HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Well now that you have realised that, are you going to get angry again? Let's not forget, he pretended the whole mental breakdown charade and there has been nothing more from you about how they managed to survive in a flat that he allegedly smashed up last week. I suspect that was yet another monumental lie and you've never had any corroborating evidence, have you?

That solictors appointment cannot come too quickly, but perhaps now you will consider changing the locks and stop letting him come and go as he pleases in a place that is not his home any longer.

It is not too late to tell him that you feel utter contempt for the charlatan that he is and that you saw straight through him and that he put his own need not to look bad in front of his DCs' pain and confusion.

WWIFN: Am trying to get angry, really I am - but tbh I just feel so sad, for H - for what he has given up (I know, he chose this) and for the DC's who still feel so sad but are putting a brave face on things - for me I think.

We went to Pizza Hut for tea tonight after H had left and DS asked me where exactly H was living now, he then started to cry and said 'why doesn't daddy want to live at home with us anymore?' it broke my heart that I couldnt really answer his question or take away his pain. I just told him that things would get better and that I would ALWAYS be there for him.

I did speak to him about last week - today when he came round. He said 'lets not go over "old ground"'. I told him maybe 'going over old ground' is what he needs to do instead of burying his head in the sand. To which he replied; 'all right lets do it then'. I told him how I felt about being him being a spineless git and not telling the DC's himself - he did seem contrite but its easy after the event - isnt it?

Old ground? It was only bloody last week!

Solost - have the DC said anything to him about it? Have they asked him any questions or been angry with him present? Or have they just accepted the way it is with stoicism and carried on as normal, so he can't see the difference?

If I were you, I'd print out in big type the things that your H did to you and your DC last week. Then I'd tape it to the mirror so I saw it every day - to remind me what an utter SHIT he can be. Lying, manipulative deceitful SHIT. And I would then remind myself that I would never want to be touched by such a SHIT again.

Let me ask you - when he sees you, does he attempt to kiss or hug you? If he does, do you let him? Because if so - that HAS TO STOP. He has no right now - it is tantamount to sexual harassment now he has left you. If he complains, tell him so.

I agree with WWIFN - the 10th Jan can't come soon enough - it will help you so much.

gah - crossposted with you!
"old ground" my arse! "seemed contrite" - pah! He's already moved on from it as though it never happened (which it didn't, let's face it, it was all made up for effect)

Remember to tell your DC in positive language - "Daddy has a new girlfriend, he still loves you all very much but he wants to live with her instead of Mummy." Try to leave out words like 'blame', 'fault' completely or their brains will latch on to those words, even if you say "NOT your fault", they'll still hear "your fault" first.

I could honestly wring that bastard's neck for you. Please stop being sad for him - he has brought it all on himself. You need have no feelings for him at all - just focus on your real family - you and the DC and their grandparents.

TPPW: The DC's are just carrying on as normal around him as far I can tell.

He asked the girls today how much they loved him??? and told them he loved them 10 out of 10 then tried to get them to tell him how much they loved him. Neither would give him an answer.....

He also took DS to play snooker this afternoon and tried to talk to him about it then but DS didnt want to talk - he told me this after H had gone and H told me on the phone later.

Do you think it will pass? Is it healthy bottling up their feelings? I really dont want to badger them by asking if they are ok every 5 minutes but understand they need to have an outlet for their feelings. Maybe I am not it? Maybe they are scared they will upset me despite my reassurances to the contrary. God this is hard. Just want to do the right thing for them.

I have taken on board your comments re: using 'fault' and 'blame' - just told them that it was nothing that they had done that it was daddy's choice to be with BB and that he still loved them exactly the same as he always has. But I think they sense the change in him, the closeness between them seems to be disappearing. Like by telling them an invisible wedge has been put between them and H?

Feeling sad for him?? And what about you? What is he feeling for you?

I agree with the others - he is a total shit towards you.

This isn't bloody Enid Blyton happy families where Daddy goes off for a bit with another woman and pops home to see the DCs and makes appropriate noises about how bad he feels about it all.

I think the signs that your DCs are starting to be outwardly affected by this is apparent from what you are saying. They are hearng one thing and seeing another. This must stop. Perhaps they need to see some of your anger rather than misplaced sorrow for his state of mind. Children need the truth, not some comfortable 'happy family scenario with benefits' for the father.

He is still playing with you. The dramatics of the last couple of weeks cannot be forgotten - you really must see a solicitor and get your life on track again without this leech. I think you need more formal contact and financial agreements in place.

Otherwise you will still be playing his games months from now.

Thumb, sorry missed another of your questions. He doesnt attempt to kiss me but he does sometime touch my arm or back as he walks past? He still says he loves me though?wtf???

