"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

How awful for you.
It makes me feel - I dunno about angry, but sick, thisis. The reason I changed my career (and keep a very low profile) is because I'd been bullied, blacklisted and victimised so comprehensively in my previous one. It's breathtaking.

I didn't find out until after I'd left my final position - due to bullying and my unearned reputation - that a much earlier ex-boss had been blocking my appointments & promotions for years. All my advancements were made in spite of his active campaign against me. Come to think of it, that's probably why I ended up working for a crazy Narc: he may have been the only one arrogant enough to override the ex-boss's opinion.

I am terrified of finding out I still attract these twunts, and terrified of running up against the old ones too :(

My fucking father. I could kill him. Good thing he's already dead

Did you manage to assert yourself with pinching girl?

grace as ever, you have made me feel better.

I was terrified that I was being silly, paranoid, that I have the persecution complex that I have always been accused of having. BUT I KNOW THAT THIS IS REAL!!!!! I KNOW!

I have an over riding desire to let the world know that I know, and to name names. To let these people know that I have continued anyway, despite them....like you did Grace, and that I have maintained my dignity, whilst those responsible are the ones full of hatred and self loathing. But how to do that?

Grace....yer ace. :)

Oh, I'm not dignified. I named & shamed quite a lot - burning bridges to the ground, of course.

Mind you, I did once get an email from somebody who'd just started working for Crazy Narc. I confirmed it was the same guy, she told me she was resigning. So I helped save one woman's sanity!

I lurve you, too, you know that

Hi everyone

I bet most of you are fed up of me posting so after this one i be gone for a bit

I want to thank you all for giving me the courage and strenth to go NC with my family. I have wanted to do it for years but never had the strength too follow throu. You have all helped me so much.

Today my son hit his head and i took him to A&E a year ago i would have called my mum looking for support and all i would have got is "You can't lookafter that child, i'm coming to take him away as you are unfit to care for him" or "You are stupid its your fault your son is hurt, you dont deserve to be a mum" and it would have hurt me more and i would think she was right and then i would start thinki9ng about killing myself as my mum thinks my son is better off without me and she must be right as my son is hurt.

Today i didn't even call her. Not now nor ever again. I love my son and he is fine but she will never know. I dont feel as bad as what she would have made me feel.

Thank you as you have all helped me so much and i feel so much better for it. Thank you for your advice and for listening to me. Without all of you i would not have been able to do that.

I wish all of you the best for the future xx

:)

Well done.

FTP You are brave to take back your life.

I wish happiness and that thing that is so illusive, peace of mind. :)

Ftp , im glad your boy is ok ....and proud that you manage to cope with the stress of a trip to a&e . You are an excellent mum .

I totally understand how the toxics can make a minor incident into a major disaster ,but youve done really well with it.
Theyve just got to feed of the "drama of it all " .

Accidents always will happen with children , its part of normal childhood .
Anyone who would use that as an excuse to make someone else feel bad is imo a fuckwit.

Grace , what a horrible crowd of women. eeugh .

Bunch of bitches. you probably outshine them talent wise , so that made you the "enemy".

Downright disgusting behaviour , bullying at its worst.

Im so sorry this has affected you so badly.

May karma bite them badly.

Thank you, Droves :) I think your comments are actually about thisis's post - but I'm having some for myself

Surprised my thoughts seem to be dwelling on Bullies Who Have Fucked Me Over lately - I can't identify a trigger, so maybe it's just down to a fresh stage of processing. They've haunted my mind for far too long already; I want them OUT of there!

Or ... I went to see a client at the weekend. He's never been anything but lovely (if impatient) towards me, but I suspect he has quite a bit of the bully in him. So perhaps I have been triggered after all! Will think on this ... after I've finished his work, which is late

SAF :(

Firstly - no, it's NOT bad to have fantasies of them dying! It's healthy :) Everybody has fantasies about people dying - even about killing them. Fantasy is a great way to process aggressive thoughts. Maybe not everyone has them about family members - but not everyone has hostile family, as we know.

