Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

1000 replies

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 13:15

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 01/02/2011 02:02

How can i be happy or please with the way my life has turned out or with me when my mum keeps putting me down every chance she gets.

It feels like i dont have a mum at all.

I wish she would just wake up one day and "see" me.

ItsGraceAgain · 01/02/2011 12:12

:(

For some reason, she NEEDS her daughter (the one in her head) to be doomed. Let her have this fantasy. Remember you're not that imaginary girl! YOU are the woman with a house, a marriage, a job, a son, a lovely life. It's sad for her that she'll never know YOU or be willing to share the benefits. But it's her choice, actually ...

droves · 01/02/2011 12:43

FTP . YOU ARE FABULOUS ...Grin , however your mother is a complete and utter cunt.

droves · 01/02/2011 12:46

... and its not your fault , she is her own problem .

why dont we ever just give them the nasty comments back? .

id love to say to toxics , "thats your opinion , but as you are a nasty toxic bitch your opinion is of no value ".

SORRY FOR THE MINI RANT.

Grin
MummieHunnie · 01/02/2011 20:54

Hi all, sorry for barging in and not acknowleding anyone's posts.

I just wanted you to know that I have asked MNHQ, for my posts and threads to be deleted, if you want to know why please pm me.

I wish you all well Smile

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 02/02/2011 11:14

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on this topic, but I hear you're all lovely and very helpful, so I'm hoping you can help me.

I have a really close friend who needs some help. I've tried my best, but I was lucky enough to have had a happy, stable childhood and although I can empathise I don't really have a clue what it's like for her. I'm hoping you can recommend some books she may find really helpful if I outline her problems.

My friend had an emotionally abusive childhood with a very cold, remote mother. Her childhood was characterised by criticism and lack of interest, with occasional moments of breathtaking verbal cruelty. At 14 she was thrown out and went to live with her dad. At 16, she was thrown out from this home as well, spending the rest of her childhood in foster care. Her parents have had other children whom they seem to have better relationships with, which makes my friend feel even more rubbish.

Last weekend she was told that her mother nearly aborted her and that her father may not even be her father (though judging by the family resemblance, I don't think that's likely).

I've known my friend for nearly a decade. She has a daughter. However, although I can see her trying her best, I can also see history repeating itself to a lesser degree as she gets so angry all the time and it's her daughter who bears the brunt of this, however unintentional.

I've said to my friend that I think it would be wise for her to talk to someone. She can't afford private counselling and she doesn't want to go to GP in case they try to put her on anti-depressants (which may not be a bad thing short-term, but what she really needs is to work through the cause, not patch up the symptoms). Also, realistically the GP is unlikely to refer her with unless she's really depressed I think. I'm hoping a book may help her at least a little. Do you have any recommendations?

Thanks in advance. Any help much appreciated. Smile

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 11:57

It's nice that you comprehend what's happening, sunshine. Few people do, when they haven't experienced similar themselves.

The most important thing you can do is validate the enormity of what your friend's parents did to her. It sounds as if you've already done this, but it's worth a mention. We all believe "it wasn't that bad" and "we should just get over it" - that's what keeps us locked into repeating patterns. We can't begin to repair damage unless we recognise it.

It is worth trying the GP for a psychotherapy referral. You're right about scarce resources (depending on where you live) ... and it's worth hamming it up! I'm a coper, on the outside, and was refused therapy until I learned to really dwell on my negative thoughts & feelings when talking to my GP.

Some websites that might start her on a healing journey - they are all linked to books - could be:
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Pete Walker
IOM "The Iceberg"
Wikipedia on Attachment Theory

There are books geared specifically towards parents whose own childhood left them with attachment disorders. Perhaps some other Stately Homers will be able to recommend.

sunshineandbooks · 02/02/2011 13:23

Thanks Grace, that's a good place to start. Smile

BookcaseFullofBooks · 04/02/2011 21:30

Just a mild rant if nobody minds.

