"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Thanks Droves

I think i'm upset because i feel much better and more like myself and then this woman comes and tells me i need more help, to do more cources, to volunteer and need counciling and then i start to dount myself.

How can someone who did not know me before my depression now be in a place to say if i'm better or not?

The social worker is a very nice man and we have a good chat when i see him and i'm doing loads better and the hv thinks i'm doing great but they keep getting emails off the support worker to keep my case open and to provid different services like a food hygeine course and first aid course and who knows what else they can get for me to go on

Ihave started reading toxic pearents book and i'm only a few pages in but i can spot me and all my siblings in the dscription and my mum and dad fall in to 3 of the things that make pearents toxic

I think everything my dad has done to me is to upset my siblings by using me to hurt them or make them jelous. Along with his sutle putdowns and jokes about me. He is so antisocial its unreal and just plain not a nice person.

May be if i can solve these issues then i will not be so angry most of the time and i can start to enjoy my family.

I think when i've read the book i'm going to post it to my sister.

Hi Guys

Just a quick update in case it helps anyone else to see how the game is played if faced with family like mine...

I'm still NC.

It seems according to family rumours that a new tradition of Sunday lunch at my parents has been established for the favoured ones...sis' and bro'...a once a month event.

It also appears the if I don't hurry up and 'sort myself out' I am to be disinherited.

Eight weeks NC and they have already drawn out their ultimate threat. Only ultimate in their eyes though, as this threat has already been discussed with DH and the conclusion drawn that we don't want their money...the cost emotionally and physically of playing the game far out weighs any monetary gain.

They know this is the end, this is their last 'tantrum' to control me and make me behave before letting go completely...it's the way it has always been.

How do I feel...sad in an exasperated shake your head way...sad that in 40 years they never listen to a word I said about NOT wanting their money...sad they think my 'soul' will be bought, as to walk back into the family fold would be just like selling my soul to the devil ...sad that they obviously place no emotional value on contact with their 3 grandchildren...sad I spent so many futile years trying to explain who I am.

BUT...I am so very eager for the 'game' to play out and my freedom to begin. I am so close I can almost touch the 'free' me.

Congrats, Snowy

I've been disinherited, too - not that there's much to be inherited, anyway. Apparently I've already had my share in unrepaid loans: I wasn't aware she's given me any more than the others, but it's her money and she can do what she likes with it. 'Golden' sis rages at her (calling her senile, selfish, insane, yadayada) for spending money on home improvements and holidays. Nobody else cares whether they inherit anything; the rest of us stick to the "Spend your money" decision we gave our parents at a family conference decades ago.

I know the sister will be in there, clearing the house of anything valuable the minute Mum turns up her toes. Although I'm technically not bothered about it, it makes me cross that Mum puts up with these rages - and will still ensure that sis gets her inheritance. Mum is barking delusional, but she tries to be generous and no elderly person should be subjected to such vitriolic outbursts - well, no-one at all should be.

Ftp, you seem to be facing up to things with lots of courage just now. Well done :) Agree your SS worker sounds dangerously agenda-driven and manipulative. As Droves says, you should be able to get rid of her whilst maintaining the support services you need. Hope that goes well for you. x

Hiya Grace

I've never borrowed money from my parents...sis' and bro' have and have been 'let off' repaying them...I always refused their 'help' and chose to use a bank instead...that's what makes me sad...my words have always been backed up by actions and still they never listened!

I suppose the inheritance would be worth about 6 years of DH wages (only guessing - never discussed amounts tbh)...the thing is my parents are only just passed retirement age...so could, in theory, have another 30 ish years left...the reality is that by the time they actually do pop their clogs the inheritance won't be worth quibbling over anyway!

Yup...my 'Golden sis' rages too... vile and foul to listen to...but she is never, ever put in her place...it's just accepted, then mother would usually go crying to me to pick up the pieces etc...

Tbh my sis' is the last person I would want looking after me in my dotage...something about her interaction with animals etc puts the hairs on the back of my neck right on edge...not my problem though...just as I have the right to choose who I want in my life so do my parents and they have chosen sis' and bro'...and not me!

Grace, i think you can take solice in the fact that you are by far a nicer person than your "golden-girl" sister.

She sounds entirely a product of her breeding/parental example.

I pity people who value money to such an extent. Its bizare that some would put a persons worth in how much they have in the bank....or use money as a tool to control others.

Snowyb ...the free you is closer than you realise.
I think being disinherated is actually a good thing.
No one can " blackmail" (perhaps npt the right term , but ykwim? ) you into putting up with crap from them. There might be no carrot ....but theres definatly no stick !!!

Id rather have a cuddle from the dc any day ... its worth more than all the money in the world..

To actually be loved , and surrounded by people who like you , value you , and enjoy being around you is what life is all about imo. Anything else is just fucked up.People who think the point is monetary are just stupid... and not worth it.

Hi droves

I agree, to me being disinherited actually feels very liberating!

Since my parents moved I've spent so much more time actually being 'with' my DC's it makes me realise how distant to my whole life I'd become. Time spent with DC's and DH really is priceless.

