in this - she IS).

The O2 trip needs to be taken as though you're going on your own to see your daughter - make all provisions for yourself and your child, and if your H decides to come, it has to be off his own back, with his own arrangements so that he can't blame you if he suddenly decides not to rock up for some reason.

I would also seriously consider formalising visitation/custody arrangements. If you don't want to limit unduly when or how many times he can visit, then put something in writing about him being able to see the kids whenever he wants, provided he gives adequate notice (maybe 3 days) and provided the visit takes place in neutral territory (i.e. NOT in the house that you're trying so desperately to make a home that doesn't have his presence, or indeed in the loveshack he's set up with the cow).

I also agree with changing your mobile number - if the kids have mobiles, he can contact them individually. If he needs to talk to you, he can call on the landline (leaving message if you're out) or email you. There is NO need for him to have direct access to a personal number for you, and CERTAINLY no need for him to be texting you outside of "office hours".

I would also like to add that, while I try not to be a generally sweary person, your H is total twatfest, wanker and knob and you are WELL out of it.

From what I saw with friend - she did this at first, dc wanted them to spend some time all together, so they had days out, movie nights...etc at first, and his visits with the DC continued to be in her home and he'd make himself very much at home during that time, sometimes taking a nap, but she realised after a while that this actually wasn't for the best for the dc, and H took them out for the day, and eventually, he now keeps them overnight for one night per week.

At first kids were confused and thought that maybe they could get their parents back together, even, since they would still spend family time together. The dc didn't understand that things were different now. This made it a little bit harder as they struggled to understand what was actually going on (kids similar ages to yours).

She eventually learned that she could keep things civil (not be unkind or hostile in front of kids at all), but not fool the kids into thinking that their family life was the same as it was before. Because it wasn't. It had changed. She had to accept that herself before allowing her and H to make it clear to the DC.

Your situation is so strikingly similar. It's so eerie to me!

I don't think I've explained this very well... maybe one of the other more wise ones can say it better?

STARExPAT: I know all the ' family' stuff will have to stop eventually but for example, the bowling outing yesterday, the DC's wanted us both to go - I did make ahalfhearted attempt to get out of it but didn't want to appear churlish in front of DC's. I really don't know what to do in these situations so just follow my instincts!

BROWNBUG78: Thanks for your support. I am taking your (and everyone elses) advice re the o2 trip, am sorting myself and letting DD give H the ticket.

THUMBWITCH: DD still not opened up. She seemed ok with H yesterday but when I asked her to tidy her toys before he arrived she said "why, we don't have to do anything for him anymore". I think she is angry with him but can't express herself ATM.

Mum is a bit better today, took her to the supermarket! But her face looks terrible! Will pass on the arnica top - thank yoou!

With regard to the solicitors appt, am nervous but do need to know where I stand. I suppose sometimes the things you dread the most turn out not to be as bad as you expect. Thanks for your support. X

can I suggest that you change your name to SoloStar?

I think you are completely awesome and have dealt with all this with great dignity and intelligence.

You are doing really well solo. You seem so much stronger and clearer than when you started posting. You will get even more as times goes by.

Just keep following your instincts and keep coming back here for advice. Apart from seeming a little soft towards your ex they have served you well so far.

How you doing solo? Hope dc are happily back into term time routine. Now is a very good time to start a seeing dad routine too. I can't remember (and brain still like mushy banana from flu so can't read lots) do you work? How is coping with all the day to day stuff going?

Solost I continue to be in awe of your strenght and dignity. It might be that your daughter does not want to open up and express her feelings because she doesn't want to upset you.

Evening solost - how have things been today?

I apologise for my sweary rant the other day - I am blaming my foul mood on severe sleep deprivation (thanks DD) I stand by everything I said though

Are you all set for your appointment on Monday? Does H know you are going? Have you told him yet about your O2 plans? (nosey emoticon)

I hope your DC's are all ok - and your mum is feeling better - I agree about the Arnica, it is great for bruising. You can get it in tablet form as well.

Keep that chin up - your still doing great x

Hi there everyone. Hope you are all ok. Didn't post yesterday due to work/dentist appt then housewarming party at friends house. All went ok apart from littlest dd crying for one and a half hrs before I went out because she was scared i wouldn't come back.

My solicitors secretary phoned to say she wouldn't be able to see me on Monday as she was in court. The next date which we are both available is the 31 jan.

