"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Droves you are so right! I never thought anyone would be able to see it/ knew what I meant.
Denial regarding MH was me though even when I went to the doc and I was diagnosed I was sure the doc was wrong. I mean I couldn't have depression I was fine! Two months after that and one large breakdown I definitely was not fine.
I am certain he is not suffering from depression. I am utterly disgusted he could just fling that word about and apply it to his tantrum after he hasn't got his own way.
He isn't officially OCD I imagine if he ever was diagnosed they would find a lot more than such. I know hoovering is his form of relaxing. He isn't very particular though.
There is a lot of stress at their house, Because of money- lack of and nearly becoming bankrupt etc. It's his own fault though and he alwYs has money for wine so I don't sympathise.
My mother well she is a alcoholic too. I didn't realise how much she drank until she stayed with us. She consumed one of those huge bottles of Soave in an evening. I guess it's her escapism.
It's so difficult with them, to do anything with them. If I do then they have to get me early- so they can drink when they get home. They never drop me off anywhere- I don't drive. Even as a child they would never take or drop me off anywhere because they couldn't drink then. I could never rely on them to look after DS because of their drinking. It's not safe. It's such a shame.

. Sound like your dad has heard the term ocd and thinks he has it because he enjoys hoovering ?. Got to admit , its one of the more glamourous mental health conditions... there are tv programs and films where the main characters have it (Monk , Duece bigalow) .The reality is very different.
Its bloody awful , ocd takes over your life, you cant function properly when your in the grip of it. You find normal life is pushed out of the question by rituals and compulsions.
At my worst i wouldnt socialise because i had no time left over from ritual cleaning , id scrub kitchen floor over and over until my hands bled.

I wouldnt eat out because i didnt know who prepared the food , i could drink soft drinks because feer of germs on the cans/bottles.
Noone could come into my home because theyd bring germs with them they`d even contaminate my air .
I got so ill , i wouldnt feed my kids until id cleaned the whole house , this is for every meal and snack. Id get up at 6 and wouldnt stop until after midnight.
I couldnt even begin to describe the thoughts behind it.
I also hord , cant chuck anything. I get copmpulsions to check things and buy things , even if i dont need them . RECENTLY I HAD 30 BOTTLES OF SHAMPOO. (dh got rid , i cant.)

does that sound like your dad ?

(Im loads better , ive had meds & therapy so can cope better and the ocd id minimal now , but it still lurks in the background iykwim.)

couldnt drink soft drinks because of fear of germs on cans/bottles. (sorry)

alcohol is a depressant . No doubt your dad is a binge-alcoholic ...that would make him worse id he is depressed btw.

The tempers tantrums are probably more to do with the alcoholism than anything else.

Its very very hard to cope with.

When I told her that my husband had hit me "you must have done something to make him hit you"
:(
One of my mother's classics, too. She believes this crap. So did I, for far too long. I don't know whether this is entirely due to my dad's brainwashing, or whether her own childhood was abusive as well. She also reckons it's much worse for a man to hit you in public than at home (because of the shame); if he says he loves you that's all that matters; men are inherently unfaithful; all men prefer younger women; children 'bounce' (they do, I've seen it - off walls); men have the right to ctiticise womens' appearance. And so on.

Oh droves! You poor thing. I'm glad you have managed to control it.
My dad is not like that all. I think it is more a control thing. He will list off how many things he has done that day. All jobs that didn't need doing. He would clean and cook instead of actually getting a job. Distraction I feel.
He is a massive binge alcoholic. He isn't a typical drunk. He just gets very toddler like when drunk. He would have a big swearing tantrum making mountains out of mole hills. If he asked you a question whatever your answer was wrong and therefore tantrum worthy. The door was open- tantrum. I often never even knew why he was going off on one. He takes everything out on others. I know that maybe normal but not like this.
I can't fix this and I am a mum now I have priorities. He recently went crazy angry because my mum said I could have a delivery to their house. It arrived at 6pm apparently the man rang the door bell. They don't answer incase of debt collectors then the man banged on the door. My dad drunkenly totally freaked out. My mum finally answers the door. She rings to tell me this. I said well I'll pick it up now. she said he needed to calm down. I imagine worrying about debt collectors must be very scary and luckily it's now all sorted but my mum had to get involved. I went to get the parcel as I've got dc I can't just come over whenever he is calm or in a good mood.
Sorry this does still stress me out. Until my mum has a car again I can't really not see him.

