HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

@ Solost, hope it's a weight of your mind. The dcs will be ok because they have you, "the still point in their turning world".

Am crap at slushy stuff, so just what everyone else has said xx

OMG - Thank you all so much for your support I am SERIOUSLY overwhelmed!

I really could'nt have got through this without you all - and have tears in my eyes as I read all your comments.

I was dreading this day so much and I still remember standing in front of the mirror (smiling - it does kind of work) thinking I would rather be anywhere else than here doing this now - it would have been so easy to not go through with it but I DID IT! And now I believe I can do this and I think maybe we WILL be OK. And all that is down to you ladies - you will never know how much your support has meant to me - people who I have never met (but now I consider friends) who care, who listen, who take time to give their advice and share their experiences. You are all legends. x

I still need your advice on middle DD however. I tried to speak to her tonight but she totally shut down on me. She doesn't want to know anything about H 'new life'. She is really not interested - or so she told me.

I don't want to push it, I will keep an eye on her.

But as I sit here typing this, the house is peaceful - no tears from littlest DD tonight, no panic attacks from middle DD. They are all sleeping peacefully.

Will see what tommorrow brings. Nite all x

You will be OK, Solo, we can ALL of us see that from here!

This is the first HUGE hurdle and you and yoour DC have cleared it well.

together you will get through this, your PIL will help, god bless them!

just give her some time and space

she will come around in her own time

"Not interested" probably means it's a bit much for now and she'd rather not think about it just yet. The fact that she didn't have a panic attack is promising. She'll likely ask you some very penetrating questions in due course, perhaps quite a long way in the future, when she's ready.

See, yon bloke is being totally inconsistent again. Take how he didn't want you to tell the DCs until after Christmas, but also (in the same conversation?) insisted they should have been told months ago. So, er, is it too early to tell them, or too late? One suspects he may have wanted them told at the beginning because you would have been more compliant then and probably gone along with the "mutual decision" charade instead of insisting on the truth.

Then, when it was apparent that you weren't going to back down, suddenly he gives a sulky sort of "permission", presumably to maintain the illusion that he is still in control.

Re. middle DD - s few thoughts:
she may just need more time to process it; it's possible that one or more of her friends have gone through similar and she is worrying about how it affected them;
she may be worrying about "wicked stepmothers" from story books;
she may have suspected it all along;
she may have been very close to her Dad and this has destroyed her illusions about him even more than the others so she is bitterly hurt and angry with him;
she may think she is still to blame in some way, even though you have told her this is not the case;
she may even (although not necessarily) think you are in some part to blame so doesn't want to talk to you about it;
she may be waiting until she hears her Dad's side of it;
she might just be one of those who doesn't do public grief.

Give her time, let her know she can come to you with any questions any time she likes and you promise to answer them honestly to the best of your ability. Then leave her to it (but with lots of love and support of course).

Am so glad that you are seeing the benefits of a peaceful household, now that they all know what's going on.

Sleep well - strong woman that you are! :)

That is so impressive that they went off to sleep well tonight (no panic attacks or crying) - a real reflection of how well you have done this

I woke up with ds and wanted to check on you. My God, you are definitely my heroine. I agree on the girlcrush/relationship guru! What a truly amazing, dignified and courageous woman you are.

Don't worry about middle dd. It sounds like it's too much to take in right now so she is blocking it out until she is more able to deal with it. Lots of unrelated cuddles and warmth and attention and just being there so she is able to talk when ready will do the trick, I'm sure. I hope they aren't all a bit difficult with one another over the next few weeks as that will be hard for you, but it wouldn't surprise me tbh. It's common for kids to take this sort of thing out on one another. But it will pass.

Hope your plans for a lovely Xmas are proceeding apace. And well done too for accepting his seeing them over that period, for their sake. The temptation to refuse would have been great, for me, after all the crap he pulled. You constantly put them first, and it's so impressive to see.

Well done Solo, I think you are amazing too. SO pleased yesterday went better than you thought- here's hoping everything else will too.

As everyone has said, your children are very very lucky to have you and you and they will be just FINE (if not even better than that!) xx

You are an incredible woman. I am proud to bear (virtual) witness to your strength and integrity.

Re your daughter. I would not talk to her about too much for a could of days, just lots of extra loving touches like dropping a quick kiss on her head as you pass by. In a few days make a space to talk. Not face to face, my best 'methid' if my boys are troubled us to take them out on the car on some spurious excuse. Doing puzzles or drawing/colouring together, even cooking, together also works.

