"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Grace I'm glad the woman from Mind made it through the snow and was a support.

I am sorry, I don't know enough about anyone situation yet to comment at the moment. I have been trying to read the threads on my phone but it moves really fast!

piranhamorgana thank you so much for the big reply and the link. I am quite taken aback by that site actually. I had looked at NPD threads before but never recognised my mother and now, having just written it all down and then looked at that site I see it.

Why is she like that? Why aren't I the same? Is this just how it's going to be now? I am at her house today (she's working) - I will have to delete my browsing history, if she finds that site she'll go crazy. She won't ever change will she?

I spent most of my 20's thinking there was something wrong with me, I thought I was actually mentally ill because I couldn't maintain friendships and relationships. I felt broken.

Gosh, this might all be a bit much to rake up right before Christmas.

Sorry to keep posting, this site is just like reading about my life!!

My mum adores my tragedies. I think because I didnt cry in front of her after the miscarriage, she didn't feel needed. Whereas my brother cried everywhere, all the time.

I have decided recently on a change of path though, a new career which is better for me to spend time with DD and I am so excited about it. Yet, she never asks me about it. She seems positively bored by it. And maybe thats just because it's boring but I know that she prefers me to be the victim, she encourages it.

I had an argument with two really close friends recently and swore for weeks it was them, not me. Then one of them sent me this email and explained why she was so upset with me and I was devastated because it was me. It was totally my fault but when I explained it to my mum she was like "no, they're not friends, friends don't do that, you were right, why should you..." and I say "but look at it from their point of view mum, I did this, I said that..." and she still wanted me to "cut all ties with them".

I didn't but I think I might have done two years ago. I wonder how many of my friendships have ended because of her encouraging me to be the victim rather than it actually being about the friendship.

NAA, I was mentally ill throughout most of my 20s - had psychotic episodes, the lot. I didn't connect it to my family background, though. Bizarrely, I was working for a psychiatrist for much of that time and he thought I was sane enough to look after his DCs

Making the connections and getting your head around it all is quite a challenge, isn't it? Give yourself a nice pat on the back, you deserve it.

I am a bit scared though Grace. I feel like I am making connections and the only outcome is going to be having no contact. My brothers and sister will hate me for that and I am scared it's just me being dramatic.

That website has just reminded me of something else that I guess was neglect but I shall post it in a minute.

Grace, how did you realise you were ill? How did you realise it was your parents?

Oh, oh, just read your last NAA! I feel very regretful of things I've said and done with friends in the past. I behaved in the only way I knew: the way 'we' (family) do it. Am very grateful to be learning better, healthier ways now.

No wonder the friends I did form lasting relationships with were all screwed up! The sane people kept a safe distance

I didn't realise until I broke down. I started counselling and everything I said related back to my parents. Looking back, though, I remember many huge giveaways - one time, for example, I screamed at my evil boss "You can't bully me, I was raised by an expert!" Whenever conversation turned to family backgrounds, I'd cheerily announce "I wasn't brought up, I was trained." I never heard what I was really saying.

Back in the Seventies, nobody seemed particularly bothered about my paranoid delusions or that I could "see auras", etc. I suppose they just thought I was being a dipshit hippy, though I'm surprised my psychiatrist employer wasn't worried by it.

I am reading about the way being neglected can mean you internalise it as not being worth it.

My mum is always saying how messy my house is and it is. I keep the kitchen and bathroom spotless but the rest of the house, I just cant seem to make it look like nice like other people. You know when you go somewhere and it looks like a home? My house always looks like we've just moved in....with toys everywhere and stuff in boxes.

Now, maybe I am just a lazy mum of a two year old but the house we lived in growing up was awful.

We had a laundry room which had clothes strewn around it for months. Literally, months, unclean clothes. Every now and then my sister and I would clean the house (6 bedrooms, 3 floors) and wash all of the clothes but it never stayed nice for long.

When my mum starting avoiding the house, my dad would leave for work before we got up in the morning so neither of them would be home. He'd leave a note and some money and tell us to get takeaway.

The ceiling in mine and my sisters room developed a leak until it destroyed the plaster and all the slatts were visible. In strong winds more would fall. It was really frightening. They never fixed it. Even by the time I moved out at 20, it was the same.

Yet we had expensive holidays, lots of presents at Christmas. It could have been done but they didn't. They could have gone shopping and bought food instead of us living on chinese takeaway but they didn't.

How come I grew up with that and yet I am not treating DD the same way? Do you think it might happen?

Have you been having counselling for long? Are your friendships different now?

