"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi, electra :) It's good to see you here - well, not good but I'm happy you've decided to post. Hope you know what I mean! I've often felt bad for your sense of shame, which you don't deserve, and for your wobbly boundaries. From what I remember, your father's similar to mine in many ways - and, going by your post just now, your mother's even madder than mine!
Are you doing any therapy around your parents' relationships with you and each other?

trs and nemo, hello from me too. Thanks, Bookcase.

Droves, some of what you posted matched my childhood! Droves some was a whole load worse for you than for me! I think your parents had serious mental health issues from the sounds of it, my Father was diagnosed and the bits that relate to him were similar to the things you posted about your mother, if he was my primary carer I wonder if things would have been like that for me! I have to say when he hit me it was immediate compulsive not thought about ragign anger with the belt with no attention cared as to which end, with your parents there sounds like there was planned nastyness with the salt and pepper, I am so very sorry for you xxxxx

Good grief droves, that is horrific. It's so bloody awful that you went through all that.

Hello electra. I'm 'glad' that you found your way here too and hope it helps to post.

I hope you don't mind me posting. I've lurked here and there. I know my parents aren't normal and what I've put with seems to shock my DP in the rare occasion I talk about it.

My dad is not a dad. He is an alcoholic child. I know that sounds wrong but it's him. He has never grown up, it's quite odd and I don't really know how to explain it. He has practically bankrupt himself and my mum with his phobia of having money. He has even a tenner it has to be spent on wine. He is incredibly emotionally abusive, controlling and has severe OCD. I grew up to think wiping every surface with dettol was part of a normal morning routine.
He doesnt like me or my sibling due to having to compete I imagine. I've had years to think about this but what has me think is my own dc what do I say about grandad and his behaviour?
I am failing my children by not sending them to private school though he thinks that's where my depression came from. They put ideas in my head. How could I be depressed when I had everything I wanted a family that love me and a roof over my head. I despair!
The alcohol is just the icing on the cake. He drinks all day everyday. Wine mainly. Today, I have some viral bug and they popped in with the large bottle of wine and then drank 2 glasses and left. They stayed less than half an hour.

Things like this just shock me and they can't shock me too much these days. They don't look after DS and when told why. He just ignores me. I feel so jealous when I see daddy's girls even as an adult. I just feel I deserved a father figure.

I just don't know where to go from here. Putting on paper so to speak is helping. I feel awful as all of your situations sound a lot worse than mine.

Do they both drink? Alcohol is a depressant, maybe your father is projecting his depression onto you?

Welcome x

Hi lola and welcome. Don't feel bad about posting. Your experience is just as valid as everyone elses x

Hi, lola. How did you find out the Dettol routine wasn't normal?

I'm sorry you're feeling poorly - it's nothing to do with didinfected worktops, btw!

Growing up like that must have been a trial, to put it mildly. It sounds as though you & your sibs may have had to be the grown-ups ...

Thanks everyone - yes I've been having therapy for about 5 months. I have found a counselor who has already helped me so much - she is so understanding and non-judgmental. I can see that some of you have probably had a worse time than me but I do think my parents have damaged me - all my life they have criticised me and manipulated me. They don't want me to be independent and often say 'You are nothing without us'. They are just so unreasonable that I get very frustrated about it. But I know they will never change.

A classic thing they do is to take something I've said - twist it, misrepresent it or take it out of context and make me sound like a total bitch, when the original context was something entirely different and then tell other people I've said this.

My mum likes to publicly humiliate me and I never want new boyfriends to meet her or my dad.

Iola - the dettol thing rings a bell. I was quite some age when I discovered most people do not wash their hands with disinfectant!

hi lola ! .
It must have been so hard growing up with an alcoholic dad . He still sounds difficult to deal with . Im sorry you have had to put it with it today , especially since your ill.

But at least they stayed only a half hour.... it could have been all day .

I have OCD ,(depression/anxiety linked).
I have also in the past abused substances (to my great shame ,pre -dc) as a form of self medication to help cope with the ocd.

