HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Ok biting fairy just said everything I was attempting to earlier but just sooooooooo much more eloquently than me!

Brilliant post, agreed. Lucid and so sensible.

Solost am thinking about you heaps. Wish, along with everyone else, there was something I could do to help somehow.

Thinking of you, solost xxx Is there any way you can get PILs to help you talk to the dc? Do they know what has been happening over the past few days?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds very unstable. His most recent stunt seems to be him realising that you are stronger than you were and he's uncomfortable with this, so he tries to hurt you in any way possible (even using xmas/dc) so that he can to make you weaker.

But you'll remain strong, even though it is very difficult.

You can do this, solost. We are all thinking of you. Keep strong, sweetheart. xxx

Been thinking of you all day today Solost (as the Christmas clean begins!)

Hope your discussion with the children has gone ok.

Good times must seem a long way off right now but THEY WILL RETURN. Your kids will be alright, honestly. Better than alright, they have the kind of mum that every child should have. They'll do great, and so will you. With all the love you have around you, everything WILL come good in the end.

Hold them close over the next few days, and PIL too - keep PIL in the loop especially, I'd say. They sound fab. You must have been a sterling DIL all these years, judging by the loyalty they're repaying you with!

Good people bring good things to them. You are one of those people, no doubt. This too will pass!

I think he's unbelievably cruel not to see the dc at Xmas. I'm willing to bet BB is behind this or convincing him that you have too much "control" ( just weird he said that so suddenly). He does sound mentally unstable and I'm willing to bet BB has a lot to do with the deterioration of his mental state. I'll bet she has a lot to do with that and him telling you he'll "check his diary" as to whenhe can next see dc. That doesn't sound like the man you spoke of before.
I'm almost sure she's messing with things. But he's an idiot Togo along with it.

I don't like him or BB.

He won't go through with not seeing the DC, he won't harm himself and he is NOT having a breakdown.

These are the desperate actions of a desperate man trying to win back power.

Only HE can stop this madness, as HE was the one that created it all.

solo didn't force him to change jobs, walk out on her and the DC, this was all down to him. He can weep and wail all he likes, he can pop all the ADs he likes, but until he is able to stand in front of the mirror and face the one that is responsible for all this mess, there is nothing anyone else can or ought to do.

Tell the DC, jointly with the PIL and show the DC that they have bags and bags of support.

Change the locks, LET him take you to court Solo, he has clearly shown himself as unstable, and you are naturally protecting yourself and your DC in case there is any MH fall out.

I speak as former depressive, a suicide survivor, I understand H&Cs comments, but would stress most strongly that denial of contact with the DC is indeed not a good idea IF (HUGE IF) there any truth to his MH issues. But by the same token, the DC need to be protected from it and certainly never involved in his active treatment. They should not see him disravelled and ranting.

Solo needs to use these latest developments to her maximum advantage, to regain and maintain power. Cold and calculating, perhaps, but it is no more or less than this H is trying with his histrionics.

Solost, I am stunned to read about today's developments. I hope you have plenty of personal real life support because this is unbelievably tough.

Its an incredibly cruel individual who can do this kind of thing and if I had not witnessed it within my own family, I would not believe it. Some poeple's selfishness knows no bounds. I've seen it in action and it is utterly shocking.

All I want to say is that you will get through this. Hang on to your values, don't try and play him at his game. Its bloomin' hard not to retaliate, but you must try not to get drawn in.

I also think that you need to ration your personal contact with him. You are not playing to his rules, so he will try and break you in a different way. He's going to have to realise that you are also not the person he was marries to any more. You are a dignified and principled individual and you have the magnificent support of an army of Mumsnetters.

He doesn't stand a chance!!!

Solost, I am stunned to read about today's developments. I hope you have plenty of personal real life support because this is unbelievably tough.

Its an incredibly cruel individual who can do this kind of thing and if I had not witnessed it within my own family, I would not believe it. Some poeple's selfishness knows no bounds. I've seen it in action and it is utterly shocking.