I doubt it will happen in your house because you have those memories, which you will avoid repeating. I live in a pigsty! Housework & DIY was a major point of conflict between my parents, and I have an irrational fear of it. It's odd, because I'm actually a very good housekeeper and not bad at DIY. I've let it go to pot now as I'm waiting until I feel okay about doing it instead of feeling conflicted if that makes any sense to you?

However, it's not dangerously unhygienic and I do fix/replace things that are properly broken (unlike my mum). I suspect you'll find the same.

I first broke down 10 years ago and am an ongoing project!

NAA - I don't think you will start treating your dd like that.You have insight and awareness.You have questioned and are questioning.
I don't do it to my dc,either.Yet I remember as a child wondering if I would enjoy making mt own children cry one day,if I would enjoy hitting and beating them.....I guess I must have been questioning why they did it to me.I wouldn't dream of doing any of the stuff they did - to anyone.

My friendships are also different,now.I think I only ever attracted people who saw me as a victim,and I also used to be quite intense,and maybe unable to relate to people in a lighthearted way.

I know my constant dramas and life events kept people away ,too.Some friends certainly must have walked away in despair,wondering why I seemed bent on self destruction.

Yes, thats makes sense Grace, I think mostly I just want for my house to feel like a home, I think thats what I am striving for.

My mothers house is pristine now. Her laundry basket is never full. She lives in a lovely 4 bed house with just my stepdad and I wonder why she couldn't have done it when we were growing up. I could never have friends around because it was embarrassing.

I think I need to start therapy again.

piranhamorgana yes - drama! I recognise that, it was the buzz word of my university days for sure. All my relationships had been intense and overly dramatic and then I met DH who I got along with wonderfully but wasn't interested in until I found out he'd only been single for 2 weeks.

I think I probably thought it was going to be another drama-filled relationship doomed to fail. I certainly remember having a panic attack when he moved in because it seemed it was actaully working out. We still have our issues now but he is amazingingly supportive and so I hope to get better for the sake of my marriage and for dd.

Thank you both for saying you don't think I am fated to repeat history. That's really helped calm me. I love DD more than anything in the world, the thought of her having a childhood like mine actually makes me cry.

I have had a read, thanks for sharing NAA and Grace, wise words piran!

I lived in a clean house as a child, I was quite clean myself until a few months ago, mobility issues and some form of depression that is new to me has taken over, I am sleeping loads and at funny hours, I don't feel down though, I have little motivation, I think it is as my motivation previously was shame of others seeing the house and wanting it nice for the dc, I am working my way back to my normal standards bit by bit, I was so very houseproud, motivation is a big problem right now, and having been out earlier I have a reoccurance of mobility problem which is not helping matters! Ho hum!

Hi thanks for your help last night.

Well i finaly did it and now i'm scared but i'm not going to give in.

I have just gone no contact with my whole family. Thats it its just me and son and DH form here on out. I'm an independant adult.

I called my sister and she didn't answer, she has caller ID and is very "I will talk to you when i want to" and then i thought that none of my family ever call me or come see me. They have gone no contact with me!

So i called my mum and told her i had enough of trying with people who dont give a shit about me and that i want nothing to do with them anymore and that i will not call her again or come see them.

They will never see my son again and that i will not send cards or money for xmas or birthdays as i did not see the point with people who dont like me and dont care for me.

She said "Well you want miss what you never had" and i hung up on her.

There i'm free

The end - its time to start my new life as a mother and a wife and an adult in my own right.

My family is my son and husband.

Also she wasn't angry or upset, she just realy didn't care.

Gosh. "Not with a bang but a whimper", eh.

Please be very, very gentle with yourself for the next few days in case you feel some aftershocks. And enjoy your coming PEACEFUL Christmas, the first of many :) xx

I think i have started greving i had counciling in june till october and it was all about my family and how bad they treated me and how they dont respect me and how i really have no relationship with any of them. I'm just not wanted by them.

I didn't mean to do it that way but when i was on the phone she mentioned by brother and i just flipped and thou enough.

It just came out, i think my DH was as shocked as i was.

There have been so meny bad things they have done and i just dont want that for my son and i need to cut my losses and move on.

I have know it would come to this when i was 7 years old, i'm just stubbon and kept trying for too long.

I keep thinking i'm going to be alone now and i have to remind myself that i have my son and i'm not alone and i am capable of looking after us both on my own if i have too.

Its scary being an adult but its time for me to be one now.

Changing sessions and all that

OK, I am spending the 25th on my own. I am going to have roast beef and watch telly all day with the heating on high. I'm getting a full dose of family in the surrounding days, one or two at a time. Am looking forward to seeing Lost Child Brother, am a bit nervous about the visit with Golden Brother, and feeling relaxed about the others.
It's all good. Thank you, those who asked! xx

findingthepath - that's a big step,and you sound very positive - empowered.
Taking control is fantastic.

