HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

If he calls you about the DC and you do forget yourself and answer it, be cool, be consistent. Stick to a script yourself!

Say they will be fine, that they know they are loved and they are strong kids and will all be fine, but thank you for your concern and hang up.

It wouldn't surprise me in the least if he was in a public place or out on the street and some random started screeching, which he conveniently attributed to the OW. Nothing he has told you about her histrionics has been corroborated.

The only evidence you have got about her having delusions about her position in the food chain, was that phone call you had with her. That phone call was set up entirely by him and the delusions she had, only came from the bullshit he was feeding her about you being so unreasonable.

I think you're evading some issues here Solost and I'd really like you to think about them.

What's stopping you formalising contact arrangements with him now, so that you don't even have to see him? It's his problem if he's too cowardly to face his parents; where he takes the DCs for the day is his problem and your only concern should be their safety. If you really thought he suffered a mental breakdown last week, no parent in their right mind would let him take your DS out to play snooker.

What's stopping you from banning him from your home and changing the locks? When you see the solicitors in January, they are duty bound to advise you that this is unlawful, but they are also duty bound to tell you the derisory penalty, in the event of him taking legal action against you.

He isn't phoning at night to check that the DCs are okay. He couldn't give a damn about their feelings, as he has proved. He cares only about his own. He is ringing to keep up the contact and dialogue with you and to check that his DCs don't yet hate him (which is therefore about his feelings, not theirs) - that's all. Refuse to take these calls from now on.

Given that he is emotionally manipulating them with his pathetic neediness AND they are showing signs of distress, it might be worth seeing if you can find a family therapist (Relate provide these) or through Children's Services.

Lastly, are the children actually expressing a wish to see him so regularly, or is it just assumed that they want to? Don't rule out that perhaps having a break from seeing him at the moment might be a good thing, because he is inducing guilt in them by his neediness. It could be that a fortnight or so without having to see him would be good for them.

They might also be finding the daily phone calls an intrusion that they don't want at the moment. Their needs should be respected above all. If you are noticing that they are not rushing to the phone and expressing eagerness to talk to him, take note and offer them an alternative that removes any guilt from them.

I couldn't agree more with WWIFN solost. It seems to me you are not sufficiently disengaged from H and his histrionics. I don't think him spending time with the kids in the home is healthy for them either. They know he has left the family home and so will be prepared for seeing him out of it. He is too comfortable coming and going, and it is giving the kids a false impression. What happens when you are seeing someone (it will happen, eventually)? Do you just suddenly ban him? Is it not best to start as you mean to go on already? He can pick the kids up and take them out.

I doubt the kids will have an awful lot to say to him on all these phone calls. Most kids just aren't that great or keen on the phone. I think this nonstop contact is to manipulate you, to keep you close and it is working.

WWIFN, i agree with you entirely. this DC thing is still all about his persona.

Retake the reins Solo.

I agree with wwifn. Certainly, when I was in the same position (ish), stopping my H from his daily coming and going and such things as staying to put the dcs to bed nightly did ram his new position in my life home to him.

Start to imagine you are looking for a new partner - will it then be possible to have the dc's father coming and going and touching you up? THINK OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!!!

Let this be your New Year's resolution. He is not your fourth child and must be made to see that his decisions have created his new life. Only he can deal with the ups and downs and your only obligation to him is to make sure he and dcs have some contact, not be an emotional crutch.

Start living like you are truly single, not tied to him. He needs desperately to get the picture - he's now an aside to your life (and an inconvenient one at that), not the focus.

Any chance you and dcs can afford to get away for New Year to visit friends or preferably someone at Lands End / John O'Groats (whichever is farthest!). You need a break from this drama and stress to clear your head and see it for what it is, preferably out of the family home and all its memories. Oh - and drop your mobile down the loo before you go!

WWIFN has it spot on.

And I'm sorry, but all you know about BB is from him. Her response to you does not come out of thin air. I agree that nobody should be proud of having an affair with a married man, let alone one with kids, but plenty of otherwise decent and normal posters on MN have relationships that began that way. What I am trying to say is, he may well have told her the relationship had been dead for years and he was staying only for the kids but his great passion for her meant he couldn't afford to lose this chance for happiness... which is, miserably, just as much of a script as the bollocks he's fed to you. I mean, this is a woman who felt the need to tell people you'd split 2 years before she met him. This tells me 2 things: 1, she isn't the type of person comfortable with adultery (believe me, they exist, shocking as that fact is) and was ashamed of what she had done - and secondly, I suspect he has told her that the relationship had been in name only for that length of time, so she felt she was in some way telling the truth anyway.

