HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

OOooh kangeroo, what did you do..?

Solost apologies I didn't realise H was 80 miles away.
H just has to make sure he makes your children feel loved, in his actions and words.

Oh yes Kangaroo - do tell, what did you do? .

Glad to hear all is well Solost.

Wll, like Solost's H, my father was very concerned about his reputation and other peoples' good opinion of him but he was also prolific liar (when conducting affairs)

Returned home from uni for Christmas (my mother by that time had died) & up on the bookcase was a photograph of my father, brother and so-called 'cousin', an attractive middle-aged blonde, that they had been down to Surrey to visit. Asked the name of this hitherto unknown 'cousin' and made the connection (she was the OW when my mother was pg with my brother many years ago - I had come across some old correspondence between her and my mother when clearing her effects).

Was so hacked off that my father had lied to my brother like that (and presumably the OW hadn't changed her spots either) that when my kindly but fierce paternal grandfather came for Christmas I innocently said, "Oh have you seen this picture of Dad with his cousin?" and behind my grandfather I could see my father desperately miming "No! No!"

Avoided a Christmas Day rift with "my mistake" and then later asked my father who she was; he claimed he'd never said she was a cousin, she was just an old friend. Told him I could have sworn he said cousin and so did gt-aunt (who lived with us) and db who'd actually met her. Then I cut to the chase and suggested perhaps he should be truthful in future as it could prove very embarrassing (for him). He took my meaning.

This is a real Christmas story, after all! "Silent Night" sees a family, a calm little family, finally resting - exhausted - in their makeshift situation. Heavenly chaos all above (poor shepherds - unlike your H and his companion), political chaos in the land ( our political chaos, and 2000-odd years ago with a census which was probably running late and over budget...). Challenges aplenty in the weeks and years to come, but always remaining attuned to this Silent Night and to this love.

If you are not religious, remember that you and the children can keep this calm with you forever if you remember it properly and refer to it as you go through the turbulence in your lives. If you are religious, think of it as "the still, small voice of calm," and do the same!

A Happy Christmas to you all!

WWIFN - the worry box is such a clever idea - so emotionally intelligent!

Morning Solo - wow things have moved on again - and for the better this time it seems!!

BRAVO to you, as everyone else has said, what a fab mum you are. You CONSISTENTLY put them first and they know it. I hope I can be the kind of mum to my (very tiny) DD that you are to your three :)

So much has happened, but note in brief the key points. Your H decides he REALLY doesn't want the children told. Unlike with previous situations which he wants to control, covert manipulation of you doesn't work. So, he ups the ante and makes wild threats (and really shows his nasty side). However, you don't cave (perhaps even more importantly, you don't even really engage with him over it - you just go ahead and do it!). The threats evaporate and your H is almost immediately on the phone, tail between legs, ASKING if he can come around at Christmas.

It's the first time you've really stood up to him, and NONE of what he threatened has happened, instead, he's totally cowed.

In addition, I think that there's now no doubt at all that he's shown himself to be controlling, manipulative in the extreme, and vindictive (even to his innocent children) if things don't go exactly his way. There's no rationalising the last few days away. You know exactly where you stand now.

Remember both of these things the next time the manipulation, sulks, anger starts! It would be a VERY GOOD THING for this to become a line in the sand - for you to say to him:

'You crossed a line. Know now that I will do the best for our children, not for you. Start respecting that, and my position as the parent left with responsibility, and things can be ok. Keep on attempting to control our lives for your benefit, and you will only push us all further apart - and YOU will suffer for that'.

Best of luck for today, tomorrow and Boxing Day...and of course for happier times ahead! I'll be raising a toast to you tomorrow!

Happy Christmas Eve solo(st)

What are your plans today? Do you have any special traditions? I hope your DC's are filled with wonder and excitement for the big day tomorrow. It's amazing how distracting a big pile of presents can be!

OK my linking abilities will probably let me down here but ,.....

www.pathpartners.com/forum/index.php?topic=277.0

Heres the script Solost - which is so aptly following. Quite scarily actually.

This was blatantly stolen off another thread, but when I read I instantly thought of you.

So probably no mental health crisis, just sad predicitability.

So when he does dramatically reveal he's in the midst of a breakdown you can provide this helpful link and tell him no dear your just a sad statistic mate. And sadly predictable at that.

Horseandchickens - really enjoyed that link. It's astounding how human behaviour can be so predictable. Read a popular science theory type of book the other day explaining some theories behind everything actually being a computer simulation we are taking place in (Matrix kind of thing). First paragraph very sceptical by the time I'd finished I certainly had food for thought. How the more they discovered about physics the less the rules were "true" and one possible reason would be there were "glitches" in the program.

Funny comment was that we'd know for sure one day when giant words appeared in the sky saying something like: Congratulations you can now move on to Level 2.

When you read something depicting human behaviour so accurately it really is a little disconcerting. Almost feels as if we are part of a Simms program if you know what I mean?

I think what Solo needs to really pay attention to from your link is the part referring to "confusing" the spouse. This is really what's going on with her. It may help her to see how calculating it is and really does stop the spouse being able to move on.