I agree with Grace = do be gentle with yourself now....maybe the empowered feeling will last,but if it fades and you feel a bit shaky,hang on in there!

I am still feeling sooo lonely..as if I have the world to carry ,all on my own.
There will be no grown ups to talk to now until after the New Year.

Just me and the dc,and stuck indoors with the snow outside,by the looks of it.Everyone we know - those that we want to know! - is busy with families now.Some people who might have visited are unable to,because of the snow.The dc can't see their fathers for the same reason.

I feel sorry for myself.I am on MN all day and will be posting more than usual,so apologies in advance.

I'm afraid I have been lurking tonight for the most part. I haven't had much of consequence to say but am reading your posts.

Well done ftp. It will be hard but be kind to yourself. Grace, your Christmas Day sounds fab!

Hugs to all xxx

Ftp . Wow ! Well done for summoning the courage to go NC and telling your mother.

(I went NC myself years ago , by text .

Just couldnt face actually speaking to her, or listening her repeat how evil/selfish/ungrateful i am for the thousanth time ,. )

You are right , your family is your husband and your son.

Xmas this year will be very peaceful !

Hi droves. Good to see you around. Hope you're okay.

I was also thinking about Nemo and trs. Hope you're both doing okay too, if you're reading this.

I have a fucked up family too. I'm glad when I read stuff here to see that I'm not the only one who has experienced this cr@p.

Men I've had relationships with are always baffled by my parents behaviour. They ask me 'why do they behave that way??' Trouble is, I don't know and I feel ashamed to be part of such a family. The shame is something I find hard to shake off. I also feel hugely envious of people who have normal, loving families.

I'm an only child and I have diagnosed bipolar disorder. Once, when I was hospitalised for mania I had to go to a hospital 1.5 hours away (I had no choice). I had nobody to pick me up from there but them (had no DH/DP at the time) and they didn't want to so they used to phone my doctor and shriek down the phone that they felt it was not their responsibility to pick me up and she (my doctor) should pick me up if I had to come home on leave (I wasn't allowed to drive because I was an inpatient).

My father has always hated me. My mother is bonkers - lovely one day, nasty, spiteful, cruel the next. She says stuff like 'I am a wonderful person and when I die I will go to heaven'.

FTP ... the thing you wrote , "i`ll give you something to cry about " is the most chilling phrase on all the stately homes threads.( for me at least ).

My ex-mother used to say it all the time , always before hitting. Sadistic bitch.

I spoke to dh a few days ago about things that happened during my childhood.

I mentioned i wanted to phone Aunt A , (who is mothers sis) and ask her why she never phoned social work and got us out of there ?

...Then it occured to me that she wouldnt , she often said she "would burst us". (slang term for beating up).
Why would a grown adult threaten to hit a child?

Abuse/mental illness must have been rife in their own lives. They really dont see what theyve done wrong?.Perhaps im making excuses.

Catalogueing the things that happened to us...

throwing food over us .

hitting us with belts, buckles and brushes (jaggy ends)

Hitting us with belts , but putting salt and
pepper on skin first ,so it would hurt more when it broke the skin.

Not allowing us hot water to wash in.

Humilliating us verbally.

Screaming at us for no reason or for things that were nothing to do with us.... example ..getting blamed for mother having wrinkles ...really was my fault ect.

Making us sit facing the wall with our nose touching the wall for hours on end.

making us stand with arms outstreched with heavy books in hands.

Not taking us to doctor or dentist when ill/toothache ect.

Not feeding us properly , then telling people i was anorexic.

Not providing adequate clothing or footwear.

Making sister and i do all the household jobs from age 7 & 8 ... by this i mean , cooking cleaning , grocery shopping, buying electricity/gas cards, laundry , taking bins out, childcare for younger siblings.

Having to sit for hours on end absolutly silent .If we made any noise at all , we got hit. even if a floorboard creaked whilst we were creaping out the room to go to the loo.

Having to hold in from visiting the loo for hours. Ex-mother would lie in bath for hours and hours at a time , sometimes 4 hours .there was only one toilet in our house ..

And most disturbing of all ..being summoned to enter the bathroom whilst ex-mother was lying in the bath to listen to her talk. She would be in bath naked , and just rabbit on and on and on about how dad and stepdad were evil, how they used her ect.

I remember once being summoned ...(if you didnt look at her whilst she was talking she would hit us)
She was about 6 month pregnant with my half brother at the time and started punching herself in the belly.

i wish she was dead. No body helped us because in public she gave a good act of being a nice person. She works as a nurse now. God help the patients

GOD ive just read back my last post and it sounds horrific.