"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Your right i do feel like a child on this issue

I'm seeing someone at 11.30am on the same day as the party which starts at 3pm so hopefull this time i might be ok.

I didn't mean to make my inlaws sound so bad they are better than my mum and dad by miles but as i have never had a proper mum and dad and i reased myself i find it hard to accept their help or advice.

Maybe they are normal i just dont know

But now i'm an adult its a bit late for anyone to treat me like i'm a child and try to take over my life!

They never seem to get the right balance with me!

I would miss out inviting il's next time, who's grandparents goes to a kiddie party anyways? I always did kiddie and adult parties seperatly, it is awkward having gp about if it is all mum's and 2 year old really. also il's will undermine you infront of the other parents and they will catagorise you by il's behaviour, when the other mum's would not have done that to you under normal circs iyswim...

you will learn for the next lot of invites and not have them around when it comes to school

so lady, how are you going to stop the childlike behavior (which is great to come out when having fun with ds/dh/ friends) and when are we going to see some adult behaviour when it comes to being Mother?

Right i am worried about the following
1)The reason why none of my family is there
2) My inlaws taking over
3) Meeting the mum's of the children my son goes to nursary with as i'm fat and have low self esteem and my DH is disabled so we make a fun looking couple.
4)I have nothing to talk about and i always put my foot in it or sound uncaring - i think this is a front to stop me getting hurt.
5) In the past parties with my family always resulted in people falling out and shouting. The last one i did not attend, my sister throw my other sisters son's birthday cake on the floor.
6) I always get panic attaks and i cry before going to parties and i do not want to pass that on to my son.

Ok I will try and give you the best advice for each worry:
1)I doubt if anyone will ask but if they do say they couldn't make it due to a medical appointment.
2) The inlaws may well take over a bit - but stay calm, try and make your plans as clear as possible but don't fight it at the party. Just do what you can to get through the party.
3)Don't worry about your weight, I am sure the parents have seen you before and will not even be thinking about what you weigh, just wear something you feel nice in and try and do your hair pretty etc to make yourself feel nice. Your husband is the father to your child and I am sure most people will have lots of respect for him and how you both cope.
4) Points to talk about are the children at a child's party. If no conversation comes up just have a walk round and think of something on tv, something in the news, what the children are doing, what you child is doing that is new etc etc If there is silence the other person will bring something up i am sure.
5) If the party looks like it may turn into an argument I would have a quiet word. You may have to call party short if necessary.
6) This is the trickiest because you do not have the control maybe to stop the panic. Deep breaths, think of your son, take some kalms and try to think that you are in charge and in control...

How are you feeling?

No i dont want to grow up

Never.

You can't make me

I'm still worrying but i know how i react so i can now start plaining on how to countract it.

I think my family not being there is a good thing and hopefully it will not come up why they are not there.

I need to think more positively about it and not make it in to a big issues in my head.

My husband is great with people so if i stick with him i can just stay in the background.

I can ask DH to have a word with in laws to not take over maybe?

Absolutely - get him to kind of 'deal' with any unwanted behaviour rather than you so you can concentrate on watching the children, politely chatting and enjoying yes ENJOYING YOUR CHILDS birthday. Come back and let us know how you get on or if you need to talk more.

Thanks Carrots and MH xx

FTP, your adult ego state had some great idea's, I hope that the child ego state plays with the kids at the party and the adult is about when needed, as they both work so well in you.

Right, I am officially confused, why the hell was I secretly pleased that Both, yes Both parents turned up unannounced at my door tonight? I don't want them, nothing has changed, they still don't respect my boundaries, it is still all about them! Darn it anyways, I really want to know want to be like a desparado looking for any affection from people who don't give a fig about me!

opps, should be I really want to know why I want to be like a desparado...

wow what happened?

I had a visitor, so I told them to come back later, they didn't. I hadn't expected them at the door, I thought it was someone else. They didn't come back, someone rang the land line, I was busy with the visitor, so didn't pick up, I didn't phone back.

Sounds like you handled it perfectly.

My mum went throu a phase when Air was born of just showing up, no phone call no nothing just 9 am the door bell ringing. She would make my brother drop her off when he had a job in my area.

