HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

yes, ask your next door neighbour/brother/milkman/handy female friend/window cleaner/eldest child etc

anybody but him

And you were out, which is good, but he got to just let himself in, fix the problem you were having (note, how fabulous it must make him feel to "fix" anything for all of you - he can have his cake (BB) and eat it feeling great about himself because he is still "needed" by you) and leave... not sure if I've worded this correctly. I"m sure one of the wiser women will be around to explain better.

Also, I don't think it's good to change the locks because it's not legal, but bolting the door when you're in and telling DH that he can't just come in and out as he pleases (perhaps asking him for his spare keys and giving them to PIL or your mother would help).

oh thank god I was worried that I might have been overly critical there!

don't be daft, SE

set of keys not spare keys

Solost (that name really does not suit you any more by the way) you are not going to be crap at singledom, you are going to flourish! You just need to put a bigger divide between you and H to enable you to being the journey. At the moment he is far too close, far too involved for this to happen and it wouldn't surprise me if this is his intention. I think you did great keeping out of the way while he fixed the TV but I would have thought you did absolutely bloody fantastic if you had not involved him at all. He will be loving his role as 'rescuer' and this all serves to ease his guilt.

I would get those phones charged up and tell him to contact the children direct. I would also suggest a regular contact arrangement where he collects the children and takes them out somewhere. You won't be stopping him from seeing the children, you will be forcing him to make his own arrangements and take some responsibility. I think this guy has had it all far too easy.

OK, not that we care about BB, but the comment about her being uncomfortable about what she has done, but not enough to put a stop to it..

She can't, can she.

She has a guy that has left his kids and his wife for HER... If he leaves her, it would mean that she is not as good, not good enough and a reject..

Anyhoo, as I said, we don't give a shit about BB.

Stay focussed, put up post its. Disengage, Disengage, Disengage in all the obvious places.
Be strong. It won't take long, though there may be more histrionics...

I just know that when my friend was going through this at the beginning (she still is, but ykwim), her H would indulge in being able to come in and "save the day" whenever a problem would arise. She embraced this a bit as well (but didn't want to and did so subconsciously - only people on the outside could see it). She also thought she was teachign him that he couldn't just run away from his responsibilities...etc... but he was just massaging his conscience and feeling better about his choices because he was still needed and could swoop in at any time and be the saviour and an oh so great daddy by taking the dc by surprise sometimes during the week and on saturdays and telling her he loved her still so much, she is amazing, beautiful...etc, etc, etc. blick it makes me sick. Especially considering how obvious it all is now that he manipulated. He was the very last person on earth that I would have ever, ever thought to do something like that (an affair, leave, manipulate, lie...)
ramble over

I wish you lived nearby so I could put you in touch with her. Your situations are very, very remarkably similar.

The difference is in how you are handling it (her mental state was not so strong at first). Can you speak to a therapist/counsellor? It can be a huge relief to have someone that you will be able to see, perhaps weekly, just to let things out... and help you see things about yourself and H and DC.

Well done for being out when he came. I do agree with starexpat though - you need to find other people to help out with little things like that in future.

You really think your H wouldn't want his DC full time if anything happened to you? That is an indictment of him indeed!

I think from the point of view of seeing the DC in your house - in reality, there is no need to stop that just yet BUT he has to act like a visitor, which he is - so he has to ring the bell when he arrives. And you could ask someone else to be with the DC so that you don't have to be there. Really, it's making the small changes that show him how much he's fucked it up - at the moment he's far too comfortable with just popping back in and out of family life - he needs the shock and he's not getting it.

I do agree that his visiting needs to be formalised, as much for the DC as anything - they need a pattern to their lives, and knowing that e.g. Saturday and maybe Wednesday evenings are "daddy days" will make their lives more ordered and they will settle more quickly. Plus it will save them having to ask when he's coming. So I suggest that you try and set this up ASAP - for their sakes.

Being single after a long time is interesting, to say the least. Although I only had 11y to deal with, not 27! But I had been with my ex since I was 16, and it felt like going back to being 16 again in some ways - all that uncertainty etc.
I had a good year being single before anyone showed any clear interest in me (there was a flicker before that but I didn't know what to do! ) - and I found that I didn't know how to "date". After one short relationship, then another, I started to get the hang of it - but of course I was without children, so your situation is more tricky.