All I want to say is that you will get through this. Hang on to your values, don't try and play him at his game. Its bloomin' hard not to retaliate, but you must try not to get drawn in.

I also think that you need to ration your personal contact with him. You are not playing to his rules, so he will try and break you in a different way. He's going to have to realise that you are also not the person he was marries to any more. You are a dignified and principled individual and you have the magnificent support of an army of Mumsnetters.

He doesn't stand a chance!!!

Sorry everyone for double posting

Sorry everyone for double posting

Aha, your last post was missing some words for some reason (I had to switch to IE as am getting malware warnings on google)

That phone call PROVES he is faking this MH thing.

Don't flinch, don't panic. Tell the DC as you were planning to, cancel the reservation today, and go to M&S and stock up and have christmas at home. Or could you book into a hotel for christmas eve/day as a treat?

I'm pretty sure he'll cool down, come back to say he'll do christmas day after all, and it'll be great to tell him it's all off...

YOU WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT, AND YOU DO GET TO CALL THE SHOTS BECAUSE YOU HAVE EARNED THAT RESPONSIBILITY AND RIGHT.

Don't even flinch, don't bat an eyelid at his performances. Stay absolutely emotionless, and adopt an 'I was expecting that' expression.

I think today is the day you realise Solo, your husband has been this man all along and has been controlling and this nasty all your marriage, you just couldn't see it as he was controlling you.

You say he had a temper, but never showed it to you in this way, that's because you always towed the line didn't you?

The perfect wifey at home. It's how you used to describe yourself, you did everything, cooked his dinner, stayed slim, looked after the house, never rocked the boat etc.

Now you are out of his control, look what's happened?

He has been this man all along and I think over the coming months you will have frequent lightbulb moments, where you piece together things he has done before, with his behaviour now.

It will be hard, but you will get through it stronger as will your dc's.

BB got her own way after all (Xmas Day with her soulmate in the bosom of his new family)

how very sweet and touching

how lovely that his dc will be so hurt by this, but it doesn't mater because they are merely pawns in her game

and solost's dh is the stupidest person in the world to not see this coming for himself

nice to know now that he has made it quite clear where his priorities are

like I said upthread...MH issue or narcissistic rage at not getting his own way...the outcome is the same

Of course extreme and pervasive narcissism IS a mental health issue but, sadly, chronic and untreatable.

AF, i know it looks like that, but I dare say BB was absolutely appalled and terrified at the temper displayed and I'll be betting she's having some second thoughts.. . BB will not be getting who she thought she was going to get.

I reckon he'll be as miserable as sin on 25th, I predict more drama in the run up too.

Solo, think as he seems to have made his position clear, that you 'lose' your mobile for a few days...

Don't engage, answer calls etc

Please change the locks Solost.

Would it maybe a good idea to have your parents and his parents there to tell the children (or maybe that is too many). Just a bit worried the PIL may 'change sides' if he is becoming mentally ill.

hissy, I don't think for one minute that this bloke displayed the same behaviour he has done in the last few days to his long-suffering wife

he will still be peddling away madly over at chez "Lovenest", holding on to that dream he fucked his family over for

it doesn't matter though, does it

the outcome is the same

sorry, I mean he won't have shown his true self to BB....just to his poor wife

"I speak as former depressive, a suicide survivor, I understand H&Cs comments, but would stress most strongly that denial of contact with the DC is indeed not a good idea IF (HUGE IF) there any truth to his MH issues. But by the same token, the DC need to be protected from it and certainly never involved in his active treatment. They should not see him disravelled and ranting."

I absolutely agree, the children do not need or deserve to see this latest change in behaviour. I would be doing all I could to protect them from it - including cancelling the Christmas reservations/Boxing Day childcare etc. This is NOT the same as denying contact forever, but I think it is important when they are already in a state of upheaval not to add more distress at this point. Withdraw and focus on your family (DCs, Parents, siblings, PILs - not H) and see how things progress from a distance.

