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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

930 replies

solost · 19/12/2010 19:11

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

OP posts:
solost · 01/01/2011 20:10

DONTDISS: Happy new year to you too x

STAREXPAT: Happy new year Smile x
We were planning a quiet night in last night but had an impromptu invite to a friends and decided to go. We had a blast! Danced all night with DC's on their new Xbox and before we knew it - it was midnight! H kept ringing and texting - answered about 10 and let him speak to DC's but didn't answer his 'happy new year' (wtf??) text at midnight!! - Sorted the TV yesterday - went and bought a new one! (it broke again!!) and DS sorted all the wires out for me!

SCAREDOFCOWS: The reason he sees them here is partly as you mentioned but also I feel the DC's are more comfortable seeing him in their own surroundings rather than him sounding the horn outside and them being bundled out to his car. We have moved some stuff around and are planning a major redecoration project this year!!

LIFEMOVESON: Was thinking of you all last night too. We also never celebrate new year - I think like you - just another day. However, my friend who invited me round has just found out she has a brain tumour and that it may be malignant and she is being so brave and strong about it - it makes my 'problems' seem so insignificant in comparison yet she still thought of us being alone and invited us round. Heres hoping you have a FANTASTIC 2011 x

PERFECTSTORM: Sorting a schedule is on my schedule! iyswim! Hope you have a great 2011 x

WWIFN: Ok, ok, you have rumbled me! I suppose part of the reason IS that I want to see him - but I am working on that - I promise. When he came round to see them today he said his new years resolution was to be more pragmatic ie. think more practically rather than with his heart - not sure what he meant by that, didnt ask.

I find some days I am stronger than others - it is easier when he's not here.

OP posts:
solost · 01/01/2011 20:11

PERFECTSTORM: Hope you have a fantastic 2011 too Smile x

OP posts:
StarExpat · 01/01/2011 20:25

Glad you had a great night! :)
:( for your friend and I hope it's not malignant but treatable. She sounds like an amazing woman.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 01/01/2011 21:19

Solost - glad you had fun on NYE! So sorry to hear of your friend's tumour and, like StarExpat, hope it's treatable.

There will come a point when you don't particularly want to see your H any more. My mum kept pushing me to stop seeing my ex when he came to the house at the weekends to do maintenance on the fish tank and mow the lawn (neither of which I wanted to do) but I had to wait until I was ready - and one day I just knew it would be the last time. And it was. Different for you of course with the DC - but the feeling will happen.

Let's hope 2011 is the start of a great new life for you all.

LifeMovesOn · 01/01/2011 21:26

I too offer my best wishes for your friend. My boyfriend has a brain tumour - benign - but it needs operating on. A very difficult decision to make since the side effects are so serious (blindness, deafness, paralysis, death). He has asked me to have the final say - that is SO unfair, but I feel honoured he trusts me enough.

So, life is never easy. When I'm feeling sorry for myself (and that is rare these days, I must admit Smile) I wonder if I will ever be given any true happiness without heartache Sad.

You four are going to have a much better year, just remember the rollercoaster so it doesn't surprise you! You will begin to have much more highs than lows (and the highs will be longer too).

Keep the faith.

xx

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 01/01/2011 21:43

oh LifeMovesOn - that is also very sad! If it's any consolation, which it probably isn't because every case is different, my niece had a brain tumour in her cerebellum when she was only 21mo - had it operated on (9hr op!) and it was nearly all removed. The last bit had to be left because it was too close to something vital but it is checked every year. She is 6 now and showing no ill effects.

StarExpat · 02/01/2011 19:33

How is it going, solost?

solost · 02/01/2011 21:38

Hi StarExat: Its going OK thanks! Had a day of total detatchment. He texted this morning asking how we were and I texted back fine but was switching phone off for the day and he could ring the DC's at bedtime.

Sundays are always difficult as we visit PIL for sunday lunch then see my mum in the afternoon. H always used to be with us and its still difficult for us with the missing place at the table etc.... But it IS getting easier - I think. Tbh I would duck out of going but the DCs love spending time with their grandparents and vice versa and now H sees them on Saturdays it is the only day they get to spend 'quality time' (hate that phrase!) with them. MIL made birthday cards and buns with them and my mum taught them blackgammon - all things which they really enjoyed.

So tommorrow, another week. Next Monday is the solicitors appt - not really looking forward to it but will cross that bridge when it comes. This time of night is always the most lonely, once the DC's are in bed asleep, I try not to think of H cosying up to BB in their lovenest - it is hard but am trying to stay angry and detached!!

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 00:17

So sorry about your friend, Solost. Hope it is good news, and glad you had a slightly better family day. I'm sure they will all slowly get easier and easier.

