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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

1000 replies

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 13:15

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
AgeingGrace · 13/02/2011 21:20

I'm very sorry to hear you feel so sad and anxious that it's causing you physical pain, mh. It sounds as if your therapy work has unearthed some painful feelings. Please try to breathe through it, and distract yourself if you can.
Cup of Brew?

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 21:20

Snow, I read your post, updating your situation Smile

I don't know how to explain it really.

Psycholgist I have been seeing has been getting me more ballanced, I went from an oversharing, trusting, open, people pleaser type to someone with trust issues, hard and closed off.

I have had my father on my mind since I read a thread on here about someone's relative with bipolar after reading the link on the illness.

I went to see him for a short while tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 21:22

I think I need to get the kids to bed, process and cry.

OP posts:
SnowyBriar2 · 13/02/2011 21:31

Aww Mummie ((Hug)) sometimes just letting our emotions out is the best thing we can do for the moment...let them out and then re-evaluate where we really are.

The only advice I can give is that if our problem relatives do actually have a recognised illness for all that illness is not their fault...it isn't our fault either.

It's just the way it is...they can get help via their GP or whatever services are available and we are entitled to treat ourselves with the same compassion as them. x

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 21:36

It is like asking a blind person to see you, they can't.

I tried to explain things to him, I phoned earlier to ask if I could come over and speak to him, he had taken relaxant drugs, he was expecting me and was not in a fit state to talk to me really, I don't even know if he knew what I was saying to him, I was not very nice by the end either.

OP posts:
SnowyBriar2 · 13/02/2011 21:46

Hmm..he knew you were coming over and took the relaxant drugs anyway?? I would have thought the usual thing to do would be to hold off on the meds as long as possible ... so you would be able to interact with your guest??

Do you think he will even remember your visit Mummie if he was that out of it?

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 21:50

I think he will remember I was there.

I think he is on a lower state of the bipolar (he has never been medicated well enough to be stable, although in the past six years it has been better than previous medication or no medication) at the moment by the look of him and his flat Sad, I don't think he would have given me the time of day if he was on a higher state.

OP posts:
SnowyBriar2 · 13/02/2011 22:08

So what are your choices now then Mummie?

What/how do you want/need to handle this info'.

I am making this about you as this thread is about us looking after us...how best do you cope and reach a solution you are comfortable with.

What do you need to do to make this 'right' in your head.

We can't always physically put things right but we can adjust our way of thinking so that we are at least not fighting with ourselves all the time.

For me my children's needs have to come before my parents needs...my children need to grow up before they can be fully responsible...my parents are already grown up.

Therefore, I have to be available for my children first and foremost only after that can I have room for my parents..if I run out of time or energy after looking after my childrens needs then my parents have to look after themselves.

This is my 'mind set' to allow me to only take on emotional burdens I can cope with.

Would this type of thinking be of any help?

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 22:16

I told him that it would be the last time he would see me, that I was done with them all. I was quite calm at this stage.

Around the middle he did his normal thing, I had forgotten he did this, where he adressed me and corrected himself with various other females from the family until he got to my name. Then told me he loved me. I told him he had no idea what love was, and I felt sorry for him if loving someone is to ignore them, and have no interest in them, I then told him using his words when I told him he had abused me, that yes he had fed me, yes he had clothed me, he had also starved me of love, positivity, interest and attention!

As I left (this is part of when I was not nice) I told him I want Mother (divorced from her but they are mates he always saw more of her then me) to leave me alone. I was no longer calm at this stage so left.

He was almost comotose, not just from the drugs, from almost emotionally falling into himself, kind of having given up.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 22:22

I told him that he had been using short term fix's and never had a long term solution to his mental health problems, that I felt sorry for him and could relate to the low's of bipolar, and told him that I don't have the luxury of the high's. I told him that i think Mother has some undiagnosed and untreated mental health problems as well as he has, and that I know who and what she is. I told him that when he is on his high's that the narcacisim of his high, he had suffered was something that had trained me to be abused by others. He said he had no idea what narcacisim was.

OP posts:
SnowyBriar2 · 13/02/2011 22:24

So you have given both your Mother and Father their NC request?

Is that why your are sad Mummie?

If it is then I would say it was time to grieve for your 'what might/should have been'.

I grieved for a month or so after my NC text...and still have no idea why. I must have needed to weep and wail like a good 'un for some reason though...so I did.

