"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi Dillinger

I don't think you are wrong for not going either....Oh and let those floodgates open if you need too...we don't mind. xx

Out of the FOG site...

outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/FOG.html

Thankyou both.

I tried counselling a few times before I had children but never really felt right with it. Ive had cbt to try and help with things but that was mainly agoraphobia and Im quite okay with going outside now thankfully. (Couldnt talk to my mum about this - tried once and she barked at me to 'effing snap out of that' Thats their way of dealing with things.

When we've visited before Ive tried to 'act' more grown up, more in control purely cos I dont want them to get to me. Often when Im there a row will spark up for some reason and she makes me feel about 14 again.

I know I shouldnt feel guilty for not going, I think its made worse that when I explain to ds later that we're not going he will get upset.

If they at least appeared to be making an effort then it prob wouldnt be so bad, but when we have been we've had to go straight to a supermarket to buy our groceries etc for the time we're there - when they came to me I had bought lots of things in theyd like, cooked for everyone etc

Thanks for that link - off to read and bookmark now

Hi everyone I'm new and have posted up a thread on my possible narcissistic mother. REading this thread has really opened my eyes, she has a lot of the traits mentioned and I have suffered anxiety disorder, agoraphobia etc for the last 20 yrs or so (Im 40 now). My mother and myself thankfully have limited contact, perhaps every 2 weeks or so. She sometimes will ring to ask me to bring over the grandkids. She is mega controlling over my father, she left him 10 yrs ago for her partner (she had numerous affairs throughout my childhood) and she now lives with the partner but also spends sundays in my fathers house and nags him to clear up etc as if she is still living there, its bizarre, I dont know why he puts up with it. She favours my older sister and spends a lot of time with her, she rarely visits my house or the grandkids, mainly cos i dont allow her partner meet my kids (as they may be confused, they are still young). She controls my brother who only left home recently, she texts him to 'eat your porridge', hes 30 FFS! I also remember as a child, whenever she WAS at home which wasnt often, that she would have stand up rows in shops with assistants over small stuff, I used to wish the ground would swallow me up. As I said in other thread, the whole atmosphere of a family event is dicated by her mood and whether shes had a row with her partner or my father. She definitely thinks shes better than others..better stop now could go on for ages. In her mind though she thinks she cares for us all!!

Hello to new people

Thanks for reassuring me i'm normal with the nightmears, i'm having a wobble today and i think your right the "vib" has staied with me all day and its just catch me off guard.

I dont think i can help anyone today or the next month but i am reading all your posts

(((hugs)))

(((hugs back))) findingthepath its good to know others are reading anyway, mind yourself xxx

Hey hariboegg sounds like we have similar parents, I can relate to that rushed feeling and I also rarely answer the phone to my mother. My dad isn't as bad, in fact he was the one that was controlled for yrs by my mother and still is to a large extent. I wouldn't move for the reason that most of my siblings live near me and my dad would miss the kids. Have you any supportive siblings or friends near you? Do your parents give much time to their grandson, your son? Glad to know counselling has worked for you xx

Hey hariboegg sounds like we have similar parents, I can relate to that rushed feeling and I also rarely answer the phone to my mother. My dad isn't as bad, in fact he was the one that was controlled for yrs by my mother and still is to a large extent. I wouldn't move for the reason that most of my siblings live near me and my dad would miss the kids. Have you any supportive siblings or friends near you? Do your parents give much time to their grandson, your son? Glad to know counselling has worked for you xx

Sometimes the grief completely engulfs me. Sometimes it's just overwhelming.

I'm ok, just stunningly tired and I want to sob uncontrollably, it just so not fucking fair. I want to be in a real, normal loving family, that does real, normal, loving things.

It's not fair. It's just NOT FUCKING FAIR. :(

Oh thisis I hope you're feeling ok this afternoon.