Don't be scared of the solicitor. You're only finding out how the land lies, that's all.

solost · 03/01/2011 08:06

Got this text at midnight last night re: O2 trip to London which H and I have arranged to travel, stay overnight and see DD perform together.

'Can't do the London trip with you.

Will call tommorrow to go thro this with you.
Will make some arrangements to meet up with you for concert when we are both in London.

Hope you understand'.

Your thoughts and comments would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 03/01/2011 08:29

So does it sound like he intends to travel separately and just meet you there? Is that going to be practial for you? If so, just give him details of when/where to meet you.

Why he no longer can do the trip isn't of interest to you, cut him off if he tries to go into it saying you're not interested in the background, just the practicalities of what's happening now. If he suggests meeting you somewhere/some time that doesn't work for you, just say no.

Easier said than done, I know.

gettingeasier · 03/01/2011 09:20

I agree with fake dont listen to the tale of why he cant do the trip and if you think he may blow you out last minute in London and the dc would be disappointed by that then turn your phone off now and go and have a great time. It sounds like a proud moment as a parent and you dont want anything clouding that as these times are few and far between and very precious.

I have been keeping up with your thread and I think you need to be very careful about the contact you have with your H. It must be tempting for you to think that him and his ow are having "problems" and that he is on the brink of realising he has made a mistake in leaving you and will then want to come back at which point you can enjoy refusing him or take him. I think whats going on is he is just keeping you onside as it were until he has fully adjusted to the guilt attached to his actions and he has completely detached from you.

If he had any intention of leaving the ow he would have before Christmas for all the obvious reasons. I think you need to get into a position as fast as possible where the only things you say to each other are "what time are you picking up the dc" or similar. Otherwise no matter how much you try and begin to detach from him you will be always be secretly wondering about if hes coming back.

Have a wonderful day with your dc

StarExpat · 03/01/2011 09:43

What a little sh*t. I'm sure it makes your blood boil that BB is getting her way and he's essentially putting her over DD, a it's her performance. But he'd get quite a good feeling if you kick up a fuss because he'll see it as you fighting for him to put you over BB. Then he has an opportunity to "do the right thing" and tell you he's told BB where to go...etc. And that he'll come with you after all. If he does change his mind at all about this now, understand that it's pure manipulation to make himself look good.

Anyway, agree with others to let it roll off your back. Just say "ok, meet me at the entrance (or landmark) to o2 at x time, just before performance". Don't agree to dinner or anything. In fact, you could just tell him you'll meet him in there - I assume there are tickets. Give him his ticket in advance. He's a big boy. He can make it there on his own. At least make it seem like you couldn't care any less how he gets there or when or where he stays. In fact, you're busy apart from the actual concert, anyway :) is DD staying with you in the hotel? If not meet up with a friend before or after, perhaps?

countingto10 · 03/01/2011 09:50

Have you asked your DD if she wants him to be there ?

MissClavel · 03/01/2011 09:51

He was trailing this happening a while ago, wasn't he? I totally agree with the others - you need not to care at all (in the way you present it to him at least) about this. Nothing could matter less. He's wanting to pull you back into their dramas for his own egotistical purposes.
Have a brilliant time in London. You'll have much more fun without him sitting next to you on the journey whinging away and trying to engage with you. xx

emmyloulou · 03/01/2011 10:13

I'd bet, this is his little hissy fit to put you in your place for daring to detach Sunday and turn your phone off.

How very dare you.

Don't listen to him, re, it's all BB fault he is a man isn't it? He has a voice. You only have his word which lets be honest is not truthful, so don't get involved.

Just say, I don't want the back story just where you are planning to meet now, the rest is not my concern.

If it doesn't suit tell him no, end of.

He is using the kids to hurt you again my lovey, as you are not dancing to his tune and hanging off every word. You don't play his game how he wants he tries to hurt you via the DC's, thiink Christmas week.

Now you know what he is doing you can rise above it.

plupervert · 03/01/2011 10:44

Sounds as though he is "trying out" your cold and detached tone of voice on you!

Does it annoy? If so, this is - on the one hand - good, as it means it annoys him, too (and has prompted this action); and on the other hand not so good, as it means he is still getting to you.

LittleMissHissyFit · 03/01/2011 10:58

Don't rise to it, don't flinch.

The only answer is OK, no problem, I'll meet you there.

Don't get involved in the whyfors, it's not relevant. It'll only wind you up and they (XH/BB) are none of your business.

This is a hurdle. If the shoe were on the other foot, we'd advise the same.

