"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Thank you for the supportive replies! I like your foundations, too, tmsb. Good to know I didn't sound completely bonkers :)

Such a big part of me wants to go back into weirdworld and be my brother's friend again. But I know it can't happen. Also, my other sibs - and even my mum - have responded to my changes over time; there's a bit less denial and more common sense washing around now. There's no saying Golden Bro won't take a fresh view later on.

I need to actually start building on those foundations now, I think! I notice I'm still practising self-abandonment: I could do with taking a few small steps towards better self-care & more self-nurturing. Like you, trs, I don't fully believe I deserve a nice life ... but I'm thinking this is a phase I have to live through. I'm 'being' the ugly, disorganised, useless lump I (thought I) was inside, but growing a lovelier & more functional me underneath! At least, I bloody hope I am

Sorry to hear your family stuff wrecked your sleep, MH. I'm full of admiration for your steady and determined recovery! Hope you get a proper sleep tonight.

So sorry haven't posted, really really lovely thread & being offended is soooooo far from the truth it's almost laughable actually (well wry smileable anyway).

It's the worse week for me in an already stretching & hideous time. On thurs was the anniversary of my darling sisters death. 3 yrs and everyday a struggle without her. No, maybe every minute. And it's her birthday today, and all I can think about is the one she never made, & the presents she never unwrapped which are still there untouched. Kills me. Hard to carry on, I miss her so much I can't even explain. Yes this is why I haven't posted I am crying now & ds just woke up & is watching me & laughing as he thinks my face must be laughing too. Now I am screwing him up he shouldn't be seeing this.

I just miss her so much why did she have to leave me?

This year it's even worse as I've just been diagnosed with a syndrome that they reckon killed her as well. Although I prob haven't got the type she had or I wouldn't have made it through pregnancy, preg set off a whole chain of symptoms & my body is crap & falling apart. Don't know if ds has it too. Can't tell parents as it would be awful & can't deal with it, don't have anyone else who cares really, not close friends really, feel terribly alone.

Right will stop wallowing & being maudlin & look after my baby. That's why not posting at the mo, sorry prob not the right place.

I am sorry to hear of your pain at the loss of your sister, I am not surprised you are still hurting and with the anniversary and her birthday this week, it is no wonder your feelings of loss are intencified. What was the syndrome that she died of? can anyone explain why someone would die of that syndrome to you? is there any genetic counselling available. It can't be easy for you to worry if you and your ds have the syndrome also.

Can anyone suggest some books that will help me look at my own behaviour/my personality? Or books that will help me not be a sponug in relation to my famils problems and feelings?

ftp, I rate John Bradshaw's books very highly. 'Homecoming' is heavy work but was the main agent of change for me and for millions of others.

Yes John Bradshaw has been life changing for me, as has Pete Walker.

Grace, I love your operating system analogy. That's what the inner child stuff does I suppose?

Things are not going to happen by magic, I am going to have to do some reserach and hard work to make good things happen, I am worth it!

:) Thanks, thisis :) Yup, that's how the inner child stuff works, isn't it? Shame we can't just buy a CD and press 'install', it'd be so much quicker ...
Thanks for mentioning Pete Walker - I'd forgotten his name, even though I've got printouts from his site all over my walls!

Yes, MH, you are definitely worth it. I think you're amazing. All the work you're doing will be so helpful to your kids, too.

Thanks Grace and Thisis

Where to start...... erm there's an email being sent round members of my "family" by my aunt saying how manipulative and nasty I am and how i'm sucking my cousin in.

My sister wants to use my children in her wedding but doesn't want me/dh there.
my parents haven't spoken to me in weeks but post nasty things on fb/ emails

I've had enough and can't cope with it all

My sister wants to use my children in her wedding but doesn't want me/dh there. - WHAT???!!!

Welcome back, finerthings. You do need help! Where would you like to start?

finerthings, I am sorry that is happening to you right now.

you remember me.

I don't know. Things got better for a while because I completely stopped contact.

But my nan died on friday so obviously i've had to have contact with them.

I'm feeling really anxious atm, i'm at college and doing really well but I am constantly doubting myself about everything, whether i'll pass, thinking that universities will never want me (I know i'm being stupid because i'm passing the course at a merit/distinction level) I just can't shake this anxious feeling of doubt.

Sorry, i'm not really sure what i'm trying to say...........