The cause of his appalling behaviour over the last few days/weeks/months (whether genuine MH crisis or otherwise) is IRRELEVANT and should NOT affect the way you respond (or rather, DON'T respond).

In a way, he's right, you ARE in control. You deserve a FANTASTIC Christmas - it's all about the kids anyway and now they'll have your complete focus without the stress of putting on a brave face in a restaurant.

You have NOT caused his latest change in behaviour. Whatever the reason (and it may be a while before you really know what the cause is depending on how things play out) the decisions HE has made which have led to this point have been HIS. As I said before, he is an adult and is making decisions all time. They may be utterly outrageous and completely ridiculous, but THEY ARE NOT YOURS and you CANNOT take responsibility for another grown adult's decisions, behaviour and subsequent consequences.

You've got a couple of days to prepare in earnest now - get the kids involved in Christmas baking, making decorations, family films etc. An M&S Christmas (or equivalent) sounds great - I've done it before and it really does take the stress out of the food side of things. I suggest lots of Christmas tv, silly games, lovely food and cuddles.

Him, BB and 4 walls - lovely - the gaping hole that are the dcs will be the elephant in the room.

Meanwhile you, the dcs, your parents & the ILs can be all together as a family should.

OH is in completely selfish mode and will be for quite some time ahead. Disengage, disengage and use the channels open to you to look after yourself and the dcs.

The cause of his behaviour is certainly irrelevant as to what you should do now, in the short term, Soloist. However in my opinion, for what that is worth, it is important that you understand that this is how he is permanently. Only then will you stop hoping for a reconciliation with the ideal husband who never actually existed. But for now, it really doesn't matter what is causing his behaviour. You know what you have to do. Wishing you every strength. This must be hell on earth for you.

So far the PIL have been pretty cute, I recken they will see through the MH bollocks for what they are too!

The deed is done.

I told them this morning and do you know what? It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Yes there were tears (but only because they thought they would'nt see him again). I told them that the reason daddy didn't sleep at home any more was because he had met a 'lady' earlier in the year and in August had decided that he loved her more than mummy and wanted to live with her instead of with us, that it was not their fault, that daddy still loved them just as much and would still see them just as he had been doing. Then I asked them if they had any questions. DC said 'will he have any more kids with her?' then said 'he better not'. Weird what goes through their minds isnt it? That would be the last question on earth I thought he would ask.

Littlest DD wanted to know her name, where she lived etc. I told her all of this, was not derogatory in any way. Middle DD was a bit upset because 'thats not allowed - you are married'. Told them all to ask any questions regardless of whether they thought they would upset me that they must ask whenever they wanted. Hope I did OK.

On a lighter note!! Took DD's to the hairdressers for an Xmas trim and was sat with DS in the packed reception area when he piped up 'mum, I've got a question - will you and daddy be getting a divorce?!!!' They do pick their moments don't they .
FTR just told him, not at the moment - things will be staying as they are for now but maybe in the future but not to worry about it now.

Feel a lot better. No more lies. H phoned at lunchtime, spoke to DS first. He asked when he was coming back, H said Xmas Eve and Xmas Day???? First I knew. I then spoke to him and told him I had told the DC's - he put the phone down. Rang back 2 hrs later - did speak to him because I wanted him to know what I had said to them, told him and left it at that. Kids still want him to come over at Xmas, will see how it goes, take this one day at a time.

Thanks for all your support - I could'nt have got through today without you all. x

Here's the most all-enveloping hug. You brave, dignified woman. More from me later, but how's DS especially? And which one has asked fewer questions?

Don't know how to say I am so proud of you without it sounding patronising!!! But reading your post made me well up.

So now it is done, you all survived and the DC's can begin to process the information and you can all stop living a lie.

I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you. Very very well done xx