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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

930 replies

solost · 19/12/2010 19:11

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 14:11

Nothing to add to the excellent advice, Solost, except I hope your dd does wonderfully and you can enjoy being a proud mum.

StarExpat · 03/01/2011 14:34

But remember, if he decides to come with you after all or tells you that he just told BB how it is or whatever, don't buy it! Ive seen that before. It would just be manipulative ploy to give you hope that he's really a good guy and puts you first. Don't fall for it if this does happen (not saying it will... Just be prepared)

Original poster
solost · 03/01/2011 16:09

UPDATE: Received another text at lunchtime. Sorry about text last night, [bb] going on at me all day about it and sent you text to shut her up. Am still coming with you. Will sort everything out.

Have not replied.

Have booked hotel and travel arrangements. I can do this alone. (DD travelling with school, staying in seperate hotel etc. - school not keen on parents staying in same hotel for obvious reasons).

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 03/01/2011 16:18

OMG well done you solo!!!

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 03/01/2011 16:32

So he texted you out of the blue and in the early hours of the morning to cancel a long-standing arrangement affecting your children, and causing you great upset and stress. And he breezily announces now that he just did it to placate his mistress? And that you can revert back to the previous plan?

He really is the most thoughtless knobber isn't he?

gettingeasier · 03/01/2011 16:32

Go girl go !

ifiwereanewyearmillionaire · 03/01/2011 16:40

Lurker on your threads and also so inspired by you and how you are handling this terrible situation.

I can't believe he is trying to manipulate you...his BB... and trying to involve you in sneaking behind her back likeyo are smehow "partners", "in it together" against his controlling, nagging OW!

That mans manipulation and self serving twattishness knows no bounds

ifiwereanewyearmillionaire · 03/01/2011 16:42

sorry posted in haste and didn't spell check Blush

TheCrackFox · 03/01/2011 16:51

He is the most self obsessed fucker isn't he?

Either ignore his text (my preferred option) or text back and tell him it might be better if he stayed in another hotel.

He is enjoying the power he has over you and BB. What a prick!

StarExpat · 03/01/2011 16:57

I can't believe I saw this coming. What a jerk. I just wrote a reply but now can't see it Confused anyway, this is manipulation. To keep you hanging in there thinking that he will always be there/ do the right thing/ is a good guy after all and it's BB who is the problem. Glad you're not falling for it. :)

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/01/2011 17:37

Wanker. Angry

But Solost, it's not a good idea that this arrangement goes ahead anyway. It's not going to help you detach from him if you spend a night with him under the same roof and it's probably going to be very confusing for your DCs. Can PILS take his room?

Does your DD want him to come, given that she's the one who has withdrawn the most since the news? If she'd rather he wasn't there, respect that. If she wants him there, she's old enough to understand that you would find it too difficult atm spending that much time with him, but you're happy to be in the audience with him.

It deserves repeating....Wanker Angry

perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 17:42

Honestly, I think a reply saying:

I think [BB] has a point. Boundaries are important for the children if they are to adjust to the changed situation, and I agree that meeting at the O2 and a celebratory meal after is a better idea. A shared hotel at this point would not be in their interests.

Seriously, I think a family outing like that would be really awful for them. And if he pulls this crap and keeps getting away with it, then he's going to keep on doing it. This and the telling the kids - how can he do this to you? To them?

perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 17:43

X-post with WWIFN, sorry.

ScaredOfCows · 03/01/2011 17:50

I think you would be better going alone, or just meeting him there. Less confusing all round for everyone, but especially for you. You know how it is going to turn out if you are in the same hotel, don't you? At best, a lovely evening (for him!) of chatting and listening to his bullshit.

If he does end up going, could you book him a room at the skankiest hotel London has to offer, but not tell him until he is there?

tribpot · 03/01/2011 17:52

I'm with perfectstorm on this one. This is just another attempt to pull you back into the melodrama and prevent you from protecting yourself emotionally from his fuckwittage. I would just say that in order to set dd's expectations appropriately, you will meet him at the venue and have a meal out afterwards but other than that do not anticipate contact with him in London. If you've booked his hotel room (god, why would you do that?) I would, as WWIFN suggests, offer it to PIL or cancel it.

On another note, how exciting for your dd to be in a concert at the O2! That's going to be a really special day, despite all this crapola in the lead-up to it.

Kirlyovie · 03/01/2011 17:59

Just wanted to add that he is treating you like the OW in this - sneaking about behind BB's back, lying about trip away with you.

Would you want to be involved with a married man? Because that is what is happening - just that BB is the wife now.

Don't let him do this to you - its not fair - you deserve to be treated so much better.

msboogie · 03/01/2011 17:59

It is probably true that BB had a skinful last night and ordered him to send the text. It reads like she was looking over his shoulder. However this OW is meant to be the lurve of his life and he can't even be honest with her (not that she particularly deserves it) Just shows he us not to be relied upon by anyone in any respect, ever.

wannabefree · 03/01/2011 18:01

Solost, did you mean you booked travel arrangements and accommodation for yourself only? If so, that is brilliant!

I've been lurking on this thread to get tips from how well you're handling everything...I aspire to be as serene and in control as you appear to be! I know you don't feel it on the inside, but outwardly you're handling this with grace and dignity...what a woman!

perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 18:05

"Just wanted to add that he is treating you like the OW in this - sneaking about behind BB's back, lying about trip away with you."

The first thing I thought when I read that was the saying, "when a man marries the mistress, he creates a vacancy". Solost deserves a billion times better than for him just to flip the positions of wife and mistress in his life, so he has all the perks and none of the responsibility.

FakePlasticTrees · 03/01/2011 18:08

I think it's best you travel alone and just meet him there. There's some restaurants in the O2, you could try and book something there so you can meet him there, have dinner with your DD before/after (depending on timings) then she goes back with the school, you go back to your hotel and he can do whatever he likes.

Original poster
solost · 03/01/2011 18:09

Thanks for your comments everyone - just to make it clear - I have booked my own hotel etc. H will have to sort his own!!

I am going regardless of their hysterics - H will just have to sort himself out.

OP posts:
Original poster
solost · 03/01/2011 18:11

Btw. The event is FEBRUARY!!!! - have got a whole month of this fuckwittery before I go!

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 18:18

You are brilliant. As always. Grin

And... February?! Dear God. Did he always like to create a huge drama around himself? Did he skydive, deep sea dive, rally drive? Since when was he an adrenaline junkie/ Hmm

FakePlasticTrees · 03/01/2011 18:19

Do you have the tickets already? Can you just give him his ticket and say you dont want to be involved with his arrangements. That way, between now and February you can just say - it's up to you if you go, not interested in hearing your issues.

TheCrackFox · 03/01/2011 18:23

Are the seats numbered? If so you could post his to him and tell him you will meet him there.

(well done on booking your own room. why should you be a P.A. to him?)