Sorry for the horrorfic paragraph phone is not so reliable

Well exmil sent the parcel, had I not heard all her nasty comments about ex's sisters exh's, are you keeping up? I would not have understood the sheer spite behind the gifts, tiny one's (nice enough for less than a fiver when before she would spent fifty quid each) again for the children, with anyone else you would think oh maybe they are going to give them big one's later, or put money aside not mil... they really are to let you know how little she thinks of you, she made that very clear many times in the past! I know if dd1 had returned the phone call it would have been different, it is punishment! Also she sent the children different cards, dd1 obviously despite the lack of returning the call, higher up the pecking order to dd2 then! way to go to make innocent children feel loved eh!

oh I don't normally drink and I have tonight, I did something that will go down like a lead baloon, it has been brewing for so long I was shaking when I did it and I would have loved to have said more, I was very restrained (sp?) and would have loved to let rip all togheter, too many people trying to push their stuff on to me and my kids this time of year! Will I ever be allowed to enjoy this time of year?

littletrees, grace ,thislittlesisterlola again and again similar things appear in all our histories .Again i say its textbook.Almost like they are working to a plan ?.

Mummiehunnie its an ongoing tiresome low-level war that your ex-mil is raging against you. Disgusting attitude she has with your dc .

As for myself , had a major wobble today . DD2 (nearly 16 now) was asking questions about her grandparents.

It was brought up because my sisters daughter contacted her through facebook. They made each other "friends" on fb. Then dd2 got message from her cousin that she had to keep it secret from her mum(my sis) .The tone of the message was very sad , and my neice said in it " you know what my mum and gran are like , if they find out im talking to you...".
Few days later the account was deleted. . To me it looks like my mother has found a new victim/scapegoat.

The point is my dd2 is very confused as to why her cousin would do that to her ?. So i spent most of the day trying to explain that it wasnt that she had done anything wrong , but it was part of the whole hate droves thing.

DD2 wants at this point to go and talk to her auntie and make her see sense.After all she has never done a thing to them.
Then i told her loads of stuff about my childhood , my teen years , and early 20`s that she didnt know.She cried hugged me and told me she loved me, i was a good mum and she hates my mother.

Part of me knows i shouldnt have told dd2, but i felt i had no choice ,i had to tell her what type of people they are ...I dont know what kind of rection she would get from them. She wanted to find them.

She has been kept from them for a reason i needed her to know and understand why. I told dd2 when she is older and can handle it , she could try to speak to them is she wanted , it wasnt my right to stop her . But only to know that i kept her away because i didnt want her harmed by them the same way i was.

I think i might have done wrong thing by telling her .

Droves, poor dd2 and dn! she sounds like she really loves you x you did the right thing kids pick up on stuff, and age appropriate truth is good for them, truth not lies and secrets!

I wonder if your dn, defriended with your dd and blocked your dd rather than deleted her fb account?!

With regards to exmil, I saw how she was with exsil's eshusbands, I knew what she was going to be like!

I hate this time of year, with the dammed post, someone else annoyed me this afternoon, as well as her, that is three people messing with me and the kids, the others were more about themselves and guilt, exmil is nasty!

dd's make me laugh about exmil's gifts, they keep saying how could I live without a flannel and a fake cherry!!! and ohhh it is 100% acrylic!!!! they make me laugh!!!!

MummieHunnie , your dd`s sound lovely .
lol @ ooohh its 100% acrylic !!!! .

Ive always wondered does acrylic burn or melt ? let me know if you find out

I think dn deleted the account , dd2 is a whizz with computers and did a intensive search for DN ., who has an unusual name btw.
She found nothing. Dn might have set up a new account under a fakse name or nickname, but dd would have no way of finding her without knowing about it .

its just awful the toxic has ruined the childrens relationships as well.

If dd is blocked she won't find dn on a serch, the only way to find them is to look from another account and I have in the past set my account so I could only be seen by friends of friends, so I don't know if the fb account has been deleted, or if dd will find dn!

dd's are funny!!!

Grace - my mother also believes all that.Her father taught her,and she married my father so that he could pick up where hers had left off.

My g'f once hit my m when visiting us.My f said " how dare you hit my wife in my house".