"Old ground"? He faked a nervous breakdown to the woman he'd so desperately betrayed already, he wanted his kids to carry on panicking and sensing something was terribly wrong so he didn't have to deal with any unpleasantness, he threatened never to see them again unless you did exactly what he wanted and he had the nerve to tell you YOU were trying to control HIM?

Not bloody surprised he wants to call it history.

I had an ex who did this every time he cheated. "We can't get past it if you keep dragging it up" translates into: I want a get out of jail free card. Give me one.

Sorry, but he has treated his own children like utter shit and forced them to find this out without him there to reassure them that he wasn't abandoning them. They're damn lucky their mother has enough about her to compensate for all he so obviously lacks.

Really, REALLY angry now. More even than when he was actually pulling this crap. What a selfish, self-indulgent piece of work. He really thinks you're his mother too, doesn't he? That it's your job to take his crap, listen to his worries and mop up his mess.

You and your kids deserve so very, very much better.

What a manipulative bastard trying to get the girls to say they loved him . Jesus, if I saw this excuse for a man, I would be physically violent.

Sad for him Solost?

And the cheek of saying that you were going over old ground, about an alleged mental breakdown and flat-smashing escapade that only happened last week?!!

Solost I've got to ask this. Do you accept that this was a complete charade and pack of lies, to avoid having to face the DCs?

Agree that you need formal contact and money arrangements in place. And just watch as he starts to have more "episodes" and be a shit again once you make that point to him.

Seriously, what exactly has he lost? You are still lovely to him, you pick up the slack with the kids for him, and he has a fantasy romance on the side with the ability to play you and BB off against one another. It makes me so angry. Lord knows what he says to her about all this. Dread to think given the lies he's told you.

Oh, and if he is pushing the kids for reassurance they will distance themselves because that is emotional neediness on his part and totally inappropriate, it isn't you telling him that will do that. It's how he handles it from here on out. They are going to be hurt and angry - they have a right to be hurt and angry - but his job is to comfort and reassure as and when appropriate, as you have done. Instead it sounds like he is trying to get them to meet his need to feel less guilty and still feel a hero in their eyes, instead.

Again: NOT your responsibility. The fact they've been so keen to see him after you told them is pretty good proof you were fair and encouraging. You could have stirred up a lot of anger if you were less aware of how that could damage them - instead you let him come for Xmas despite what he'd done.

NONE of this is your doing or fault, Solost. Please don't start to doubt that.

Just ignore it solost - empty words, said to ease his conscience and from habit as much as anything. OF COURSE he doesn't love you any more - who in their right minds would put someone they loved through so much shit and pain?! If he thinks that equates to "love", he has a lot to learn about what love is. What he's doing to you certainly ain't it!

Maybe the DC are still processing. After all, the reasons may have been made clear now but the behaviour is the same, so any material change isn't obvious for them. Seems like they're processing quite effectively though - leave them to it, remind them whenever they're looking a little sad that they can always talk to you about anything, leave the door open for them. And, while I don't advocate laying your emotions on them completely, it does make sense for them to know that you are sad too - then they can feel like you're all in it together, rather than them feeling sad and you not (because you're being brave). If they think you are doing your best to be brave all the time, they will do the same to help you, by the sound of it - so you showing them some of your true feelings will help them do the same.

Now - time to focus on the New Year - are you doing anything nice or special with the DC? Try and do something that excludes H if you can - might as well start the year the way it's going to continue!

Maybe because they are protective of you, would the dcs be more likely to confide in another relative? You sound as if you have good family around.

My mother had the same problem with my father (and he did much worse than your Ex-H), it was comforting to slip back into old habits with him, have him around, and it probably made her briefly happy. Your exH isn't a monster with fangs but is utterly selfish at this point in his life (and I'm guessing will be for quite some years to come) to the detriment of everyone else, including his children. Remember ExH has moved on, he is living with and loving someone else.

Not saying this to hurt you, just want you to protect yourself a little bit.

I find the fact that he shows you physical signs of affection very manipulative. Whether he is aware of what he is doing, who knows, but its having the right effect.

You are worth more than this and focus on the fact that all of this is his choice.

You now have your turn to have your choices. If that sucks for him, so be it. Hang on in there until you get proper legal advice - it will begin to open doors for you that will give you freedom to be without him - and be free from his games. The solicitor won't take no shit.

I am getting a horrible feeling of deja vu here

solo...you are going round in a circle, love

now pull yourself up short before you actually go backwards

Please stop pissing about talking on the phone and having little chats about life, BB, the DC here and there.