I didnt go to my parents so now Im being ignored by my mum, and hassled by my sister (13). Apparently they cant afford to come up, theyre not loaded etc etc change the fucking record. Neither are we but its called planning for things. When Im down there they make me feel like crap, when I try and make a point Im made to be the bad one, 'dillingers having one of her moods again' etc

Its almost funny that they hate the way I am, cant understand me, but yet arent they the ones that made me this way?

Thisishowifeel - hope your feeling better today.

I think i'n the lost child or the loner and now i have no contact i'm still in the same role?

I also know now why i push my husband away because thats what i have been taught to do

Findingthepath - I can empathise with you re. pushing your husband away as I do the same. Its like I cant enjoy anything cos I think I dont deserve it. I dont deserve to be happy or have good things happen to me. I find it hard to see the positive in things and focus on the negative instead to reinforce my belief that truly I am crap.

I find it hard to ask for help, and never accept it when its offered. I can be awful to dp, trying to push him away cos thats what Im used to - having people feel theyve had enough and not bothering with me. Im more at ease being alone. I find it hard to make friends with people, and often suspect an ulterior motive - 'how can they possibly want to be friends with someone as shit as me? They must be up to something'.....

I always always felt like the black sheep of the family, the outsider, the one they just didnt 'get'.

Yep thats how i feel but not the black sheep of the family - this position was filled by my sister.

She had one aborsion at 21 and had a baby at 40 she had to DNA test 3 men to find out who the dad was. She had thousands of lovers (all boyfriends even if it was for only a week) changed job and homes and men and cars. She was always the black sheep but once she had her child and a council house by my mum and dad, my mum adored her son and i left and my sister took over looking after my mum and dad.

So may be i'm filling the vacant position but no one told me

Hi everyone

Hope you all had a lovely peaceful weekend.

This morning i saw my psycologist... she pointed out that i am not so affected by childhood abuse , but more so by the guilt i have from cutting out the toxics.

Apparently ,i am feeling "guilty" for abandoning my family....
I have perfection issues ... (yeah i know , the ocd , she read my file ...it must be huge by now).
My family didnt meet my "standards" ,(read non-abusive ideal), but im guilty because i didnt stick around to "fix them".
I feel i abandoned them to her illness

Psycologist pointed out its not my fault my mother has Mental Illness, nor is it my job to help her.
She needs to help herself.
As for my siblings , they look at the world through their own eyes , and i need to accept that although their lives were no picnic either , that they did not have the same level of abuse i did , so they cant understand and be sympathetic in the way i would like. (thats fair enough , but not fair iwkwim?).

The guilt manafests itself in the way of thinking daily about my mother , what she did and trying to work out why she did what she did. The guilt makes me think about it.

The guilt is a waste of time.
It was pointed out that i have done exactly the right thing with cutting them out .I am protecting my children from damage .

If i continued a relationship with my mother /siblings it would damage my children , either directly (them being abused by toxics) or indirectly ( them witnessing me being abused by toxics).

So the choice was no choice really.

I have done the right thing....

It was wonderful to have it confirmed by someone who knows these things.
I honestly feel happy about this now.

I have inner peace .

Droves - Sounds like you had a very good day

I want to talk about something but i'm worried that you will judge me and think i'm a bad mum so i will just stay angry and closed off for now until i go bang

I want to throw myself under a train right now or walk out in the road and get hit my a very big lorry. I'm finding it hard to think of reason why its not a good plan right now.

I feel like crap, that deep down in your tummy, blackness that i will never get out and its all my fault and i hate it.

I feel sick to my stounch. I hate myself.

Hang on in there FTP It will pass.

Start typing eh?

hugs.x

Gerr i don?t know where to start its just upset me.

I had PND and a big meltdown last may when i kind of just snapped. Social services got involved because i had depression and my relationship with my husband, PIL and my family were all disintegrating. They paid for my son to go to nursery for 2 afternoons per week to give me respite from him. I had counselling and went on AD?s. My family did not help me at all in fact my Dad was going to make me and my son homeless as he refused to let us stay at his house even thou my old room and bed is still there.