Then be up front. Tell her you have been having a worry about her? Ask if she is missing her daddy? Say you miss being together as a family too.

Oh I am sure you know all this! Just wanted to help and I know more about children than husbands! Xx

Morning solo

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life

I am sure there will be a few more bumps in the road but you are more than strong enough to overcome them. And everyone will be here with their wise words and advice if you need it (and I'll bring the pom poms!)

I hope you and your DC's manage to find some joy today and your DC's come a step closer to coming to terms with the situation

Wow! What a woman. Look how well you've handled this! Takes my breath away how you've dealt with the last few days and to think of your children seeming more contented at bedtime says it all.

Like everyone says the kids will be processing over a bit of time and different emotions will come out. I agree with whoever said find an excuse for a drive/walk/help me with something as that is exactly what my son is like and will really starts opening up. Not necessarily the first time, but just those times spent sitting quietly together (say car for eg.) a dialogue will naturally develop. Boys do seem more comfortable talking not face to face but whilst doing something in my experience too.

Also maybe with the girls over the next month or so (once they've started processing info) see if you can get someone to look after others while doing something individually with each one.

Recent events, although no-one would wish them upon anyone! have actually done you a favour really, I think. What we were all seeing behind his mask (which was held tightly in place by your caring attitude and love) has rather violently in the last few days been ripped off, by himself, in the frustration of being unable to control you. He has sensed some of your detatchment and his mask is now laying in pieces.

The type of love you are capable of, I'm afraid he isn't capable of. You have been believing him capable of the same breadth of love as you are, and unable to imagine someone being so manipulative. It does seem mad to us "nice" people doesn't it? However, you don't need to understand it (as you have been trying to over recent months) - you just need to start recognising it. As sad as it is, to accept the disappointment that some people really, are that selfish. It's only just beginning to hit home with you that he's actually that selfish isn't it?

As I said before over the next few months you will look back over your marriage and you will realise that this isn't a recent trait of his. It's actually something you've been busy juggling and accommodating your whole time together.

I agree with everyone who said that him changing his mind again over Christmas, speaks volumes of his real personality. You are seeing it now also and I hope you will be cautious, as it's a very easy trap to fall back into the pattern of thinking "oh I think he's seen the error of his ways" and it's all going to be hunky dory now.

Remember it is actually still part of his game - we can obviously see that - make sure you remember. We have very cold we fish available at the side of all of our computers here ready at any time you need them for a good old slap!

Don't worry, in time the patterns will be so obvious to you too. You will actually (and I know this seems a long way off but it's not so far now) you will actually LAUGH yes I said laugh at how predictable he is. You will be watching him say something and responding "oh yes, yes" and inside you will be merrily sharing jokes with yourself and watching him switch from one form of control to another! Honestly it will become funny to you. You will feel so strong as he loses his power over you.

You seeing him as he really is, will maybe make him actually step up to the mark and develop the capacity to love. People never really need what they want if you know what I mean? If you give a selfish person everything they want, does it make them happy? No, the only way for them to develop as a person is to not give them everything and make them WORK to be with YOU.

You used to think you wanted him back. You are now going to see that you are not the same person anymore. You wouldn't be happy going back to the way things were either. You would need so much more from any relationship with him than he was able/willing to give previously.

That's why everyone says whatever the outcome you want get back/move on the only way is to fully detach, find out who you are again, start making decisions only for YOU. Then the other person either responds and moves hell and high water to change themselves big time or the alternative is you have actually moved on and wouldn't want them back.

That's why detaching is the only way to go. In a way until you've completely fallen out of love with this man would there be anything worth salvaging. You really will start to see that this man was never worthy of the love and devotion you were giving.

I shall stop rambling on now. I just wanted to make sure you are aware over the next few days to not fall into any of his "traps". He will be laying them. They are "emotional traps" and some of them might feel pleasant. So remember to resist!

of him has actually been rather violently pulled clean off his face now hasn't it!

you've actually just gone straight up and pulled it off and seen the reality of the underneath now haven't you?

solost if you continue to wrap them in love they will be just fine. All that kids require is constancy and love, and you provide that is spades. They know the world is not about to implode, and they are staying there with their lovely mum, and that dad will continue to call/see them all the time.

I hope you feel stronger today, you did a good thing and should be very proud

in spades, sorry.

