HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

I don't think I'd personally print that off for H, solo. If he's at all clever he'll just use it to f* with your mind with more complexity iyswim. Better to just keep it and have it for your reference ao you know what he's up to. Those are just my thoughts - not sure if others will agree.

Having a brilliant day here and I hope you are, too, solost :) and everyone else.

no, I agree with SE

don't give him more armoury to fuck with your emotions (by giving him the insight that link provides)

don't do him that favour

just hug it to yourself, safe in the knowledge you will probably be able to predict his next step before it even enters his tiny mind

like we have all been able to from the beginning of your story..with the benefit of being completely detached

you are detaching beautifully...keep it that way x

I agree with those saying not to show him the link. At the best, it would be antagonistic (= engaging with him - nonononono!), and at the worst, he could start using it to mess about even more.

Hope you have had a good Christmas, all!

Keep the list and tick it off.

Merry Christmas to you and the dcs, Solost

Gosh, I missed that you were thinking of showing him that link! NOOOOOOoooooo!! I really hope you didn't do that.
It's never a good idea to let manipulative people know that you understand their manipulations - better to stay one step ahead of them instead with the secret knowledge.

'Have delivered a load of unwanted toys to the local hospital's childrens ward (to make way for the new ones!) and been out for tea to the local Italian restaurant' - am in awe Solost! Hope you had a lovely day once your sorry excuse of an ex husband went back 'home' to bunny boiler

Hello to everyone, hope you all have a lovely day.

Well H came on time - and we did the 'family Christmas' thing - DC's seemed to like it.

He did have one use though, I am rubbish at sorting electrical gizmo's so he sorted DS's Xbox thingy for him.

He fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon wtf? think he may be getting too settled!

Woke him to let him know we were going to PIL's and then we left. Got a text from him tonight.

'Hope you and kids had a nice time today, I did.
Hope they are OK and having fun now.
Just got back to flat. Pl text when you are back and I will phone.
Going out about 9.
Have a lovely nite.

Didn't bother to reply.

Off to bed now to read the new novel I got for Xmas, didnt get to bed til 2.45am this morning as DC was so excited he kept waking every time I tried to deliver his prezzies!!

Wont be showing the list to H btw, just thinking aloud!

Have a great Boxing Day x

Good grief Solo - see what happens when YOU take charge of things!! He toes the line. Good thing too.

Glad you didn't show him the list - it would have just been an opportunity for him to do a kicked puppy act and be really hurt that you could believe those things of him. Or kick off and be really angry. Either way, counterproductive.

Sounds like you had a good day after all - hurrah! Hope the DC are going to be looked after by PILs tomorrow, just in case.

Solo just checked in and want to give you a drunken Xmas snog .

I am so glad you told them and detached when he wanted you to phone and are having me time instead.

I feel your pain I went to bed about 4 last night as kids awake +kiddie duties up at 6!!!!!!!!!

So tired today, but it was worth it and I drunk a whole bottle of bubbly to myself! My treat today as one has to stay "with it" at all times with 4 young kids, 2 are disabled so it's constant for me. But I have a rare night off :)

Glad you had a great Christmas, solost :)
You sound much happier!
Did H stay in your house after you had left to go to PILs?

Short of time but just wanted to pop in and say I am thinking of you solo. Happy christmas to one and all. There is a lovely bunch of 'friends' on this thread. A sterling example of the benefits of online relationships IMHO. X

Solost,

Have been reading, keep the focus on you and the Dc. You're doing so well. Came across this and want to post the link to help you realise how ridiculous they are. (hope it works)

www.xtranormal.com/watch/7486711

THUMB: Hope you had a good boxing day. H arrive on time (early in fact) and seemed calm and OK so let him look after the DC's (had PIL on standby just in case). Had to practically lever him out of the door when I got back - he didnt seem to want to go!

He rang and texted this morning - ignored the text, gave kids the phone. Then spoke to him - he wanted to come over tommorrow to look after DC's whilst I was at work but have already arranged for my mum to do it - she hasnt seen much of the over Xmas. Seemed a bit put out but hey ho.

EMMYLOULOU: Glad you had a good Xmas - and I thought I had it tough with 3!!!! Don't know how you do it - but when you have no choice, you just have to get on with it don't you?

STAREXPAT: Hope you had a good one too! Left him sleeping on the sofa - didn't want a row on Xmas day - he tidied up and let himself out - not ideal but Christmas comes once a year!

DONTDISS: Thanks! Have been thinking of you all too X

IRONWILLEDMAMA: Thanks - it made me smile on a snowy 'bank holiday boxing day' or whatever today is known as!

Solost you sound so great :) I had a fantastic Xmas thanks! DS is 26 months and this is the first year he had anticipation and can talk and was super excited about it. Still on a high from it

Remember we're all here for you still, no matter what happens. You're doing brilliantly. XX

Btw was wondering how middle DD is doing? And are kids still wanting to see H often?