I hate the way my mum leaves me feeling sorry for her when she visits. She turns up two hours after we arranged, at dd's bedtime and expects to be able to play with her. She is completely oblivious to the concept of boundaries yet I end up feeling bad about being annoyed with her Angry.

Hugs to everyone. Think of you all though I haven't been posting much xxx

findingthepath · 05/02/2011 00:05

Hi everyone

I hope you are all having a good week.

I just want to ramble a bit.

I had counselling on Thursday, I think it went well but I felt very uncomfortable with some of the questions raise but I learnt more about myself and that everything is not black and white. I do not have to accept the opinions or beliefs of my family or anyone. I choose what I let in and what I don?t. If I try the same behaviour and it does not work I am not a failure I just need to try something different. We learn by our mistakes. Other peoples feeling and thoughts are their own, not mine.

I had a very good time at my son?s birthday party talking to the other mum?s. My son loved it and in the end my in-laws did not go to the party but seen Air at home in the morning so it all worked out great. I?m now worried that the parents of my son?s friend do not want to be friends with us because my Husband told the Father that I had PND and that Social Services were paying for my son?s place at nursery. I feel ashamed about what happened and I did not want to tell them so I feel hurt that my husband said what he did.

Later that night my mum called and she tried twice to upset me and she called me stupid and said ?God knows what?s going on down there? These comments were to my in-laws no going to party and my son changing nursery. But I pulled her up on it again and she was stunned in to silence as she regrouped. I did not get upset or shout or cry or change the way I was feeling. I did not let the comments in, I acknowledged them and talked about what she had said or implied but I did not allow them to upset me or take root. I have never done this before to her and she was in shock then recovered and changed the subjected. I was polite to her and I explained the nursery situation and that my in-laws had seen Air in the morning and that her remarks were unnecessary.

It was great Grin I hope she now realises she has no power over me anymore.

I am starting to look at my relationship with others and how they behaviour towards me and to look at myself as I really am not what is in my head that I put there from my family.

Anymore insight would be good too

Thanks Smile

BookcaseFullofBooks · 05/02/2011 04:06

It's so good to hear such a positive post ftp x

findingthepath · 05/02/2011 13:04

Thanks Books

I'm trying to stay positive and i'm ignoring the huge pink elephant in the room.

My SIL sent my son a birthday card - in fact it was the only card he got from a member of my family. It did not say uncle or anutie on it just her and my brothers name.

She is due in April and i was intending to just ignore it and not send cards or gift like i will do to my sister who is due in march. I have go lots of stick of my sisters to treat my SIL the same as them but i just can't.

I do not want anything to do with my ex-Brother or his family.

I'm really angry that she sent the card. I opened it in front of my son who put it up so i couldn't even put it in the bin.

I just want her to leave my family alone.

I'm seriouely considering getting her phone number and calling her up and telling her why i dont want contact and the harm she is doing.

But i'm too scared of my ex-brother reaction Sad

ItsGraceAgain · 05/02/2011 23:09

Hi, Bookcase, it's lovely to hear from you :)

This may sound odd, but I'm really pleased you felt pissed off at your mum! I've had the impression for so long that you internalised all your upsets, hurts and anger and this made it easy for others to label you 'wrong'. You have been treated very badly. Your boundaries have been ignored. You've been blamed for others' trespasses. All the time, though, it's not you! It's them.

Your mum is out of order to visit at a bad time (when she knows the better time) and out of order again, when she expects you to reorganise your life and your DC's for her benefit. I truly, truly hope you realise that what she's doing is rude. It's overbearing. It's selfish. It's bad manners, plain & simple. Moreover, she is probably doing it with malicious intent - she wants to exert power over you, by demanding you change your routine for her.

I hope you'll soon be ready to tell her "No, Mum, it's too late. I've told you when I put DD to bed. Go home now. Phone me next time you want to come."

How does that feel to you??

ftp, it's wonderful to hear your counselling has afforded you so much strength already! Well done you Grin

I suspect the other mums & dads won't be too bothered about how you got your nursery funding - it might even help some other mums speak up about their PND. However, it's a slight worry that DH shared the information without being asked - does he have a few boundary issues, do you think?