Obviously this is only a guess. But he is so blatantly telling you what you want to hear about her - this is a woman he has turned a very comfortable life upside down for yet he constantly low level snarks about her to you - that I am as certain as can be that he is doing the same thing to her. Her reactions and contacts with you and what he has said to you that she feels can only be explained by him making out you are clinging and trying to control everything. And I think his "you can't control me!" to you recently was the two scripts colliding.

Frankly, his worst nightmare would be you and BB getting together and comparing notes. I suspect it would be most enlightening. It's her problem and I find it impossible to feel much sympathy for her, but he is betraying her as enthusiastically as he is you - in thought, word and deed. And she will be sympathising with him over his crazy ex-wife every bit as much as you have believed he has a crazy new gf.

Solost I'm not saying this to hurt, I hate the thought of you being yet more hurt. I'm saying it because I sincerely believe it's the truth and he is playing you.

abedelia x-posted with me, and so wisely.

I think maybe you should think about every contact with him, "would this be acceptable if I were now married to someone else?" If you would feel it wasn't fair on the new husband, that a line was crossed, then it is not, here and now, fair on you.

Solost, I understand completely how you feel when you have contact with the H. This man has been part of your life for so many years day in day out - that's what's so difficult.

I've gone thru the gammut of emotions - bewilderment, rage, hurt, anger, betrayal, confusion - you name it, in the last 18 months I've felt 'em!

I remember the almost feeling sorry for my H when he came around to MY HOME (not 'our house' anymore, even if he is entitled to his 50% of it!) a couple of time in the past - looked so pathetic, told me how much he missed me and our DD, how he'd always love me, how stupid he'd been . . . blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah - whatever!!

I've learn that this is just THEIR way of dealing with the guilt they sometimes feel.

Even on Xmas Day he came around to visit DD Katie (nearly 18 so she doesn't have the whole santa excitement thing - in fact doesn't even want to see her father who she will never forgive) and he was on his best behaviour . . . until he couldn't resist a dig about my (boy)friend. Just push off, tosser, is what I want to say, but I just smiled very nicely and asked if he'd like a coffee or, as it's Xmas, a beer? He asked if I could make him "one of my fab Xmas day cooked breakfasts I always used to make him". Once I'd stopped laughing - literall - he didn't even get a cup of coffee!!

That's how I know how much I've moved on and am so much more settled with my 'new life'.

I never asked for my new life - nor did my beautiful Katie - but we have adapted to it very well now and I know we have much to look forward to in the future.

What I'm trying to say in my usual blethering on style is please, DON'T OFFER HIM ANY TIME, PITY OR COMMUNICATION other than arranging times for the DCs. In fact, I'd even - where possible - be tempted to pre-arrange these when he sees them, talks to them at that time, rather than having to keep contacting you about it. It's not necessary and only a very limited amount of contact with him will help you to move on a little more.

I, like so many others on here, are so incredibly in awe of the way you handle yourself.

I can look back now and see my strengths; I didn't think I had any in those first few awful months, but looking back I now know I did - and that's just it - my H did and he HATES not being in control of me anymore.

Hahahahaha.

I really do think it's about time he spoke to the DCs about where he's living.

Keep strong - keep contact to an absolute minimum.

LifeMovesOn, what a fabulous post. Good advice.

Long may you and your DD continue to enjoy the new life you find yourselves leading.

Solo. an apology.

I was a little brusque with you yesterday.

You are so together, so brilliant and inspiring, it's so easy to forget how far and fast you have come in such a short amount of time. We are all driving you along and you are learning so much that when you do have an understandable wobble or side step, we get impatient with you. I've been a bit guilty of this and I'm sorry.

Of course you are finding this process of detachment hard, of course the father of your DC rings, and you want on some level to talk to him.

Thing is, that's why this clown is doing this, to salve his feelings, his hurt, his guilt.

BUT he did it all. WWIFN is right I think. To listen to what she says and act accordingly won't hurt in the slightest. It may do you the power of good, in that you get to call the shots.

I do believe this guy is manipulating you, as he has done all along, perhaps subconsciously, but it is manipulation all the same. It will damage your recovery, it may harm your self esteem and for what? A bloke who has betrayed you and cheated, lied, and faked mental illness, faked injuries because he couldn't bear to look like the tosser he is in front of his own DC.

You need some post it notes around the house to remind you not to engage, not to care and not to ask him how he is.

Great tips from LifeMovesOn. Set up the next meetup at the time so it removes the need for the hellos, how are yous.

ASK the DC how often they want to see/speak to H and if they need time off from the meet ups etc to process their feelings about everything. If they are finding the daily calls too much, then time to knock them on the head for a while.

