HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

I am very, very glad for you that it went ok. Scenarios built up and dreaded out of all proportion are never as bad as we think they will be. It's the unexpected that floors you the most...like what happened in August.

H is changing his plans already then? he is like a chameleon isn't he ?

Has he forgoten he blew out his kids for xmas ?

Did you remind him of that?

Don't let him re-write your plans too. Whatever you decided after that communication where he said he would "check his diary in the New year" is what you should stick to now.

Well done. You are an amazing mum and your children are very lucky to have you.

oh, I welled up too

then felt all warm

then like I somehow knew you, and wished I could give you a watery smile and a glass of wine

all that stuff

you are worth a million of him, I said that at the beginning of your first thread, and it gets truer every day

Well done Solost

Onwards and upwards eh!

Thank you WWIFN . DS seems OK actually although when H rang he said he didn't want to speak to him but I told him all he had to do was say hi, he asked me if I would tell H that I had told him about BB or 'OW' as she is known to DC's because he didn't want to - I told him no problem, he didn't have to do ANYTHING he didnt want to do.

Middle DD was the quietest. I gathered them all onto my bed this morning before we got dressed and told them there and then cuddled them for an hour or so before we got dressed but middle DD didn't want to stay for a cuddle, she went back to her art project in her room. I will speak to her seperately later on.

FANTUS: Awww thank you! Hope I did OK. Did the best I could.

AF: He seemed quite meek and quiet when I spoke to him this afternoon - he asked if it was OK if he came round on Xmas Eve and Xmas day. DC's still want to see him at Xmas and I think they should if they want to - not that he deserves it or anything but they deserve to see their dad when they want to.

THECRACKFOX: Thank you x

AF(again): Thank you. I know you are hard on me - and I am grateful to you for that. I did have a MAJOR wobble last night and seriously considered leaving it til Boxing Day - I know you felt that too. But your strong and stern posts saw me through. I can't thank you and all the other ladies on here for your absolute and total support. I really couldnt have done this without you all x

HORSESANDCHICKENS: Thanks

Solost.

Well done, but how your dc behave how much they love and trust you to be honest with them, and know no matter what that your the best mother in the world who love them above all others.

Well done solost. Such a relief it's out in the open and you don't have to carry the secret around them anymore:)

On another note, H is behaving horribly. He's trying to take back control with this new attitude. In your marriage, when H would get grumpy or be unhappy with you, would you go out of your way to make him happy? It seems that he's expecting you to let him do whatever he wants now (I.e randomly changing times when he'll visit...etc) ... Now that he has this new cold attitude.

Sorry xpost. I see he asked your permission. That is good!!!

WELL DONE Solost! Be careful with your middle one. Our lovely middle DC would be like that too, but although appearing tough, would be internalising it .

I hope you feel better now. They are so lucky to have you.

Gosh I admire you solost, you sound strong.

As for H, wow, does he really think he can threaten to abandon his kids and see them next year then it's all forgotton, when he decides to change his mind

Well done Solost, as AF said "you're worth a million of him" and are a wonderful mummy! Enjoy Christmas with your gorgeous children. Can't believe how quickly he U-turned about Christmas Do not agree to anything you do not feel comfortable with on the big day lovely x

ok, if you decide to let him see the dc on xmas eve/xmas day, that is fine

as long as he is not calling the shots

not unsupervised though, sorry, I don't trust him

< very quick recovery from mental breakdown, I note >

Wow, well done. Probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.

Hope you all have a peaceful and calm Christmas.

Also, really hope you can get a bolt or two on the doors....

Solost, I think I have developed a big girl crush on you!

You are fantastic and even though I don't know you I am so proud of you. Your children are very lucky to have you as their mother x

if I ever need advice on relationships on here, I am going to ask solost

Yes, he has had a remarkable recovery from his breakdown.

Wow - you are fast becoming a legend here! {smile]. In the middle of all your Ex's bad behaviour, you remain dignified, true to your DCs and amazingly able to take on the gaggle of advice given to you here.

You haven't baulked at any of the tough guidance posted on this thread.

We're all cheering from the comfort of our own keyboards but very much wanting to see you come through this intact.

Keep your boundaries strong, try and recognise the warning signs of his manipulative behaviour. You are in control of his contact with the DCs, not him. If you're not sure, just look out for the tatoo on his forehead that says 'LOSER',

Well done for being so strong - I can't tell you how much reading your posts and all the advice has helped me over the last months.

Now, you have a fantastic Xmas YOU deserve with your beautiful dc

Solost, you did AMAZING

I agree with AF, whatever happens from here on in one thing is very clear, you really are worth a million of him and he sooo does not deserve you xx

Me too, AF :) I actually considered a few days ago PMing solost and begging for her email address to keep in a safe place just in case I need relationship advice in the future
I didn't, btw as I came to my senses and remembered how much she has on her plate right now. But I do hope you stick around MN, solost :)

I'm so glad that telling the children went as well as it could.

You seem like a very strong woman and a brilliant mother.

I hope you and your DCs have a wonderful Christmas.

I can't tell you how many times I have picked up my phone to check this thread and see how it went today. Your kids are lucky that what their father lacks their mother more than makes up for, solost. Sounds like rather a miraculous recovery on the nervous breakdown front, I must say.

OMG, I am not that much of a soft old bird that often, but I have moist eyes here, and no wine involved ..yet.

Solo, you are an inspiration. I hope you feel as proud of yourself as we all do of you!

Your DC are a credit to you, and I am so glad that they took it as well as they did. I actually thought they would.

Our DC always surprise us in the most amazing ways, and this is one of those times.

Agree with the others WRT the breakdown... I wonder what it was that your H took, cos I could have saved myself and my dear family a whole lot of anguish...

You know you have this loser on the ropes now, keep the pressure, hold your head high and do what suits you. Do what the DC want, but within reason. He can see them over christmas, but you don't have to do the sit down family front restaurant thing. Personally I would knock that on the head. It's utterly irrelevant now.

Solost - you absolute STAR! Seriously. I have gone all misty-eyed as well - you did so very well and I too am proud of your achievement today.

Your DC sound like wonderful little troopers as well (no doubt thanks to you!) and I am glad that it went better than you thought - I bet it's a weight off your shoulders, and theirs!
Your middle DD may be one who likes to think things through while being active, rather than emotional outpourings - but as someone else said (and you already know), keep an eye on her. How did she respond when you spoke to her on her own? Did she have extra questions for you?

So your H has realised that all his threats, bombast and bluster had and have no effect on you. That is a massive bonus! He will have to tread more carefully in how he deals with you now.

Miraculously he appears to be all better now - but as he has lost control of the situation, and you, he may continue with the MH issue, whether or not it is genuine. If he does phone/turn up suggesting all is not well in that department, refer him to his GP for treatment and tell him you will be calling his parents to let them know of his deteriorating condition so that they can ensure he calls his GP. If it is fake, that should put a stop to it. If it is genuine, that's the best advice you can give him anyway.

I sincerely hope he turns up for the DC when he says he will - but the chances of him keeping his word fully are slim (on recent history). I expect he will show for Christmas Day, for a while - but I hope you decide to have it at home rather than the restaurant because I still think it would be better for you all. Perhaps you could get a takeaway!

I am chock-full of admiration for the way you have handled this and fully believe that you are on the highway to recovery. Do take some time for yourself to accommodate this change though - make sure the foundations are solid.

big [squeeeeeezze] to you - well done!