Thank you SO MUCH!
It is completely exhausting isn't it? I've been going to the gym to try and work off some of the rage inside me.
I want to talk about my work but it's so complex. It's almost as though I had the label "scapegoat" in neon letters above my head, that people who needed one could see easily. I kind of know that we put out these vibes of, not victimhood exactly, but people can seek us out subconsciously, not just partners, but everyone.
This goes back twenty years and has, and still has a monumentally negative affect on my working life.
I got a week's worth of backing vocals, nothing special, but that kind of work was, and is terribly hard to come by. There were three other singers there. Every break, they went off, whispering in corners, and being generally unfriendly and offhand, not speaking to me or including me.
At the end of the second day I remember sitting on my back door step with a huge glass of red, sobbing, it was SO horrid. I determined that I would just hard face it out, and I did. One of the girls, who stood next to me, kept pinching me and punching me in the arm. As it's quite intense, close work, I couldn't say anything. I think the whole thing has traumatised me quite a lot.
I found out about five years ago, from my now h, that these three people had put rumours around about me, which means that most of the studios in my area won't touch me with a barge pole. They still don't. Even those where I have never been in my life. The only people I work for are miles away, and I work remotely, down the line, from home.
I got the chance to do a TV show, and the location was in one of these studios. The owner, who knows perfectly well who I am, (it's a small world) completely blanked me, as though I wasn't there.
The producer of the original session is another of these people who I am back in touch with. I was new on the scene at the time, and he says that they found me very threatening and did it to maintain their own position, that they were jealous.
This is twenty years old, and the hatred that these people have for me is as real as ever.
Last week, h was asked to produce some music, which would have singing on, the bloke commisioning it was taken to an industrial tribumal for unfair dismissal on the basis of sexism, and he lost. Since I was good friends with the girl in question, I am now blacked by this company too, although they still employ h. This man insisted on getting one of the girls who bullied me in the first instance to do the singing, knowing that it would hurt me, and cause difficulties between h and me.
I'm so fucking sick of these fucking weirdo's and freaks. This story goes on and on and on and on and on. It all sounds so trite and silly, but the reality of living with the consequences of these peoples behaviour is devastating. I never did anything to deserve it.
It is not acceptable to hurt me ...actually, it never was.
IT IS NOT OK TO HURT ME.BLAME ME.USE ME A DUMPING GROUND.