Hello, may I post here please? Its been a while since I was last here - I usually explain a bit on here, then feel as though Ive said things I shouldnt, then back off for months. I do appreciate the advice given though, very much so.
Im not sure anyone will recognise me and therefor not remember any of my previous posts, so briefly - crappy abusive childhood, very p.a mother, angry father, Ive got no self esteem, bullied for years etc. I left home at 19 almost 20 and moved 250miles away from my family. Im now almost 29.
Okay so ever since I left home its been me and dp (and then dc 1 and then 2) that have done the visiting. About a 4 hour trip on average. My dad has visited me once in the years Ive been away, my mum and a sibling of mine have visited before but either we paid for the travel, or dp drove down and picked them up and dropped them home a week later (yes really! I think he was trying his best to encourage more of a family thing with me and mine) anyway we arent well off - dont own our house, cant afford much etc but would save up to visit them, take my sibling on days out etc Nothing was ever returned - not that Id even have taken it but an offer would have been nice.
When I had ds (5) they wouldnt come to visit, we had to go to them and they are awful to stay with - dont help with anything, I was struggling one night to settle ds and my mum went mental, shouted at me through the wall etc When I was preg with dd the consultant was concerned there were problems and I was extremely anxious about the birth and who would have ds. I begged my mum to come and stay for a few days (she doesnt work etc) but she said she 'couldnt just drop everything' and didnt help me 
. Thankfully dd was fine but again we made the trip down so they could meet her. (I can see Ive prob made my own bed here but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.)
Im always edgy there, esp if they have been out for a drink cos that just takes me back. I carry a lot of anger and grief at what my life couldve been like if only things had been different when I was young. Maybe Id feel some kind of self worth.
Anyway over the years Ive been away Im feeling better within myself, more settled. I notice that after a visit to them I come home feeling drained and find it so difficult to function for a few days, if that makes sense. Though despite everything I still feel an awful sense of duty (though I know it is misplaced, wrong even) that I have to be the one that visits them. I cant get to sleep there, my mum gets all 'huffy' with me if I go to catch up with a friend (not that mum has to do anything as dp takes care of the children), even if I stay in its made quite clear that my being there is a pain.
I dont even know what Im trying to get at here, Im sorry if Im confusing but I havent been back to feeling like this for months and its strange.
We were meant to visit them tomorrow for a few days but Im just feeling so angry and upset - its always us that visits and Im fed up with it, its me that keeps communication going, its me that has to bloody sort things for them even though Im miles away - Im just so pissed off. I can see now that I havent made the situation any easier - maybe if I hadnt gone to them all the time then they would come to me, but I truly believe they wouldnt bother. I dont hear from them unless I phone - they dont call me.
I feel upset cos I miss my lovely grandad but dp comforts me by saying that hes a smart bloke and probably understands more than I give him credit for. My dad and I never got on at home and strangely I miss him the most.
I may sound like Im going on for nothing, knowing me Ive prob forgotten something important. Im just so confused as to whats the right thing to do.
I texted my mum earlier to say we prob wouldnt be visiting. She replied 'whys that?' So I replied 'for the same reasons you dont visit me - fuel cost, the drive, crowded!' (Ive asked her loads to come and visit, she always says 'I'll see what pennies I can sort' giving the impression of someone scrabbling about for coppers etc when I know they could sort it if they wanted, they just cant be bothered.) So she replied 'ok fair enough'. And thats it.
Its always been like this and Ive had enough but am I wrong for not going? If I sound like a bratty child I apologise and maybe there is something in me I need to look at. Whenever Ive tried talking to mum about things before Im always left in no doubt as to whose fault it is, always mine. She is NEVER wrong and funnily enough cannot remember any of the examples of her past behaviour towards me that I tell her of.
Really sorry for going on so much.