Sorry about the random last two lines! Cut and paste difficult to do when doing too much waffling! My NY resolution really must be to be more succinct (has been for about 40 years!).

I hope you and your children have a good Christmas and next year is the start of great things for you.

There will be more drama and tears and some very painful times for you. Such as when the children first go to stay with ex and OW.

Handle them with the dignity and strength and the love that you have shown for and to your children.

You have put them first in this but don't forget yourself.

solost big pat on the back, you have done so well.

The hard bit is now over so onwards and upwards.
Like I said when my mum left I did OK due to the honesty. I still had two parents who loved me, they had joint custardy which they both agreed on and I got to see each of them nearly everyday. I don't think it had any lasting effects on me. I did well at school, have always held down a job, bought my own house, have a lovely DD and am getting married in March. OK so I did it all the wrong way round but I am happy.

Your children will ask some random questions I am sure but like you said they slept soundly last night and that is a testament to your honesty.

Have a lovely Christmas.

Solost well done.

You are together with your children again, a unit. Stay together.

Do write a little card and list all the silly remarks/threats your ex has said, so next time he pulls another stunt, you can add it to list. You could even read him the list?

I think your ex is trying to drag you into his moral turmoil but you are so amazing that I think it is impossible. You are taking your time to come to your own conclusions. I think you children are so lucky to have such a warm, caring mother. They will learn so much from you.

Solost you did so well yesterday and I'm glad you were rewarded with a peaceful house last night. I expect because lying and deception (however well-intentioned) is something that causes you discomfort, you will now feel enormously relieved that you can be yourself in your own home. That will have put an enormous strain on you in recent months, along with everything else.

I understand that you want to be guided by the DCs about seeing him over the next couple of days, but that doesn't have to mean that you see him. Is there any way of brokering a compromise so that he sees the DCs in the company of your PILs for a couple of hours tomorrow or Saturday, but not you?

If I had to spend a jolly Christmas lunch with this manipulative charlatan, I would have trouble stopping the gravy boat making contact with his head, after the stunts he has pulled this week, so don't completely subsume your own needs, will you?

WRT your middle DD, IME there is always one child at least in a family who is a reflector and internalises. I think Thumb's list of what she could be thinking is right, but also sadly, some children feel guilt because they found a clue while the affair was going on, heard or saw something and understandably did nothing about that. As you know with DCs (and adults to an extent) they need a frame of reference for new situations and she may well be looking for similarities between this situation and one that has happened to a friend, or another family.

All kids are different and you know your DD better than anyone, but as the days go on, instead of asking her "Do you have any questions?" it might be worth tailoring the questions to each individual. Your middle DD might respond better to open questions, such as "Tell me what's on your mind" or "What are you looking forward to in the New Year?"

I think it might also be a good thing to speak to them about emotions and their value and give them "permission" to have them. So there might be an element of feeling sorry for their Dad, which they should be praised for, because it shows empathy. Or anger, which is perfectly acceptable as long as it doesn't harm them or others. It's also okay for them to feel excited at the prospect of sleeping over at a new house. I think it's important that you acknowledge whatever it is they are feeling, but at the same time, don't make excuses for your ex-H and don't lie to them about your feelings either.

Depending on how they learn, it might also be a good thing to encourage them to write down any questions they have. A "worry box" is a good idea for these situations and you can agree as a quartet how these worries will be dealt with; anonymised and dealt with as a family, or signed worries that are dealt with on an individual basis. Perhaps you can have both.

Wishing you continued strength over the coming days.

Hey Solo(st) - how's it going today? How are you, how are your DC?

I think that WWIFN has made a very useful point there - it would be a good thing if you could let your DC see their father without you necessarily being there, unless you want to - are your PILs planning on seeing him at all?
Come to that, are you planning on seeing your parents/PILs on Christmas Day yourself?

Please sack the restaurant with H idea. It will be farcical. The DC will know it's wrong, the atmosphere will be shite - it's just not going to be worth it.

Remember - you are a Strong Independent Woman who has an Inner Tigress that protects your Cubs when required - or something like that, anyway. Remind yourself of this whenever you feel a little low. :)

So glad thats over for you now Solost, lots of great advice which I wont add to apart from to say my10yo dd was the same and I just keep an eye on her and check in with her about everything from time to time so she knows its an open door.