H keeping the options open but for entirely selfish/malicious reasons (not for genuine love/respect for spouse) they are an instrument to get what HE requires. Solo really shouldn't want to get back with someone treating her like that anyway (as she has recently starting to see more clearly).

As I said before, falling out of love with this character is the only way to go. He is not "loveable". Once Solo calls time on all his games the bear bones of the man can be assessed, he can shape up/ship out. Solo will only gain strength no matter the outcome.

H&C - that link was scarily accurate! Worrying. Couldn't quite work out the basis of the forum there - is it for people whose partners have left them? Doesn't matter.

Solo - I hope your Christmas Eve is going well and your DC are fine - wonder what tomorrow will bring for you. When do you see the parents/PILs? Will they come over to you or do you go to theirs?

If I don't manage to get on again (seeing as how it is now 1:22am for me on Christmas Day) I will say have as good a Christmas as you can under the circs and Stay Strong - we're all behind you and so very proud of how well you've done. It's quite hard to take on other people's experience - the temptation is always to believe that yours will somehow be different - and you have done marvellously well.

love and hugs to you and your DC for the "festive season" and I hope the DC are going to PILs for Boxing Day.

h&c, that link is brilliant

I have saved it for future stealing use

solost, you must read it

OMG

has it touched a nerve with you, DF ?

Well, AF, the script is totally familiar to me - but in my case, H said those speeches early on; never mind, he is finally divorcing me, but I think I have been dealing with that behaviour for years; I read it and had to stop (will probably go back and read it again) because it rang too many bells.

And, he hit the big 40 earlier this year btw.

sorry about what you have had to deal with, DF x

Thanks, AF.

Maybe we need to put this link at the top of the relationships section so that people can easily access it. I'm not kidding. It could help a lot of people.

PLUPERVERT: And a silent night we are having too! The DC's are all sleeping and I am just wrapping the last few bits before trying to sneak upstairs as 'Santa'! .

H came round to see DC's earlier - he seemed OK? but when he left it seemed everyone gave a sigh of relief and our house returned to 'normal'?

He rang on the way back to 'the flat' to say goodnight to the DC's and said BB was expecting him to go out tonight but he had refused and 'she wasnt happy' just replied 'oh dear' and thought - thank god, would hate all that trying to please other people stuff - think I am starting to enjoy being alone.

Anyway wishing you a very happy Christmas and thank you for your support X

THEBEEFYDWT: Thank you. I am sure judging from your intuitive advice and compassion that you are a brilliant mum to your DD.

I am really touched by your comments.

Hope you have a fantastic Xmas - having kids really does move the whole festive thing to a new level - we have spent the evening tracking Santa via the internet and checking the DC's rooms for elves?? (middle DC's has this thing about making friends with one!) .

Merry Xmas x

FANTUS: Merry Christmas to you too X

We are re-writing the whole Xmas tradition thing (see post above!). Have delivered a load of unwanted toys to the local hospital's childrens ward (to make way for the new ones!) and been out for tea to the local Italian restaurant.

Fingers crossed everything will go OK tommorrow - H seems calmer, says he will be here at 6.00am (will believe that when I see it) to see DC's opening their presents. But tbh cant wait for him to bugger off back to BB's so we can go down to PIL's for a family party!

HORSESANDCHICKENS: Thanks for the link - will be printing it out (on DS's new printer/photocopier/scanner - the Xmas present he wanted more than anything??) and passing it to H.

Good idea do you think?

Merry Christmas x

TPPW: Merry Christmas! Hope you had a peaceful happy day.

Am just sorting the last of the wrapping - it really never ends does it? before 'eating' the reindeers carrot and Santa's cookie and glugging down his glass of rose!

Peace has decended - will see what tommorrow brings but for tonight - no tears, no panics, everyone is happy. x

AF: Have read and digested.

Merry Christmas x

I wonder why H had to call to say goodnight when he had just left the kids? Was it more likely he was trying to get you onside by telling you he was not going out as BB wanted?

I think your Christmas Eve sounds magical. Have a lovely time tomorrow, and don't eat too many carrots tonight, spoils the appetite

MERRY CHRISTMAS SOLO (and everyone) xxx

Sounds like you're doing brilliantly :) I found one last present that escaped the wrap-fest too. Hope you and your DCs have a wonderful day xx

Merry christmas Solo, thinking of you and your little ones.

Hugs to all those that need them and all those that know me!

Merry Christmas Solo to you and your DC's

If H has kept to his word he should be with you now. I am currently trying to keep 8 month old DD entertained so she doesn't disturb DS (4) who has just got up to go to the toilet (and walked past his full stocking and sack) and then gone back to bed After being so excited last night he has now forgotten what day it is!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day x

Merry Christmas to everyone on this thread, especially Solo - who could have believed when you started this what position of strength and calmness you are in now - fantastic!

Hope your day goes smoothly and that you have a lovely time at your PILs.

Remember - nod and smile a very small smile whenever your H tries to engage you in any kind of discussion re. BB or his life - that small smile that says "I'm only being polite, listening to you - actually I couldn't give a flying fuck what's going on in your life except as it affects our children"

And enjoy yourself.
(we've had a lovely day, thank you - DS loved his presents, especially the Buzz and Woody dolls, who have been having a great time together since being opened )