"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Thank you droves - I cannot see any other way round it either.

Thank you Hopesforsun.

It is very hard to grieve for your own 'losses'-forget the right word- for things you should have had but never did- from childhood.

Today is my littlest one's 3rd bday, so I'm there with you on reading the stories and giving (and getting!) the hugs.

I feel it too, I know what you are talking about. It does hurt. I try to channel it into a bit of reparentig myself and receive the hug for myself- my 'inner' child.

John Bradshaw's book "The Homecoming" is the source for explaining how and why it is important to receive positive affirmations even if it is from yourself, many years later.

Others are further along and can probably explain better, Grace? Smithfield?

Sad to say Grace has de-regged and left Mumsnet. I'm crossing my fingers that she will be drawn back though, eventually!

I think that after realising what happened, that it was wrong / unusual / illegal, who did what and after asking the question 'why? why me?' and never eally getting a satisfactory answer (especially where narcissistic parents are concerned) the hardest thing has been finding ways to fill the hole where my self esteem should be.

I think the 'answer' is long and complicated and consists of lots of things, different techniques, changing mental habits, altering the way I view myself and others. And it takes time.

Affirmations is a technique that I have found very effective. Stuff like 'I am loved and worthy of love.' You feel daft saying it to yourself, but bit by bit it really does filter through mentally.

Thanks Nemo.
I'll hope she'll be back soon, too. Her posts have always helped me.

I have name changed, btw; I used to be TooManyStuffedBears.

The 'inner child' and 'reparenting yourself' sounded daft to me when I first heard of them.

Keeping a open mind.

Thanks Droves, that is very good advice. I think I wil, have to "force" myself to do that - it's not going to come naturally. But hopefully after a while it could be a new habit I might learn.

It's hard to completely re-invent yourself and your self-image at 40 isn't it, after a lifetime of being told you are worthless. x

Carrots

I have had this problem and my solvtion now is to keep all cards and put them away somewhere safe. Then when my DC is old enough to understand i will show him/give them to him and tell him what has happened and why i feel that way i do and why i choose to keep them away from them.

I dont want secrates in my family and i feel like they will hurt my family if i justs bined them and i will not give my mum and dad that power. At the end of the day they are my son's family and he has a right to know them if he chooses too. But as a child its my job to protect him right now.

If contact happens in the future then it will be on my terms only but the will not have any power over my family. Im my family there are no secrates. My LO has asked to call Nanny and i just said no we'er not talking to nanny right now.

With regards to my Birthday i fake it
Its only a few days between mine and my Husbands so we have a joined party/meal and i have a good time celeabrating his Birthday and when people say happy Birthday to me i smile and say Thank you.

I make my Husband happy and i made my fab child and i have a great life and i have value in this life so on my Birthday i think of those things. If i do think of my exfamily then i feel hurt and let down but i just let it pass on throu as thats not me anymore and it was them and not me any way.

Snowdropsfairy - thank you for your advice. I may keep the cards the cards. They do have a right to know but I just wouldnt know where to start really.

I have to protect my children now as well and I feel pretty certain if my parents do have contact soon they will give up - they are not the patient type and so there will not be much to explain.

I feel awful, awful, awful and cannot imagine how I will ever explain my parents to my child.

I just dont think about telling my son untill i have to. No point worring about it. I hope that by the time i tell him he will understand and that he will not care. Kind of like what you dont have you don't miss?

I know i'm doing the right thing for him and i'm happy that he will not get hurt by them as my sisters children has been.

May be in the future he can talk to them about his grandpearents and see that he has not missed out on anything good?

I also think that i get to raise him my way and that when he does/if he ever does see them that he will stand up for himself and that he can see them for what they are.

I think it is hard to see things when you are too close or involved in a situation. Everyone in my exfamily thinks that its normal to treat your children like that

I have a better view of it from where i am and its not normal or healthy in any way

I talked to my eldest sister and she has told me the middle sister has blamed her son for teaching my middle sister's son not to do his homework and said to the 8 yo in question "Its all your fault your a bad boy and now your teaching my son to do bad things as well".

Like a 6 yo has not got a mind of his own!

