HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

FAKEPLASTICTREES: Do I have the tickets? Bloody hell no, kids arn't even back at school yet. Am tempted to get just 1 ticket and tell him they're sold out tbh!

PERFECTSTORM: Not an adrenalin junkie at all! Don't think its him creating the drama. He told me ages ago that she wasn't happy with us travelling together. She wanted us to travel/stay separately unless MIL chaperoned us??? ffs??? Told him then to sort her out and let me know what he was doing and now it seems she's kicking off again.

FAKEPLASTICTREES: We were travelling together to save petrol/wear and tear on cars. We are 300 miles from London and I have never driven that far/to London before. But I will do it alone - if I have to.

WANNABEFREE: Have booked own arrangements only. H will have to sort himself out!

MSBOOGIE: Am sure BB was behind the text. He NEVER texts so late - is totally unlike him and we havent even discussed the O2 trip for a couple of weeks now. Also I have been getting a few calls from him over the last 3 days - the phone rings then stops. Have asked him about these too - he never calls then cuts of without answering - he says he never made them?

KIRLYOVIE: He can sneak around as much as he likes! Its our daughter and any 'ishoos' they have about him coming along will have to be sorted out between them. I will point this out to him when I next speak to him - I will not sneak around - I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end!!

TRIBPOT: Haven't booked his hotel room! Stopped being his 'secretary' the day he left!! Tbh. the travelling thing was just for practical reasons - why take two cars on a 600 mile round trip when one will do?

WWIFN: DD does still want him to come. We always go together to these things to support DC's and I don't really see why that should stop. Don't really want DC's to see us fighting and hating each other and think surely we can be civil in front of them? But sometimes......

Remember always solost you only have his word for what is, and isn't, her causing the drama. You don't have to assume he's the 'victim' here.

But why would you take either car into London? Wouldn't it be easier to get the train? Preferably a different one from him!

I was going to say train is the way forward......so much easier. Quicker too.

Solost I wasn't suggesting that you shouldn't attend these events as parents; I think you should. But travelling together and staying in the same hotel seems wholly unnecessary.

Like the others have said, you could get the train, perhaps take a trusted girlfriend with you (or your Mum or MIL) and have a lovely night in a hotel.

From BB's point of view, I'm not surprised she's uncomfortable about this, probably because she's realising what a spineless idiot she's involved with. I would understand it if she wanted him staying elsewhere from you. However, yet again you only have his word for it that she is kicking off, or his word that he sent that text to appease her. Nearer the time of course, he will tell her that you are kicking off about it and threatening to use the children against him, if he refuses to share a hotel with you.

Please stop seeing him as a victim of a volatile, unstable woman. He is manipulative to the core. I'm astonished that you are still blaming her for this latest stunt and not him. It's as though the pre-Christmas "nervous breakdown" charade never happened and I so wish that this had been your waterloo moment when you finally saw him in his true colours, but sadly not .

She may be fussing about the concert..etc but I'm sure your H enjoys it, tbh - to have her fighting for his attention... Even if he plays off being annoyed by her.
It's good that you aren't fighting for his attention as well - his ego might explode from being boosted so much you're doing brilliantly!

If giving him his ticket, as others have suggested (best solution to this, it seems), please hand it over, don't post it. If you want to post it, you will need to ask his address. He has moved jobs and moved house, so you would have to ask. And your asking would give him the opportunity to feel wanted/refuse/string you along/make a statement about how "well/badly" he is living with his girlfriend.

Too much engagement, any of it, and creates the space for too much to go wrong (see the headline: My Tickets Lost In Post Hell, Says Sad Dad).

CAn't he sort out his own ticket? Surely he can ring the school reception and get it sent? And while he's there, he ought to give his new contact details to them, too - for emergencies etc, and not because it will prick his conscience yet again, of course

As others have said give him his tickets as and when you have it.

I would also be inclined not to tell him which hotel you have booked as the last thing you need is him wanting a late night chat and being drawn into his game again.

Actually, I would be inclined to now have a go at him.

How bloody DARE you text me in the wee small hours over something that (a) is months away and (b) so NOT at all complicated?

