"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I suppose most of the time it's not so bad - I'm in northern ireland, as are they. DB lives on the mainland. So he only visits maybe twice a year.

But mother is still toxic. She's sneaky and goes behind backs.

She wants all the details of my life and hates that I don't tell her "everything" - because I know it would come back to bite me on the arse.

For example, I am a constant disappointment to her (are you surprised?) I decided to go to uni and get a degree. Got a place in September past. All she said (she never ever said well done - I had a thread in chat about it) well all she said was

"The only two you'll be taking to your graduation is me and your father"

It became all about her.

I don't know I'm talking crap huh?

No, you're not talking crap! Your mother's bonkers. Sounds like your brother is, too, and by the time they've all finished with each other their kids'll be bonkers as well :(

I agree with SAF, divorce your family. It really is hard - harder than it should be. These threads are full of people who know just what you're going through, so lean if you need to :)

You are protecting your children and creating a safe space for yourself to blossom in! Well done on the law course (are you mad???!!) and on having a nice boyfriend.

You sound like a very nice, sane woman and a lovely mum.

Awh thank you all.

Sorry for misrepresenting you, SAF.

I've done the 'mental divorce' thing - still see some of them regularly, some not. They don't get to me now ...

I just put this on my other thread, but I'm sticking it on here too because I really want to get your opinion on it.

DB1 (who is younger than me) has his email as "frogssnr" (our surname)

I pointed out to him (he'd put it up on FB for some reason) that he wasn't snr, I was snr because he was younger than me.

He totally flipped and went off on one and said that I would never be senior to him, he was the senior one.

WTF?

Bugger i was doing so well at not posting on here

SAF you have triggered the big issue in my family currently.

My brother is the only boy in the family and his wife is having their first child in April. My mum is nearly 70 years old and is so looking forward to looking after his son (they know they are having a boy) cue huge joy that the family name will carry on. If does not matter that my sister's son has her surname as is 6 years old

I have gone a week now with no contact so doing well and feeling like i'm waiting fdor the big fallout.

I hate the double standards my ex-brother (i have not talked to him in 10 years) can do no wrong, even when it is infront of my mum. He if forgive anything.

I have recieve pressure to play nice with them as "their having a baby". Fuck that no way. His wife still sends cards and wants to acknolodge my son but only since she was pg.

I think i'm being spitful as my EX-Brother refused to even look at my son when my mum showed him off to my ex-brother so i dont want anything to do with them.

Its made worse by the fact my eldest sister is also pg with twins due in march/april and i'm excited about them and will send a gift but i will not be going to see them and i'm still keeping my distance and low communication.

My son will never play or see my ex-brother son. I want my son to have nothing to do with them.

The lates from my sister (i called her last week to tewll her i was no giving her my things but i would post a gift) that my ex-brothers child is going to a different school as EX-SIL does not want her child in the same school as my sisters

They live two streets away and in a small village and they will be invited to birthday parties so why bother?

Gerr so glad i'm out of it. My sister has complained to me that the family is disstirgrating. Itold her i was glad as only good could come of it

Sorry i will stop posting as i'm sure i will have a lot to post in march/april

It so is.

Its all my mum and dad's fault.

The thing that is upsetting me at the moment is what happened about mother's day last year.

I was stay there with son and i was told that son and i was not al;lowed to go to frankie and benny's for breakfest to treat my mum as my brother was going and me and son were not alloowed. My sisters their kids and my ex-brother and ex-SIL my mum and dad all went out and i had to stay home with my son.

I was told ii was not allowed to go by my dad.

I told him i was a Mother and that my son whould take me out some where later on in the week. He was that i was a mother and said he kept forgetting.

Families can be shit but you dont have to put up with it.

I think it is very hard to change the dymamic of pearent and child to pearent and audlet child.

Its so hard to remeber that i am a mother, a wife and an audlet as their comments used to make me feel like a child and i would then act as a child.

Once i got some distance and i could see what their behaviour was, i could see a pattern to it and i tried different repsonies to it.

My last was remaining an adult and being confiendent and confrounting their behaviour. The result was amazing. My mum started to change the subject and change the way she was and when i kept the same behaviour she hung up the phone on me as its hard to aruge with someone when they dont argue back but calmly tell you their opion and point out the shit reasoning to her's.

You can't change how the behaviour but you can change how you behaviour.

Try being honest and blunt and open up communication but dont back down or let them drag you into arguing.

If it was a work sitiation how would you deal with it?

This is how i'm trying to deal with my ex-family when they contact me. Feel the emotion but dont hold on to it and remain in control.

But its easier said than done

Sorry about the spelling mistakes i'm dyslexic and very stressed right now so its making it worse

Hi Guys

Just thought I'd pop in and post an update as you all supported me so much through my pre-Christmas melt down. I want to say Thank you to you all and let know life is far better now than it has been for a long time.

I feel embarrassed actually at the ferocity of my emotions at the time and have thankfully now finally managed to calm down.

So ... Mother and Father moved house.

I have not seen them since and have not taken any phone calls/texts etc - answer machine messages deleted without hearing, caller ID - not picked up and have Anon caller rejection installed on phone - so my sudden enormous increase in withelds can't get to me either - new sim/number changed in mobile.

I sent one text saying due to the lack of privacy whilst they were living so close I now needed time to be separate from them and to reclaim my own life and space. I also told them this 'state' would apply for the foreseeable future.

I also requested that they not visit without a text or phone call, as if they do I will not be answering the door.

So far I have had only one text that I have read...this was straight after my NC text...it accused me of being bitter and twisted and told me to get on with enjoying my space! Exactly the response I expected/wanted...NC achieved.

It now transpires that before they moved they gave all other family members except me their new phone number....I think the plan was I would have to go and see them so they could show off their new house and entrap me in their new life. To visit would have been my only way of contacting them, as their mobile signal is only active when away from their new house - so I've been told via other family members. I am ignoring the contact by proxy for now 'til I am more calm and settled in my newly found 'seperateness'. Contact by proxy is due to be dealt with during the next few weeks, for me NC really does have to be NC.

I think their plan backfired though - I don't want/need their new phone number as I have realised I have nothing left to say to them.

So finally life is now peaceful, calm, relaxed and gradually balancing itself out to something resembling a life I choose to be living rather than one I am just about surviving.

I hope you are all feeling more peaceful too and if not I hope you achieve it very soon, thanks for everything over Christmas you all being here helped so very, very much. xx

Hello, I was not going to post anymore on here, I feel so very

Oh, mh, what's up?

Snowy, thanks ever so much for your inspiring update :)

I can't find the words, I have deleted what I have writen.

I had anxiety type pain in my stomach for so long, then a year and a half ago, I cut contact with parents and it went.

It is back.

It is to do with work with psychologist, and something that has been on my mind regarding parents.

I went to see father for a few minutes, it is so sad really.

I'm still here if you need me Mummie, I'll help if I can. x

Hi again Grace - as a side note it appears even my brother has stayed away from my parents. (Only 1 duty visit at Christmas.)From what I have been told he says they thrive on drama and he just can't cope with it any more either. I suppose this is validation for me in a way.

Anxiety was my 'symptom' too Mummie, but mine was hyper vigilance and fight or flight response...it used to make me soooo very, very tired. 30 mins of interaction and I used to feel as though I could sleep for a week.