After i talked to my sister my mum called me. I said hello she said "Your still alive then". I hung up the phone

I just dont get them and i'm going to stop trying as you can't put logic where there is none.

very true findingthepath

There just isn't any justification

I can't believe that up until about 6 months ago, I thought my parents were the only abusive parents who maintained they had done nothing wrong. I really thought that somehow, I was getting it wrong, being a bad daughter, being cruel to them by staying away.

The truth of it is neither of them could ever be trusted around my dd, not to mention the damage seeing them would do to me.

I know it doesn't magically 'cure' anything but I still think that moving away from abusive parents is a very positive step - but of course it provokes huge emotions and guilt in people like us.

When i felt "safe" in my own family i started thinking about my childhood and all the bad things that happened. When me and my DH went back to see my exfamily we would plan on staying a week but i could only last 2 days before i had to leave again.

One time my Dad's dog bite my sister and my Dad throw my sister out of the house and took the dog upstairs on his bed. I was so angry and my DH was that a father could do that. We left at 10pm as my DH wanted to shout at them.

After i stoped contact i did not feel guilty as i has tried for 28 years to get them to care about all of us.

They are all adults and can look after themselves.

I think my sisters and my brother has problems but they are not mine to sort out. They all have such a low opioin about me that they would not even listen. None of them have an selof esteem and they all hurt each other just to get my exmum and dad's attention.

I cant do that anymore.

I did feel like they would call me or turn up and hurt me for a few weeks and i do feel bad that i dont have a normal family.

I turly believe that the less contact my son has with my exfamily the better it is for him.

I want him to have self esteem and confidence and to love him self and others. To see family as a postitive thing.

I total feel like i made the right choose for my family but it was a very hard thing to do and it take 2 years to finialy go none contact and that was with counciling and the support of my husband.

For my son's second birthday the did not send/give him a gift, did not come to see him and i had to pay £2.10 to get the card they sent as it did not have enough postage on it. If my son was old enuogh to understand and care i think that would have done so much damage to his self esteem. Its horrible to do that to a child. They even has a shouting match on the phone with me, they tried to say it was my fault that they did this!

They just have no idea, no at all and its not my job anymore to try and make them understand.

Fuck them i have better things to do with my life.

ftp , you could have just described my exfamily ( except its one sister and brothers ).

You do have much better things to do with your life !

Grace ....if your lurking , wish you well in the future and take care of you xxx

Hi

How is everyone doing?

After posting a very positive thing elsewhere, I have had a massive trigger today. Been back to Pete-walker.com to try and get through it.

I think that crying a lot is probably good and ultimately healing, but I really could use a hug. :(

I just feel so very alone, useless, and bad. But I haven't done anything wrong. Jesus....I'm two/three/four? Must allow this to happen. Hard.

I have a horrible feeling that my " mother" tried to kill me. I want to see my medical records from all the cases of food poisoning I had, that didn't affect anyone else in the family at the time.

Do you think that they will let me see them, from that long ago?

Oh, bless you thisis :(

If they still have those records, I think they have to let you - mine can never find any records from a year ago, though, I wouldn't bank on it.

Want to tell? Or not yet?

Thank you Garlic.....:) ;)

xxx

I actually found myself "hiding". :( Dressing gown, hood over my head, between the bed and radiatior, picking paint off said radiator with a tiny screw driver. I am mad aren't I? Picking away at the paint, like I used to split individual hairs off my own head. I even got one of my hairs to split fourteen times. Fucking nutter. :(

Not a nutter thisishowifeel, just having distressing triggers and flashbacks. That is hard to deal with so just be kind to yourself while you go through this new phase in your healing. Don't expect too much of yourself.

BTW it is Roseability with a name change. I used to post a lot but haven't for a while. I can empathise with you because although I have got to a good place, I am having 'flashbacks' or triggers about possible sexual abuse and it is so hard to tell what is real.

Thinking of you x

p.s. It was my birthday recently and I couldn't fathom why I felt 'out of sorts' all day and a bit teary at times. I wonder if I too struggle with such ocassions because they trigger me in some way

Crap! Lost my post by that friggin button on the side of the vertical mouse again!

Hugs for you, thisishowIfeel.
Hang in there. It sounds like more pieces of the puzzle are revealing some devestating truths for you. It is knowledge...and more knowledge that I hope you never forget is that you are a survivor. I hope this difficult time passes quickly for you.