Better yet, could you take them away for a few days so that you all can have some time off from it all?

Solost I solved the problem of unwanted calls from my ex by getting my DD (age 8) her own mobile phone so he can call her directly. It's amazing how his calls have dwindled since he no longer has to go through me.

The phone is strictly for contact with her dad but I think DD also likes that she can call him or send him a text if she wants to it does work very well.

I do agree with all the wonderful advice you are being given, I do think that if you really do want to separate yourself from your H and his life you need to get a routine for contact in place and stick to it, this will benefit both you and the children. Routine gives you breathing space in between the visits, it gives you control and time to heal. It gives you a chance to really focus on your own life and detach properly. That is if it's what you really want? I think the time has come for you to be totally honest with yourself about what you do want because I sort of get the message from reading your posts that you aren't ready to let go of him yet. I could be wrong though, it has been known

Hi Solost, glad to hear that the children are coping as well as can be expected and that Christmas went smoothly.

Just wondering whether now is the time to start thinking about practical details? I think HappyDays suggestion of a mobile phone specifically for your children is an excellent idea, and will cut out a lot of the manipulation you're currently exposed to.

WRT locks- if you don't want to go to the hassle of actually changing locks, you could always just add some. Wanting extra security now you are the only adult in the house is entirely justifiable. I'd suggest bolts on external doors, so that you can easily undo them if you need to get out quickly in an emergency. Keep them bolted while you are in the house and especially when you are expecting your ex so that he has to be let in by you. You could also fit an extra mortice lock, to lock the house up when you are all out. Give the spare keys to your mum and PIL, so that they have them in case of emergency. If ex asks for a spare, you don't have any duplicates available and he'll need to go to PIL if he needs to get into the house in an emergency. I know legally he can demand one, but he might not know that.

You also need to think about planning for the visit to the solicitor. Regardless of whether you've moved on from ex's "breakdown", the solicitor needs to know about it when putting together your case.

Obviously you are going to think about the divorce settlement, but I'd also urge you to think about guardianship issues and wills before you see the solicitor. Sadly, I wouldn't rely on ex wanting full-time care of the children if anything were to happen to you. I don't believe OW wants your life and your family- she wants your ex, your money, proceeds from the sale of your house, and a claim on ex's pension and future earnings as well as any inheritances etc due to him. So although your ex would have PR for the children, it might be worth discussing whether he actually would be willing to care for them permanently. You might want to ask your mum/ PIL for advice on this issue.

I don't know whether you've made any provision for the children in terms of trust funds etc already, but that's something you and ex would need to cover with solicitors. Unless you've made alternative arrangements, I'd guess that if anything were to happen to you then everything would go straight to ex (and, by default, OW). There is no guarantee that your ex would provide for the children, unfortunately, so you need to make sure you cover all angles here.

inertia, sound advice, but christ, so depressing

somebody say something

quick

Sorry AF , it is depressing isn't it ? I realise Solost has more immediate concerns when she gets legal advice. I just fear that, in amongst all the ex's diversion tactics, he is taking advantage of Solos''s kind and generous nature.

Solos, apologies for bringing up such a miserable topic, hope I haven't scared you off your own thread.

Solost might be off the hook over New Year's Eve, though!

If there are calls, it presents an opportunity to practice, practice, practice!

Or else drop the phone down the loo until the danger is past.

Solost, have the DC ever been allowed to stay up for NYE before? I think you should allow it for a night, whether you're there or not. Fun Mummy to the rescue of your DCs' New Year! It is a time for taking stock, yes, but also for having a bit of fun.

Oh, and if H is having drinking problems, he is in no way going to abstain on NYE, so there's an extra day lost for him, in making plans and committing harassment!

HMMMM The thing is your posts are going around in circles.

From disgusted and never having him back > feeling sorry for him, talking percentages of having him back > and around again.

I still in all honesty can see you being the same in a year, going around in these circles which won't be any good for any of you, especially not the kids with this harassing of them for "love" to soothe his own guilt.

You must stop thinking you know about BB and his mental strain, you don't, only what this known, deceitful liar has told you. You don't know that was BB screeching in the background do you? WHat because he said so? He has said a lot hasn't he?

He just keeps on reeling you in and will quite happily keep you like it, so you can never move on as you'll always be hoping he comes to his senses.

He's not though is he? He is still with her isn't he? He is not asking to come back is he? Just keeping you dangling so you can't move on.

I think it's just all too cosy and to familiar, which in the long run is not good for the kids or you as you don't know where you stand and you'll always be hanging onto him in the hope he may come back.........

The solicitors appt, I think will be a great oppertunity for formalising at least the finances, but contact too and times.