I have just spent all afternoon with DH and DC's watching Harry Potter and stuffing popcorn, am now off to watch Pirates of the Caribbean...

I would never have done that before...was scared of getting caught out being lazy...film watching is so much better than 'looking busy' all day!

I have the flip side of this.

Always assumed that I would be disinherited, but apparently not, to my surprise it will be 50/50 with my stepbrother. Who has been treated like crap by my mother and ignored by his dad, poor lad.

The usual trick is to be over generous financially, chalk it up in a little book and then if I ever make a fuss or appear to need taking down a peg or two, out comes, well I paid for this and that...

I might sound ungrateful, but I'm honestly not, I have been brought up in relative poverty while mum saved away for expensive cruises and holidays after I left home at 16, and at the end of the day, it's her cash, and I never starved, although went very short of things like clothes and shoes as a teen. (only 1 set of clothes - school uniform. I was the master of accessorising so it looked different!) But what a bitch! Nothing is ever given freely, not gift is ever without an emotional cost. If she could, she would bill me for every nappy, every school book she had to buy me. Oh wait, she did bill me for college books after I had left home - and she was still collecting my child benefit the cow

And breeeeathe...

Hi everyone

Its kind of strange everyone talking about tthis subject. My husband and i have been to a lawyer and made our wills today. It was very easy in fact

In the event that we both die our son is to be looked after by my husbands younger brother. This will mean he will have little contact if any with my family. Just so they understand my husband called my father and told them this today.

My Dad told my husband (i did not talk to them) that they have not made a will and it will be a free for all and that my husband should chose what he wanted now

So my husband jokes that we should go there one last time with a post-it pad and stick "mine" on everything

I dont care about their stuff or money but it will be fun to get my deckchair out and watch my sibling fight over it all.

I'm very proud of my husband as my father tried asking him questions about me and Air and he just blocked him politly.

I dont want anything from them exsept space

Hi,
I was told about this thread and have seen it a few times, but have never properly looked at it.

I had posted this which has a link to my original thread as well.

I feel very confused at the moment. I have, for a long time, wanted distance and space from my family, most of which I have except in regards to my mum, but I feel tremendously guilty for feeling that way. And in light of what has happened, despite trying to make things ok, it proves that I seem to be wasting my time. I also feel that for once, the ball is in my court, to be able to say I don't want anything more from my family. Yet, I feel I don't have the courage to do so, particularly when there's a big part of me that doubts myself and wonders whether I'm just in the wrong still. So I'm hoping I can get advice and support from this if that's ok?

Just back from half term business.

I will catch up properly, but just wanted to share this to see if anyone else has experienced anything quite like it.

I took my dc's to see Tangled. I was physically afraid of the evil step mother. I felt sick and uncomfortable, I wanted to hide and actually wanted to cry for the rest of the day, and some part of the following day too.

The character is very like "mother" in that she was totally obsessed with her own attractiveness and youth, to the complete cost of Rapunzel's life.

It sounds daft, but I think it was Bluebell, little me, actually, really, being heard, and really integrating into the rest of me.

A positive thing I think.

Off to catch up properly. xx

Hi Sleepygirl,
I read a bit of your other thread. I think the underlying foundation of the fear, obligation, and guilt is brainwashing.

You have been trained to feel bad x, terrible y, and oppressive z as a consequence to you not performing to their script. It is all about them, your mother, sister, and father.

As scapegoat, it will never be recognized that you have actual feelings, that you deserve actual empathy, sympathy, care, and genuine concern. It is as if you do not exist.

The way forward is to put yourself first.
The way forward is to put yourself first.
Yourself first.
Yourself first.

Understand that you have been trained to be selfless and kind in extraordinary circumstances-that is putting up with them.

Put yourself first, and do not put up with them anymore.

Yourself first.

It is not easy and will take time because you essentially will be retraining your brain how to think about your family. Yourself first.

Yourself first. By the way, this is not selfishness, it is survival.

Hi TeachMySelfBalance. Thanks for your post.

It is hard, and I feel more confused at the moment. My DP had asked I contacted my mum today, so I did. Everything was pleasant on the surface, as obviously she's just had an operation and DP said it would be better to try and do things calmly. I asked if she had told my sister to tell me not to go see her (left out the "I don't care" part as DP said I shouldn't sound like I'm accusing without knowing whether it was my sister or my mum). The response I got was that she knew sister had texted me and she had asked her to text me because she couldn't. Didn't really answer my question. DP thinks I should leave it as he thinks it's down to my sister. I still feel like it's my mum, but she wants to keep things "calm" on the surface. Now I just want to bang my head against the wall.

I think I will have to read your post several times a day to try and think like that.

Hello Sleepygirl, and Teachmyselfbalance,

A friend of mine once advised me, (I'm another scapegoat), to actually stand in front of a full length mirror, and say, out loud, "there is nothing you can do about them, only you". And to keep on saying it for as long as it took to start to go in. I did it for a good half hour the first time. This was one of the things that gave me the courage to ask for more therapy, which I got. :)

The Scapegoat has an escape route though. Why would a Golden Child want to move on? Why WOULDN'T a Scapegoat!