Enjoy your Christmas with your family and dont get drawn into sob stories / guilt trips from him which will no doubt wing their way to you once he knows the dc are ok and he can pop his head above the parapet now.

Even better would be not to see him at all. I agree with what everyone has said regarding that subject.

I'd see if you can find a way for the PIL to see kids and him at the same time.

I really think long term you need to find some way of distancing the amount of contact between the two of you.

The only way he can see you've moved on and you to actually really achieve it is via less contact. I suspect by being around when he sees them you are actually providing a "fix" for him. This isn't how the true re-evaluation of feelings on either of your parts is achieved.

I'd def start rationing myself if I were you. Do not be available for his chats etc. You need to be valued, which he doesn't. He won't realise how much value you are until you're not providing the continuing support.

Leave him to his own choices. Move on with your life. See the solicitor. Find yourself. See/talk to him as little as possible and ONLY about the children.

Good luck.

KETTLECRISPS: I agree - I am now starting to detach. I haven't spoken to him today - just passed the phone to the DC's when he rang.

He won't see the kids with PIL btw - he is'nt going to see them (PIL) at all over Xmas, he is still too ashamed (or spineless or both!).

GETTINGEASIER: Thanks x

TPPW: We have been OK today - apart from a 45 minute wait at the checkout of the supermarket! Hell on earth.

The DC's have been OK, a bit quiet maybe but calm. Middle DD doesnt want to talk yet but seems OK with us - she didnt want to speak to H though and I had a chat with her earlier and she said she wasnt interested in H's 'new life'. Have left it at that for now.

With regard to the restaurant, the DC's still want to go.... I will do what makes them happy - after all its only a couple of hours - then he'll be gone and we can get on with enjoying Christmas.

WWIFN: Thank you for your wise words. I will implement the 'worry box' - I think its a great idea.

They have been quiet today - no further questions. H tried to talk to DS on the phone last night but DS told him he didnt want to talk on the phone he would prefer to talk face to face. Bless him - he handled himself so well.

I am just taking this one day at a time. Both middle DD and DS have asked if they have to see BB - to which I replied that they didnt have to do anything they didnt want to. They both said they didnt.

DAYTODAY: Thanks - think its a good idea to write things down - am going to start doing this, although I am trying to speak to H as little as possible.

HAVETOWEARHEELS: Thanks for sharing your experiences - it is heartening to know that some kids come through this relatively unscathed. However, H is living 80 miles away in a 1 bed flat with someone I suspect is a funtioning alcoholic so shared custody is not really an option for us.

XALES: Thank you x

PERFUMED: Thank you - I do feel stronger tbh. Sometimes I look back on how I was a couple of months ago and I don't recognise that person anymore.

KETTLECRISPS: You are right. You have been all along - he did have some of those traits when we were together but because we were together for so long and I have never lived with or loved anyone else I suppose I had no comparison to make. Its only now, after being alone that I can see this (as well as you and others wacking me over the head with it in your posts!).

I see now what you mean about detaching - I used to look forward to seeing H but now I sort of dread it? It kind of upsets my routine - listen to me .

Thanks for taking the time to write your epic post! I really appreciate it, you are a very insightful lady. x

FANTUS: Thank you . It really DID feel like that too.

DONTDISS: Thanks - I have put your suggestion into practice today - spent a little extra time with middle DD (not enough so that the other two noticed though!).

Thought I knew everything about my H btw - turns out I knew nothing at all!

ROBBERBUTTON: Thanks - how are you doing? Hope you have a peaceful Xmas and a Happier New Year x

PERFECTSTORM: Awww thank you. . Don't feel like a guru at all - just a knackered middle aged mum trying to do her best for her DC's in a totally crappy situation! But if anyone can get anything out of my ramblings? x

MUDANDMAYHEM: Thank you x

TPPW: Thanks for the list - have printed it out and will use for reference - thank you x

From recollection my mother broached the possibility of db & I seeing my father & OW, (where this came from I don#t know) but we just weren't interested out of our own hurt, love and loyalty to our mother & because we were bloody angry at him. Maybe dd feels like this? It's also a mode of self-protection bedding down where you feel safe and happy. Fortunately nothing was ever forced and, in our case, the meeting with the OW never happened because a) the relationship come to an end and b)my father was frightened of what me might do (we were 12 & 9 at the time). I would concur that your dcs lead this one.

(My father did later take my brother to meet a 'cousin' (a previous OW ) but after what we did, he never tried it again )