Detach, detach detach.

the most important thing is that you get to see your DD perform. Focus on her right now.

agree with plupervert, but this is so recent, you have skipped out a couple of phases of recovery. Of course he can still get to you. These phases still need passing and processing, so in the meantime just take a deep breath, understand what you are feeling and why.

Does your hotel have WiFi access? Take your laptop and we can keep you company after the concert if you need us too?

LifeMovesOn · 03/01/2011 11:00

Solo, his true colours are coming out now. I am so sorry you will be seeing this - but it will help to feed your anger, believe me - and at some point SOON down the line you will begin to really realise you don't want him back.

You're still at that "he's MY husband" stage - and perfectly understandable after all the years together and three chidren.

He is still your husband - but in name only.

His current behaviour is worse than your youngest child could dish out! Absolutely pathetic. And remember Solo - that's exactly what he is.

Oooh, I am SO ANGRY for you now Angry.

Off to get a coffee to calm down !!

Big hug x

LittleMissHissyFit · 03/01/2011 11:00

If he tries to moan eye-roll, discuss BB, cut him off and tell him that It's fine, you totally understand, let's talk about something else, you really don't want to know.

Solo, you knew this was coming, he told you about it ages ago, so don't be surprised at this.

detach. detach. detach.

Gonetosouthpole · 03/01/2011 11:47

Great advice here - I've no experience of this, but my instincts are that you just ask him where and when you will meet at the O2 and that's all you speak about.

Don't engage with him about the details AT ALL.

Focus on supporting your DD at this exciting event. Perhaps practice some phrases you could use when he tries to engage with you about his situation. It often helps to be prepared verbally.

I am more and more thinking that I am glad you have a solicitors appointment soon. Its only a matter of time before the subject of money rears its ugly head. And I use the word ugly for a reason.

Hang on in there, you are an absolute star.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/01/2011 12:22

I'm presuming this is your oldest DD? Assuming she actually still wanted to spend that much time with him and was expecting the arrangements to be fulfilled, then pulling out now is cruel.

However, in the wider scheme of things, I actually think he is doing the right thing because it seems that unless he detaches from you Solost you won't be able to detach from him, even if your DCs are finding the situation confusing and bewildering. I think after the news the DCs have had about his other relationship, it would be really confusing at the moment to be all together at an event and overnight in a hotel - possibly giving them false hope again.

I really hope you use this as a catalyst to change the terms of your relationship with him and it's a shame he was given the chance to do this first.

I think when he said he had resolved to be more pragmatic in the new year, he meant that he was going to put his guilt to one side and commit fully to the OW. This is an example of it.

I know this is hard and I'm relieved you have admitted you still want to see him Solost but going right back to the start of your first thread, the only reason this selfish man would ever have come back to you was when he thought that he had lost you for good. It's a shame you still want to see him and would have him back, but you can't do much about those feelings and I understand them.

However, he isn't coming back and will want to less when he knows that he can still let himself in and out of the house and see you. You know that I think this is actually damaging your DCs now, when they need structure and arrangements to see him elsewhere and not in your presence, but all along, this has also been damaging you and your cause too. He would never have wanted you back while he still thought you would take him back.

It makes me angry that he has been allowed to flinch first and put more boundaries in your relationship, but he is at a glance demonstrating where his loyalty lies.

Please take this cue from him and start formalising contact arrangements and restoring your home to your fortress. A long time ago I advised you to act detached and you would become detached. It's not surprising that there have been huge stumbles along the way and I truly empathise, but for your own sake now and especially for the DCs, assume he is never going to change his mind and certainly not with the status quo as it is.

Make the New Year the time when you become like most separated families; the DCs see the non-resident parent independently and not in their home and you have no relationship with him other than a co-parenting one.

I predict that he will start being hard-headed about the finances, now that he has decided that he shouldn't wallow in guilt any more. Be even more hard-headed Solost because believe me, he will screw you over in a heartbeat now that he is losing empathy for your plight.

Part of me hates having to deliver these unpalatable messages Solost and I hope you understand that they are given with the best of intentions and certainly not to hurt you more, but I can only tell you how I see it now.

gettingeasier · 03/01/2011 12:40

Yes Solost heed her words about the money there is no doubt that is true because we all think our husbands arent like that but mostly they are Sad

thumbwitch · 03/01/2011 12:47

A short sharp text message should cover this
"We will be at X outside the O2, at Y o'clock. We will see you there."

Nothing else needed. No conversation required, he doesn't deserve or need it. We knew this was going to happen from when he started muttering about it so I hope you are unsurprised.

Sorry to hear that he is continuing in his new role as unparalleled arse of the new year as well as the old. Hope your DD is ok.

StarExpat · 03/01/2011 13:56

Yes! Do exactly as thumbwitch says. That's perfect.

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