He saw the DC, then called later to chat to you about it? WHY?, he is garnering support from you again! Cut off that lifeline.

he is trying to smooth everything over, has faked mental illness, has harmed himself to fake smashing up her flat, wheedled out of being honest with his DC, threatened to never see them again unless you did what he was demanding.... and is now trying to extract marks out of 10 for love for him from the children whose life he has turned upside down.

He is touching you and stroking you, trying to keep you sweet too, to make himself feel better. What an utter skunk.

Tell the DC that no matter what they want to ask, no matter what they think about anything, if you can help them, or explain anything to please come and talk to you, that you will always be there for them wherever and whenever they need you. You are now a team and all there to help each other.

THUMB: Hope they are 'processing', not realy thought about being 'brave' in front of them having a negative effect. I did tell DS tonight that I was also sad that daddy had chosen to live elsewhere but that we would all get through it together and that things/he would feel better eventually.

Havent decided what to do re: new year - but am definately giving it some thought. Think we need some new 'traditions' as doing things that we used to do with H seem to make them sad.

PERFECTSTORM: Thank you. I do realise its not my fault but hate not being able to take away DC's pain (I know I can't do that). He is trying to reassure himself of the DC's feelings for him AND I think they know it too. Think he is beginning to see exactly what he has done to them - through their attitude towards him.

WWIFN: To a certain extent I do accept what you say re: last week. But he is certainly under serious mental strain/stress.

There are certain things that he has said/done which I know are not normal for him. And things that are going on with BB - which ftr I have not enquired about BUT for example, last night after speaking to DCs I spoke to H to arrange what time he was coming over to pick up DC's, I could hear a woman screaming and shouting in the background (H was outside BB's flat) - I assumed he was at some pub and told him off for ringing the DCs with all that noise - he said he was outside the flat and that it was BB who was shouting - just said - really dont want to know and put the phone down. Today he said, you don't want to know what happened last night when I rang - I said 'you're right - I don't' and left it at that. Am v. intrigued though - know I shouldnt!

< narrows eyes >

AF et al are right - careful you don't start sliding backwards. HE might be under a lot of strain but STOP CARING. He is doing different things from what you are used to but they might be NORMAL FOR HIM NOW. Remember that you no longer know this man in the way you thought you did - you are not able to say what is normal for him now because you don't know him now.

Well done for refusing to engage on the BB screaming thing - especially as it must have been very intriguing to find out! But stay resolute - it will work better for you in the long run.

(I'm not shouting at you, btw, just need lots of different emphasis)

LMHM: He rang 'to check how the DCs were after he left'. We only spoke about them - nothing else - honest. He is seeing DC's again on Saturday - I will have no contact with him til then. He calls the DC's on a morning then before they go to bed, they answer the phone, I dont speak to him OR answer any of his 'u ok' texts that he still sends several times a day. I do think I have done OK with the detaching????

AF: I see where you are coming from but see post to LMHM - I thought I was doing OK????

GTSP: I dont think he realises he's doing it tbh - just like absentmindedly - not all the time or anything!

KANGAROOCAUGHT: Have asked PIL and mum to keep an eye on DC's when they are with them. They stayed with my Mum when I to work earlier this week and she spoke to middle DD and told he she could speak to her about any worries etc. but she didnt want to confide in her either. Will just keep an eye on her for now.

yes, you are doing ok

but I see sentimentality slipping back into your posts and you really, really would be foolish to let that slip back into your interactions with him

things have moved very quickly for you

it wasn't that long ago you posted to admit to still sleeping wih him, even after he had left for OW

sorry to bring that up, and give me a < narrows eyes > look right back at me if you like, but you need to stay in the real world or you will be the one who suffers

Sorry, but why is he ringing you to see how the kids are? Why is that any of his concern?

If he were that bothered he'd have come round himself before to put his side across and not invented a tub of crap to get out of it.

I think you are doing fairly well, but you are still reassuring him somehow. Let the fucker stew.

Good for you with the screaming BB thing. They make a lovely couple don't they?

in response to what you said in your last post - you are doing ok but not detaching enough. Because you still care about him and his feelings. When you detach, you won't care about his side of things - beyond normal human compassion - because it won't matter to you any more. All the time you still care about how he is feeling, you are still attached to him and he will do whatever he can to foster that attachment.

I am also very intrigued to know what goes on in my DS's love life/FB/MSN - BUT he is 19!

Please try and get away from his dramas and the fact that he is providing you with a daily dose of OK! or whatever. He was your DH, a man who made vows with you, had three DCs with you and seems to have regressed to some sort of schoolboy behaviour where is is 'not in control of his own feelings'. And then he comes back to you to 'confess'. Yeuch!

Of course all of these stories are very compelling, but they are designed to make you sympathetic and not focus on the facts of the situation.