Perhaps your dad is abusing alcohol in the same way ? Is he medicated (from doctor) at the moment? . The ads i was on require no alcohol.

This is a separate issue from being abusive /controling to you.( Although part of ocd is often about control/ lack of control depending on what phase the ocd is in. Compulsion/contamination/hording. Its circular in some).

I often think that mental illnesses are often used as an excuse for bad behaviour/abusive behaviour.

Its too convienent for some not to use it iykwim?

electra A classic thing they do is to take something I've said - twist it, misrepresent it or take it out of context and make me sound like a total bitch, when the original context was something entirely different and then tell other people I've said this.

This is something that keeps coming up.Why,why why and how????
Mine always did and still do.It is soooo hard to recover from.

I don't mean to undermine the other truly horrific things also posted - especially by droves

And so agree re "I'll give you something to cry for"....

Goodness,especially at this time of year

MummieHunnie i was told recently my mother was diagnosed with skitsophrenia (spelling, sorry). I do not know if that is true or not.i have no way of checking the facts.

She was admitted into psyciatric hospital for aproximatly 2 weeks when i was 7.I remember this ,although i didnt know why.

My father has been intermittent in my life , never being around when the worst was happening...
I think because i look like him , and i was supposedly his favorite child ,that gave ex-mother the excuse to target me for abuse.

Incidently i have spoken to best friend about my ex-mother . Friend is a psyciatric nurse and cbt therapist ... she thinks that my mum has traits of personality disorder ,and possibly bi-polar. But without actually meeting her she cant definatly say what...just what its most likely to be from what ive told her.

I think ex-mother is just evil.

(she also thinks god talks to her btw)

Well that explains why she behaved the strange ways she did, how sad for you all . My Dad was diagnosed with bipolar, not sure if anything else. I often wonder what life would have been like if he had been my main carer, this is why i did not realise that there was anything wrong with Mother (which is mild in comparison to father) until not long ago, as he was so obviously strange! I am sorry for you droves, my heart goes out to you x

PM i think that the twisting of words that you and electra have mentioned is one of the nastiest things that abusers do.

Its the way they justify their own behaviours, twisting and turning our words and actions to meet their own requirements. An insight into how their twisted minds work.

People who do this cannot be reasoned with , they are impossible to comunicate with.Because even innocent comments/replys are turned against us. There is no hope with them. The only thing to do is NC. . . or else they would drive us as batty as they are. Mostly they are masters at gaslighting too..

Bruises and cuts fade and heal , mind pickeling takes much longer to fix. imo.

My parents are both good at this.

To get back to my point of Mental health issues being used as an excuse , by abusers.

I myself, as i have often mentioned have ocd and in the past have suffered crippeling suicidal depression. Never once i have i abused my children.

I have a friend who is a paranoid skitsophrenic , she is the kindest most gentle person , although at times she thinks "they" are watching her.(dont know who they are? ) . She functions well when medicated. .

Mental illness/wellbeing is much the same as physical wellbeing. If you know somethings not right , you take yourself off to the doctor and get sorted the best you can.Its simply taking responsibility for yourself...and taking care of yourself.

I think an abuser will use any excuse they can find to justify their behaviour. The crux of it is simply an admonishment(spelling, sorry) of responsibility for them thats too good to refuse.
A label of MH illness is like hitting the jackpot to them ! a free pass to do what they like because they feel it excuses it.

(Not everyone with MH Illnesses are like this.)

droves - I agree.I am a trained RMN.I have also suffered suicidal depression,and have to work hard to regulate my mood.
I agree with you as both a service user and a "provider" >cringe at the terms<

My mothers mother was bi-polar - poorly controlled,often sectioned.My mother has never been diagnosed,but has had many psychotic breakdowns and appears to have wild mood swings.She has no insight whatsoever and refuses to acknowledge my profession.She is a Registered Paediatric Nurse,now retired.