I don't know if there are any sort of clubs or groups or message boards specifically geared for the newly single after longterm relationship, but if there are you might be wise to go on them and ask advice!

STAREXPAT, EMMYLOULOU, AF: It was DS who asked H to fix the TV. I would have got FIL to come over but DS spoke to H this morning and told him all about it - I didnt speak to him just was told by DS that he was coming over hence the impromptu visit to the supermarket!

< holds hands up >

< backs away slowly >

ok, ok

Ok, fair enough. But he still shouldn't get to be the rescuer. This incident isn't your fault, but the facts still remain. DH got to come and feel needed and save the day..etc all of what I said still stands. Though you personally did nothing wrong and it was out of your hands in this case :) x

Aww I see........I may get flamed here and expecting it..(nothing is your fault btw, remember that)

This is where the boundry issue comes in. Currently it is normal for him to come and go as he pleases, so DS thought I'll get DF over.........

Nothing wrong in that as such and nothing wrong with the dc's wanting to see their df.

BUT for your own sanity and ability to move on and that of your childrem you do need to formalise contact, so it's not the "norm" for him to waltz in and out of your house like this. If it's not the norm, it won't occur to the dc's to ask this kind of thing does that make sense? I know it's sad but...

If you are to ever move on and the dc's to get real stability, contact arrangements need to be more formal. Rather than carrying on just how it was but with him going home to BB. Him turning up when he likes, using the pc, washing up, falling asleep on the sofa, popping in, etc, etc.

Obviously you know the score, and you know the situation and have your head screwed on but I do think IMO that is one of the reason bounderies need to be set now the dc's know. As things have changed and you all need to move forward not stay stuck.

Your solicitor can help you with this.

THUMB: I do think H would want the DC's if anything happened to me but.... would I want THEM to have them. TBH his lifestyle, and BB - GOD I shudder at the thought of having to leave my precious DC's with the pair of them even for a minute atm!

With regard to being single again?? Sounds sad in itself doesnt it? Good to know though that there could be life after all this. The thing I think about most though is, introducing someone to DC's - I know that its far, far away in the future but.....

STAREXPAT: I know what you mean about him being a 'knight in shining armour' thing but I really couldnt stop him. I would have rather gone out and bought a new TV tbh but DS told him all about it first thing this morning.

I do try to sort that kind of stuff out myself (with a little help from PIL). The telly has gone on the blink before (a lost wire thingy) and PIL sorted it for me. He is quite handy (which is a good thing cos I'm certainly NOT!). May have to take a crash course in DIY!

Not sure I need a counsellor? Don't feel the need tbh but maybe I will enquire about one for the DC's - I will see how they go - maybe they will need to talk to a 'professional' its so difficult to know what is the right thing to do or whether I am overreacting?!

EMMYLOULOU: I see where you are coming from, really I do and I agree... however, how do I implement this without becoming the villain? My problem is that if I do implement these boundries what happens if H takes exception and uses it against me - don't want to appear unreasonable to the DC's iyswim? Not sure I am getting my point across here? am sure you will let me know x

I wasn't saying you needed it. Sorry. I just know that it can be helpful to have an unbiased person to talk to and offload. You're dealing with a lot here, you're doing so well. It has nothing to do with that. Just remember that counsellors aren't there only for "crazy people" they can just be a safe space to dump raw emotions and feelings and the happenings of your week no matter how trivial you feel they are.

becoming the villian ?

solost...please read that back as if you were not the poster, from an outsider's POV

it is not too late to re-set boundaries if you so wish

don't think that because you have got into a pattern of doing things (which, tbh, were started when you were still being a doormat) that you cannot change things to something more appropriate to the altered dynamics

you can and you should

what do you mean use something against you ?

have another "nervous breakdown" ?

smash up a flat or two ?

what ?

STAREXPAT: Have you not realised it yet? YOU are my counsellor!!!

You lovely wise ladies are my 'safe space' where I dump all my feelings and happenings - from the comfort of my sofa.

And I thank you all - I couldnt have got to where I am today without you all. X

solost You will be fine being single ! You say you have been with DH since you were 15, not sure how many years that is but I was with my ExH for 14 years from age 15 to 29, married when I was 23. And believe me I thought I would never cope when he got OW pregnant and left. I had the most aweful 12 months, but once everything was sorted with the divorce and the house. I felt free for the first time in years. My situation is a little different as I didn't have children with ExH. Now 10 years down the line (and a few flings)I have a wonderful life, I have been with DP for 6 years, we have DD who is 15 months and are getting married in March.