And I found out that my 'separation' is the talk of the staff room due to MIL telling one of the nursery teachers (she used to help out there) and said teacher telling all and sundry in the staff room! I found out from a friend who works as a teaching assistant there.

Any advice on how to tackle this? Am not happy at all but unsure whether to speak to MIL or school re this. Was going to speak to DCs teachers anyway.

Solost do you mean that you've never informed the school before about your separation? They absolutely need to know, so that they can offer pastoral care to the DCs if needed and also to cut them a bit of slack if they are behaving out of character.

WWIFN: I didn't inform them as the dc's didn't know until the Xmas hols either. Was going to inform them this week, but due to burst pipe/flooding problems they didn't go back til yesterday and you know how busy 1st day back is. Am going in to see them on Monday.

I don't think it a case 'oh never guess solost separated' more of the case 'can you keep an eye out on Solost children' because xyz.

As WWIFN said so they can offer help if any of you dc children are upset/angry.

Solo - you are doing great. I would not bother yourself about the staffroom chat. Chances are it is 'kind' chat, and if not who gives a stuff anyway.

31 Jan is a long time away, is this solicitor someone you are especially keen to see or is it worth trying to get an appointment with another one? To be honest it is probably worth seeing a couple anyway and then picking the one you get on best with.

As a teacher I can assure you that in most schools the staffroom chat would be to watch out for your DC so they can offer TLC and defuse any problems quickly knowing the possible cause behind them.

You are doing brilliantly Solost.

lIZZIESMUM/DONTDISS: You're probably right. It's just I'm a private kind of person and hate being the subject of gossip.

Regarding the solicitor, she's supposed to specialise in this kind of situation and was recommended to me so will wait to see her. H's has reiterated that he will continue to pay the mortgage and all bills and I still have full access to his/our joint account (none of my wages get paid into it) and he has been true to his word so far. So I don't see any problem in waiting tbh.

NORFOLKNCHANCE: thank you for your reassurance.

Another teacher here, solost. I second Norfolk's post. It will definitely be talk about how kids are doing/can we support them/ should we do anything/say anything to solost? Poor her. What an arse of a husband. I can't think of any other comments that might come up. Also, they won't be spending a great deal of time talking about it because there is always a lot of other stuff going on in a school :)

I wouldn't say anything to MIL if she's a sensitive person - you need to maintain their support and it's possible that the person who told you doesn't know for sure the root of it.

I know I keep going on about my friend who was in your situation (nearly exactly and it's still so weird to me!), but her DC spilled some information at school and she never knew about it (still doesn't!). She told kids to say nothing at school, but they did and when she asked them if they said anythign at school, they said "no" (typically they are honest honest kids whom she trusts completely and "knows" they aren't lying to her...). Anyway, they told some very private things at school and only I was asked about it as we are friends. It wasn't gossip or talked about further.

Also, she was embarrassed about it - even though she shouldn't have been (and knows that now),... he's the one who should feel embarrassed! She didn't want anyone to know what had happened (also a private person). It just takes time.

All of these feelings are perfectly normal. But please know and be assured that no one thinks any less of you because of this. If anything, if they know you are rid of him/separated, then they will think very highly of you for being so strong and not putting up with his sh*t

STAREXPAT: Thanks. My and your friends situations are eeirily similar. I felt exactly as she did. Ashamed, although I know I shouldn't, I just hate the thought of being judged by people who don't know me and having my personal life discussed. Although I am an outgoing person, I like my personal life kept personal!

Thanks for your support. X

Solo, I was exactly the same, am a very private person. But I got to the point where I started to pre-empt people's questioning looks and telling them my whole sorry story. Eeek, I'm mortified now to think I was like that for a few weeks.

But it was the feeling of embarrassment and humiliation I think that made me like that.

So over that now, all my friends said to me in the early days (when I used to worry what people were thinking) that no-one would be pitying, tutting or thinking badly of me, just the opposite in fact.

And you know what, they were absoutely right!

If the solicitor isn't available till the 31st and you are keen to stick with them, then it's only another few weeks away. This time of the year really is one of their busiest so chances are you might not get an earlier appointment with another solicitor anyway.

Keep the faith

Honey, no-one is going to judge you.

If they knew half of what you have been through they'd be wanting to thump your ExH.

Sad to hear about the solicitor, but everything happens for a reason. By then you will be 3 weeks stronger than you would have been on the 10th....

keep your chip up, you have done nothing to be ashamed of, far from it, you are an inspiration!