I tend to feel SIL probably doesn't understand what's going on with you and your/her family. The normal instinct would be to keep the line open, send a card and so on, without pushing you for a response. If this is what she's doing then please just leave her to it. You're not under any obligation to reciprocate OR to explain, just as she's not obliged to send cards.

If DS enjoyed his card, I hope you can treat it as no more than a bit of paper with a picture on it - and leave things be. It might be helpful to explore it in a bit more detail at your next session, if it's still bothering you.

I'm so happy your session went well! Yes, can be hard to learn about yourself. Repays your effort, though! Please feel free to post any issues that strike you - I've found this thread invaluable in helping me make sense of things I learned/felt/discovered through therapy, and I'm sure it can help you too :)

findingthepath · 06/02/2011 12:19

My mum just called about her card for my son.

Told me she is not giving me the money for the gift i already got him which they asked me to get and they would send the money in the post.

I told then i dont want a card from SIL and exbrother and she asked why i tolder her cos he used to beat me up untill ss got involved and she said "when did this happen"

I lost it and shouted at her and she hung up on me Sad

I wish she and my dad would just fucking die already.

I'm going to change my phone number.

And i'm going to open any card from their area in future and put them in the bin.

I'm with vergin media so i cant get caller id Sad

I guess i realy do hate them Sad

I'm no longer a member of their family. Yay

droves · 07/02/2011 18:04

ftp ....goodness what an ordeal !.
How different your attitude is now , than to a few posts back.
I guess the therapy has unleashed your inner warrior. Wow .
Im proud of you standingg up to the toxics.

Now you are free Grin

findingthepath · 07/02/2011 18:17

Freedom and beyond, who's with me Grin

It feels great like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I no longer have to "deal" or "cope" with them.

I don't feel guilty as they are adults and they are not nice people.

They are nothing to do with me now. It feels so good Grin

It does not me i'm better from my depression or that i will not have bad days but its one less big thing to think about and keep beating my self up about.

I'm going to look after myself and my family and i'm not going to let in anything negative and i'm going to stop being the sponug of my exfamilies negativeatly.

I'm feeling stronger and in control again.

Bumblequeen · 08/02/2011 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

thisishowifeel · 08/02/2011 09:34

The longer I am NC with my "family", the more insane they become, as I look back from a longer perspective.

I am now back in touch with one of the people, whose house my sister was convicted of intent to commit arson, on.

Of course my my "family's" perspective, it was ok for her to do this, because the man whose family lived there was, in their judgement, a sociopath. My "mother" sat in court giggling.

Being in touch with this man's son again, who I always got along with brilliantly, has sharpened the focus in a quite distressing way, and made me really see it from HIS point of view. He was a teenager at the time. Imagine how it must feel to know that someone wanted to burn your house down, with you inside it, And how embroiled in my family system I was. Even though I was horrified, I had to be SEEN to be loyal....whatever that means.

We talked in a very cryptic way on FB about it, after the episode of casualty on Saturday featured insanity and setting fire to things. I was humbled by his words to me. He was delighted to be back in touch with me, and not remotely surprised to hear that I was NC with them.

It was humbling and deeply moving.

findingthepath · 08/02/2011 10:12

Thisishowifeel - a very big hug xx

ItsGraceAgain · 08/02/2011 11:30

thisis:
?Off with her head!? the Queen shouted at the top of her voice.
Nobody moved.

?Who cares for you?? said Alice (she had grown to her full size by this time), ?You?re nothing but a pack of cards!?

thisishowifeel · 08/02/2011 11:46

GRACE Ha ha ha ha ha!

Except it's really sad isn't it? All that life living in Wonderland? What a Fucking waste.

You know even reading that back, the light gets brighter....She called him a sociopath, and SHE sat giggling in court? My God. And I sat there not knowing who to be. My instinct sceaming at me "this is wrong, this is wrong" Dying of total embarrassment at that lunatic woman. Which bit exactly did she think was so funny? She said at the time that it was because sister looked too small and angelic to ever think about doing such a thing and to believe that she could was ridiculous to the point of it being funny.