TELL HIM that YOU are going to the concert. YOU have your accommodation booked and are going alone. HE can arrange his own trip there if he wants to, but not if it's too much hassle. You can tell him that you will be at the event in good time and might see him there.

TELL HIM that you never EVER want to be involved in his personal life, in the trials and tribulations of him and his OW are entirely inconsequential to you and irrelevant. Tell him that you consider him texting you in the middle of the night a gross intrusion.

Only family/dire emergency warrants a middle of the night text, and HE is NEITHER.

Get yourself a new phone Solo, cut this fucker's communication off to when it suits YOU.

Gloves OFF now.

I'd agree you need to get the train, not drive. The O2 does have ok parking, but that part of london isn't the best to drive round if you're not confident. There's a tube station at the o2 so it's v easy to get to on public transport.

Get 2 tickets as soon as you can, get a ticket to him relatively soon, ideally having booked your train ticket and tell him that if he wants to get the train, you'll tell him which one you're getting, but otherwise, you're sure he can sort himself out.

Tell him he's not to call after the DCs bedtime and before 8am unless it's an emergancy. Texts are similar. If he thinks of something in the middle of the night, he can type out the text, but not send it until the morning - you don't want to be woken up by him.

I will repeat my previous suggestion on this matter - when the DC go back to school, find out if they need any extra parent volunteers to travel with the children on the coach/train whatever and offer your services.

Failing that, I would definitely opt for going by train. It will give you a chance to catch up on some reading (whether light or heavy is up to you!)

Now for some arse-kicking: as others have said, you are still, in your mind, allowing him to be a good guy. You are still blaming BB for any of his shit. THIS HAS TO STOP.
It might be at her instigation BUT it is how he chooses to respond to it that determines how much of a knobcheese tosser he actually is - and so far, it's an enormous one. HE IS MAKING THE DECISIONS, not her.

Tell him if he wants to get a ticket to the concert at the O2, it's up to him - give him the contact details to obtain one. Tell him that any arrangements to travel and stay over are his business, not yours. YOU are sorting yourself out, HE can do the same. There need be no further conversation about it between you - he can tell his DD that he will or won't be there, that's his responsibility.

And please - start corresponding by email, not text. And KEEP them all. Good idea to get a new phone - you're getting harassment calls now, so ditch the old one. Switch it off. Lose it. Stamp on it. Drop it down the loo. Any or all of the above - but get a new number.

Keep going - you're doing great - remember for every small slip backwards you will take strides forwards. :)

"find out if they need any extra parent volunteers to travel with the children on the coach/train whatever and offer your services."

I can't imagine anything worse... what a huge headache that would be! I'm a teacher and I know that even a short trip can be extremely tiresome and loud... this trip sounds extra exciting...
Solost I wouldn't recommend this, but I can see Thumbwitch's point and it makes sense. Also agree with her arse kicking comments :)

Happy new year Solost!

How annoying for you all that Ex is not even content to let DD have her moment in the spotlight without letting his dramas and tantrums overshadow it- well done you for not getting drawn in to it.

Does your DD actually still want Ex to attend the concert? If so , can you just pass him the ticket and make no plans at all to meet him at any point-don't even mention it, don't plan to include him in the meal or anything else; if he asks what your plans are tell him you'll have to run his suggestions past DD as you were both under the impression he wasn't coming now.

I can understand that the travel may be nerve-wracking- could you get a third ticket for your mum or MIL/FIL, depending on who is babysitting? You could travel together, stay in the hotel together, and leave Ex to his own devices. Don't respond to his second text, and if he mentions meeting up etc just tell him you made other plans once you'd received his first message.

They're all right (too many lovely ladies to list!) - he is NOT your responsibility now. You are a fab single lady with great kids doing her own thing. He can sort out his own ticket, hotel etc.

Don't tell him where you are staying - have forgotten if you are taking other dcs but if not, this is an ideal time to maybe have a night out - get thee on Match.com for a date, even - just for practice and a laugh, or take a friend and have a night out somewhere.