She would say she wanted to catch me on the hop!

I told her to call every time she never did untill she turned up and i took Air out to playgroup and left her in my house alone

She does not come to see me anymore.

Maybe i am a mean person

Also can i drink alchol [beer] when i'm on Sterline antidepressents? HV said not to drink but not what happens if i did, does anyone know?

Have you got the box, inside they normally have a leaflet to tell you about what you can and can't take with each medication? I would imagine that as drinking causes depression it would not be wise!

She has a habbit of turning up unannounced also. I have also stated I don't like the unannouned visits, we have phone's and mobiles now a days!

MH, you said you were secretly pleased your P&M turned up at your door - and that you sent them away, as you were busy.

It looks to me as though you were secretly pleased you had a ready excuse to turn them away! And you did it!

Well done you, you should be pleased :)

I was pleased I could turn them away, I was also pleased they called to my home, even though I did not want them to call unannounced, what a contradiction I am.

Power, innit

I do that. I have to remind myself, often, that Mum only gets in touch when she wants some drama. If I don't hear from her, it doesn't mean anything except that she's getting her supply somewhere else.

Thanks for the insight into that Grace.

It was more the fact it was both of them that shocked me more than anything. He has no interest in me at all. I have been getting ready with smart answers for him, how bad am I?

For example why don't you go and ring the bell of insert exh's name as ex did something really nasty to dd infront of father and father backed exh up, even mother was disgusted at exh for what he did. I also felt like telling him to go and see my bro's exwife, who father spent ages finding out what perfume, colours of things she wanted and he went out and bought them for her, and me, and getting me the colour I am known for hating, I had no interest in the perfume, he never once had any interest in what I would like, he has no idea who I am and has never had any interest in finding out who I am, he got me a painting for my either 18th or 21st, it was something someone middled aged possibly may have appreciated even still it was not going to be for everyone, just what every young girl wants I am trying to make myself angry at him I think so if he comes back I will not soften as I have always done before the last couple of years.

As for her, she is pissing all over my boundaries again. I told her when she will next see the children, and she has not respected that.

I feel I was a bit hard on her, as after what she did at the end of last year, I told her she was dead to me, that is how I feel, I don't want her near me she hurts me and is not interested in fixing herself, she wants to carry on and I have gotten off the merrygoround.

Hi
I cant sleep and need to rant but my DH needs to sleep so its ok if you dont respond to this i just need to get it out of my head.

I'm sorry if i upset anyone.

I'm fucking angryashell with my mum again. I'm stupid because i think she will respond as a normal mum but she doesnt i give her lots of opertunities to try but she never does.

I called her today and told her i had put my name on the mortage. this is part of me feeling sucure in my relationship as a filmaly with my son and husband and to feel more in control of my life. Its what i wanted to do but never got around to before. This is a big deal to me.

I now own a house 90 miles away from my childhood family.

Her respons was "well if thats what you want i hope you know what our doing and dont go bankrupte". Then she went on to say how my husband and i have the same typr of relationship as my uncle and his wife - they have just got devioces and my uncle has moved out this week to a new flat. When my husband came in the room i put her on speaker phone and told my husband what she said and guess what she angryly denide saying that our relationship was like my uncles and his ex.

She lied

I'm anoyed that she has treated me like this again about something that is so important to me. She just has no idea.

Anotherthing ruined by her.

When will i learn to just not bother?

Ouch! Hope you've stopped head-banging now.
Good that you typed it out, ftp - it helps the head to identify the thoughts, iykwim?

Congrats on becoming a home owner!

x

Thanks grace.

I just keep trying the same things again and again with her and i keep expecting her to change (respond in a normal way). I'm so stupid or determind to give her the chance to respond in the right manner but know deep down it will never happen but i still keep trying.

When am i going to give up trying?

Also yay i'm 28 and i own my own house, i'm married and i have a fab son yay

Also i dont have to go to work tomoro just have to look after fab son and play with cars, stickers and maybe do some painting and colouring.

I jusy wish my mum would undrestand me and not be mean to me. We are just worlds apart