STAREXPAT,

Glad you had a fab Xmas. Ours was OK, kids loved having H here but also seem OK now he's not.

Felt a bit flat today though, like I psyched myself up for Xmas/Boxing day and now ....

H has been ringing all day - told him this morning to leave us alone and get on with his new life! BB has the week off so they can have a full week together! He told me this morning that they were going for a country drive and a pub lunch, asked him tonight if he'd enjoyed his day - he said 'she didn't surface til lunchtime'! Made me feel better - terrible arnt I?

We hit the sales with various gift cards - bought load of unsuitable stuff, pink false eyelashes from Claires for middle DD!!!

She is still quiet and I'm just giving her a little bit more attention - a friend bought me a 'model makeover' thingy for 2 people and I asked DD if she would like to come with me and have a makeover and photo - that seemed to cheer her up a bit!

Oi! He's still doing it and you're still letting him! Badmouth BB to you, I mean. He does it to make you feel good/hopeful. Every bloody conversation, it seems, he slips in something about her, usually something insulting. What the blazes does he think he's playing at?

Agree with Annie - glad you're having a good time and it IS perfectly natural to have smuggish happy feelings that things aren't all fabby in H&BB-land - but still that means you are emotionally engaging in his life.
It will all become more natural to you as time goes by - just keep remembering to say "your choice, live with it" and leave it at that. DON'T ask - even if you sometimes get an answer that makes you smirk, other times you will get an answer that hurts you unnecessarily because YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW!

If he is so disrespectful to BB (his "soulmate") as to badmouth her to you, imagine what sort of thing he will be saying to her about you. Maybe that will help stop the discussions. In fact, if he says anything more about her, say that you think it is very rude of him to tell you anything about her and you HOPE he isn't just as rude as to tell her anything about you! Say it in an as "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" voice as you can manage, show your distaste for his behaviour. But - stay calm and neutral about it as well.

The photo shoot thing sounds wonderful - real chance for bit of girl-time for the both of you. :)

Remember as well that you will still have ups and downs - but that the downs will diminish in frequency (not always in intensity though!) and the ups will gradually take over.

Please don't engage with him, stop bloody asking him about his life.

it's not your concern, and you don't need to keep feeding his ego/insecurity.

Remember he is getting support from you that he is not entitled to.

Switch the bloody phone OFF if he starts calling and calling. Seriously.

focus on your DD, get your DC sorted out and enjoy the silence of not having this idiot in your lives any more.

Solo good advice here, but I hope he has a bloody miserable week too!!!

Solost Aren't you bloody furious about the stunts he pulled last week to get out of facing his DCs with the truth? And yet, within days of doing this, you've allowed him to fall asleep on your sofa, have unfettered access to your home and you're asking him if he had a nice day?

He managed to get completely off the hook from the thing he dreaded most and because you did such a superb job of it, has suffered no consequences. Of course, I'm delighted the DCs are fine at the moment, but you should be treating him with utter contempt. I cannot understand why you're not.

WWIFN - perhaps it's because the DC are fine, so it's easier to let the bad shit slide out of memory - if the DC were still in a state, I'm sure Solost would be still up in arms about it! But I agree with you - she should be utterly contemptuous of her H. It's about all he deserves.

Solost - am going to suggest we start calling him your nearly-exH. I know divorce is not on the cards at the moment but let's face it, he's not coming back - and even if he does, do you really want him back, now you've seen what he is capable of? And, more to the point, now that you know what you are capable of without him.

Hi Solost

I am really glad for you that the dc took the news ok and I am sure your dd will be ok too we all handle things in different ways. From time to time I check in with my dc that they are ok with everything so they know they can always approach me or talk about stuff.

I think this time ahead now will be quite hard now the adrenaline has gone out of you and there might be feelings of flatness etc.

How are you feeling about your H now the dust has settled after all the goings on of last week ? I understand that continuing to love someone who has behaved the way he has defies logic but we are human after all.

However you are feeling towards him though I would try and not be involved in the detail of his life with BB and start putting some boundaries in place about where he sees dc rather than in your home if thats possible ?Who knows whether he is starting to change his mind about her and having regrets or whether he has his own reasons for wanting you to suspect that.

Keep strong Solost

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: Ooops, but its sooooo difficult sometimes!

THUMB: I see where your coming from but its so hard sometimes. Was being sarky when I asked what he was doing but I suppose part of me did want to know - its a hard habit to break so it seems!

LMHHHF: I will.

WWIFN: Your post brought me up short. You are right - last week I was fuming but because of the relatively smooth situation - I have just slid back. I left H on the sofa because it was easier than having a row on Xmas day in front of the DC's btw - probably not right but didnt really want to spoil their day.

TPPW: Yes you are right, because they seem to have come through this relatively unscathed I have already 'forgotten' last weeks dramas. Don't know about wanting him back - think its as someone mentioned in an earlier post like a scale of what percentage you want him back and want percentage you dont iyswim. Last week it was definately not but its still so had to switch off feelings for someone it would be so much easier if I could.