BTW, do you need to have your phone on in evenings, etc for any particular reason? If not, get in the habit of turning it off at 6pm then on again in working hours. He does not need to intrude on you and all this is stopping you from cutting ties with him and moving on to a better place. Check out the fab and glam thread if you don't believe this place exists!

Starexpat - I totally understand your point about the nightmare that is a school trip - just thought it would be one way round SOlost having to travel by herself if she was at all nervous about it!

Make your own arrangements.

Your daughter is the star of this day.

It is not about him. He is already making it all about him and stealing her limelight. He is a grown man ffs and he can't even let a child have her day in the spotlight as the centre of your attention.

Do not wait for him to decide if he is/is not going with you in a car.

He could well pull out of any arrangements the day before or the day of the travel leaving you scrabbling around to sort it then (because OW has kicked off again, not just because he is a git).

He is the one who text you not her. He could have said no but he decided doing what she wanted was again more important. Can you see this yet?

Yes, Xales is right, I could well see him pulling out of the travel arrangements at the last minute. Or at the least threatening to, creating drama etc. Much simpler all round just to book a train ticket and then you know where you are. If you're worried about navigating public transport in London, trust me: (a) driving is much worse and (b) we can find a friendly MNer to help you in person if need be! Plus, depending on which station you'd be coming into you can pretend to be Harry Potter and run at full pelt into the wall that leads to Platform 9 3/4 (Yes I know this is tragic, I always think about it when I come into Kings Cross although so far I have not actually gone through with it!)

this may be harsh to your dd but why not .... if you are getting him a ticket (but leaving him to organise his own travel etc)....let your DD give him the ticket personally.

This way a) she will know he got it ... not "lost in the post" or "your mum didn't give me one" if he changes his mind at the last minute.

b)he will know that she is FULLY AWARE that his decision to travel etc is entirely up to him and no one else so if he lets her down he has no place to hide

I agree that that might be a good idea. Bluntly, it's the best guarantee you have that he'll actually go, as he will be personally disappointing her.

I'm concerned that if you start setting up formal mediation app'ts etc he is likely to start playing silly bggrs again. And this trip will be a perfect way to punish you if he can avoid thinking about what that will do to dd. She gives the ticket and he can't do that.

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. Am typing this on dc's iPod as computer is bust - everything breaks at the same time doesn't it?! Have had the day from hell today, went to work early as it's ds's bday tommorrow and had to get his prezzies without him. Left dc's with mum, got an emergency phone call halfway through shift from dd, nanas fallen over (playing cricket FFs!) banged her head and is feeling faint/dizzy can I come back please? So rushed home, spent afternoon in casualty (mum ok - her hand worse than her head!) took dd dancing, did tea etc. Anyway just sat down, had nothing but kids leftovers to eat all day!

Rant over! The joys of being a single parent!

H texted all day, have ignored them all. Haven't had chance to even if I wanted to!

Got to go wrap dc's presents now before collapsing into bed!

Thanks again for your comments and support. Will let dd give h the concert ticket, think it's a great idea.

Sorry you had a crap day and I hope your mum is OK.

Have a great day tomorrow and the DS loves his pressies.

What an awful day. However, you coped, you did everything you needed, and you survived it all on your own. Go superwoman!

Oh no - hope your Mum is fine. How upsetting and stressful for you all, though. Hope you sleep well, and tomorrow is a good day.

Hope you are feeling better after a good sleep.

Morning solost and a belated happy new year to you and your DC's. Out with the old and in with the new

I hope DS has a fantastic birthday and your mum is feeling better.

I just wanted to add my agreement to what everyone else has already said (especially LMHF and thumbwitch)

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job as always in a shitty situation. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for. Please do not forget who is responsible for all of this. Your fuckwit H who continues to try and manipulate you and draw you into his sorry saga. How very fucking dare he use what should be an exciting and wonderful time for your DD and turn it into a poor little me, look what BB is making me do drama. Tell him to fuck off. You don't care what BB has said or how he feels about it. You only care that he be there. And if he isn't, HE can sit and explain to DD why he won't be. Yes let her give him the ticket, I wouldn't even tell him how I was getting there or where I was staying. None of his fucking business. Sorry, he has mightily pissed me off again