My abusive xp was diagnosed with PTSD,which he used to justify everything.

I totally agree with you.

Oh,and I have never abused my children.
I sincerely hope.
I have been known to apologise to them for telling them off,or losing my temper,and to question if I am over the top or "being like Granny".

They say I am not.
I still fear that they may be posting about me in the future though.

I must go to bed.

GOODNIGHT PM X

I agree droves. It frustrates me no end when people blame their illnesses. My brother has recently been given a diagnosis of ADHD and uses it regularly to excuse his behaviour.

lol . ds3 has adhd .... he does that all the time ! ...but bless him hes only 8

Bookcase , you could do what i do with ds3 .

Just give him a look and say " yes sweetie , you do have adhd , but darling you also know whats right from wrong and you do know how to be a good boy. Now stop being silly and try your best to behave yourself and we`ll say no more about it." finish with a hug and a lollipop. usually works a treat !

How old is your dbro ?

I do pick him up on it. He's 29!

Thanks for the replies. I only learnt that the amount of bleach based cleaning products I was using every time I entered or left the room was when I started uni about 6 years ago.
The OCD and alcoholism my dad has no idea he has a problem. He never drinks anything that isn't wine. I also didn't know that it wasn't normal to buy 6 bottles a day until I was in my late teens.
My sibling and I were definitely the grown ups with my mum. I think about it now and it was very odd growing up.

I never thought about th booze and OCD being linked before. My mum says he has funny turns which I believe to mean he hasn't had enough alcohol yet and has a tantrum.
He keeps telling my mum he has had a bout of depression- lasting each time about 6 hours so I'm told. I am glad he hasn't said this infront of me as I think I would need to leave as he watched suffer so badly and didn't once help me. He offered me drink a lot. He's not selfish with the drink. I wonder if this makes him feel better?
The OCD I realise not his fault. His drink problem, I can't help him, no one can. He really does not think there is anything wrong.

His childlike behaviour, having to be centre of attention, the sulking, tantrums, door slamming etc. Being a teenager was hell with him.
When I did move out within 3 hours he had completely changed my room moved all furniture and made it another spare room.
Family just laughed when they were told. Perhaps out if shock. It makes so cross just remembering this.
I think what I find the hardest is no matter how much I used yell and scream at him growing up it was like doing it to a wall. Nothing ever changes and he would never apologise. He did once when he wanted my friend to leave as it was getting late and he threatened to come in naked. I was a teen, you can imagine how embarrassed I was! That boy funnily enough. That was many years ago.
My mother, I just haven't worked her out yet.

Sorry that should say that boy never came round again. I'm not surprised really.
droves I think you are right I'm sure my dad uses the depression label to cover his behaviour. He has no clue to what depression even is.
My battle with him is over I just let him get on with it. His parents ate pretty odd and similar to him which is odd ad he recgonises their toxic behaviour but not in himself. I do wonder if he has ever thought about it.

Bouts of depression last weeks at best , often months on end ...never ever 6 hours .

Think your dad is ver maniplative and your mum i s doing her best to cover for him.

People who are severely ill with MH , often deny that anything is wrong with them , which is probably why they get so ill in the first place.

I dont think you dad just has OCD . He has behaviours that are not just OCD ,but perhaps ocd with something else wrong too. (Inapropriate behaviours ,sulking tantrums)
OCD is anxianty based , and often has intrusive thoughts , (like something bad wil happen if x isnt done 6 time in a row, of course im simplifing it at lot here).

IF your dad gets agitated and shouts and slams doors if he cant complete his rituals , the you could say its the ocd. IF he shouts and slams door because he isnt getting his own way (outside ritualism) then it isnt.

Very very difficult to live with .

Speaking as someone with Ocd , id say watch his behaviours , look for a trigger for the ocd. Not everyones is obvious , but it should be there. It will cause anxiaty each and every time which in turn causes the ocd behaviour to surface more.(which causes more anxiety).

If there is no pattern to it , id be .
when was your dad dx?