They believe I have been "asking for it" since I was born.
They recently said how lucky I am that none of my dc have turned out like me,as I would never have coped without a man to keep control

Droves, I don't think you did the wrong thing. You said and explained what you needed to in order for your dd to comprehend why family life is the way it is.
I think you were very brave and as your dd gets older she may draw on her own life experiences when it comes to talking to her auntie/ family.
I know it is so hard to tell anyone let anyone close to you what life was/ is like for us because IMO they aren't me and sometime words just don't bring what I'm saying across.
And tbh i feel wrong talking about it, like it's some big taboo. This obv. My own ridiculous problem!
I'm so sorry you had a wobble today but i think you handled it brilliantly.

On your textbook note- I doubt it's even a generational thing but how did this happen? I am so confused about my family. I realise more and more his parents are scarily similar to him. My grandmother especially. It's odd he detests her but idolises her. So strange.

how lucky I am that none of my dc have turned out like me,as I would never have coped without a man to keep control

Sorry, pm, that made me laugh out loud!

Droves, you did the right thing. I hope you'll feel able to discuss in more detail, as she asks.

mh I didn't understand your earlier post. Hope you've got life back into some sort of shape now. x

I was raging about something, I a not surprised I did not make sense, I don't when I am that angry and anxious, I was shaking so badly at the time, I have done it now, and I must have needed to do it, as I knew something was making me angry and I could not work out what it was and I kept cleaning and I realised what the issues were and dealt with it to the person who did something s**y, so they now know, this has been three years in a row, (not exmil wouldn't give her the satisfaction, she will get diddly squat from me) this time of year is challenging! Also neighbour who I think had affair with exh, watched me make something in the snow with dd2 earlier and someone kicked it in, I think it was her and that was making me angry also!!! feel better now!!!

this is getting ridiculous now .
My life has got so many crazy things that have happened , if it was a novel ,it wouldnt be believable....but truth they say is stranger than fiction....

I dont know if any of you remember , but i spoke about my boomerange dad in some of the other threads.

He was missing for a long time (almost 10 years) , the family though he had died. then we found out he was in new zeland for a bit , married a japaneese woman and settled in ardfern near oban.

He reappeared for my grandfathers funeral, then in a short space of time , his mother , my gran died too.

He made contact with my aunts and uncles, and cousins but refused to see me, ignored any emails i sent ect , got me banned from grandads funeral ect.

Now ive discovered that he has sold his house and disapeared again.

Im so angry , because i know that one of my aunts is in contact with him still and will know about this. The other aunt im close to he refuses to speak too also.

So ive posted when he sold his house , the address postcode ,and how much he got for it. On facebook.

I just want him to know via aunt that i know. She will tell him what ive done.

Why does he keep running away ? Is he afraid of beng confronted about my childhood ect ?
Dont know if hes actually toxic , but he not being there on/ off allowed my mother to be so vile to us. Guess im still angry at him because he didnt care enough to stop her.

sorry for taking so many posts , think im very low at the moment and its playing on my mind. I just want to cry and let it out , but i grudge them the tears now.

abandoment issues all over again.

Droves hugs, I wonder why you could not just speak to your aunt directly rather than the posting on facebook for her to see thing!?

She will not speak to me , avoids me like im a plague carrier or something . Funny thing is before dad resurfaced she would chat to me on phone no problem.

God only knows what been going on.

I know , on some level im acting like a loon...i dont even know why i want him to know that i know he sold his house and done a runner again. perhaps my aunts and uncle dont know about this ? .

Life would be so much easier if i had nice normal parents .

Hay everyone

I have read all the posts. I dont feel as if i can add anything.

Hugs to everyone

Doves you did the right thing in telling your DD, lies hurt more than the truth

NC not going so well they have been calling me all day and i unpluged phone. They txt my DH and then called him. Said nothing about what i said but asked if son was ok and that they had got their cards today.

I feel like i have failed

FINDINGTHEPATH . you have not failed. you did not break NC.
This is what to expect , desperate attempts at getting contact with you.(through phone , dh,text ,ect) It always happens. stay strong .

Be prepared for them trying to be "nice".
Trying to get to you through your loved ones.
Trying to get to you by emotional blackmail via letters ect.
Watch out for fake illnesses.
If all attempts are thwarted , then they will get super nasty , and then finally leave you alone.

((hugs))

I don't think the illness's are always fake, they often come down with illness's as they can't cope in my experience, as you have broken the bubble of fantasy life, it causes such disease in their whole self it makes them ill!!!!