If the new me had been there, I would have removed myself in complete and utter disgust. The fact that I felt I couldn't has got me feeling all kinds of things from grief to fury, rage, embarrassment,etc etc. I suppose that is what I've done, but not before I was terrified that it was me that was quite mad. They still think that I am!

She got two years probation.

I'm sorry to have jumped in like this and can only hope that this helps some of you.

thisishowifeel · 08/02/2011 11:48

And this was the sister who was convinced that I was a sadist, that I got my kicks from deliberately hurting people.

Fuck me I'm am SOOOOOOO angry!

ItsGraceAgain · 08/02/2011 12:02

GOOD that you're angry! But you know that, don't you.

Another Carroll quote:
"If you set to work to believe everything, you will tire out the believing-muscles of your mind, and then you'll be so weak you won't be able to believe the simplest true things."

Which kind of sums it up for me - probably explains why I'm so tired, as well!

Congratulations on growing to your full size, Alice Wink

droves · 09/02/2011 11:48

thisishowifeel .
I think you are bloody marvelous .
Im proud of you , your revalation about your ex-family , and your re-gaining a friend , despite your ex-family's awful revolting behaviour.

You are so right to be NC.

NC might not instantly cure depression , but its a damn good thing .
To get well , you NEED to get the negative toxics out of your life.
Its much easier to get out of the black pit when your surrounded by good people /friends who care about you.
Instead of the horrors who want to keep you down , as a easy target.

thisishowifeel · 09/02/2011 14:23

Thank you SO MUCH!

It is completely exhausting isn't it? I've been going to the gym to try and work off some of the rage inside me.

I want to talk about my work but it's so complex. It's almost as though I had the label "scapegoat" in neon letters above my head, that people who needed one could see easily. I kind of know that we put out these vibes of, not victimhood exactly, but people can seek us out subconsciously, not just partners, but everyone.

This goes back twenty years and has, and still has a monumentally negative affect on my working life.

I got a week's worth of backing vocals, nothing special, but that kind of work was, and is terribly hard to come by. There were three other singers there. Every break, they went off, whispering in corners, and being generally unfriendly and offhand, not speaking to me or including me.

At the end of the second day I remember sitting on my back door step with a huge glass of red, sobbing, it was SO horrid. I determined that I would just hard face it out, and I did. One of the girls, who stood next to me, kept pinching me and punching me in the arm. As it's quite intense, close work, I couldn't say anything. I think the whole thing has traumatised me quite a lot.

I found out about five years ago, from my now h, that these three people had put rumours around about me, which means that most of the studios in my area won't touch me with a barge pole. They still don't. Even those where I have never been in my life. The only people I work for are miles away, and I work remotely, down the line, from home.

I got the chance to do a TV show, and the location was in one of these studios. The owner, who knows perfectly well who I am, (it's a small world) completely blanked me, as though I wasn't there.

The producer of the original session is another of these people who I am back in touch with. I was new on the scene at the time, and he says that they found me very threatening and did it to maintain their own position, that they were jealous.

This is twenty years old, and the hatred that these people have for me is as real as ever.

Last week, h was asked to produce some music, which would have singing on, the bloke commisioning it was taken to an industrial tribumal for unfair dismissal on the basis of sexism, and he lost. Since I was good friends with the girl in question, I am now blacked by this company too, although they still employ h. This man insisted on getting one of the girls who bullied me in the first instance to do the singing, knowing that it would hurt me, and cause difficulties between h and me.

I'm so fucking sick of these fucking weirdo's and freaks. This story goes on and on and on and on and on. It all sounds so trite and silly, but the reality of living with the consequences of these peoples behaviour is devastating. I never did anything to deserve it.

It is not acceptable to hurt me ...actually, it never was.
IT IS NOT OK TO HURT ME.BLAME ME.USE ME A DUMPING GROUND.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.