PS I do not think you were "not nice" rather just assertive in your needs.

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 22:29

I also got out another thing that has been stuck in me, I told him how I felt about the fact he had never tried to even get to know me, that he had spent so much time and interest in various people and for what, where are they now, he spend all that energy on them and I was his child and he had no interest in me and what I was all about, yet he would go out of his way to find out what my bro's exw liked perfume and colour wise, and give me the same perfume that was not my cup of tea at all, because she liked it, it was that star perfume that smelt like aftershave, I like floral perfumes!?!!! anyone that knows me knows that, as that is what I smell of florals not mucky aftershame smelling stuff! Also her fav colour was blue, and there is a colour that it was a long running joke that I disliked, and he bought her over time a dinner set, checked with her the type of dinner set also, and bought me the same set, in the colour I hate and I loved blue (which anyone who knew me knew I loved that colour) and there he was showing me her dinner set and mine, telling me how carefull and cleaver he was to please her!

I can't talk anymore as I am getting upset and angry again, this is when I began to get nasty towards him and decided to leave during this part of the conversation...

OP posts:
SnowyBriar2 · 13/02/2011 22:29

It's bedtime for me now...up at 6am with the kids..I will look in tomorrow though Mummie. xx

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 22:33

night, thanks for listening and offering advice, you are kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 22:38

Then I got really nasty, I told him that every xmas or significant date and on his death bed, when he wonders where I am, he can now know that it is because of the way he treated me ( he nearly died about 6 years ago and he spend the time waiting for a life saving operation thinking about the bad things he had done to us, and was full of remorse, once he was better he was back to his old abusive self, to be fair he was unmedicated at the time). I walked out after being nasty to him, as I didn't want to be any nastier, I had said what I wanted to about him never having any interest in me and why I didn't want him in my life, I don't think he really understood some of what I was saying.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 13/02/2011 22:41

I listening/reading MH hugs xx

findingthepath · 13/02/2011 22:42

How do you feel about telling him that?

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 22:45

FTP, thanks.

I don't know how I feel other than sad and guilty.

I had a parent who was like a toddler, who wanted me to parent him who controlled with an iron fist, who was uninterested in me other than what I could do for him, who was incapable of loving me, and who is mentally ill with bipolar disorder, who will never understand me or what went on, who is quite damaged and I feel sorry for him and for me.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 13/02/2011 23:10

Knowing that and accepting what he is sounds like a good starting point.

Its not you, its not your fault.

Part of positive thinking is to move on from the past but i think that if you still thinking about it and it upsets you then you need to confront it and it sounds to me as if you have.

Be nice to your self for a few days and process in your own time. Dont feel guilty you needed to say the things that you did.

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 13/02/2011 23:13

FTP, thanks again, you know posting what I did got rid of the ball of anxiety in my tummy again.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 13/02/2011 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

findingthepath · 13/02/2011 23:43

Glad you feeling better MH.

If you can't sleep i will be up for a bit if you want to chat

If not sweet dreams Smile

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 00:26

I am now suitably distracted from thinking about the above, it had been on my mind for a while to do the final goodbye, I understand you are ill, I need to explain why I can't be in your life anymore and I can't do this anymore, thing.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 14/02/2011 00:29

Hugs

ddubsgirl · 14/02/2011 09:14

morning,i have lurked abit on this thread but never posted,my mum died when i was 10 and my dad remrried 14 months later,my step mum never liked me and even before they married i was kicked out of home,from 11-16 i was moved about to anyone that would have me and foster care despite dad telling me he would leave her etc bt never did,i was a good girl and kept my mouth shut and did as i was told,at 16 i got my own bedsit,at 17 met my oh and never looked back,dad died when i was 19,after this i found out he stole £10,000 of money that was left to me by my nan,i have 4 ds`s and now they are older im angry,i could never put my kids through what i went through,i love my dad but im so angry he never stood up for me and looked after me,i was his child,after he died my step mum had nothing to do with us(have 2 brothers)i have alays been the black sheep of the family,my family never bother with me,most of the time i lived with my older brother but only because my dad paid him £50 a week to look after me,i did move in with my other brother but only for a week cos his gf(now ex wife)changed her mind and didnt want me there so caused a huge row with my dad(she did have a point and told him i should be at home with him)

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