Taking this a huge step further (maybe a step too far, so ignore it if you want), you can recognise your fantasy for the self-defence strategy it is, then process that feeling further - and imagine how horrid it must be for a sister to feel that angry at her sibling. She must be lacking in your self-awareness, and so full of defensiveness that she can't help blaming others and trying to hurt them. Pretty grim for her. So you might be able to (again, in fantasy) feel sympathy for her level of fear, wishing you could send her some of your insight & self-knowledge.

As an aside almost, how do you know she's triggering you deliberately? I just wondered whether she actually shares your triggers, so the same words come out when she's being particularly distraught ... you know like Fawlty Towers and "don't mention the war!"?

Hope your deep breathing and several cups of tea are helping :)

Just a quickie, SAF. You said you've always done the sympathy, understand and empathise thing and made excuses for her - absolutely in NO WAY did I mean to empathise or make excuses for her!! Sympathise & understand, yes, but more in the way you'd understand why a caged bear is aggressive. You wouldn't offer it a hug ...

Very glad you're having a better day :) x

Brenda, my therapist, and I ended up using the term "weirdworld" to describe my freakshow family. The other day Grace made reference to Alice in Wonderland. That is what it feels like, or the Land of Oz. It's not real, it's almost like a dream/ nightmare/ drug induced trip.

I ain't NEVER goin'back there!

On the advice of Attilathemeerkat, I'm posting on here for the first time.

My thread is here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1145014-Advice-please-confrontation-looming-with-my-parents?msgid=23766702#23766702

Do any of you have advice for me? I'm broken.

Hi. I'm reading your thread. I've got to go out in a min, but will be back later :)
Hope you're not at your mum's!!!

Hello madas.

It's safe here. :)

I have scanned your thread, and can completely empathise with your life.

My family are very similar in so many ways. I am the scapegoat. I am, obvioysly, insane, a terrible mother, I have a persecution complex, and my "mother" and sisters are all perfect.

I have been NC for over a year now. It's THE BEST decision I ever made, not just for me, but for my dc's too. They were labelled too. There was horrific favouritism, triangulation, gaslighteing....the works.

It may take time, but removing yourself from this environment is crucial. Some people can do this in their heads, if you like and maintain some physical contact. I can't do that, and as time goes on, and I see them for what they are, I get angier and angrier, because like you...I didn't deserve that. No one does.

(((hugs)))

Awh thank you folks.

I feel so angry today - mostly with myself for letting it go on for so long and not stopping it years ago.

I also have seen that I picked my XH because he treated me in the same way as they did - I was never good enough, I was second class and nothing was ever enough.

I'm struggling to accept that BF wants to support me - I have real problems with letting him do stuff and help me.

I don't think I can see them and deal with it in my head. For a start, DB is still there with all that entails. He won't apologise, he is never wrong. He'll shout and yell me down again. And the only way that will be acceptable is for me to apologise for "losing my temper" - been here before, not as big but been here before.

The thing is, I DIDN'T lose my fucking temper. I was shaking with rage but I didn't lose my temper with them - I was angry in my tone but I just kept saying I am going home.

And thinking about it, I'd said I was going home at 7-ish because I had uni stuff to do (which was a lie but hey ho) - I knew at that point I'd had enough and the right thing for me to do was leave then.

But oh no, that wasn't what mother wanted. She wanted to play a game and make hot chocolate and all pretend and play happy families a la 1950.

So I was manoevered into doing it and then of course I "lost my temper" and I look like the bad one all over again.

GRRRRR

Swallowed - that's it exactly.

The whole thing is just such a mess and I can't see that I've any choice but to walk away or it will just perpetuate itself. Over and over and on and on for the next 41 years like the last.

Its made me feel better to realise that other people see it as unacceptable and think that htey are toxic.

My typing is appalling today. They not htey.