A solicitor will tell you as wwifn says about the possible outcomes of adding extra bolts etc, but I would and as he seems to come and go as he pleases, a solicitor will probably advise you formalise contact in some manner anyway. Especially when you bring up his crazy actions of last week, you MUST tell the solicitor this, no painting rosy pictures of him, they cannot help you properly unless they know it all.

I don't think he has faced anywhere near enough consequence for what he did, he got off rather scott free didn't he? What he did was horrendous as wwfin says stick it on your mirror if you have too.

He can't just walk in and out of your life anymore solo, he left you, it's not fair or right.

Oh and switch your phone off tomorrow and let the kids stay up with you

Poor you, solost. This is all tough reading. But excellent advice. Enjoy NYE with your DC :)

inertia...I completely agreed with your post

do not feel bad, you spoke the truth

I was just acknowledging he horridness of having o face this stuff, when none of it was ever your choice

solost will be fine with it, she's a tough old bird

and been nothing but generous and understanding when people say something a bit difficult to swallow...

I agree with AF here Solost, you have been so generous and understanding when people say things which could be deemed harsh, that's because you are a kind, caring and wonderful woman with a huge capacity to love and forgive. I can imagine that despite how angry and hurt you feel, despite what a complete shit your H has been and despite how strong you are forcing yourself to be, a little part of you is still hankering after what you had before all this kicked off, still can't quite believe that this is 'The End', even if you do know it's for the best. I think you are amazing, I think you are handling all of this with such dignity and grace, I am in awe of you. One day you are going to meet a man who not only deserves you but treats you with the respect you deserve. Now that is one thread I am so looking forward to

gawd, yes, HDAHA

I will change my name to HappyFucker when that day comes

Ok, thanks all for your comments. Today H had to come round - bit of a mercy mission. TV broke - he fixed it. I made sure I was out when he came round - went to supermarket. When I got back he had gone.

Haven't spoken to him all day. Have ignored texts. Not answered calls. How am I doing?

WWIFN: Do you really think he rings to assuage his guilt? He has always rung the DC's before bed from the 1st day he left and always first thing in the morning. I never really thought of it that way....

DC's still want to see H. They are always asking when he's coming round next. They are not so keen on the phone calls thought - kids don't seem to like talking to anyone on the phone (mine dont anyway!).

INERTIA: Very depressing post - but relevant. I was thinking about some of the points you raised the other day. I don't think H would want the DC's full time if anything happened to me. And neither of us has a will or anything like that. Will have to give it all some thought and discuss with solicitor.

HAPPYDAYS: The older two have their own phones but they are never charged tbh! I made DS take his with him when he was out with his pals during the summer but they tend to be in and out of one anothers houses during this cold weather - and DD doesnt even know where her phone is!!! Think it would be a good idea though, although they never seem to want to contact H... he always tells them they can call him anytime but they have never taken him up on his offer.

LMHM: No apology needed. I need a kick up the backside sometimes - thats why I keep posting! And as always, prefer your honest opinions to my comments rather than the softly, softly approach. Hope I redeemed myself today!

LIFEMOVESON: Thanks for sharing your experience. Its good to know that one day I will be able to look at H in that way. How long did it take for you btw, to get to the stage where he words just wash over you and have no effect? Maybe I just need to get out more!

PERFECTSTORM: I see where you are coming from but I do believe him when he says he told BB he was happily married when they met, I spoke to her mum once - I did mention it in a previous post (a long time ago!) when I first found out and she also confirmed that H and BB had told them that there was nothing wrong with his marriage but that what he had with BB was somehow 'more' than what he had with me?? I know it sounds like a load of crap but they genuinely believe it. I also believe that BB is uncomfortable with what she has done - and so she bloody should be - not uncomfortable enough to put a stop to it though!

ABEDELIA: Thanks for your comments. Not sure how to be single - pathetic really. Have been with H since I was 15, I know I am going to be crap at 'singledom' will probably end up as a crusty old biddy surrounded by cats! (and I hate cats btw!).

PERFUMED: Thank you. I know he probably should not see the kids in our house but stopping him - not sure how I do it without putting a negative message over to the DC's. Don't want them to see me stopping him iyswim? Sorry not articulating this well.

You're going to think I'm not such a nice person for saying this, but next time TV breaks, is there anyone else who could fix it? Having him come over to fix it sort of makes him feel needed by you iyswim? Good that you were out and aren't answering his calls, but he got to come in and "save the day", didn't he? He doesn't deserve to feel that good about himself. Sorry :(

Awww no so he is now your "rescuer". I bet he loved that.

Wonder what he said to BB about that.