Happy Birthday, Lysithia.

Waves to phantom Grace.

Hi droves, snowdrop, findingthepath and nemo.
Greetings justcarrots and garlicbutter and sleepygirl.

I am struggling with filling the void, too. Since cutting off my NPD toxic sister, the codependency tentacles have been severed. Yet she still bounces around my brain-have not been able to replace that yet. Quilt patterns, caculating yardage...focus.

I have done for others for so long, I am absolutely stalled when it comes to doing something for myself. I procrastinate on exercise, I sabotage nutrition...and I know it but I still let it happen. I think it is linked to self-less transferring to selfish...and selfish has been brainwashed as worse than being (the worst thing you can think of)...short of what? jailbird, whoremonger, thief, etc-at least I am not this or that...so goes the self-esteem.

Perhaps I am hiding behind (my behind) (at least I can laugh at myself)...if I dropped the pounds, then there is a risk of being noticed. But this is silly, because I am one that has no friends beyond the nodding acquaintances of children's parents. Who would notice that I fear? No one!!

Ok thanks for that session, folks. Sorry to put you through my compairative superficial issues but writing it down does help. I'll return to my journal.

I've got one of those - it's the pen for my drawing tablet. I'm supposed to be able to do gestures & other cool stuff with it - but I never use it because I can't handle it without clicking the side buttons! Gah! You need tiny Chinese/Korean/Japanese fingers, I think.

I wanted to post that I empathise with your 'void', TMSB. I've started noticing that mine now seems to have something in it :) Long, long way to go yet but it's good to feel I exist, without actually doing anything to prove it. You might have seen Spiritmum's post, ages ago, where she wrote about chrysalises (?plural?). Apparently the creature turns into goo - just melts itself down, leaving only a tiny core of genetic code. From this goo, it grows itself into a butterfly.

It was horrid feeling like - umm, goo. But I did trust my process, as I think you do too. I used the time to read books & websites that could teach me, to figure things out in my diary, work with a therapist and very occasionally to talk with family members. I drew a lot of strength from these threads :)

I'm feeling optimistic that I am 'growing back' now. I have a lot of self-defeating, ingrained habits to overcome yet. I'm now convinced the way through these is through, not over or round. And the way through is with patient, gentle care not self-bossiness! You might not be the same, but I feel it's better for me to stay isolated while I'm doing this. I don't want to be pre-judging myself by other people's probable standards, nor facing their unrealistic expectations.

I'm having amazing dreams. And yet I'm still up at stupid o'clock, when I should be tucked up & dreaming

Oh, well. tomorrow's another day. Hope it's a positive one for all of us :)

Hello, thisis

May I post here? I was going to start a new thread but I don't think I could cope with a load of "you're overreacting" style responses as that's the line I constantly get from my mother. Maybe I am, but I feel here I would be told a little more kindly :)

God where to start. Brief background first probably best:

My father was physically abusive. He would lash out at a moments notice. According to my mother I would goad him and make it worse for myself by fighting back . Both of them were experts at cruel humour - any critical response would be dealt with by saying "it was only a joke", "you're overreacting", "you're being oversensitive" and my personal favourite "you never could take criticism". My father died about 15 years ago.

Over the last couple of years since ds2 has started going to school, I've done a lot of work on myself. I've dealt with a lot of self-esteem issues, got into martial arts, improved writing skills (to the point I now have an 80,000 word novel I'm currently in the process of editing) and have lots to be proud of.

My mother has been getting worse during that time but mostly I've been a good dutiful daughter. Things came to a head though this Christmas. She went all out on the cruel humour. She implied that dh and I did nothing for her (which couldn't be further from the truth). She implied that my SILs children were dreadful (they're not). She implied my ds2 was a troublemaker (he's not). Massive issues over getting gifts from her (she won't choose gifts herself, she won't give us a cheque - so it takes weeks of my choosing one thing after another only to be told some reason it isn't suitable. I'll spend hours of my time searching for gifts from her and then our own gift buying is done hurriedly without much thought as I've no mental energy left to do it). All this while mired in house move stuff and I was ill with flu. I managed to keep my mouth shut though. It wasn't worth the fight.