I'm sorry to hear about your nan. Whose mother was she? Was she nice ... and how much of your family's toxic behaviour came from her? My paternal GM was my main source of comfort, but she was a mad old bucket. Eric Berne says "If you want to understand the person, look to the grandmother" and he's got a point. Perhaps your family have gone orbital because they've lost a flagship/role model??

OK, now I've dropped all those hefty thoughts on you, what are you going to do about you?

Clearly your nan's death isn't performing the usual function of bringing a family together (however superficially) so it looks like a good time to drop your contact again. That'll give them plenty to moan about, naturally, but you won't have to see or hear it after you've blocked them. As you felt better without them, it seems you need to do yourself that favour.

I'm gobsmacked by your sister's wedding plan (you could tell?!) and hope you've told her where to get off. As for your stress levels - give yourself a break, please! You've just been through an emotional hurricane. Of course you feel anxious, anybody would in your situation!

My advice: remove the stressors and have a couple of days off, with relaxing treats. Please post back :)

she was my dad's mother, when we were smaller she was fantastic but as we/she got older she became quite bitter. DH and I have been together nearly 7 years and I can count the number of words she uttered to him on one hand (she was an inverted snob; because he'd gone to university and become a solicitor he was labelled a "snob" etc. even though this could not be fiurther from the truth).

I guess she is where some of the toxic-ness has come from on my dad's side.

I'm really worried about what the funneral will be like. I'm sure I posted on here about how my dad made a great big fuss about "wonderful" sis doing the eulogy with him, stopping me seeing my grandad layed out, generally make me feel like a spare part/black sheep. Although as long as funneral doesn't fall on a court day DH is coming as my support as he knows exactly how low my family will stoop

You were shocked? Really That's my sis through and through, she's gone round telling everyone she doesn't want to invite us but she sort of has to because she wants DD and DS to be bridesmaid and page boy. This is after she told me when she first set the date that she wasn't even going to tell me about the wedding until the day before when she would bring the children's outfits round (I wish I was joking).

I don't feel like I can "switch off" for an hour let alone a few days, I feel like I have to work 10 times harder than everyone else because I can not fail! because that would prove them all right.

You've got it all worked out in your head, finerthings, but it's not quite sinking in is it? Your sister's being HORRIBLE and totally unreasonable. You know that, but it still hurts you. Why? When you've got the 'why it hurts you', what can you do about it? You can't change her.

On that front, I have suggestions. (They're not rocket science.)
A. I'm assuming she's got your DCs all fired up about playing a starring role in her wedding, so you wouldn't want to let them down. Warn them that the role comes with strict rules. Go through a rehearsal with them. If they don't like it - or their costumes - decline on their behalf (job done!) If they're keen, tell her you've got them trained for her wedding and it's the whole family - with civility - or you deprive her of attendants as she stumbles up the aisle.
Plan B assumes the kids are keen, but you're averse to making DCs fit in with her wedding fantasy. So make your own rules, as a family. My sister did this - her DCs attended me in combat gear! (I loved it, but I don't think she expected me to. The main point is, everyone was happy and had a good time.)
Plan C is the obvious one. Don't go. Divert the money into a theme park day out en famille, or a couple of counselling sessions to start you working towards a resolution for your conflicted feelings.

My family stopped me going to my gran's funeral. It hasn't impacted my life. I burned candles for her at a breathtaking church in another country (I'm an atheist, as was she, but we both appreciated atmospherically grand buildings.) Your posts make me feel it might be healthier for you to stay away from the thing entirely. They've given you the blame-donkey hat; you don't have to wear it.

Thank you for thinking about her part in creating your family. It seems mean to investigate that so soon after her death - sometimes it's the best time; when her memory and your feelings around her are close to the surface. Bradshaw's Family Secrets is one of those books that looks like so much pointless tripe if you're not ready for it, but really works its magic when you are. I read it on an anniversary of a grandparent's death. The only better time would have been immediately after one.

finerthings, Sorry you are being put through this.

I would agree with grace and simply remove yourself. You already know that their behaviour, especially your sister's, is completely unacceptable, and the fact that she is USING your dc's to add the dysfunctional mire, is disgusting.

I have had to miss some funerals in my family, which I found extremely difficult. This was before that side of the family knew the truth, and before my amazing therapy. I often wonder what would happen now, but I know that I can handle not being there, and dealing with grief in MY own way, and on MY OWN terms.

Hi-
Finerthings-I'm sorry about your grandma's passing. I am with ThisishowIfeel about grieving and memorializing for someone in our own way, in our own time and place. Your grief is yours and you do not have to play by someone else's script/expectation.