As for money?

I don't care, I really don't, if I get some good, if I don't, so what.

I hear on the grapevine that my cokehead sister is marrying her cokehead/ alcoholic partner. Let's hope it lasts longer than her first cokehead marriage......18 months. Still any excuse for a piss up eh?

Hi ThisishowIfeel,
Sometimes movies throw me for a loop too. Mama Mia did it for me...loving mother daughter relationship, AND adult female friends!!

I am glad you are emotionally disconnected from the money/gifts. That is so empowering, isn't it?

Hello Sleepygirl,
I think a dynamic (dance, game-by whatever name...) is maintained to keep you looking/wondering about their intents and purposes...which will use up your energy/time and keep you away from focusing on what is best for you (less involvement). Evasiveness and dismissiveness-just everyday variety of disrespect for you. I know it stabs-it hurts; I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

Have you ever looked up the 'Drama Triangle'? Sorry I'm next to computer illerate or I'd dig up a link for you. One day I'll actually try.

It describes manipulative processes by taking on/assigning roles such as Victim, Rescuer, and Villain. The only answer for healthy mental health is, that's right, to not play-stay out of the triangle. The "Toxic Parents" book may go into it-its been awhile since I read it (passed it on to my sister).

I will have a look for that Drama Triangle. I will also get my hands on that book when I get paid.

DP is good and tries to keep my mind off things, and wants me to ignore this. I felt like I was going crazy earlier, as I thought it was my mum lying, but now that you say I'm using up all my energy on trying to play along, I understand what you mean. So I have decided to forget it and have spent the past couple of hours feeling much better for it. Let's just hope I keep it up!

here aresome links

Whoops ,forgot to namechange back.Don't out me on my other threads!

thisis - I will be wary of that film now.

MamaMia got me ,too.

And,does anyone remember the film of - I think - an Angela Carter book about Little Red Riding Hood ?........ >SHUDDERS

Thisis - Thank you for your post it has highlighted something i could never "get" before.

I always cry when watching children films where the family does something nice for another member. I could never understand why i was crying as it was ment to be a good part in the film, the happy ending.

I now relise i was crying because i did not have that type of family and i was missing the love that families should have.

Shit i'm crying as i wrt this, it really has just clicked

On the other hand i read a lot of books an one about a wearwolf pack of adults had such a bond together that it felt so warm and cosy that i have a dream of being in a family were everyone is equal and not judged and everyone is friendly. That love is showen to all members.

Hopefully now i can be a part of my own family and it might be like that

Thanks for the links. Shall keep hushed on that

findingthepath, I'm like that. I get very overemotional. One thing my family has taught me is how to love and treat my DD. Not that I can ever imagine doing what they did to me to her. Though I always had that fear that I would become my mum, and sometimes still worry, but it's not as often as it use to be.

I do the film thing too.

Even at shreck forever after ...( ffs its a cartoon and it sets me off.)

Having said that ...cant help but grin at the bit in "ever after" when the step-mother and sisters are "punished"...If only that happened in real life .

...i aslo cried today whilst reading the twins some storybooks.

Tiger came to tea had me blubbing away .(the bit when the dad comes home and they all put coats on to get dinner out side).

And gruffalos child ....the little gruffalo got a fright from the big bad mouse and ran home to her gruffalo parent.... i couldnt help it...i never had someone to run too...i ran from my parents.

Its so unfair. Even a childs story sets me off.

heres some flowers for the inner kids.

Hi everyone - I have had no contact with my mum and step dad for 5 months now. It is nearly my daughters birthday and I have got a card from my parents. It just says to x love from nanny and grandad.

What dO I do?? She is too young to know but I feel bad witholding it but they are not safe to be around us and I will never have contact with them again. So do I withold the cards or let the children have them when they come and just tell them they cannot speak to their grandparents?? Oh What do I do??

I do not want them to come between me and my children when they did awful things and care only for themselves.

Sorry to gatecrash; I'm a bit of a lurker on this thread and full of admiration for all of you here. You are all so brave facing up to your past and dealing with the awful legacy. I only post very sporadically here as I am still finding it hard to articulate my childhood.

I was just wondering if any of you find your birthdays hard ? It is coming up to mine and I am dreading it. Friends keep asking me how I want to celebrate, but to be honest I want to sleep through it entirely. For me it's a reminder of the two people who brought me into the world and have done me a lot of harm. Who have never particularly acknowledged the day either. For years I lived in hope I would feel I mattered on that one day of the year, but whatever I received was begrudging or late.

I feel I have to pretend to my kids and friends that I like all the birthday stuff but inside I just want to forget what day my birthday is. Just wondering if anyone else understands? xx

justcarrots ...id simply bin the cards .if your dc dont know there are grandparents (not that they really are iykwim), then they wont miss them .

saves a lot of explaining in the future too.

cremeeggs ...birthdays are hard , especially when you look back too past birthdays that were awful.

I think the trick is to realise that your birthday is a day for the people who love you to celebrate having you in their lives...for me its dh and the kids , for you your kids and friends.

My birthday is a celebration of the only thing my parents did right ...even if i was an accident .