We've finally moved and a couple of weeks ago she came to visit and stay overnight. Stupidly, I arranged this while dh was away so I was on my own with her. She's been away and brought back gifts. T-shirts for the kids and a stress ball for me "because you were so stressed at Christmas, hahaha". She did the tour out of our (lovely, the stress was all worth it and I've done a lot of work to make it homely as soon as possible) house and picked holes in everything. Again I kept my mouth shut.

The following day though after the nth time of being reminded about how stressed I was over Christmas, I finally snapped. I'm not proud of it. It started off as a gentle "actually, you didn't help with that you know" on my part, but she massively escalated it, taking immediate offence completely unable to see that she'd done anything wrong. I walked out the room in order to calm down, again foolishly as she was left with the dses.

I'm not sure exactly what she said to them, but I know to them she seemed tearful and hurt. Told them she had to leave. Walked out. But when I went outside to reluctantly ask her to stay and the kids weren't watching she was snappy to me and not at all tearful. Told me that I "took things too far" and couldn't stay.

She left. Kids blamed me totally.

She sent a very passive aggressive email to ds1 (her favourite) telling him how much she loved him and how she hoped that I would apologise as she didn't want to hurt him. It was at this point that I realised that this really isn't normal or acceptable and started to read the threads on mumsnet. I've bought a lot of books on the recommendations of people here and it's finally sunk in that she (and my father) is a narcissist.

I'm a strong person, but I've been having regular anxiety attacks since she walked out. I've been jumping with fear every time the phone rings. I'm on tenterhooks waiting for when she realises that the silent treatment doesn't work as well at bringing me into line when I don't live with her anymore (her personal record previously has been 48 hours refusing to speak to me - at that point I gave in and grovelled).

I'm now at the point where I just can't face going through all the grovelling and rigmarole to fix this. I'm beginning to realise that I don't think it can be fixed (well, this row can, but overall). She will never apologise for anything she's ever done. She's making me ill. I'd love to be able to cut her out of my life, but the dses would be horribly upset - and I remember how hurt and confused I was when she cut out her MIL and I was treated as a traitor for giving her a christmas present when I was 18 (that was the 48 hour silent treatment event).

Any advice? Mothers' Day is coming up and I feel physically sick at the thought of it.

(sorry that's really long - and that's only the tip of the iceburg :( )

Hi Rubberduck,

Would suggest you also look at the "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" website if you have not already done so.

How old btw is ds1 and ds2?.

Your narcissist mother is not bringing anything positive at all into your lives and she is also doing the time honoured divide and conquer strategy on your children. It will affect them markedly if there is favouritism shown. Such inherently damaged people are more than happy to take their issues out on innocents i.e the children. I don't think your children would actually be all that unduly upset if you were to cut her off.

Infact I would now block her e-mail address from the house computer; narcs only want to use other people and see them as narcissistic supply. Also have caller ID installed on your landline so you can see if it is her ringing.

Easy to say but hard to do; I would cut her off completely without so much as a backwards glance. My narcissist BIL has cut us off and I feel a lot happier as a result. Quite apart from anything else she did she stood by and let your father abuse you as a child. And she's still abusing you (narcs have the most nasty mouths on them and will say and do anything to get their own way). Would also suggest you stop trying to get her approval as well. I can only assume this is why you have any contact at all.

I guess as well you have the FOG too - fear, obligation, guilt; a state that often comes about in adults who were children of toxic/dysfunctional parents. Toxic parents do not and never have played by the rules governing familial behaviour and relations. All her responses to you are standard responses trotted out by such toxic dysfunctional people.

I would also suggest you seek counselling for your own self: BACP are helpful in this regard.

HTH a bit

Mothers Day is a load of old hooey and profit for Clintons cards and florists. Fortunately for me my mother does not like mothers day so can bypass it easily.

Do not buy or send her anything for mothers day either. She's never been a mother to you, infact she has failed you abjectly throughout your life and thus is not worthy of the term.

Do not leave her alone any longer with your children; they are seemingly quite young and narcs can and do use them as narc supply. She is patently not interested in your children as people; she sees them as objects and treats them accordingly. You can already see how she treats DS1 and DS2 differently.

Do you have siblings; if so I was wondering how they are with her?.