Congratulations on doing well in school. My thought on your description of self-doubt is familiar. Could it's origin be in 'leftover anxiety'? Were you were trained to doubt yourself in your younger years through emotional (or other) neglect/abuse?

An example of leftover anxiety, which happened to me while I was receiving counseling so could understand it , was when a policeman stopped me for a traffic violation. My state inspection had expired. I immediately corrected it and paid the ticket. I live near the police station, and see them frequently. Leftover anxiety is the stress I felt for weeks whenever I saw another police vehicle after I was stopped.

The actual stressful event of being stopped was history. Yet I still had a panicy feeling of what am I doing wrong now/are they pulling in behind me now/pulse racing when I saw a police car when I wasn't doing anything wrong at all.

That was then, this is now. My feelings then do not apply for now. So my "I'd better be quiet or I'll be ridiculed/dismissed etc." coping strategy of my youth should not apply to me today.

(Except my stunted social growth stemming from that does lead to ackwardness-so silence may be a choice I make, but for different reasons, iyswim.)

Anyway, you excel, you soar, with flags unfurled to the fullest. You are proving it. Let those feelings from the past, stay in the past.

Imho,this is where the cliche "Think happy thoughts" plays in. Positive self-talk and positive self coaching are needed to fill the void when you leave the negative crap on the dung heap.

Hope this helps some. Just guessing of course, I may be way out in left field-again.

Grace-Thanks for the Bradshaw reminder. I bought Home Coming, Healing the Shame that Binds You, and The Family in November, but thought it'd be better to wait until after the holidays to get into it.

Oh, and Finerthings, your sister doesn't deserve to have you or your dc at her wedding. I'd do the miss and have a fun day instead.

Of course having ds tip a few hats and dd kick a few shins would be delicious wedding video. Just kidding.

Finerthings i'm sorry about your Grandmother. I would not let my children go to my sisters wedding unless i was there to look after them or be a buffer. You also have the right to go to the funral and not to talk or to take in what your family say to you, if it s what you want. You also have the right not to have contact if you want.

Bears that was a great post and i love this sentence:

coping strategy of my youth should not apply to me today

It is so true if only i could get to that place i will one day.

I will have to wait til Feb or march to get the book but i will see if local library has it first just in case. Thank you for the suggestion.

I hope everyone had a good day today.

My positive was that it feels like spring and the sun is shining so feel a bit better and making plans for the warmer weather.

Wow....thank you for all your posts.

your exactly right Grace, in my head I know that their behaviour is wrong/horrid ad not my fault, yet I can't seem to get passed the not letting it still upset me phase.

Luckily the DC's are too small to get hyped up about it (they are 4 and 14 months). I think the best option is not to go and go for a nice weekend away. Yet stupidly i'm still worried about upset them .

In reference to the funeral; my dad rung last night about me clubbing in with the others for flowers, DH spoke to him, and told him we won't be clubbing together and that we are sending our own flowers which didn't go down very well as you can imagine. I think I will go to the funeral but turn up just before and leave straight after, no hanging about, just a chance to say goodbye/an end of a chapter IYSWIM.

I will definately get the book, thank you for that.

Toomany; I think you could be right I guess there was always the you'll never get far, esp. when I had DD at 18 my dad told me i'd be on the doorstep begging them for £5 for nappies/food and that i'd staying working at a supermarket the rest of my life

"coping strategy of my youth should not apply to me today" you are so right and I know this yet I can't put in it to practice???

Must keep telling myself positive thoughts

Beautiful post above, tmsb.
Glad you're feeling somewhat more in charge, finerthings :)

Thanks Grace.

I'm not even through the first chapter of Home Coming and I am: yes, check, oh that is middle sister, yup, m. sister again, ok-me, etc.

I know it will be hard work to manifest change, but I feel a profound relief to feel that I have the answers in my hand.

Having a bad day today. Woke up thinking whats the point of it all? Feel sick and frustraited , why cant my siblings break free like i did ?. I miss them. It was brothers birthday yesterday. I dont even know how he is. Cbt therapist told me she thinks i have ptsd.Have appointment with psyciatrist on 14th in conection with surgery to fix broken nose ...no doubt she'll want to know what happened.Its like going in circles.

It is very wearing on your spirit.

I hope you can find some 'happy time' each day - even if by appointment.

Sorry, that's not much help.