You can be single believe me, you have three beautiful children to keep you going and the right man is out there for you (and your kids).

:) I am glad that MN can be such a powerful and helpful tool! And your progress has been an inspiration to all.

Laughing at your trip to the supermarket darling - I almost had to have one of those today, but friends needing collection from the station 4 miles away saved the day.

H did one of his "I need to come over" texts - had a Xmas pressie for Katie so could hardly tell him to go jump in the nearest river. So in he strolls, most put out when I then put on my coat and said 'bye, off to collect friends from station' - 20 questions later "who, why, who . . ." I very politely pointed out it really was nothing to do with him.

I remember going thru those awful (fortunately only 2) occasions of having to ring him for help about things in the house - now I either try to fix it myself (often with comical outcomes ) or am blessed to have great friends and their husbands. It gives me a sense of huge accomplishment to know every time he comes over he can't resist nosing to see what's new, what's been done. Knowing it's nothing to do with him any more - he's not even contributing to the house any more, but that's another subject which I'm in too mellow a mood to get started on!!

Solost, with regards timescales of being able to deal with him, I reckon it was around 6 months. I went to counselling, was under the doctor on anti-depressants and was also under mental health to try and get cognitive therapy because nothing else seemed to be able to help me. One day, I dunno - this sounds stupid - when I hit absolute rock bottom, something just clicked and I realised that I, me, was the only person in control of my future. No matter what the man who had meant the world and beyond to me had done, he couldn't hurt me any more and I was done spending time thinking about what he was doing, with who and where/why.

I am in a better position than you in that my daughter is nearly 18 and both in mine and her eyes - and the law - an adult. She has her own views of what her father has done and I have learnt to let her deal with it her own way, as hard as that is (he is still her father unfortunately!).

So, he arrived tonight and postured around some, made a couple of sarcastic comments about Tim, my friend, tried to have a conversation with Katie (it's a bit cringing when he turns up wearing clothes that are suitable for a 20 year old, not a 50yo and katie can't help but comment on them, yet her sarcasm seems to be lost on him .

Heee heeee.

Solost, you really are doing ok. Believe it.

xx

AF: I knew you would misunderstand me

What I meant was the DC's may see me as 'villian' by setting these boundaries - thats what concerns me - not what H might do. I really don't care about is hysterics - as long as it takes place far, far away from us.

No solo, use what against you? Moving on?

You are not the villan he is, he chose to leave his family and life, his choice, you are allowed to move on now, you don't need his permission anymore. The dc's know this.

It's only fair and right for you and dc's you have bounderies, honestly this is one thing the solicitor will talk to you about, so it's good you are talking about it. So you know it may well come up.

You are allowed to have privcay and not have him invade your space and have some kind of routine.

This is the norm in seperated/divorced couples. Not coming and going as if nothing has changed.

You think the kids will turn against you? They won't it will probably in all honesty settle them more once they know where they stand and things have really changed.

What's he going to do? Not a lot as you are seing a solicitor in 11 days aren't you? So start getting all the finances pinned down, so he can't use that. Then get every single last thing he has said to you to the solicitor on paper. Re, BB heavy drinking, her suppossed outburts, his drinking, slurry phonecalls, his manic phonecalls, his depressive mutterings, his aggression in smashing BB'S flat up, his self harm. He won't have shit on you my love with all that. After all it's all true isn't is, so you must tell them, how he has been and what he has said.

That is why it's so important get it all down and get it all to the solicitor, make sure your armoury is full so whatever he does, your fire back twice as hard

I should have said that the 6 months was from the day I discovered last January that he was still seeing the old slapper.

He had 'confessed' to me some 3 months before, but I knew two months before that but believed his lies.

Can't believe it's now some 16 months since my world crashed around me . . . I really honestly never thought I'd get to anywhere near where I am now.

And you know what - I'm freaking well proud of myself - never thought I'd say that either, because I stupidly believed him when he told me it (the affair) was all my fault - I had dared to reject him twice in bed when I was menopausal, Shock horror!!

Asswipe