I was give a family support worker from the local sure start centre. Her advice has been so far to leave my child cry until he makes himself sick a few times, send my son to nursery with a chest infection and when he is on antibiotics, to go out somewhere when my husband is off work ill, to apply for money to go on holiday and other bizarre carp.

At the start of the month she moved my son from one nursery to another and told me it was on a 2 year pilot sachem. I called my Social worker a very nice man that my son had moved and i was of the understanding that SS were no longer paying for this and asked if he was closing the case. He did not know anything about this. I was no happy with the way she handled the change or the new nursery.

I think the sw may have had a word with her. On Friday the support worker can and filled out a form to move my son back to his old nursery and she told me he might not get funding as i do lots of things with him anyway. The i told her my depression was still there and i was finding it hard getting out as its winter and i feel down.

Now she has come over tonight saying that she will come tomorrow with her supervisor and that she has passed the case back to the HV and social services to get me so mental health help ? counselling and so they can continue to fund the nursery place.
When the case was closed in October she sent an email to my social worker and got the case reopened. So i think she is doing it again as I?m sure they were going to close the case.

I just don?t know why she is doing this to me. I just want them to back out of my life now i?m feeling better. I think she hates me.

She has told me that her mother beat her as a child and from what she has said there are families with worse problems than mine.

She makes me feel as if my problems are nothing and i'm silly for worring about things and that my depression is not that bad. The other day she asked if i wanted to go on a maths course or if there were any skills i needed to reenter work.

When i told her i had 9 GCSE all grade c and a 2.2 business studies degree where i have done accounting and economics she did a cats bum face and said "well we will just forget that then". I also told her that i had a job when i wanted to go back to work she said "Wish everyone was that lucky".

She just makes me feel fucking worse.

Its like i have worked so hard for all these months and even thou i think i'm getting better she does not think so and i end up feeling like i'm mad and thats how the world sees me.

Sorry this is probly not the right pelace to off load this crap but i just hoped someone could point me in the right direction for sanity and the real world please.

FTP THAT WOMAN IS A FARKING NIGHTMARE .....

Is she from sure-start ?.
I think sure start are volunters , so id be reporting her . She is out of order and making you more stressed than need be.
She should never have said to you "there are people with worse problems " . Or have belittled your qualifications (im impressed btw, you clever girl). Shes a moron.

Pnd is horrible , ive been there myself but keep on the ads and you will feel better eventually. Dont anyone make you feel bad about that.
You are a good mum , you post about your little family with affection and its obvious you love your son a great deal.

Keep posting , and dont worry about deviating the thread , we are all here to support each other .

Actually i suspect that horrid woman is a narssasist.
You could have been posting about a toxic parent.

I think shes got the job to give her a "NP fix" iykwim?.

here ftp have this -> and

She has been here everyday for the past three days and i'm sure she is doing it cos i complained about her move my son to a different nursary

I'm feeling better my son is fine and when the hv asked if i take my son to groups there was not enough space on her form to fit all the stuff we do on it

I have now been roped in to fucking voluntering for sure start, i blam the pm and fucking big sociaty if i wanted to do stuff with my free time i would sodding well go to work gerr

I need to learn to say no and stick up for myself instead of pleasing everyone else and just feeling bad inside and not telling anyone

Thanks Droves i think she is a narc its so alien to me that i just dont know who to handle her. I try to take control of the meetings and she just looks shocked at me and puts me down

Social work and health visitor think i'm fine its just the support worker that keeps the case open.

Ftp , id try and get the social worker and hv onside if you can.

They are the "offical people" , and why not use their help to get rid of the bitch ss surestart volunteer.

Point out to them that she has told you her mother beat her , and that your concerned that she is projecting some of her own unresolved issues onto your situation.

Someone so emotionally vunerable herself could not possibly give an unbiased report on your situation, because she is over anxious and actively looking for negative.

This in turn is extremly stressfull and along side the bitchy dismisive and hurtfull comments you fear she is unsupportive .

.... Im glad your wee boys feeling better .